Randal Telk and the 396 Steps to Sexual Bliss (12 page)

“
You
’
re tough when someone is tied up and defenseless!
”
shouted Ceausescu, spitting out a front tooth.
“
Asshole!
”

Invisible-Claw cut Ceausescu
’
s restraints, daring her to make a move, playing for the cameras.
“
This is a game to you?
”
he asked.
“
You still think the Legion is going to rescue you?
”

“
I don
’
t know,
”
replied Ceausescu, quietly, looking down.
“
Probably not.
”

“
We offered to return you to the Legion in exchange for political prisoners held in your South Pole gulags, but Colonel Czerinski kept to his rhetoric about not negotiating with terrorists.
Then I find out you are already a movie star!
”

“
I don
’
t know what you are talking about.
”

“
Oh
,
come now, you are way too modest,
”
taunted Invisible-Claw, holding his communication pad up for all to see.
“
Research of database archives shows you participated in the torture and firing
-
squad execution of one of our comrades.
After the first volley deliberately failed to kill my cousin, you shot him with your pistol as he plead
ed
for his life.
You are a war criminal.
”

“
I was following orders.
I am a medic.
I save lives, mostly.
”

“
Smile for the camera,
”
ordered Invisible-Claw.
“
It will be your last chance to say goodbye to loved ones.
”

Ceausescu smiled a missing
-
tooth smile, giving the camera the
one-finger
ed salute.
Invisible-Claw viciously sliced off her extended finger with Ceausescu
’
s own captured combat knife.
Ceausescu fell back in pain, clutching her hand.

“
I told you earlier this is not a game.
I will mail you in pieces to the Legion if our comrades are not released.
Next time wave with all four human pestilence digits.
”

“
Fuck you, bug!
”

* * * * *

I let Private Telk watch Elena
’
s painful scream on the database news.
She was so brave, not once crying.
Telk wondered
aloud
how he would hold up to torture.
Probably not well.
I switched off the screen, leading Private Telk to the side of my armored car.
A handcuffed spider stood next to Major Lopez, off in the field.

“
Do you know who this spider is?
”
I asked, giving the spider a shove.

“
No, sir.
”

“
This is River Rat Claw, leader of the River Rat Gang.
He just shuttled up from the South Pole.
The terrorists want to exchange your wife for him.
”

“
Elena is going to be exchanged?
”
asked Telk, brightening.
“
Now?
”

“
Not yet.
”
answered Major Lopez, handing Telk a sawed off shotgun.
“
Blow his legs off first.
”

“
What?
”
asked Telk, horrified.
“
No!
They
’
ll kill Elena for sure!
”

“
It
’
s okay,
”
I assured Telk.
“
Spiders grow back most lost appendages.
He
’
ll be fine once the pain stops.
”

“
I don
’
t understand,
”
argued Telk.
“
I won
’
t do it!
”

“
They cut off Corporal Ceausescu
’
s finger on galactic TV,
”
I explained.
“
That
’
s a bad precedent that needs to be set right before negotiations can resume.
Shoot his legs off.
That
’
s an order!
”

Trembling, Private Telk approached River Rat Claw, aiming the shotgun.
He fumbled with the safety.

“
I am being executed?
”
asked River Rat Claw.
“
First you freeze my ass in your gulag, then you shoot my ass for no good reason?
What about my Constitutional rights?
”

“
Sorry, nothing personal.
”

“
Nothing personal
,
my ass,
”
complained River Rat Claw.
“
The Butcher of New Colorado is behind this atrocity.
Don
’
t get drawn into his murderous web.
Someday there will be an accounting!
”

Private Telk fired one blast at the spider
’
s feet, missing.
River Rat Claw danced high into the air.
Telk steadied himself, firing again at River Rat Claw
’
s legs, this time hitting him dead center in the chest.

“
Damn it, you weren
’
t supposed to kill him!
”
I shouted, grabbing a roll of duct tape for first aid.
Not good.
River Rat Claw was very dead.
I could see air through the hole.
Shit!

“
What now?
”
asked Major Lopez.
“
I knew this was not a good idea.
I told you so!
”

“
Shut up!
Get another member of the River Rat Gang.
We
can still trade for Ceausescu.
”

The entire incident was broadcast across the galaxy on the database from our helmet cameras.
Ratings hit an all
-
time high.

