Ravenhill Plays: 1: Shopping and F***ing; Faust is Dead; Handbag; Some Explicit Polaroids (Contemporary Dramatists) (11 page)

Mark
     It doesn’t matter where, OK?

Robbie
     If it’s true then –

Mark
     The place, the name doesn’t matter.

Lulu
     No. It doesn’t matter.

Robbie
     I think you should know –

Mark
     What the fuck does it matter where?

Lulu
     Alright.

Mark
     When what you said was who.

Lulu
     Come on. Who? Who? Who?

Mark
     Tramps or Annabel’s or someplace. Someplace because the place is not of importance, OK? Because the place doesn’t matter. So I’m at this somewhere place –

Robbie
     When?

Mark
     Jesus.

Lulu
     It doesn’t matter.

Robbie
     I want to know when.

Lulu
     Come on, you’re there and –

Robbie
     I want to know when?

Mark
     Sometime. In the past.

Robbie
     The last week past? The last year past? Your childhood past?

Lulu
     The past past.

Mark
     Well I don’t –

Robbie
     Come on –

Lulu
     Why?

Robbie
     Veracity. For the /

Mark
     / alright then alright /

Robbie
     / veracity of it.

Mark
     ’84. ’85. About then. OK?

Robbie
     OK.

Mark
     So I’m in this place – which is maybe Tramps maybe not – and it’s possibly 1985 –

Robbie
     That’s all I wanted to know.

Mark
     I’m having a good time.

Robbie
     Meaning?

Mark
     Meaning a good time. Meaning a time that is good.

Robbie
     Meaning you’ve taken –

Mark
     Meaning I’m having a time that is good.

Robbie
     Because you’ve taken –

Mark
     Not necessarily.

Robbie
     But you had?

Mark
     I don’t know.

Robbie
     Come on. ’84. ’85. You must have been on something.

Mark
     Well yes.

Robbie
     Yes.

Mark
     Probably yes.

Robbie
     Because really when can you say you’re not –

Mark
     What? Go on, what?

Robbie
     When can you say you’re not on something?

Mark
     Now.

Robbie
     Yeah?

Lulu
     Come on. Come on.

Robbie
     You’re sure? Sure that you’re not –

Mark
     Yes.

Lulu
     Let’s – the story.

Mark
     I’m fucking clean, alright?

Lulu
     Come on. ’84. ’85. Tramps. Annabel’s.

Robbie
     Yeah. Right.

Mark
     I mean, what the fuck do I have to – ? I’m clean, OK?

Lulu
     Please. I want to know who.

Mark
     Alright. Just don’t – alright. Tramps. ’84. I’m having a good time.

Robbie
     You’re tripping?

Mark
     No. And I need a piss, yes?

Lulu
     In the toilet?

Mark
     Yes, a piss in the toilet.

Lulu
     This is a toilet story.

Mark
     So, I’m taking my way to the toilet, right? And there’s this woman, OK? This woman is like watching me.

Lulu
     Who? Who? Who?

Mark
     Of course, I should have known then. I should have known who she was.

Lulu
     Who?

Mark
     But I mean I am so –

Robbie
     You’re tripping.

Mark
     No.

Robbie
     You should have known who she was but you’re tripping.

Mark
     Look, I was not tripping.

Robbie
     You didn’t recognise this famous person because you were completely out of it.

Mark
     OK, OK, I was completely out of it.

Lulu
     And you’re on your way to the toilet.

Mark
     Out of it. All I know is that this woman’s eyes are like: give me your veiny bang stick, OK?

Lulu
     Way with words.

Mark
     So I’m pissing. Urinals. I’m pissing in the urinals and in the mirror I can see the door, OK? Well, OK. Pissing and the door opens. Door opens and it’s her.

Lulu
     So you’re what – in the ladies?

Robbie
     Urinals in the ladies?

Mark
     Nope.

Robbie
     So this is the –

Mark
     Urinals in the gents.

Robbie
     So she’s –

Mark
     She’s there in the gents, OK? Standing in the gents watching me piss, OK? And now, we’re in like bright – we’re in fluorescent light I see.

Lulu
     Who? Who? Who?

Mark
     Not yet.

Robbie
     Why not?

Mark
     Because I’m out of it, OK. As you say, I’m on something. I should know who, but I don’t recognise her, OK?

Lulu
     So then bright light and you see . . . ?

Mark
     See what she’s wearing. A uniform. She is wearing a police uniform.

Lulu
     Fuck. Who? Who? Who?

Robbie
     A man’s uniform or – ?

Mark
     WPC. The Docs, the stockings, the jacket. The works. The hat. And she looks me in the eyes –

Gary
     A woman?

Robbie
     You’re pissing?

Mark
     Looks me in the eyes by way of the mirror, OK?

Robbie
     OK, OK.

Gary
     You did it with a woman?

