Randal Telk and the 396 Steps to Sexual Bliss (9 page)

* * * * *

A squad was detailed to check out the
dead snipers.
Private Telk found their bunker.
Fresh armadillo meat was still cooking on a grill.
Life on the Frontier
, mused Telk,
under the stars, killing your own food, no more neighbors, no more MREs.
That
’
s the life for me, under that big blue Montana sky...

* * * * *

Randal Grizzly Telk
faced the hungry grizzly bear and its whiny snot-nosed cub.
Backed against a cliff, Telk made mamma bear an offer she c
ould
n
’
t refuse
. “B
ack off, or I turn your ankle
-
biter cub into my next hat.
”
Mamma Bear arrogantly reared up and charged.
Telk, anticipating the charge, dropped flat, letting her own momentum take Mamma Bear over the cliff.
She roared all the way down
. The roar ended in a bi
g
s
plat!
Stupid bear.

Telk admired the pelt on his future hat.
The cub begged for mercy like a puppy, finding a soft spot in Telk
’
s hard exterior.
Telk spared the cub, training it not to shit in the woods or cabin floors, and to bark alarm at strangers.
The training soon paid off when the cub caught an Indian stealing a fox pelt from one of Telk
’
s traps.
The two grappled.
Knives flashed.
In an instant
,
the fight was over.
The Indian lowered his guard when the cub attacked his ankle, allowing Telk to slice the savage
’
s throat.

After that, Indian tribes knew better and steered clear of Randal Grizzly Telk, mountain man extraordinaire.
Indian lore still tells the story of the lone white man and his grizzly companion, somewhere out there in the Montana mountains, living off the land, at one with nature, only coming to town once a month for beer and food stamps.

Chapter 9

The silence
after
twenty
roaring
tank engines shut down
was
deafening.
Posted to perimeter guard duty, Private Telk enjoyed the solitude and grandeur of the desert
, realizing d
eserts
wer
e not necessarily desolate.
Grass gr
e
w below thorny shrubs and bushes.
Cactus r
ose
up above the shrubs and sage.
Many insects fl
ew
and buzz
ed
about.
Rodents and lizards s
ought
shade from the oppressive heat or scurr
ied
for safety from birds and snakes.
At night, untold numbers of creatures c
a
me out of their holes to eat or be eaten.

Private Telk appreciated that the desert was not a barren place, but rather a dry jungle.
Legionnaires adapted to the New Gobi Desert the same as Old Earth creatures.
Pace yourself, stay in the shade by day, hunt at night, and know where your next drink comes from.
Sergeants
often repeated the warning,
Eve
rything in the desert pokes, stings, or bites.
Do not fight the desert, be wary, and respect her.
The desert is as alien and hostile to humanity as any distant planet.
Private Telk
imagined what faced
early space explorers
, and a daydream ensued..
.

* * * * *

Astronaut Randal Armstrong Telk crashed his space ship on the Martian desert.
The damn thing was supposed to bounce like a basket ball, but the balloons popped.
Now Telk was stuck on Mars, his ship badly damaged.
Fortunately his supply of cigarettes was intact.
Telk immediately lit up.

The future looked bleak.
Mars would be Telk
’
s home for a while.
Telk could not blast off to reach the orbiting space platform.
On the upside, the radio worked.
It was time for ceremonial words to entertain the public back home.
Telk had a script to follow as he stepped from the ladder, becoming the first man to walk on Mars.
Emotion overwhelmed Telk.
He knew
he
was going to die on this desolate shit-hole planet, and it wasn
’
t his fault.
Fuck it.
Telk tossed the script, deciding not
to repeat
those bullshit lines about one small step for man and one giant step for humankind.
“
Houston
,
this is Telk
. Y
our fucking
m
ade
-i
n
-
China balloons popped, and my ship wrecked.
Someone needs their ass kicked for this!
”

“
The first words spoken on Mars cannot be swear words,
”
admonished Houston.
“
The whole world is listening, Commander Telk.
Stick to the script.
”

“
Fine!
I
’
m taking one big step on this fucking ghetto of a planet.
Whose idea was this, anyway?
There
’
s fucking nothing here but rocks!
”

“
Commander, we realize you are upset.
We are doing all we can to formulate a rescue plan.
”

“
Suck my left tit, Houston!
”
answered Commander Telk, giving the camera the one
-
fingered salute.

