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I didn’t know what room she was staying in, so I took her to my room and dropped her on the bed. She leaned over the edge and puked on the floor. I cleaned it up with a towel and threw it in the bathtub to wash it out. When I stepped back into the room, she was sleeping. The sad thing was that she still looked ridiculously beautiful. I sat on the chair and turned the TV on. Tyson had texted me Blake’s number, but it was too late to call him, so I watched infomercials until I fell asleep.

At seven in the morning, I woke up with a kink in my back and my left leg had pins and needles. I called Blake and woke him up.

“What?” he grumbled.

“Did you get my brother messed up in side betting?”

“Who is this?”

“Who do you think it is?”

“Cole got himself messed up in side betting.”

“Exactly how much does he owe?”

“Last I heard it was about forty-seven thousand.”

I stood and paced. “What the hell? You know he’s not stable at the moment. Why’d you let him get in that deep?”

“I didn’t let him do nothing. He made his own bets. He’s a big boy.”

“You should have told me.”

“I’m not his guardian, and I’m fairly certain you aren’t either.”

Enraged, I tugged at the roots of my hair to prevent myself from going off on him. “How long until it needs to be paid off?”

“I can talk to my dad about Cole being crazy. He’ll probably give him an extension, but the juice will be running, so I wouldn’t take too long.”

“What happens if he can’t pay it?”

“You don’t want to know,” he said, then hung up.

“God damn it.”

Tawnie sat up startled as if she didn’t know where she was. She saw me pacing and frowned. “What’s wrong? Why are you swearing?”

“I got problems that have nothing to do with you.”

“What am I doing here?”

“You got really drunk and passed out. I brought you back here because I didn’t know which room you were staying in.”

“Did anything happen?”

I winced a little and turned to stare out the window.

“What? What happened?”

“You don’t want to know.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She stood up to look down at herself and seemed confused. “Did you put my clothes back on?”

“They were never off.”

“Then whatever happened couldn’t have been that bad.”

My face winced again. “Oh, it was pretty bad.”

“Jesus Christ. Just tell me what happened.”

“You went down on me in the bar, and Lee-Anne and Shae-Lynn saw.”

Her expression froze and it looked as if she stopped breathing. “In the bar?”

I nodded, wishing to hell it hadn’t happened.

“Why didn’t you stop me?”

I glanced at her, wondering the same thing. “I tried.”

“Bullshit.” She bolted into the bathroom and slammed the door. A few minutes later, she swung it open again and stood with her hands on her hips as if she was waiting for me to say something.

I stared at her for a long time, then I said, “I’m going to ask Shae-Lynn to ride Stella.”

“What?”

“I need to. Sorry.”

“You need to. What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I just need to. It’s complicated.”

She shook her head. “She’s the girl, isn’t she?”

“Which girl?”

“The girl who Blake messed with and got you all worked up over.”

“It’s not like that. I need to sell Stella to help pay off my brother’s debt. Shae-Lynn’s a better barrel racer than you and I need her to ride Stella so I can attract a buyer who’s willing to pay a lot of money for her. It’s just business.”

“Fine,” she snapped. “I don’t want to ride your horse anyway.” She started crying, but quickly wiped her tears.

“Please don’t cry. This isn’t about you. I need the money.”

“Fine. Talk to Shae and have her come by my trailer to pick Stella up.”

“Thanks, Tawnie.”

“Screw you, Billy.” She picked up the lamp and threw it at me. The cord ripped out of the wall and the shade bounced off me. The ceramic shattered when it hit the ground. “Don’t thank me. I’m not doing it to help you. I’m doing it because I don’t want anything to do with you, which includes riding your stupid horse.” She swung the door open and left.

I exhaled and took my phone out of my pocket to call Shae-Lynn. She didn’t answer, so I texted,
Please call me. I need to talk to you.

No.

It was an instant response that felt like a hoof to the shin. Although I knew full well she’d be disappointed in me and maybe even disgusted by what she saw at the bar, I had spent the night hoping she’d miraculously forget about it and let me off the hook. No such luck. I stared at her message for a while, then left the hotel room to go track her down.

Shae-Lynn was tacking Harley by their motorhome. When she saw me approaching, she lunged towards the door as if she wanted to escape from me. I stepped sideways to block her and grabbed the handle. She turned back around and ducked under Harley’s neck so he was between us. She didn’t say anything. She lifted the saddle pad and put it on Harley’s back.

