Real Ultimate Power (2 page)

You might be asking yourself why you should learn about ninjas when there are so many other things to learn about. Personally, I don't understand that question. Ninjas are so awesome. And in case you you've been stuck in the house for the past ten years, ninjas are deadly assassins. For example, they would dress up like a salesman to get into your house and, while they're pretending to sell you something, they would look for holes and cracks to climb into. So then, at night, they would come back and murder you. Most ninjas are in Asian countries, but you can find them just about anywhere. Ninjas have weapons, like ninja stars and the ninja sword.

Ninjas can kill
anyone they want!
They cut off heads ALL the time and don't even think twice about it! These guys are so crazy and awesome that they flip out ALL the time. I heard that there was this ninja who was eating at a diner. And when some dude dropped a spoon, the ninja killed the whole town. And my friend Mark said that he saw a ninja totally uppercut some kid just because the kid opened a window. And that's what I call REAL Ultimate Power!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you don't believe that ninjas have REAL Ultimate Power, you better get a life right now or they will chop your head off!!! It's an easy choice, if you ask me. Ninjas are fast, smooth, cool, strong, talented, powerful, and sweet. I love them with all of my body, including my pee-pee.

B
efore we get into the science of ninjas, you need to get pumped, really really pumped. I get my dog, Francine, pretty pumped by telling her stories about ninjas. So I wrote three short movie scripts (by myself) to get your blood hot and crazy. The first film,
Ninja, Please,
introduces the ways of the ninja. The second film,
Ninja Babe,
is sexual. And the last film,
The Ultimate Battle,
introduces the ninja's stupidest opponent. Hopefully, you'll enjoy them as much as I like looking at naked ladies.

I
bet you're pretty pumped right now, because I know I am. But you also might be thinking that ninjas don't exist and those scripts were just magical fantasies, but you're wrong and stupid, if you ask me. Here's absolute proof of that they really do exist.

Though you never know when somebody is a frigg'n liar, I think my best friend Mark's stories are true. One night, I slept over at his house and he told me that for the last week a ninja was hanging out in his backyard, behind the shed. I was like, “Yeah, right.” So we waited until Mark's parents went to bed to check out the ninja. We sneaked out without making too much noise and the night air was intense. And to tell you the truth, I had never been that pumped before in my life. We didn't think we'd make it to the shed alive, but we did. Mark almost died from the jogging—so we rested in front of the shed for a while. But out of nowhere, we heard this huge BANG behind the shed. Mark was like, “Holy CRAP!” and a little piece of poop seeped out of my butthole. Then we frigg'n booked back towards Mark's house. I was so pumped and excited that I jumped right through the living room window and cut my legs and arm. Mark's parents flew out of bed screaming and yelling. Mark got an erection and got grounded, and I got sent home. But I didn't care about any of that crap, because I knew right then that Mark was telling the truth—ninjas exist.

So if you don't believe that ninjas exist, you might get your ass beat and/or killed! If some book says that ninjas don't exist and you believe it, then you're
⁵
a
⁶
moron.
⁷

N
ow that you know that ninjas really do exist, you can shut your mouth. In this chapter, we will learn about the REAL ninja, not the cartoon kind who kills only when they have to. Let's begin with the facts.

 

1. Ninjas are mammals
.
⁸
Ninjas are hot-blooded hairy animals who don't lay eggs. They live in the woods or in dojos or in houses like you and me. They graze. Baby ninjas eat blood-milk. Basically, their mating season is whenever they want, which is awesome.
⁹

 

2. Ninjas fight ALL the time.
Ninja
means
“fight”
in German and Mexican. It is the ninja's nature to always fight. If they stop fighting, they start to lose power or energy, and I don't want that to ever happen.

 

3. The purpose of the Ninja is to flip out and kill people.
Think about the time that you got so pumped you couldn't believe it. Now, multiply that times about a billion. That's how pumped a ninja is ALL THE TIME. If a regular person ever got that pumped, they'd have to take Ritalin or something.
¹⁰
But the bottom line is that ninjas basically exist to kill morons who can't keep their mouths shut. (That might mean you.)

 

4. Ninjas hang out in dojos (a lot).
Dojos are kinda like bars where ninjas go to relax and/or meet babes. You can do anything you want at the dojo. If you want to eat a whole pizza by yourself, go ahead. Or if you just want to goof around, no problem. I saw one dojo in a magazine where they had drinking fountains of pop—that's great, if you ask me.

5. Ninjas hang out with other ninjas or, as Mom says, only with “really down-to-earth kids.”
But she's full of BULLCRAP! Ninjas hang out with the sweetest of people. Throughout the ages, ninjas have hung out with kings, popes, jesters, boxers, vampires, and geniuses. But most of the time, ninjas just hang out with their clan, which is a bunch of buddies who either live in the same neighborhood or whose moms know each other.

B
ecause there's just so much to know about ninjas, I could speak about them all day, but I won't. Nevertheless, kids in my neighborhood ask me a lot of questions about ninjas, AND THEY'RE ALWAYS THE SAME ONES, which makes me think that you might be asking yourself the same questions too. I'm going to deal with this crap right now.

 

A: Ninjas are the ultimate paradox. On the one hand they don't give a crap, but on the other hand, ninjas are very careful
¹¹
and
¹²
precise.
¹³

 

A: Whoever told you that is a total liar. Just like other mammals, ninjas can be mean OR totally awesome.

 

A: Most of their free time is spent flying, but sometimes they stab. (Ask Mark if you don't believe me.)

 

A: It's not because they're ninjas or anything. I think it's because my dad probably isn't my real dad. You see, I sometimes think that a ninja secretly had vaginal sex with my mom so that he would be my real father. In fact, it has to be true, because I feel it in my heart. My real father, the ninja, may be traveling all over the world killing people whenever he wants, fighting everyday, going berserk and/or flipping out. What would he do if he could see me now? Dear Dad, do you think of me when you're flipping out and killing trillions of people? Do you pop boners about having a son? When are we going to hang out, Dad? That would be crazy if we both had a psychic connection and always popped boners at the exact same time. That would explain a lot, I think.

 

A: It is one of their strongest/hottest weapons. See the weapons section, later on.

 

A: Well, it's just me and Mom at home all day, and she told me that she got menopause because I talk about “those fucking ninjas all the fucking time.” She says that if I go near her, I'll catch menopause, too! And I don't need that kind of stuff
¹⁴
in
¹⁵
my
¹⁶
life.
¹⁷

 

A: I am a ninja-in-waiting and have been chosen, I think, to be a real ninja when I'm big enough.

 

A: Let me ask you this: How would you like to die this afternoon? I'll smoke your entire life like a cigar or pipe! I'll cut your face in half!