Rainfall (7 page)

“I’d like to see your apartment now.”

Chapter 8

It takes a moment for Kyle to register what I have just implied, and the second that he does it is obvious. His initial annoyed frown which formed the second I interrupted gives way to a broad, lecherous grin.

“See you around, Lila.” He winks at the blonde and I see a flash of annoyance cross her features.

“It’s Lola, Kyle,” she snaps, sounding irked. He does not even excuse his blatant
faux pas
; he simply turns and walks back inside the building with me following along behind him, wondering how I am possibly going to get myself out of this situation.

The elevator pings on the sixth floor and we walk a short way along the corridor. Kyle stops suddenly outside apartment
6D. He lifts his arm and rests it against the door gazing down at me. 

“Are you sure about this, pretty lady?” he grins, and, feigning all the confidence I can muster, I smile back up at him.

“Of course I’m sure.”

I knew that he would not hesitate. Kyle is driven by his physical nature; he is not a gentleman and will take any opportunity offered. His mouth crashes down on mine and his teeth knock painfully against mine.

“Oh, you are so hot,” he breathes into my mouth and I stifle the urge to gag as his tongue thrusts far too deeply into my mouth to be comfortable.

I try and force myself not to panic. Kyle is sexual, yes. He is a chauvinistic pig, yes. He is as arrogant and as sure of himself as anyone I have ever met, but he is not a criminal. He is not sexually deviant. He is not a rapist. He will not force me; he wants me to enjoy myself. He is not trying to punish me. This is just sex; purely physical. I also know without a shadow of a doubt that if I refuse him now he will simply go back downstairs and finish what he started with Lila, or rather, Lola, down by the pool.

“Hey,” I pull myself away and force myself to smile up at him. “Not so fast.  Can we take things a bit more slowly?”

“I’m not
him,
” he growls. “I’m not a pussy. I don’t want to talk about your feelings and play with your hair. I want to fuck - pure and simple.”

I can’t help myself, I've never been good at dealing with being uncomfortable and this is by far the most uncomfortable I've ever been in my life. I burst out laughing. Kyle takes a step back and regards me incredulously.

“Do woman ever actually fall for that machismo act?” I ask, trying and failing to stop giggling. Kyle looks affronted for half a second before a grin breaks over his face.

“Sometimes.”

“Really?” I raise my eyebrows.

“Nah,” he shakes his head. “Look, Paige,” he draws out my name, “the thing is, I’m horny as hell and I find you extremely attractive, but I don’t know how I feel about your being involved with him.” He almost spits out the last word as though it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. “I figure maybe if we have some sensational, mind-blowing sex it might get you out of my system and I can go back to my life.”

“Don’t you mean Adam’s life?” the words are out before I can stop them. 

“I’m not going anywhere, sweetheart.” His words are cutting and I force myself to see it from his perspective. Adam being healed means that Kyle disappears. 

“So,” I change the subject abruptly, confused by the sudden sympathy I feel for Kyle, “are you going to let me in or not?” I gesture at the still locked apartment door.

“Are we going to have any fun?” he asks, staring at my boobs. 

“What if I said that I hadn’t decided?” I ask, testing the boundaries. 

“I’d say that that is not exactly a no
.” He turns the key with his right hand and opens the door, sauntering in first and throwing his keys onto the dining-room table. I follow him hesitantly, surveying the flat. Adam’s taste is just as bad as I suspected. He really does have the most awful stuff. And, as I suspected, absolutely nothing matches, but now I see this for what it actually is: Four separate people have had their own influence in the furnishing of this apartment; four very different people, each trying to create his own space with disastrous consequences.  I keep my opinion to myself and turn to ask Kyle a question but the words die on my lips.  

He is standing right behind me holding a wicked-looking kitchen knife, a terrified expression on his face.

“Who are you?” he asks, holding the knife between us and darting panicked glances at the door. I force myself to remain calm and remember that none of Adam’s
alters
are dangerous or psychotic. I focus on the knife and something important registers. He is holding it in his right hand.

“Jacob?” I question tentatively. This is not Adam or Kyle and Simon is left-handed.

“Who are you?” he asks again, cocking his head to one side.

“I’m Paige,” I answer, keeping my voice calm and making no sudden movements. “I’m a friend of Doctor Sheldon’s.” The doctor’s name seems to reassure him and the knife drops to his side.

“What are you doing here?” he asks quietly.

“I’m here to help. I’m a friend, Jacob.” 

“They’re close,” he whispers and I nod my head. 

“
Who's close, Jacob? Is it Kyle?” I prompt.