Mrs. Roberts stepped out of their motorhome and smiled at me. “Hi Billy. How’s your mom?”

I moved out of her way. “I haven’t talked to her since she got home. She was in Victoria because Cole was in the hospital there.”

She made a sympathetic expression and lowered her voice, “I heard about that. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

“Well, tell her I said hi. I’ll call her when we’re back in Calgary.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“I’m going to the coffee shop. Do you want anything?”

“No. I’m fine, thanks.”

“Shae?”

“No thanks, Mom.”

She seemed to sense that there was some sort of tension between Shae-Lynn and me, but instead of prying, she said, “I’ll see you later,” and walked away.

I rested my elbow on Harley and watched Shae-Lynn, still not sure how to make things right. “Aren’t you going to look at me?”

She shook her head adamantly and lifted the saddle.

“Your nails look nice,” I finally said to try to smooth things over.

She glanced at her pink nails with the white tips, but my compliment only seemed to make her more irritated before she slid her hand along the cinch to tighten it.

Getting her to respect me again wasn’t going to happen anytime soon, so I cut straight to the reason I was there. “Will you ride Stella for me?”

“No.” She turned and grabbed the bridle from where it was hanging on a fence post. She slid it over Harley’s ears and buckled the straps.

“Please. I just found out that Cole owes almost fifty thousand dollars in gambling debts. I need to sell Stella. If you ride her in the next couple of competitions, I’ll get the best price for her.”

“No.” She unhooked Harley from the fence and led him towards the back field behind the arena.

I walked with her. “Why? Because you’re mad at me?”

“I’m not mad at you, Billy. I don’t want to ride a horse in competition that I’ve never ridden before.”

“You don’t have to ride her today. Just take some practice runs on her and see what you think.”

“No thanks. Are you done? I need to warm up.” She stopped walking and stood with her back to me. She leaned against Harley’s shoulder.

Even though I knew exactly why, I asked, “Why won’t you look at me?”

“I can’t.”

I wanted her to say it, so I pressed, “Why?”

“Because.”

“Because why?”

“Because I want to remember you as the guy I thought you were. I want to remember the guy who is sweet to his mom and would give his left arm to his brother if he needed it; the guy who’s a good enough friend to stay up all night talking to me so I won’t be scared; and the guy who is stupid enough to buy a horse for a girl he has a crush on. If I look at you right now, all I’m going to see is a hick asshole who let a really drunk girl give him a blow job in the bathroom hall of a bar.” She waved her hand in front of her eyes as if she was trying to wipe the disgusting image off her eyeballs. “I don’t want to see you as that guy.”

It felt better to hear her say it and she was right, but I didn’t want it to be true anymore than she did. “Come on, Shae-Lynn. I’m still that other guy.”

She shook her head, not buying it.

“It was just sex. It didn’t mean anything,” I said, more to convince myself than to prove it to her.

“Yeah, well, sex is supposed to mean something. It’s supposed to be something intimate and private between two people who love each other. I don’t know what that was.” Although she still hadn’t looked me in the face, I could see that her neck and cheeks were flushed.

“I’m sorry that it offended you, but I can’t take it back.”

“No, you can’t.” At least we agreed on one thing.

“I’m still the same person.”

She shook her head at the realization that me being the same old Billy was exactly the problem. “When are you going to smarten up? You can’t keep using women and throwing them away. One day you’re going to wake up and realize you’re all alone and miserable. Everybody except you will have moved on.”

“I didn’t use Tawnie.”

“No? Really?” She focused on my belt buckle and the frustration in her voice went up a notch as she gave me shit. “So, does that mean it’s serious? Are you guys dating? Have you made a commitment to be with her for longer than the maximum of two nights you normally date a girl for?”

I swallowed hard. “No.”

“Then you used her. I thought maybe you had it in you to be a stand up guy, but obviously I was wrong.”

That one stung, but I knew she was right and I didn’t want our friendship to be ruined because I was an idiot. “So, you’re never going to look at me again?”

She jammed her boot into the stirrup and grabbed the horn. She hopped up, then swung her leg over Harley’s back. “I have to warm up. Good luck trying to find someone to ride Stella.” She clicked her tongue and gave Harley a kick.

It felt as if they trampled me. Partly because she’d stood her ground and refused to let me get away with the same old bullshit I’d been pulling for years. But mostly because I respected her opinion, and the confirmation that she hated me as much as I hated myself hurt like hell. I had to bend over and rest my hands on my knees as I gasped for oxygen.