“
Our engineers are studying your problem.
We need you to inventory salvageable parts.
Perhaps you can
execute some
duct
-
tape repairs.
”

“
Another use for duct tape?
”
asked Commander Telk, examining mangled rocket fuel containers.
“
Eat my crusty shorts!
”

“
Do not despair.
We calculate you have at least
a
month of oxygen
, if you remain calm and frugal
.
”

“
I
’
m going to masturbate, then take a nap.
Tell Yolanda I
’
m thinking of her, and that I love her.
”

“
T.M.I.
Thank you for sharing.
”

“
Tell Brother Barack to go fuck himself.
Change my absentee ballot to a straight Republican ticket!
”

Houston hastily disconnected.

* * * * *

As Captain Patton checked pickets
,
he stopped to talk to Private Telk, crouching in a makeshift bunker.
“
Son, I heard you were the one whose wife got abducted by aliens.
The Legion will get her back, don
’
t you worry.
”

“
I don
’
t know if I
’
m up to it, sir,
”
replied Private Telk, depressed.
“
Everyone and everything out here wants to kill me.
The desert itself wants to kill me.
That sniper almost killed me today.
Close calls are becoming more frequent.
”

“
Be proud that you are worth killing,
”
advised Captain Patton.
“
Many are not.
You
’
re an American.
Americans adapt.
Not used to the desert?
The greatest wars and tank battles on Earth were fought in the desert.
Adapting to change is in America
’
s DNA.
It
’
s in your DNA.
That
’
s why America always survives, even when we elect idiots and Democrats.
”

“
Yes, sir.
”

A bald eagle landed on a mesquite tree nearby.
It was pecking at something small in its talons.

“
See that eagle?
That
’
s not any eagle, it
’
s an American Bald Eagle, seeded here on New Colorado as a symbol of American strength and resolve.
”

“
Yes, sir,
”
answered Telk, looking away.

Captain Patton impatiently grabbed Telk by the shoulder, shaking him.
“
Damn it, look at that eagle!
Tell me what you see!
”

“
A big bird, a big American bird,
”
answered Telk, panicking, but wanting to please.
“
I don
’
t know.
It looks kind of ragged.
Pickings must be slim out here!
”

“
That
’
s right!
Pickings are slim for all of God
’
s creatures out here in the New Gobi Desert.
Yet that American
e
agle survives!
”

“
Yes, sir.
”

“
There are scriptural references to eagles!
”

“
I
’
m sure,
”
replied Telk, getting annoyed, but not yet losing his temper.
It might not be wise going off on an officer, especially this one.
“
So you
’
re telling me to buck it up?
Yes, sir, I can do that.
”

“
Damn it, listen to what I
’
m saying.
You have been changing ever since you joined the Legion.
You had to, or you
’
d be dead now.
But more change is coming, just like with that eagle.
Embrace the change!
”

“
Yes, sir.
”

“
That eagle will eat lizards to survive.
”

“
I ate
an
armadillo today.
”

“
That
’
s the spirit!
”
exclaimed Captain Patton, slapping Telk on the back.

“
Tasted like chicken, except different.
”

“
Armadillo tastes like roadkill shit, but in a pinch it will do.
”
Patton gazed back at the eagle
.
“
That bald eagle has the longest life-span among birds, up to
seventy
years.
But to reach that grand age, the eagle must make a hard decision.
In its
forties
, its long beak becomes bent.
Its old-aged and heavy wings, due to thick feathers, become stuck to its chest, making it difficult to fly.
The eagle is left with two options:
die or go through a painful process of change lasting
one-hundred-fifty
days.
The process requires that the eagle fly to a mountain top and sit on its nest.
There the eagle knocks its beak against a rock until it
falls off and regrows
.
The eagle waits for a new beak to grow back, then plucks out its talons.
When new talons grow back, the eagle plucks out its old-aged feathers.
After this five month process, the eagle takes its famous flight of rebirth, living for another thirty years.
”

“
That
’
s awesome!
”
marveled Private Telk.