“All of them,” he answers, clutching the front of his shirt nervously. “They're always around; like vultures, circling and circling. They're just waiting for me to mess up.”

My heart constricts in pity for this pathetic person and I find myself wondering again what could possibly have happened that could have caused such a trauma. 

“Why don’t we sit and talk for a while?” I hear myself saying. “Maybe it will take your mind off them.” I pat the empty spot next to me on the settee and he perches timidly on the edge. He is very fidgety, constantly moving one or another part of his body. I can imagine that most of Adam’s emotional exhaustion originates from this personality.

“Where do you go Jacob, when the others take over?” I begin as gently as possible. Doctor Sheldon believes that Jacob is the key to Adam’s recovery and I am determined to make him feel comfortable with me. He shivers involuntarily and then answers, “It’s dark...When they shut me out. I’m alone and it’s dark.” He hugs his knees and I feel tears well in my eyes. He is so pitiful.

“Would you like some tea?” I ask. 

“That would be nice.” 

He follows me into the kitchen and I set the kettle to boil and rummage around in the cupboards until I find two mismatched cups. One is white with black stripes and the other has a picture of a woman on it whose bikini disappears when the mug is filled with hot liquid. I stare at both of them, still not quite sure what I am up against. These men are such different people. It’s like a bad episode of speed-dating. I try and match the mug to the identity. Kyle is pretty easy; he's such a pig. The plain black and white I eventually link to Adam. He is like that; everything is black and white, there are no grey areas. It’s one of the things I love about him. I miss Adam. I came here for him and so far all I have got are his crazy
alter egos
. I heave a sigh and make the tea. 

I sit opposite Jacob at the breakfast table.

“Jacob, do you like Doctor Sheldon?” I ask and he nods quickly.

“Yes.”

“Do you trust him?” He nods again. “Why are you so hesitant to confide in him?” I push and he starts to look slightly disconcerted. “I care about you, Jacob,” I quickly add, trying to make him feel more comfortable. There is something very endearing about Jacob, he is almost child-like in his naiveté and in his crippling shyness. “I would really like to help you, if you'd let me?” I let the question hang in the air and then I change the subject.

“What do you like to do?” I ask. 

Jacob smiles timidly. “I like computers,” he admits timidly and I frown slightly. I can switch a computer on and I know the basics of Microsoft Word and Publisher, but that's about it. “And I like dogs,” Jacob adds quickly.

“Me too!”
I gush in relief. I am pleased to have something, however small, that I can use to get close to Jacob. There is no doubt in my mind that Dr Sheldon is right. Jacob is the secret-keeper; he is the child inside, the part of Adam that cannot let go of the trauma that started this whole horrible mess. 

I am staring at Jacob but not really seeing him, trying to work out how I can use this to my advantage when I see him twitch. His whole head jerks slightly and his eyes become unfocused for a second. When they refocus, he stares at me, a look of pure delight and relief washing over his beautiful face. 

I don’t care that I have spent the last hour in the company of two completely separate people who look exactly the same; I would know Adam anywhere. His blue eyes are crinkling at the corners as his sexy smile spreads slowly across his face and I launch myself to my feet, knocking over my chair in my haste. He stands and opens his arms just as I throw myself at him, kissing his face, his eyes, his cheeks.

“Paige! Paige, I’m so sorry!” He manages to get the words out between my kisses and I can taste the tears on my lips, but I don’t know whether they are his, or mine. I hold his face between my hands and gaze up into his beautiful blue eyes. 
“Oh God, Adam, I’ve missed you,” I choke on the words and I bury my face in his shoulder, breathing in his smell and listening to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat.

“I’m so sorry, Paige,” he murmurs into my hair. “I should have told you; right at the start. I just didn’t know how, and by the time I did, I was in too deep and I was terrified that I would lose you.”

“You could never lose me,” I whisper and I feel his arms tighten around me.

“When I came to, I realised what must have happened and I was determined to tell you the truth. I was losing control and I needed to get back here, but I wanted you with me. When I couldn’t get hold of you and you wouldn’t speak to me, I realised something terrible must have happened. When Frank confirmed it, I was sick to my stomach.”

“Frank confirmed it?” I ask, wondering what he could possibly mean. He nods and the ghost of a smile plays on his lips.

“I went over there looking for you. Frank hit me.” I gasp in astonishment, my hand flying to my mouth. “Yeah,” Adam continues, “he slugged me, right in the eye. I had a shiner for two weeks. He called me a two-timing sack of shit and promised that if I went anywhere near you again he would rip it off.” 

“It?” I laugh, shaking my head in disbelief.