After a few minutes of wheezing and wincing, Lee-Anne rode up on her horse, Misty. “Are you all right, Billy Ray?”

“Nope.” I stood up and clutched my chest.

“What’s wrong? You’re a bit young to be having a heart attack.”

“I’ve got stress. I think it’s killing me.” I flinched from the pain as I looked up at her. “Sorry about what you saw last night.”

“Yeah, you should be. I don’t think I’ll ever get that scandalous image unetched from my mind. Too bad Shae wouldn’t let me tell anyone. It would have been good enough gossip to get people to stop talking about your brother’s meltdown.”

“You didn’t tell anyone?”

“No. Shae wouldn’t let me.”

I glanced over and watched Shae-Lynn trotting on the other side of the field. “Why’d she do that?”

Lee-Anne smiled as if she pitied me. “I guess she likes Tawnie and didn’t want anyone to think badly of her.” She pulled her reins to the side and clicked her tongue to get Misty to walk on. “See you around, Billy Ray.”

I watched as she galloped to catch up to Shae-Lynn. She said something to her and Shae-Lynn turned her head to look at me for a second. I was still holding my chest. It felt as if someone was squashing my heart with their bare hand. It hurt worse than when the bull caved my face in. I inhaled repeatedly and forced my legs to take steps.

Eventually, I made my way to where Tawnie was parked. Stella was tied up to the trailer, but not tacked. Tawnie was sitting in the passenger seat of her truck with the door open. She looked up at me, then went back to reading the magazine that was on her lap before she said, “What’s wrong with you? You look like shit.”

“Shae-Lynn said no.” I leaned on the truck door. “You can ride her.”

“I’m not riding her. Shae still has to come get her. I’m not taking her.”

“She can’t. They only have a two-horse trailer. Why don’t you ride her?”

“I can’t show my face around these people again. I’m sure Shae and Lee-Anne told everyone what they saw. I’m probably going to lose my sponsor.”

“They didn’t tell anyone.”

She glanced at me and frowned. “How do you know?”

“Lee-Anne told me. Nobody else knows but them.”

“I don’t want to ride Stella. I’m too hungover to ride. I’m going home and I’m not taking your horse with me.”

“Please keep her until I find a buyer. I’ll pay you for boarding her.”

“No.” She flipped through the magazine pictures.

“Then lend me your trailer. I’ll take her back to Saskatoon and board her there.”

“You’ll have to drive it all the way back to Edmonton to return it.”

“Fine,” I said, too exhausted to fight about it.

She glanced at me. “All right. Get your truck.” She hopped out of her truck and unhitched the trailer.

As I was walking to my truck, Shae-Lynn rode up from behind me and slowed down. She didn’t look at me, but she said, “You can take Stella to the ranch. My dad’s there. I’ll train on her this week and decide if I want to ride her in competition.”

“Really? Thanks, Shae-Lynn.”

“Shae,” she corrected me and then galloped away. When she was halfway back to the warm-up field, Nate stepped out from the row of campers and waved her over. She turned Harley and stopped in front of Nate. They talked for a while. Nate’s hand rested on her knee the entire time. When the conversation was over, Nate stepped back with a big grin on his face. She turned Harley back around, then glanced briefly in my direction before transitioning into a trot.

It was only three hours from Leduc to the Roberts’ ranch in Calgary, so I got there before lunch. Shae-Lynn must have called her dad to tell him I was coming because he was expecting me. He met me at the truck and shook my hand as I got out.

“Hey, Mr. Roberts.”

“Call me Trent.”

“Yes, Sir.”

He slapped my shoulder and wandered around to the back of the trailer. “I hear you’ve got a fast mare you want Shae to ride.”

“Yes, Sir.”

He opened the trailer and backed Stella out. “Brody,” he shouted over to a ranch hand who was unloading bales of hay from a flatbed truck. “Come take Stella. You can put her next to Skeeter.”

Tawnie had written all the information about Stella’s feed and schedule on a piece of paper that I handed to Brody. He led Stella into the barn. Trent walked over to yell at a bunch of guys sitting on the fence around a corral. “Are any of you donkeys planning on getting some work done today?”

They all looked at him, smiling. “It’s lunch time, Sir,” one of the guys shouted. “Jeremy’s about to have his first go on a bronc. You might want to watch.”

