Ravenhill Plays: 1: Shopping and F***ing; Faust is Dead; Handbag; Some Explicit Polaroids (Contemporary Dramatists) (23 page)

Lorraine
     Yeah. Yeah. Don’t you fucking talk to me like I’m a . . . don’t you patronise me.

Suzanne
     I’m not. I’ve just got to –

Enter
David
.

David
     I’m sorry.

Suzanne
     Lorraine, this is David.

Lorraine
     Hello.

David
     Well of course. I recognised you.

Lorraine
     Yeah?

David
     From your appearances on the television. With the pizza.

Lorraine
bursts into tears.

Suzanne
     Lorraine . . .

Suzanne
is unsure what to do. After a while,
David
puts an arm around
Lorraine
.

David
     Come on, Lorraine.

Lorraine
     She grassed me up.

David
     What? Who grassed you up, Lorraine?

Lorraine
     She did. She did. Suzanne . . .

Suzanne
     What? What?

Lorraine
     She grassed me up.

Suzanne
     Oh come on . . .

David
     What do you mean, Lorraine?

Lorraine
     Told the council that I shouldn’t be living there.

Suzanne
     No.

Lorraine
     Don’t fucking lie. She’s lying.

Suzanne
     Why would I lie, Lorraine?

Lorraine
     You answered the phone. You spoke to them. ‘Maggie? No one here called Maggie.’ Don’t say you didn’t.

Suzanne
     Well maybe I . . .

Lorraine
     Yeah, yeah. And now I’ve lost it. I’ve lost my flat.

David
     Oh dear.

Lorraine
     Because that’s not what you do. They call and they say ‘Maggie’ and I go ‘speaking’ and it’s alright. But she . . . she . . . I’ve lost my flat.

Suzanne
     Oh I’m sorry, Lorraine. I’m sorry.

Lorraine
     Fuck all use sorry is when you’ve got no home.

Suzanne
     But I didn’t know . . .

Lorraine
     No – had to go and answer the phone.

Suzanne
     I didn’t know you were . . . defrauding . . .

Lorraine
     Fuck off . . . fuck off.

David
     Hey. Hey.

Lorraine
     She wanted me to have that flat. My mum wanted me to have that flat.

David
     Of course.

Lorraine
     Just she never put my name on the book. But I’m supposed to be there. You just go ‘speaking’ when they go ‘Maggie’. Alright?

David
     Sure.

Lorraine
     So what’s she gonna do about it?

Suzanne
     I don’t see what I can do about it.

Lorraine
     You must know people. With houses and that.

Suzanne
     Well . . .

Lorraine
     I can get benefit.

Suzanne
     No. No. I wish I could help, I wish there was a way to . . . I really . . . but . . . please, you have to go now. I have to . . .

Lorraine
     You owe me. You fucking owe me.

Suzanne
     I don’t think so.

Lorraine
     Yeah. I let you in. I told you about myself. You were nice.

David
     Come on, Lorraine . . .

Lorraine
     What am I gonna do? Got no mum. Got no home. What am I gonna do?

Pause.

David
     You’ve got a spare room.

Suzanne
     No.

David
     Maybe for a few days . . .

Suzanne
     It’s not a spare room. / It’s a boxroom.

David
     Just for a few days until Lorraine sorts herself out.

Suzanne
     There’s no window.

David
     Still. For a day or so.

Suzanne
     It’s not a good time.

Lorraine
     I don’t mind.

Suzanne
     With the baby just . . . it’s impossible to sleep.

Lorraine
     I don’t mind.

Suzanne
     No.

Lorraine
     No mum. No home.

Lorraine
bangs her head very hard several times.

Suzanne
     Stop. Stop that. Stop her.

David
and
Suzanne
pull her away. A scuffle
.
Lorraine
cries
.
Suzanne
holds her.

Suzanne
     Oh Lorraine. I’m sorry.

Lorraine
     You gonna kiss me?

Suzanne
     Look . . . a couple of days, alright?

Lorraine
     Yeah?

Suzanne
     And that’s it.

Lorraine
     Thank you. I’ll get my stuff.

Suzanne
     Lorraine, this doesn’t mean . . . I don’t want you to rely on me, okay?

Lorraine
     Course.

Exit
Lorraine
.

David
     Wooh. Kooky bitch.

Suzanne
     Don’t call her that.

David
     Miss Kookyfuckingkookybitch. I reckon she’s taken a bit of a shine to you.

Suzanne
     Oh come on.

David
     That’s what I reckon. And I reckon you’ve taken a bit of a shine to Miss Kooky Bitch.

Suzanne
     Lorraine.

David
     Miss Kooky / Bitch Lorraine.

Suzanne
     Sexist cunt.

David
     Oh yeah?

Suzanne
     Yeah. You are a total sexist / fucking cunt.

David
     Love juice Lorraine, / I bet.

Suzanne
     Fuck off.

David
     Oooooh, Lorraine. Pizza? Just wait ’til I scrape off the cheese. / Munchmunchmunch.

Suzanne
     Listen. I’m not the one who missed the birth, who was . . .

David
     Yeah? What? Yeah?