“That’s what he said,” Adam chuckles, shrugging his broad shoulders. After a moment he becomes solemn again. “I deserved it,” he adds sadly. “I can’t believe he did that, that you had to find me like that.” He sounds so distraught and for the first time I see it from his perspective. His body is ultimately a vessel for whatever the others want to get up to when they are in control, and in Kyle’s case, this is sex with random strangers. I cringe inwardly.
Poor Adam
.  

“Stop worrying about it.” I bury my hands in his black curls and lose myself for a moment in his sapphire blue eyes. “It wasn’t you. You would never do that. I know that now.” I run my hands down his neck and rest them on his shoulders before continuing, “We will get through this. Together,” I say and I mean it.

He holds me at arm’s length for a minute before crushing me back to his chest, his strong arms encircling me and his nose buried in my hair. 

“Paige,” he speaks my name like it is a talisman and I close my eyes. 

Yes, it is worth it, I think. As hard as this day has been, as hard as this journey will be, it is worth it. I love this man with every fibre of my being; he is my other half. Without him I feel I am living a half-life. Being with Adam is like doing something that scares me every single day, it is exhilarating, exciting and heartbreaking all at the same time. I need Adam; I do not want to live without him.

I run my fingers through his hair and then infinitely slowly and hesitantly, he lowers his mouth to meet mine. As our lips touch, I feel a familiar jolt deep in my belly and my body instinctively curves toward him. 

“Paige,” he whispers, rubbing his nose against mine, his eyes closed. 

“
Shhh,” I murmur, tilting my head up and kissing him slowly, sensuously, revelling in the fact that he is here with me; that we are finally together, even if only for a moment. In fact now more than ever I realise how important it is to not take a single second for granted.    

Adam groans, a deep-seated need and I take a few steps back, unbuttoning my jeans and dropping them in a heap at my feet. I raise my eyebrow and bite my lip, hoping that this is okay.  I have a desperate need to be with Adam again, to reassure myself that we have not lost our physical bond –
that Kyle has not come between us.

Adam regards me for only a few seconds before his restraint snaps and, taking three quick steps forward, he grabs me around the waist and pulls me toward him, a primal growl escaping him. I grin as I bite his shoulder playfully and he slaps my butt before hoisting me over his shoulder and carrying me into the bedroom.

Chapter 9

“It’s nice to see you back, Adam,” Doctor Sheldon greets us warmly when we return hours later. 

“Doctor Sheldon,” I begin, but he interrupts.

“Carl, please,” he insists and I nod.

“Carl,” I acquiesce. “What do we do now? Where do we start? How do we integrate
the
alters
so that Adam can get his life back?” 

“Whoa!” The doctor raises his hands, “Slow down, Paige. I understand that you're impatient and want results but this is a delicate situation. We need to prepare ourselves – this is not going to resolve itself overnight, no matter how desperately you might wish it.” I feel my face fall and Adam takes my hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

“We do understand that, Doc. We really do, but is there anything we can we do to possibly speed up the process?” he asks and Carl Sheldon laughs.

“Well, firstly, it may not sound like much, but I think that Paige just being here is already helping. It’s providing you, Adam,” he nods at Adam, “with an enormous incentive to hang around.” He smiles encouragingly and I feel more confident already. 

“Yeah, Adam,” I nudge him with my elbow and bat my eyes, “you should stick around.” Adam grins broadly, his eyes roaming my body possessively. 

Doctor Sheldon clears his throat and we both jump a little, my cheeks reddening.

“Firstly, I would suggest that you spend as much time together as possible,” he begins. “Paige, you're welcome to stay here at the facility or if you prefer the Bed and Breakfast...”

“No,” Adam interrupts loudly, his voice echoing through the room and we both turn to stare at him. “Sorry, Doc,” he says by way of apology before continuing. “My place,” he turns to me, speaking sincerely, “I want you to stay at my place.”

“Sure,” I nod, placing my hand on his leg, “of course.” I turn to the doctor for confirmation that this is okay and I am relieved to see that he is smiling encouragingly. 

“Perfect,” he answers. “And you, Adam?” he asks and we both blink in confusion. 

“Carl?” I ask, wondering where he is going with this. He smiles at us. 

“It stands to reason that if you are staying at Adam’s and you need to spend as much time as possible together, then Adam should probably stay with you at his house.” Doctor Sheldon grins at what I can only imagine is shock etched on both of our faces.

“But...” I look to Adam, unsure of how to proceed. He looks just as uncertain and is looking from me to the doc.

“As I've mentioned before,” Carl continues, “Adam is not a prisoner here. He is free to come and go as he pleases. Obviously I can only help him if he wants to be helped and for that he needs to be as comfortable as possible. This is a voluntary process, after all,” he smiles encouragingly.

