Ravenhill Plays: 1: Shopping and F***ing; Faust is Dead; Handbag; Some Explicit Polaroids (Contemporary Dramatists) (22 page)

Exit
Cardew
.

Prism
     Oh dear. It seems it is rather more difficult to lose a name than you thought.

Augusta
     Take care. Nanny.

Prism
     This must be your last season with any hope of finding a husband, is it not?

Augusta
     What would you know of marriage?

Prism
     I am not very much interested in marriage. At least not while there are novels to be written.

Constance
cries out.

Augusta
     She calls. My poor sister calls.

Exit
Augusta
.
Prism
sits. Opens her bag. Gets out her manuscript. Cradles it like a baby.

Prism
     Yes. Yes. Ssssh. Ssssh.

Under a bridge.

Phil
is fucking
David
.
Phil
pulls away
.

David
     No. Don’t stop. Don’t stop.

Phil
     Fifty quid.

David
     I don’t think I . . . I think you’ve had . . . Luncheon vouchers? AMEX?

Phil
     Gotta be cash.

David
finds some money.

David
     It’s all I’ve got left.

Phil
     . . . Alright then.

He carries on fucking
David
.
David
’s mobile rings
.

You gonna get that?

They continue fucking.

I think you better get it.

David
answers the mobile.

David
     Hello? Oh. Hi. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. What more can I – ? I’m sorry. Well, I’m trying to get awa – yes, at work. Look. I’m sorry. What more can I – ? Fuck you. I’m sorry that I’m busy, okay? I’m sorry I have to work. I’m sorry that life is so fucking complicated. I love you. I love you – Fuck.

(
To
Phil
.) Don’t stop. Don’t stop.

Oh fuck it. Fuck it.

Phil
continues fucking
David
.

David
     My kid’s been born.

More fucking.

Phil
     Yeah?

More fucking.

Boy or a girl?

David
stops. Pushes last-number redial.

David
     Hi. Me. Boy or a girl? Well of course I care. Because . . . because. I care, alright? Boy or a girl? You . . . child. Boy or a girl? He wouldn’t say.

Phil
goes to fuck him again
.

David
     No.

Phil
     You gotta let me finish.

David
     I have to go. I should be there.

Phil
     So. Wham. Bam. Thank you Dad.

David
     I’m sorry.

Phil
     Go on then. Piss off. Piss off. You leave me here.

David
     Haven’t you got a home to go to?

Phil
     No.

David
     Oh.

Phil
     They don’t let me in the hostel. I’m a handful. You look after that kid, alright?

David
     Of course.

Phil
     They’re gonna want someone looking over them. That’s what we all want. And do you know who they’re gonna want looking over them? They’re gonna want you. You gotta be there for them.

David
     Here. My card. Call me.

Phil
     Might do.

David
     Well . . . Whatever.

Phil
     I touch their bumps, you know, women expecting.

David
     Everyone does.

Phil
     But really I want to punch them. You ever want that?

David
     No.

Phil
     Kiss goodbye?

Maternity ward.
Suzanne
sits. Enter
Tom
.

Tom
     He’s on his way. That’s what he said. On his way.

Suzanne
     Then I’m sure.

Tom
     It just makes me so fucking angry. To miss the birth. I wanted us to share that, you know?

Suzanne
     I know.

Enter
Mauretta
, holding baby.

Tom
     What did they say? Is he alright?

Mauretta
     Yes. He’s alright now.

Tom
     But did they check . . . ?

Mauretta
     Yes. The doctor’s had a look and . . .

Tom
     I don’t think that his breathing sounds . . .

Mauretta
     It’s a floppy larynx.

Tom
     So what does that . . . ?

Mauretta
     His larynx is slightly . . . there’s a potential that his larynx may block his breathing.

Suzanne
     Oh God.

Mauretta
     Potentially. But it’s okay. We can cope with it. They’re going to train us how to deal with it.

Tom
     Alright.

Suzanne
kisses
Mauretta
.

Suzanne
     Isn’t she a genius?

Tom
     Yeah.

Suzanne
     My fucking genius.

Beat
.

Mauretta
     They wanted to take him away.

Tom
     Yes?

Mauretta
     Yes. Snatch him away. Stick a little plastic marker on his wrist and shove him in a plastic box.

Tom
     Well, I suppose they know what they’re up to.

Mauretta
     It doesn’t seem natural. When what you want to do is hold on to him.

Tom
     Of course you do.

Mauretta
     You don’t want to let go.

Suzanne
     You need to sleep.

Mauretta
     Bit later.

Tom
     Must be knackered.

Mauretta
     Yeah. And of course they lose them all the time.

Tom
     No.

Mauretta
     Oh yeah. There’s always someone wandering around looking for a baby to grab.