Suzanne
     All I’m saying is there may be a bit of projection going on here. That’s all I’m saying.

David
     Bollocks.

Suzanne
     Because Mauretta and me. Solid as a fucking rock. That’s what I’m saying.

David
     And we’re . . .

Suzanne
     Maybe you’re projecting on to me and / Lorraine because. . .

David
     Listen, me and Tom. Tom / and me. . .

Suzanne
     Bit of a glass houses scenario going on / I reckon.

David
     Bollocks.

Suzanne
     Oh yes? / Oh yes?

David
     Yes actually talking total / bollocks out of your arse that’s what you’re doing. Just because I catch a glimpse . . . just because I have a bit of a laugh about you and the kooky bitch you don’t have to have a go at me, right? You don’t have to get the hump and start crapping on about stuff you know fuck all about. You know what your problem is, do you? Do you? I’ll tell you. You’ve got no sense of humour, zero. Zero. Zero. Nothing. And then you start suggesting crap.

Suzanne
     I don’t think so, I don’t think so. It’s not me with the wandering dick. I mean, it’s not hard to . . . it’s blatant. And then you expect us to just pretend like we haven’t noticed anything. Well, we notice, alright? We notice. We know what you’re like. Somebody should tell Tom. How can Tom not notice what you’re like? That’s what gets me. Does Tom know he lives with a dog with an itchy dick? Does he? Does he? Does he?

Pause.

Why don’t you have her? Why don’t you and Tom . . . ?

David
     Because we’re . . . me and Tom are . . . we’ve decided for a trial . . . we’re going to live apart for a while.

Suzanne
     Oh. I see.

David
     For a while.

Suzanne
     Alright.

Exit
Suzanne
.
Beat. Enter
Lorraine
with bags.
David
pushes past her to exit. Pause. Enter
Phil
.

Lorraine
     Hello.

Phil
     Do you work here?

Lorraine
     Yeah.

Phil
     Right.

Lorraine
     On and off.

Phil
     I’m looking for David.

Lorraine
     He’s in a presentation at the moment.

Phil
     Right.

Lorraine
     But I can take a message.

Phil
     Tell him Phil’s looking for him.

Lorraine
     I’ll just find. . .

Lorraine
looks for pen and paper.

Phil
     I’ve seen you before.

Lorraine
     Yeah?

Phil
     Yeah. On the video. With the tea bags.

Lorraine
     Oh yeah.

Phil
     These your bags?

Lorraine
     Yeah.

Phil
     Got no home?

Lorraine
     Oh yeah, but I’m going to stay with Suzanne. They want me to look after their kid.

Phil
     Like a nanny?

Lorraine
     Yeah. Like a nanny.

Phil
     Thought you worked here.

Lorraine
     Yeah. Well, I work here . . . and I’m a nanny.

Phil
     You’d be good with kids. You’ve got kind eyes.

Lorraine
     Yeah?

Phil
     Kind eyes, kind hands. Some people are just right for taking care of people.

Lorraine
     Yeah.

Phil
     You tell David I’m looking for him, alright?

Lorraine
     Alright.

Phil
     I’ll be seeing more of you.

Bedsit
.

Mobile rings. Enter
David
.
Answers mobile
.

David
     Hello? Oh hi. What time is . . . ? Right. Oh right. Alright. Where have you been? Right. See you in a few minutes.

Exit
David
.
Mobile rings again. Enter
David
putting on trousers. Answers mobile.

David
     Hi. Oh. Hello. Yeah? Well, it’s . . . It’s a bit late. Can’t we . . . ? Well, of course not. No. Why should I have someone here? Where are you . . . ? Yeah?

He goes to window, waves.

Yeah. Alright then. See you in a minute.

He puts down the mobile
.

Fuck.

Exit
David
.
Pause. Doorbell rings. Enter
David
, crosses, comes back in with
Tom
.

Tom
     I thought you might have found somewhere nicer.

David
     It’s alright.

Tom
     More of a bedsit really.

David
     It’s a studio apartment.

Tom
     Same thing.

David
     As a temporary measure.

Tom
     Yeah . . . temporary measure. Listen, I’ve been thinking and well . . . well, actually I’ve been missing you.

David
     Yeah?

Tom
     Yeah. Well, actually I’ve been pretty fucking lost actually.

David
     Can’t live with me . . . ?

Tom
     Can’t live without you. Fucker, eh?

David
     Yeah.

Tom
     So, I just wanted to say . . . with the baby and everything. I think . . . you know, all the plans we had with the baby . . . and it’s going to be difficult, I know that. I mean, I know I’m difficult and you’re . . . well you’re absolutely fucking impossible. But if that’s the way it is then . . . yeah?

David
     . . . Yeah.

Tom
     Because whatever the hassle this has gotta be better than being on your own. Being on your own’s miserable. And I don’t want the kid growing up and you not being around, okay? That doesn’t seem right.

Doorbell rings.

Tom
     Who’s that?

David
     I dunno.

Tom
     Bit late to . . .

David
     Nutters. Yeah, nutters or junkies from the park. Or prostitutes. Pissed prostitutes.

Tom
     Yeah?

David
     Yeah. Happens all the time. Ignore them, they go away.