I take a moment to process this. Living together with Adam, being with him every single day is like a dream come true. But the truth is that it’s not going to be just me and Adam. Kyle and Simon will be with us too, and Jacob. I feel a nervousness in the pit of my stomach and I bite down on my bottom lip. Can I do this? I turn to Adam to gauge his reaction and any reservations I am about to voice die on my lips. Adam is beaming. His smile lights up the room and his beautiful eyes are crinkling at the corners. It is my favourite Adam smile multiplied by a hundred. My heart leaps in my chest. How can I resist, his delight is infectious. 

“That sounds wonderful.
” I smile, and Adam grabs me and twirls me in the air, his laughter ringing in my ears, the sweetest sound in the world.

I tell Adam that I need a few hours to sort out a couple of things and I leave him at the Institute, driving back to the Bed and Breakfast to pack my belongings. I did not tell Adam this but I desperately need to gather my thoughts and mentally prepare myself for what is to come. I am as ready as I am ever going to be; there is nowhere in the world that I would rather be than here at Adam’s side, but even so, the journey ahead is not one that I'm looking forward to. Here, just for a moment, I do not have to hide my feelings and I can let the tears fall freely. Why did this have to happen? I met a man; I fell in love. He was perfect. Why couldn’t it have just been that simple? Why does this have to be so God-damned hard? I sit cross-legged on the bed and let go of the flood that has been building since Doctor Sheldon opened that door and I saw Adam’s blue eyes staring at me out of Kyle’s face. I cry so hard that I'm struggling to breathe and I have to take huge gasping breaths that hurt my throat. I allow myself a few more moments of self-pity and selfishness and then I lock up the hurt in a tiny part of
myself that I am determined Adam will never see. 

I have a shower and wash away the tears and the grief. The water falls over me like rain and soothes me, giving me strength. I slowly become calmer and am able to think properly; to plan. There are no half measures. No half-life. I know what I have to do and am summoning all my energy to do it. I dress quickly after my shower, collect all of my things and head downstairs. 

Mr Bass helps me load up the sporty little car.

“We were so looking forward to your stay,” Mrs Bass sounds genuinely disappointed and I frown in consternation.

“I'm so sorry, Mrs Bass. It really is beautiful here, but I have to go. I can’t explain it, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be silly, love. I know why you’re
here, you have important business to take care of. It’s just lovely to have a young person in the house again. Mr Bass gets a bit boring after a bit,” she laughs and her husband rolls his eyes at her. I smile at both of them.

“Well, thank you both so much. Could I possibly use your phone before I leave? I'm happy to pay for the call charges.” Mrs Bass waves away my offer with a flap of her hand and Mr Bass shows me to the den where the telephone is.

“Thank you,” I call after him as he gently shuts the door.

I've made my decision; there's no turning back now. I pick up the handset and start to dial.

I make three calls. The first is to Fairview to check up on my father. He is fine, no change, not that I expected any. He seemed a bit restless on Sunday, the orderly mentions, and I feel a pang of guilt. I did not go and see him on Sunday. It is the first time in over a year that I have missed my weekly visit. I leave my contact details and ask that they please keep me informed and contact me for anything out of the ordinary and let me know if he needs anything.

The second call I make is to
The Vine,
the local magazine that I have been working at for almost two years. Henry Duncan does not take kindly to my telephonic, no-notice-period, resignation. 

“Henry, I'm truly sorry,” I say again. I have explained the situation, I felt it only right.

“You're making a mistake, Paige,” Henry warns. “Mark my words, this is a mistake. That boy has serious issues. You’re better off without him, trust me.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way, Henry,” I say firmly, “and I'm really sorry to let you down like this. I'm happy to freelance the odd piece until you find a replacement.”

“Can you do that?” he barks, sounding slightly appeased.

“Of course.”
I think the work will probably be good for me; it will help me keep my mind off things. “Not too much, though,” I clarify, “I don’t want to let you down on a reliability factor. I’d prefer not to bite off more than I can chew.”
“Fine, fine,” he answers curtly. “But Paige, I hope you understand that I can't keep your position open. When things don’t work out down there you can’t come waltzing back into my office and pick up where you left off.”

“I do understand that, Henry,” I reply demurely. “Thank you again, for everything.”

He clicks his tongue irritably. 

“Paige!” he snaps just before I hang up.

“Yes?” I ask and he sighs.

“When you do decide you’re ready to come back give me a ring anyway.
You never know, we might have an opening. You’re pretty good.” A pause and then, “Good luck, kid.”

“Thanks, Henry.” I smile and hang up.