“Jeremy needs to mend fences this afternoon. If he gets hurt, you all are going to be doing his work for him.” Trent climbed the rails and sat on the top one to watch.

I climbed up next to him.

“When was the last time you rode?” Trent asked me.

“Saddle broncs?”

“At all.”

I shrugged. “Ten months ago.”

“About when your daddy died?”

I shrugged again, then watched Jeremy ease down onto a horse in the chute. It bucked in the chute and Jeremy jumped off. He took a deep breath and eased himself back in. He took forever to nod and he didn’t even look set when he finally did. The gate swung open and Jeremy flew off before the horse took one step out of the chute. He caught some good air, but the dirt was soft, so he landed fine and crawled to get out of the way. Everyone laughed and his face turned red.

“Load him up again,” Trent shouted.

Jeremy raised his hands in surrender. “Once is enough for today, Sir.”

“It isn’t for you. It’s for Billy.”

“No thanks, Mr. Roberts,” I said, firm on my decision.

“Get over there before I whup your ass.”

My muscles tightened and my blood rushed, but I fought to sound calm. “I’m retired.”

“Really? Why would one of the best young bull riders out there want to retire?”

“I’ve got responsibilities. I can’t go around getting myself killed.”

He chuckled, not buying it. “You could get killed in your truck. Are you going to retire from driving?”

“I don’t need to ride bulls.”

“You don’t need to, or you don’t want to?” His tone transitioned from good natured ribbing to a serious lecture.

“Both. I don’t have it in me anymore.”

“So, you quit.”

“No. I retired.”

He studied my face as if he was deciding the best approach to take with me. Fully aware that if my dad were around, I wouldn’t have been allowed to stop riding because of a wreck, he challenged me, “You ride that horse and prove you’re not scared, then I’ll let you officially retire.” He shoved my shoulder. “Get.”

“I can’t. My vision still isn’t right from my last injury.”

“That’s no excuse. There are legally blind riders out there.” He glanced sideways at me. “Your daddy used to always say that you came out of your mama with your right arm in the air.”

“Yeah, he told everybody that story. It was a lie and it don’t mean nothing.” The whole ‘make your daddy proud’ angle, wasn’t going to work.

“You were born to ride.”

“There’s more to life, Trent.”

“Seems like a waste of talent.”

I shrugged and turned my head wanting to spit chew juice. Instead, I just stared down at the dirt.

“Are you sure you don’t want to prove to yourself that you can get back in the saddle?”

“I’ve got nothing to prove. I didn’t lose my nerve.”

He nodded, but knew I was full of shit. “If you say so.”

I’d had enough, so I climbed down and walked towards my truck.

Trent shouted at the guys, “Never mind. Get back to work before I fire you all.” His boots hit the ground and the gravel crunched as he followed me. “You want some lunch before you head out?”

“Are you going to try to have a heart to heart about my dad and how I need to get back in the saddle?”

“Hell no. I barely even have heart to hearts with the wife.” He slapped my shoulder. “Come on. I make a pretty good grilled cheese.” His phone rang before we got to the porch, so I waited for him. I didn’t hear the first part of the conversation, but when his tone changed, I started to listen. “Where’d they take her?…I’ll be there as soon as I can.” He hung up. His expression seemed as if he was angry, scared, and upset all at the same time. “I have to go to Edmonton.” He patted his pockets as if he was looking for his keys. He rushed into the house and then a minute later ran back out towards his truck. “Brody!”

Brody stepped out of the barn and pushed his hat back. He took one look at Trent and asked, “What’s wrong?”

“Shae was in a wreck.”

“What?” I said. My hand reached for the porch railing. “Is she okay?”

“I don’t know. I have to meet them at the hospital in Edmonton.” He pointed at Brody. “You need to run things while I’m gone. Call me if you have any problems.” Brody nodded. Trent’s phone rang again. “Okay. Yeah … Okay.” He hung up and looked at me.

“Get in. I’ll drive,” I said as I ran to my truck.

He hopped into the passenger side and made more phone calls as I gunned it down the dirt road. I couldn’t see anything behind us because of the cloud of dust the empty trailer was creating.

“What happened?”

“I don’t know all the details,” he said as he dialled to make another call. “Harley slipped going around the second barrel. Shae was thrown and Harley came down hard on her. The paramedics were treating her as if she had a spinal cord injury.”

“Jesus,” I mumbled and pushed the accelerator to the floor. My hands started to shake and my lungs felt as if Harley landed on me too.