Ravenhill Plays: 1: Shopping and F***ing; Faust is Dead; Handbag; Some Explicit Polaroids (Contemporary Dramatists) (10 page)

You went out to get chocolate. A week ago.

Chocolate or a cheeseburger from the shop.

So why have you brought him back?

Mark
     Show him where I live.

Robbie
     Been shopping? How did you pay for all that?

Mark
     He paid.

Gary
     Yeah. Paid for everything.

Mark
     Who I lived with.

Robbie
     And here we are. I’m Barney, this is Betty. Pebbles is playing outside somewhere. And you must be Wayne.

Gary
     Wayne? I’m not Wayne. Who’s Wayne?

Lulu
     We’re just eating. Sitting down for a meal. It’s actually very difficult to share them actually because they’re specifically designed as individual portions but I can get an extra plate. Plate. Knife. Whatever.

Mark
     No no no. I don’t think we’re that hungry.

Robbie
     We? We? Listen to that: we.

Mark
     Well, I don’t think we are.

Gary
     Didn’t come round to eat, did we?

Mark
     No, no, we didn’t, no.

Robbie
     You on special offer?

Gary
     You what?

Robbie
     Cheaper than a Twix?

Gary
     He don’t need to pay me.

Robbie
     Really? He will do. He’s got this thing. Has to make it a transaction.

Gary
     Not with me.

Lulu
     It all got a bit messy.

Robbie
     Paid Wayne, didn’t you?

Mark
     Gary, this is Lulu.

Lulu
     Things got out of hand.

Gary
     Some people you just give it away, don’t you?

Lulu
     Let’s sit down, shall we? Let’s all just sit.

They sit
.

Well, look at this mess. If you don’t watch yourself, you just revert, don’t you? To the playground or canteen and suddenly it’s all food fights and mess.

So let’s be adults. Not much but I think I can still . . . a portion. Anyone?

Darling?

Mark
     No.

Robbie
     So – you’re special?

Gary
     He thinks so.

Robbie
     He said that? He told you that?

Mark
     Come on now. Leave him alone.

Gary
     Yes. He said that.

Robbie
     Tell me.

Mark
(
to
Robbie
)     Leave him alone.

Robbie
     I want to know.

Lulu
     Pudding is going to be quite a surprise I can tell you. / I’m really looking forward to pudding.

Robbie
     Tell me what he said to you.

Gary
     He said: I love you.

Mark
     It wasn’t those words.

Gary
     Yeah, yeah. I love you. I’d be lost without you.

Mark
     I never said those words.

Robbie
(
to
Gary
)     You’re lying. Fucking lying.

Robbie
leaps on
Gary
and starts to strangle him
.

Gary
     No. It’s true. Please. ’S true. He loves me.

Mark
     Leave him alone. Get off. Off.

Mark
attacks
Robbie
,
who is attacking
Gary
.

Lulu
tries to protect the ready meals, but most are crushed in the melee
.

Lulu
     Stop it. Stop. Now.

Mark
succeeds in pulling
Robbie
off
Gary
.
The fight subsides.

Gary
     Loony. You’re a fucking headcase, you are.

Lulu
     Come on leave it now leave it.

Gary
     Fucking going for me.

Lulu
     Ssssh . . . quiet . . . quiet.

Long pause
.

Robbie
     ‘I love you.’

Lulu
     Forget it.

Robbie
     That’s what he said you said.

Mark
     I never said – because – look – I don’t.

Exit
Mark
.

Lulu
     Mess. Look at this. Why is everything such a mess?

Lulu
scrapes up as much as she can on to the tray and exits
.
Robbie
and
Gary
regard each other in silence
.

Gary
     He
does
love me. He did say that.

Robbie
     Did he do this thing – ask you to lick his balls while he came?

Gary
     Yeah. Have you . . . ?

Robbie
     Too many times. I’m his boyfriend.

Gary
     He doesn’t do nothing for me, alright?

Robbie
     No? Not your type?

Gary
     He’s too soft.

Pause
.

Do you love him?

Robbie
     Yes.

Pause
.

Gary
     It’s all gentle with him. That’s not what I’m after. Got to find this bloke. I know he’s out there. Just got to find him.

Robbie
     Someone who’s not gentle?

Gary
     Yeah, something strong. Firm, you know.

Robbie
     Yes.

Gary
     You think he’s cruel but really he’s looking out for you. I’m going to be somewhere. I’ll be dancing. Shopping. Whatever. And he’ll fetch me. Take me away.

Robbie
     If he exists.

Gary
     You what?

Robbie
     If he really exists.

Gary
     You saying I’m lying?

Robbie
     I didn’t say that.

I think . . . I think we all need stories, we make up stories so that we can get by.