I lay my head down on the dark wood desk before making the final call. I cannot believe I just quit my job. I worked so hard to get that job and to get to where I am; freelancing, having time to myself – time to do the things that I set out to do without having to worry about a normal nine to five.
Dammit!
I can sense the tears just below the surface. It will not take much to push me over the edge and I cannot risk breaking down again. Sniffing, I lift the receiver and bring it to my ear, dialling the familiar number.

“Not even a phone call! You travel halfway across the country without
so much as a phone call! Really, Paige, I taught you better than that,” she pauses, considering this for a second, and no doubt patting herself on the back for her excellent parenting skills. Once suitably acknowledged she continues, “I never liked that boy.” She is building up momentum and I interrupt her straight away.

“Mom, you adored Adam. You even tried to kiss him at Aunt Jackie’s 60th.” 

My mother splutters in denial.

“I did not! I told you, Paige, I thought he was Frank!” she shrieks indignantly. “Anyway, Jackie always puts far too much
Pimms in the punch bowl; I was half-baked after one tiny fruit cup. I wouldn’t have been surprised if I had tried to let the dog drive me home.”

I smile despite myself and listen to her rant on for a few more minutes, shaking my head fondly. Eventually I glimpse my wristwatch and realise the time.

“Mom!” I interrupt hastily. “I know you’re concerned and I love you for it, truly, but I love Adam. I have to do this. Now,” I get down to business, “could I speak to Frank, please.”

It takes a few more minutes for my mother to wrap up and I slip a 20 dollar bill under the telephone book, feeling guilty about the call costs not to mention the inconvenience I have caused by cancelling my room at such short notice. 

“Hi, Paigey, what’s up?” I can’t help but smile when I hear Frank’s voice. I give him a brief rundown of what is going on. There is an uncomfortable pause.

“I don’t like it, Paige,” Frank remarks honestly. “I still haven’t forgiven that boy for what he did to you.” I hear him expel a deep breath and then he continues, “I was worried we might lose you again – like before,” he adds, and I stiffen. I know what he is talking about.  I just never realised that my behaviour after Kevin’s death had affected Frank. 

“It wasn’t his fault, Frank,” I say, feeling like I have done nothing but make excuses for Adam since I arrived and wishing that I didn’t have to.

“Yeah, I get that, love,” he says patiently, “but it still doesn’t change the fact that he hurt you. And anyone who hurts you doesn’t make it into my good books,
Paigey, intentional or not.” I feel tears prick at my eyes again and once more I find myself longing for a simple life.

“Frank, I need your help,” I change the subject and, being Frank, he does not press the issue. He has said his piece; he will not harp on about it. This is exactly why I have always been far more comfortable confiding in Frank than I have in my mother.

“It’s Dad,” I begin, not quite sure how to ask him what I want to.

“Yes?” he questions and then, “Oh, Paige!” he sighs - he knows exactly what I am asking.

“I know it’s a lot to ask!” I interrupt before he has a chance to protest. “But there's no-one else I can ask. You know what mom’s like, she couldn’t be bothered. And it’s not like it makes any difference to him who it is, he doesn’t know any of us anyway. It’s just once a week.  A game of chess or Scrabble. Two games, tops. Please, Frank, I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important – you know I wouldn’t.” I pause for breath and I realise that I'm rambling. “I just can’t stand the thought of him being alone,” I finish in a small voice.

There is nothing but silence on the other end of the line for a long moment and then I hear him sigh. 

“Oh, Paige!” he grumbles and I exhale in relief; I know Frank – he’ll do it. “Fine,” he confirms, grudgingly, “I’ll do it, but I'm drawing the line at Cluedo. I don’t give a damn if Mrs Pepper did it in the drawing-room with a candlestick; that's just not going to fly. Got it? Chess, backgammon – that’s it. Scrabble if I absolutely have to. That’s where I draw the line.”

“Absolutely!”
I promise, positively euphoric now that the biggest worry is off my chest.  I feel literally as though a massive weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

“I love you, Frank,” I say.

“Just be careful, Paigey,” he warns and I know what he is referring to. 

“I will,” I promise, hoping that this is a promise I will be able to keep. I do not know if my heart can survive losing anything else. 

The drive back to fetch Adam seems shorter and, in no time at all, we are packed up and ready to go. Doctor Sheldon wants us back at the institute every morning at 9.30 for Adam’s sessions and his emergency mobile phone will be switched on day and night in case I need his help for any reason.

“Just do what you think is best,” he advises me, giving me a quick hug. “Trust your instincts.  If you’re unsure, call me,” he reiterates and I nod in acknowledgement. 

“Thank you.”