Reasons I Fell for the Funny Fat Friend

REASONS I FELL FOR THE FUNNY FAT FRIEND

By

Becca Ann

Dedicated to everyone who knows the importance of laughter, and counts it as their workout for the day.

COPYRIGHT

All rights reserved.

Printed in the United States of America.

No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any form
or by any means electronic or mechanical, including
photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and
retrieval systems, without prior written permission of the
author except where permitted by law.

Published by

Becca Ann

Copyright January 2013

Cover Photo by Lucky Business courtesy of Shutterstock

The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious.

Any similarity to real persons, living or dead is coincidental

and not intended by the author.

Reason 1:
You know how to sign the word ‘b
alls’

More than half the time, girls who think they’re fat really aren’t. They’re just fatter than the skinniest chick in school. And even that girl thinks she’s fat. So when H
ayley, my signing partner in American Sign Language
shrugs off Josh moo-ing at her as she walks in the room,
that’s when I figure this girl…
i
sn’t like most girls.

Fact is, Hayley isn’t
really
fat. She’s… I dunno. Not fat. The girls who talk about bein’ fat look that way ‘cause they wear clothes that don’t fit. Like that’s goin’ to impress us guys somehow. But the muffin t
op is not hot
.

Hayl
ey doesn’t have a muffin top ‘c
ause she wears pants that are her size. So the moo-ing and other douch
baggery doesn’t make sense
.

Maybe it’s ‘c
ause I’m not that kind of guy. B
ut whatever.

She plops in the s
eat next to me,
popping her gum and twisting the
brown curls hanging from her ponytail.
We don’t talk much. Just sign, and if she was showin’ the slightest bit of ‘woe is me’ from Josh’s comment, I
’d probably say somethin’. B
ut she’s not so I don’t feel like an ass for keepin’ my mouth shut. That, and I’m waiting for someone else to walk through that door.

Quynn.

It sucks wanting someone you can’t have. And Quynn is definitely a ‘don’t go there’.  She’s my brother’s ex. There’s some kind of code for that shit, but that’s not what’s stoppin’ me. Gabe’s a cheating douche, so not sure if I’d feel too guilty about goin’ after his ex-girl. It’s Quynn. Every time we get together it’s just… weird. Like she think
s I’m her brother. So yeah
, sort
of takes her off any list I have
of girls I’ll probably get to see naked.  Not like there’s a long list or anything.

The room is too hot.
All the sweat makes
my clothes stick to my balls.
Man, if Quynn walks in right when I adjust myself, I may as well sniff my hand afterward too, since that’s how attractive I’ll look.

Okay
,
Brody, be quick about it.  Be cool.
How
do you look cool when you scratch yourself?
She’s still not here. Do it now!  It’s driving you crazy!

One quick glance around the room and a shift later, nuts are in the right place and
no one seems to have noticed.
What a big deal over nothin’.

“All right
,” Ms. Stevens says as she turns around. “It’s silent time, now. Only communicate through sign.  I’ll be walking around to check on each of you.”

She starts weaving through the desks, and finally, Quynn walks through the door. She opens her mouth to apologize, but Ms. Stevens puts a finger to her lips and motions for Quynn to take a seat. She throws me a grin and a wave as she crosses the room. Her body looks kick-ass even in a hoodie and jeans. I’ve only seen her in something else a few times, and that was when she was in a
Prom dress—worst day of my life
since I caught her and douchebag brother
goin’ at it in the parkin’ lot. A
nd when she came to school once,
once,
in a skirt that showed off a pair of the sexiest legs I’ve ever seen.  I know I wasn’t the only one who wasn’t able to concentrate that day.

A light tap on my shoulder jerks my attention to Hayley. That’s right, we’re supposed to be doin’ an assignment or somethin’. She smiles and starts signing.

You okay? You seem…
I don’t catch the rest.
She’s real good.

Sorry, go slower.

She smiles wider and emphasizes each movement.

You seem in a D-A-Z-E.

Or just slobbering over th
e goddess that just walked in.
Same dif.

I’m fine.
As fine as I ever am.

Well, what did you…
bunch of
gibberish
.

Man, I wish I was as good as she was.

S-L-O-W!

She giggles which gets a
shhh!
from Ms. Stevens.

Sorry.
Hayley blushes and turns back to me and signs so slow, her hand bounces up and down. 
What do
you want to talk about for the hour? I really don’t want another lecture over my lack of taste in music.
She rolls her eyes so I catch the sarcasm.

N
o educating you then.
I run my hand over my buzzed head before continuing.
How about movies this time?

She scrunches her nose.
I don’t see many movies.

I swear this girl lives under a rock.
Why not?

Her face goes red again, and I wonder if I overstepped a line or something. She blushes over movies but not the moo-ing? Yeah, I don’t get girls at all.

Sorry, did I butt in?

She flushes deeper. Dude, what’s wrong with her? Movies I guess are out.
She looks around and waves me in closer
,
so her signs can only be seen under our desks.

It’s no big deal or anything, but…
more
gibberish
.

I grunt
and stop her hands with mine.
They feel kinda warm and she jerks away, going so red I don’t think there’s any blood in any part of her body but her face right now.

Slow, please.
Maybe adding the magic word will stop her from acting so weird.