Mark
     She looks, she, she, she cruises me and then goes into one of the cubicles but looking at me all the time, you know? Goes into one of the cubicles and leaves the door ajar. I want to race right in there, you know? Get down to it but, like you do, I count to ten. Count to ten and then like coolly walk past. And as I walk past I take a cool glance to my left, cool look into the cubicle, cubicle with the door ajar and – wow.

Lulu
     Wow?

Mark
     Wow? The skirt is up around the waist. The skirt is up and the knickers are off or maybe she never had knickers – who knows? – but the skirt is up and she is like displaying this beautiful, come and get it snatch to die for, OK?

Gary
     Said you didn’t go for women.

Robbie
     Facing / you?

Lulu
     Who is it?

Mark
     So I’m in there. I’m in and I kneel. I pay worship. My tongue is worshipping that pussy like it’s God. And that’s when she speaks. Speaks and I know who she is.

Lulu
     Who?

Mark
     She says ‘Oh yah. Chocks away.’

Lulu
     No.

Robbie
     What?

Gary
     Is this a woman?

Lulu
     No – it can’t be.

Robbie
     I told you.

Lulu
     That is fucking unbelievable.

Robbie
     Yes, yes it is.

Lulu
     What? Fergie?

Mark
     Yup. Fergie.

Lulu
     Fucking hell.

Mark
     I recognise the voice. Get a look at the face. It’s her.

Robbie
     Come on –

Mark
     Fergie is like ‘chocks away’. Fergie is right down to it. Fergie is ready to swallow anything, you know? I mean, any chocks there might have been have been chocked away. So a couple of minutes later, I’m there and Fergie is fellating. It’s gobbledeygobble up against the cistern.

Robbie
     Nobody believes this. How can you believe this?

Mark
     Gobbledeygobble and the door, door to the cubicle starts to open.

Robbie
     This is ridiculous.

Mark
     I haven’t locked the door, you see.

Robbie
     We said the truth. It had to be the truth.

Mark
     Rule number one. Always lock the door.

Robbie
     No one believes this.

Mark
     Door opens and there’s another woman. Yes. There’s a second woman. Another policewoman like squeezes her way in.

Robbie
     Shut up.

Mark
     With blonde hair.

Robbie
     SHUT UP. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Pause
.

Mark
     What? What I thought you wanted to know . . .

Robbie
     The truth.

Mark
     Which is what . . .

Robbie
     No.

(
To
Lulu
.) Do you believe him?

(
To
Gary
.) Do you?

Pause
.

Rule number one. Never believe a junkie.

Because a junkie is a cunt. And when a junkie looks you in the eyes and says ‘I love you’ that’s when you know he’s gonna fill you full of shit.

Pause
.

Gary
     Why didn’t you tell me you’d done it with a woman?

Robbie
(
to
Gary
)     Back to you.

Gary
     Alright.

Robbie
     It’s your turn now.

Mark
     You don’t have to –

Gary
     I want to.

Lulu
     We’ll help you.

Gary
     Yeah?

Lulu
     Help you find the words.

Robbie
     Alright then. Alright. Your story. Your film, yeah?

Gary
     Yeah.

Robbie
     I think I know what it is. I see. I understand.

Gary
     Yeah.

Robbie
     Yes. These pictures in your head.

So if I help – yes? If I can help you to describe the pictures then –

Gary
     Yes.

Robbie
     Alright. Alright. There’s you yes and you’re. I see you . . . there’s music yes?

Gary
     Music. Yes.

Robbie
     Loud music. Dum dum dum. Like / techno.

Gary
     Techno music. Yes.

Robbie
     Techno music and you’re moving like – you’re dancing yes?

Gary
     Dancing.

Robbie
     Dancing on a dance floor. Dance floor in a club.

Gary
     Yes. Yes. A club.

Robbie
     And you’re dancing with this bloke.

Gary
     No. Not like that. He’s just there.

Robbie
     Dancing by yourself. But now . . .

Gary
     Watching.

Robbie
     Bloke who’s watching you.

Gary
     I’m dancing.

Lulu
     He’s watching.

Gary
     Yeah. Watching me.

Lulu
     And you smile.

Gary
     No. No smile.

Robbie
     But you know, you think: you don’t have a choice.

Lulu
     No control.

Gary
     No control.

Robbie
     Because he’s . . .

Lulu
     Because he’s . . .

Gary
     Because he’s gonna / take me away.

Robbie
     Have you. I’m going to have you.

Lulu
     He’s going to have you.

Mark
     Come on, leave –

Robbie
     No.

Mark
     This is – it’s getting heavy.

Gary
     No.

Robbie
     We’re getting to the truth.

Gary
     I want to do it.

Lulu
     Now there’s another – a fat bloke.

Gary
     Yes? A fat bloke?

Lulu
     Fat bloke who owns you.

Gary
     I didn’t know about him.

Lulu
     Owns you but doesn’t want you.

And the fat blokes says:

See that one dancing?

Robbie
     Yeah. Yeah. I see him.