* * * * *

“
What a putz!
”
sighed Corporal Ceausescu, viewing the execution.
“
My hero strikes again.
”

“
Maybe the Legion does not want you back,
”
suggested Invisible-Claw.

“
Your death won
’
t be so merciful,
”
threatened Ceausescu.

“
Do you and Colonel Czerinski have a history?
”
asked Invisible-Claw.
“
That would explain a lot.
I do not detect any sense of urgency on the part of your Legion commander.
”

“
Czerinski is an asshole, just like you.
”

“
Just saying.
Negotiations are not going well.
Maybe your loving husband does not want you back either.
Community property issues?
”

“
You know nothing!
”
cried Ceausescu.
“
Sometimes I can be a bit difficult.
I freely admit that.
But Randal loves me, and the Legion is my family.
”

“
You will be executed soon.
”

“
It is you who thinks war is a game.
Harm me again, and you will die slow and painful.
It
’
s a Legion tradition.
”

Chapter 13

Private Telk was the runt of his family.
No matter, lots of great people in history were short.
Napoleon, for one, and ... Napoleon, the second time he tried to conquer the world.
What an asshole.
Maybe that
’
s why Telk liked Private Krueger.
Krueger was even shorter than Telk, and he didn
’
t take shit off anyone.
The man always carried a grenade in his pants, and was not afraid to use it.

Thinking back to
his
childhood was not pleasant
for Telk
.
He
had to walk ten miles to school, in the snow, uphill both ways, through the ghetto.
He always got robbed of his lunch money and Nike shoes.
Telk went barefoot until he graduated.
Yeah, barefoot in the snow.
Others had it worse, he supposed.
Some got killed, dying of frostbite.
Actually, Telk
’
s memory was a bit fuzzy since his last concussion.
But he knew it was probably bad growing up on the wrong side of the tracks, barefoot, stepping on
d
evil
’
s
c
lub thorns the whole way to school, on the mean streets of Tukwila, Washington.

Turning to crime to escape poverty and sore feet, Telk became known as the Barefoot Bandit.
A judge gave Telk a choice, ten years in prison, or join America
’
s Galactic Foreign Legion.
It was easy to choose boots over prison.
Some had it worse.
Private Telk immediately started imagining a childhood worse than his own for one of his many fantasy alter-egos...

* * * * *

Born the second son to dirt-
poor devout Southern Baptist gypsies living on the Louisiana bayou, Randal Moses Telk was named after a man of the cloth.
Being undersized and the
second-
born son, Randal was cursed to be a failure.
In keeping with gypsy tradition, infant Randal was set on the tide, afloat in a reed basket.

Swamp turtles snapped and pulled at the basket, keeping it from sinking.
Pa Telk, a mean and spiteful poor excuse for human debris, threw rocks at the basket
,
attempting to sink the abandoned baby.
Hurricane Katrina forced Pa Telk inside and beached the basket. Sensing an easy meal, a large alligator followed, looming over the helpless baby.
Randal pulled a large safety pin from his diaper, skewering the gator under its soft chin, tearing out its throat.

“
Who
’
s top dog now, bitch?
”
exclaimed Randal, uttering his first words.
“
Who
’
s your daddy?
”

Baby Randal crawled to the family shack and kicked in the bolted door.
He climbed up into his crib and kicked his toddler
first-
born brother out.
Randal lit a cigarette, breathing out through his nose, just kickin
’
back
,
trying to relax from a first day of kicking ass.
Soon he was snoring.
Pa Telk grudgingly decided Randal might be a keeper after all.

Randal grew up fast, hard, and mean.
Randal lost his virginity at age four to cousin Yolanda, teaching her the
three-hundred-ninety-six
steps to sexual bliss before he even knew how to count.
At age six
, Randal was already being used for
gator bait
. Pa Telk dragged
the boy on a line behind their flat swamp motor boat.
Big for his age, at ten Randal could pull the biggest meanest alligator from the water with just one hand.
That
’
s all Randal had because an alligator bit off the other hand.
At age twelve Randal
,
kicked his old man
’
s ass and threw the bastard to the gators.