Tom
     Don’t think so.

Mauretta
     Maternity ward. Like a magnet for all those weirdos who want someone else’s baby.

Suzanne
     We’ll stand guard, eh?

Mauretta
     Yeah.

I had this woman on my show. Some girl took her baby. And the hospital had it all on video. The security camera. ‘Could it be someone you know?’ So they showed her the video, but you couldn’t see the face because of course the camera was in the wrong fucking place. ‘I can’t see the face.’ ‘Oh, but there’s a moment when she looks over her shoulder. Put it on freeze frame and you can catch the face.’ But it’s all blurry and you can never quite make it out. She watched it over and over but . . . They found the baby a week later in a dustbin.

Enter
David
, wearing a plastic mask and carrying a bottle of champagne.

David
     ‘Over the hills and far away . . .’

Tom
     Fucking hell.

David
takes off the mask.

David
     Present.

Suzanne
     I don’t think he’s quite ready for that.

David
     It’s a boy?

Suzanne
     Yeah. It’s a boy. Jack.

David
(
looks at baby
)     Who’s a gorgeous boy then?

Tom
     So, that makes it alright, does it?

Suzanne
     Let’s get organised. We need to . . . he’s got a breathing . . . a slight breathing problem. And we need to all be trained. So, let’s organise. . .

Tom
and
Suzanne
get out diaries.
David
gets out an electronic organiser.

Suzanne
     How about tomorrow?

David
     Tomorrow’s bad for me.

Suzanne
     Yes?

David
     Yeah. Manchester tomorrow.

Tom
     You didn’t tell me that.

David
     Course I did.

Tom
     Do you get this?

Mauretta
     Sometimes.

Tom
     I get this all the time.

Mauretta
     We book each other in. Works most of the time.

David
     It’s all a bit manic at the moment.

Tom
     Meaning?

David
     Meaning I’ve got no windows.

Tom
     It’s important. It . . . we all have to bond with him right from the beginning.

David
     Bond. Right.

Tom
     Otherwise he’ll feel closer to. . .

Suzanne
     Mummy and Mummy.

David
     Mummy and Mummy?

Tom
     Exactly. Mummy and Mummy than he does to . . .

David
     Daddy and Daddy?

Tom
     Daddy and Daddy.

David
     Listen, I’m not sure about Daddy and Daddy.

Tom
     No? What then?

David
     Well, you as Daddy obviously –

Tom
     And you’re . . . ?

David
     Uncle.

Tom
     Uncle?

David
     Uncle David. Sounds alright.

Tom
     Uncle David who’s around when it suits him.

David
     No.

Tom
     Uncle David who pops into the nursery for ten minutes when he gets back from the gym.

David
     Look, it was your sperm.

Tom
     Fuck you. Fuck you.

Exit
Tom
.

David
     Fuck. What am I supposed to . . . ?

Mauretta
     He’s upset. He wanted you to be there for the birth.

David
     I was working.

Suzanne
     Yeah?

David
     Yeah.

Mauretta
(
to
Suzanne
)     Managed to drag you away, didn’t we?

Suzanne
     I didn’t need dragging. This girl. She’s so . . . needy.

David
     Must be pleased to have you around.

Suzanne
     Maybe. Yes.

Enter
Tom
.

Suzanne
(
to
Mauretta
)     Come on. Let’s get you both to bed.

Exit
Suzanne
and
Mauretta
.

Tom
     You should have said a long time ago if you don’t want this.

David
     I want it, okay?

Tom
     Sure?

David
     Sure. I just – sometimes I feel like a bit of a tit being called Daddy.

Tom
     Get used to it.

David
     Yeah. I’m happy being a tit. Alright?

He holds up the bottle of champagne.

Drink?

Office
.

Lorraine
is waiting. Enter
Suzanne
.

Lorraine
     Hello.

Suzanne
     Lorraine. This is a surprise.

Lorraine
     Yeah. Hello.

Suzanne
     . . . I’m in the middle of a presentation.

Lorraine
     You left your jumper.

Suzanne
     Did I?

Lorraine
     Yeah. Left your jumper at mine. It’s a nice jumper. I haven’t been wearing it much.

Suzanne
     I have to get back. Look . . . you keep the jumper.

Lorraine
     I can’t do that.

Suzanne
     Course you can.

Lorraine
     No.

Suzanne
     I want you to have it.

Lorraine
     Alright. Thanks.

Suzanne
     And now I have to . . .

Lorraine
     I want to speak to you.

Suzanne
     I’m busy.

Lorraine
     I need to speak to you.

Suzanne
     How about a taxi? Shall we send you back in a taxi? That would be a treat.

Lorraine
     Don’t talk to me like I’m a kid.

Suzanne
     I’m not. I’m just . . .