And I think a long time ago there were big stories. Stories so big you could live your whole life in them. The Powerful Hands of the Gods and Fate. The Journey to Englightenment. The March of Socialism. But they all died or the world grew up or grew senile or forgot them, so now we’re all making up our own stories. Little stories. It comes out in different ways. But we’ve each got one.

Gary
     Yes.

Robbie
     It’s lonely. I understand. But you’re not alone. I could help. I’m offering to help. Where you gonna start? Maybe I know what you’re looking for.

Gary
     A helping hand. What do you wanna do that for?

Robbie
     For a fee.

Gary
     Yeah?

Robbie
     Yeah. Pay me and you’ll get what you want. I’ve got instincts. I know about this other bloke.

Gary
     If I get what I want.

Robbie
     Cash. It’s got to be cash.

Gary
     Course.

Robbie
     You’ve got the money?

Gary
     Yeah. I’ve got the money.

So. What you gonna do? To help me.

Robbie
     We’re gonna play a game.

The flat
.

Mark
,
Gary
,
Lulu
and
Robbie
.

Mark
     Why are we playing this?

Robbie
     Because he wants to.

Mark
     It’s a stupid game.

Robbie
     Your friend. Isn’t that right?

Gary
     Right.

Mark
     Why do you want to play this?

Gary
     In my head, I see this picture, alright?

Lulu
     Yes.

Gary
     Well, like a picture but like a story, you know?

Robbie
     Yes?

Gary
     A sort of story of pictures.

Lulu
     A film?

Gary
     Yeah, story like a film.

Robbie
     With you?

Gary
     Yes.

Lulu
     You’re in the film?

Gary
     Yes.

Robbie
     You’re the hero – ?

Gary
     Well –

Lulu
     You’re the protag – you are the central character of the film?

Gary
     Sort of. Yeah.

Robbie
     Right.

Gary
     So there’s this story, film and I – there’s these stairs.

Pause.

Robbie
     What?

Gary
     No. Look, I don’t want to . . .

Lulu
     You don’t want to –

Gary
     I thought I could but I can’t, alright?

It’s just saying it. Sorry.

Robbie
     So – just wasting our time?

Gary
     I’m sorry.

Robbie
     We should have got the money first.

Lulu
     You’re not going through with this?

Gary
     I don’t know.

Robbie
     He should have paid up front.

Mark
     Paying for . . . ?

Robbie
     Paying to play the game.

Lulu
     So do you want to do this?

Pause
.

Robbie
     Pointless. Wasting our time. I mean, how old are you? What are you? Some kid wasting our time.

Gary
     I’m not a kid.

Robbie
     You don’t know what you want.

Gary
     I know what I want.

Lulu
     So . . . ?

Gary
     It’s just . . . the words. It’s describing it.

Mark
     Alright. Come back to him.

Robbie
     Now, as I’m the judge –

Mark
     Do me. Ask me – truth or dare?

Robbie
     That’s not fair. That’s not in the rules, is it?

Mark
     But if he’s not ready.

Robbie
     Right. A forfeit. Something I’d like you to . . . something by way of punishment.

Mark
     Just leave it, OK?

Gary
     Shit, I don’t want to.

Robbie
(
to
Lulu
)     What do you think would be a suitable punishment?

Mark
(
to
Gary
)     It’s alright. It’s alright.

Gary
     Shit.

Gary
’s tears are close to hysteria
.

Mark
     I’ll do it. We can come back to you.

Now – ask me a question.

Robbie
     No.

Mark
     Come on – ask me a question.

Lulu
     Alright.

Robbie
     It’s cheating.

Lulu
     I know. My question is . . . My question is: who is the most famous person you’ve ever fucked?

Mark
     The most famous person?

Lulu
     The most famous person.

Mark
     Well OK then OK.

Robbie
     If you’re gonna . . . it’s got to be the truth.

Mark
     Yeah, yeah.

Robbie
     Or it doesn’t count.

Mark
     I know.

Lulu
     Come on. The most famous person.

Robbie
     No because last time –

Lulu
     Come on.

Robbie
     No because before.

Lulu
     Let him say it.

Robbie
     You made it up last time.

Mark
     I know, I know.

Robbie
     So what I’m saying is –

Mark
     I know what you’re saying.

Robbie
     I’m saying it’s got to be true.

Mark
     Right.

Beat
.

Robbie
     Right.

Beat
.

Lulu
     Well then –

Mark
     Well then. I’m in Tramps, OK? Tramps or Annabel’s, OK?

Robbie
     Which – ?

Mark
     I can’t remember.

Robbie
     Look, you’ve got to –

Lulu
     Go on.

Mark
     Tramps or Annabel’s or somewhere, OK?

Robbie
     If you don’t know where.