Sorry.
I was
saying, I don’t see a lot of movies ‘cause I don’t go out much.

W
hy is that such a big deal? I wait for her to go on, but she sits straight up and starts signing so fast I’m pretty sure she’s not saying anything at all.

I start for her hands again, then I get it. Ms. Stevens has a very distinct smell. I’m almost chokin’ on the flowers wrapped in bacon stench coming from behind m
e. I glance at our teacher whose
lips are pursed as she signs,
Are you going to answer her, Brody?

Whoops. Hayley was way too fast for me to keep up. I lock gazes with my signing partner
,
and she re-signs the question.

So, who would it be? Jessica Alba or Scarlett Johansson?

Okay, if she’s asking about Invisible Woman vs. Black Widow, then I know the answer, but if she’s asking who’s hot
ter, how
am I supposed to answer that with Quynn lookin’ at me from across the room?

Scarlett, I guess.
My hands won’t stop shaking, so that’s all I say.  Ms. Stevens waves in front of my face.

Work on your ‘S’s.
She leaves, but not without me goin’ as red as Hayley was just a few seconds ago.

Hayley clears her throat. Oh right. We were in the middle of something.

Sorry.
We were tal
king about not going to movies.
Then you pull two actresses out of your butt.

We both stifle our laughter. I
sorta
like it when girls think I’m funny.
Does weird things to my stomach, but in a good way
.

S
o like I was sayi
ng, I don’t get to go out much.
You know, because I’m just not one of those girls.

No, I don’t know.
I don’t have the secret handbook that lets me know everything.
Girls that like to see movies?
I chuckle and she chuckles.

No. Like I’m not…
She stops
and does a mock thinking face. It’s kinda cute.
I don’t get asked out a lot.
She signs it fast, but I catch it.

How do I respond to that?
It’s not like we’re best buds, and that’s a pretty big thing
to admit for a girl.
Man
, even for a guy
,
it’s hard to admit. Why is she telling me?

You have friends though, right?
I attempt a smile.

She nods.
They’ve all got boyfriends. Sitting in a theater with a bunch of people making out around me? No thanks.

She
attempts a smile.
I wonder if I look as half-hearted as she does.

Yeah. I get that.
Boy do I get that. I was Mr. Thir
d Wheel
around my brother.

It slaps balls.

I bark out laughing.
Did she really sign tha
t
,
or did I interpret it wrong?
But she’s laughin’ too
,
and everyone’s looking at us.

“Do I need to separate you two?
” Ms. Stevens asks, lips in such a
tight line I wonder if it actually came from her mouth.

“Sorry.
I’ll try not to tell jokes anymore since Brody can’t find a volume control on his laugh.”

I laugh again, proving her point, but not much I can do about it
since it’s already out there.
Quynn giggles across the room
,
and even though I’m gettin’ a big fat ‘see me after class’ look
from the teacher
, it was worth it.

“I’ll see
you
tomorrow,” Hayley sa
ys
after the bell rings.
She scoops up her book and throws her bag over her shoulder, smacking me in the face.

“Whoops! S
orry.”

I shove her bag
out of my way and give her the
not-so-seri
ous-mad
look.  She laughs
and waves, knocking other people over as she makes her way to the door with her over-crowded backpack.

Maybe she doesn’t live under a rock, but a pile of homework.

“Brody?”

I force m
yself to look at Quynn slowly.
If I whip around too fast, I’ll look like I’ve been waiting for
her to say my name like that. Which I have, but still.
Be cool.

“Yeah?”

“Do you have a sec? I need to ask you something.”

Why
does she make me nervous? We used t
o hang out all the time before…
well before Gabe ban
ged another girl
.

“
Yeah
.”

Instead of letting me stand, she perches her sexy form on the top of my desk, which leaves me eye level with her chest.

Oh dude.

She smells l
ike spicy apple. I know
exactly what lotion she wears
, because I’m that pathetic
. She watches everyone leave the room with a big smile on her face.
Damn
that smile. Her eyes flick to me and everythin’ shifts below the belt. Am I ogling? Or drooling?

I hear the door click, leavin’ us alo
ne. Guess Ms. Stevens wants
out of here. “Kay, so I’ve got a huge favor to ask you.”

Look up, look up. Her eyes are just a few more inches up.

“Okay.”

She reaches into her pocket.
Her snug pocket.
Look up.

“Could y
ou give this back to Mom?
I mean… your mom?”

It
takes me a minute to process.
And to look away from
the sudden hurt in her face.
Qu
ynn was tighter
with their boyfriend’s mom
more than I’ve ever seen someone else be
.  When I finally get a grip, I notice the bracelet Mom gave her dangling between her fingers.

“Why?” I drag the word out and fold my arms.

“Don’t make me smack you, Bro.
You know why.”

I hate that nickname because of the stupid double-meaning. Is she calling me Bro ‘cause she still thinks of me as her brother? Well, that’s not a far
reach, since she just called my mother
, Mom.

“She won’t take it back.
And I’m not goin’ to let you give it back either.”

Her puff of breath nearly knocks me
over with how good she smells. “Please, Bro.
I know it was expensive
,
and I just don’t feel right about keeping it.”

I shake my head.
She’s got to be kiddin’ me.
I’m not going to get sucked into the drama more than I already have.