Reckless Fear (The Black Vipers #1) (6 page)

“When I finally figured out you were gone, I died inside. You have no idea the Hell I had to endure after you left.”

“Sasha.”

“What?” she snapped.

“I’m here now and I’m not leaving without you.”

Her mouth dropped open, a disgusted look crossing her face.

“Are you for real? Have you had some sort of head trauma? Because I think I’ve made it pretty clear I don’t want you.”

“It doesn't matter. I will change your mind, or die trying.”

“Then you’re a dead man,” she said, shaking her head and walking toward the door.

“I have nothing to lose but time,” I yelled after her. “Whenever you’re ready, I’ll be here.”

The steam from my bathwater billowed up, filling the room and fogging the mirrors. I lay perfectly still, staring at the ceiling, praying for something. Clarity maybe?

I wasn't sure if I wanted him to be gone, or take me in his arms and make good on the promises of a lifetime ago.

My head was a mess and I knew sleep was nothing but wishful thinking. My body still hummed with the excitement of being near him.

He knew who I was. He remembered me.

My chest constricted painfully, as the reality of what I’d done slammed into me for the hundredth time.

I had admitted who I was. A tear slid down my cheek.

My weakness had put everyone I loved in danger because I couldn't move past my emotional trauma.

I knew being around him would be a struggle the second I touched his hand. But I had no choice. I couldn't give Nancy any reason to be suspicious. If she thought for one second I wasn’t who she believed me to be, her first call would be to Pops. If that happened, I might as well take all the security precautions I’d worked so hard surrounding myself with, and throw them out the hospital window if she made that call.

Seeing Ben again made years of emotional damage drop on me like a bag filled with skeletons from my closet.  Memories flooded my mind, drowning me with all the vivid details.

“You stupid little whore!” my father screamed as his calloused hand connected with my cheek.

I collapsed onto the wooden floor, my vision darkening around the edges. The intense pain in my jaw was the only thing keeping me conscious.

“No, please!” Mom begged as she grabbed at his arm. He spun around on her, swinging.

“This is your fault, Hope. You raised her to be just like you. A fucking junkie slut who opens her legs to the first guy who looks at her.”

He punched her in the stomach and she fell to the floor, eyes bulging as she gasped for air. Our eyes met for a brief second from across the room and tears spilled over as she tried to apologize without words. I knew there was no one who would save me, and she did too. Her eyes told me to prepare myself.

I shook as my entire body flooded with terror.

He turned back toward me and her eyes glazed over, removing emotion from the situation like I’d seen her do so many times before.

My dad grabbed me by the hair and pulled me to his chest. Somewhere in the background, I heard the click of the door shutting as my mom left.

“You are just like your mother, worthless trash.”

He pushed me up against the wall, wrapping his large hand around my neck. My toes dangled and kicked frantically trying to leverage my weight. I grabbed and clawed at his wrist, desperate for another breath.

The veins in his forehead popped out, fury rolling off him in waves. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done? How weak you’ve made me look?”

He threw me to the floor once again. I pulled my knees up, curling into a ball and protecting the only thing in my life that had ever been good.

“Who the fuck is going to want you now? I made a deal. You and your fucking virginity, Sasha. You fucking knew what the conditions were.”

He paced in front of me. My chest heaved in and out as I coughed against the swelling in my throat.

My fingernails dug into the floor as I reached out, pulling myself toward the door. It was useless but I had to show him I wasn't giving up. I would never roll over and take the beatings like mom did.

“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” He grabbed me by the ankle, pulling me back toward him.

I fought against him, digging at the floor until my nails were broken and bloody. He picked me up and threw me onto the bed. I thrashed and kicked, trying with every ounce of strength I had to get away from him. He pinned me down, straddling me while restraining my hands.

“Who was he? I’ll have him skinned alive!”

I shut my eyes as tightly as I could, remembering Ben’s face, his hands, the way he’d held me.

“Who?” he demanded.

I had kept my secret until physically there was no way to hide it. I was angry at Ben for using me the way he had, but there would be a part of me always thankful for the night we’d spent together. I felt the little flutter of life in my lower abdomen and held on to the sensation, tucking it deeply into my heart.

I would make it through whatever Dad did to me. Escape was so close, maybe no more than a week and I would be gone from here. I wasn't sure how he’d found out about the baby but leaving had just gotten much more complicated.

But I was determined, and no one could take from me what Ben had given.

He’d given me life. Not only in the form of the child growing inside of me, but the drive to escape my own life and start over. Start something better.

“I swear to fuck, if you don’t tell me who did this to you, I will unleash a beating from hell you will never forget.”

I opened my eyes, finding his. And this time, I didn't back down.

”Fuck. You.” I spat out.

He hadn't lied. The beating was brutal and I could never have foreseen the depth of darkness he would sink into.

My eyes fluttered open several days later, my body screaming in agony. Every inch of me was bruised and sore.

The room was unfamiliar. A small, dark place with no windows. My heart rate spiked as fear pulsed through my veins. My naked body had been thrown onto a bed like discarded trash. A searing pain shot into my skull when I tried to move my head and my stomach rolled making me gag on bile as I reacted to the intense pain.

I tried to roll to the side but the seeping wounds on my back stuck to the sheet. I cautiously reached around, hissing when my fingertips touched the marred skin. My back burned from the open wounds that would become my cross to bear. A constant reminder of what I’d endured.

But it was not the pain in my head or the burning on my back that broke my spirit, it was the constant trickle of blood running from between my legs.

I grabbed my stomach, frantically trying to reassure myself life still remained and my baby was still safely inside of me. I reached between my legs, lifting shaky, blood covered fingers. My heart shredded in agony, my body shaking uncontrollably.

A guttural scream echoed around the room over and over. Moments passed before I realized it was me making the sound. It was primal and raw. The kind of sound made when there’s no hope for repairing the damage.

I curled in around myself, trying to ease the crushing pain in my chest.

“Why!” I screamed, “Why?”

My father had violated my body. He removed the love of my life and threw us both away, taking my child’s life and leaving me with a hollow soul.

I closed my eyes, rolling back and forth in the bed and talking through hiccupping sobs to my lost child in my head.

“I’m so sorry little one. I’m so sorry I didn’t protect you. I love you. I love you so much.”

I shivered, realizing the water had run from hot to cold. I lifted my hand out of the water, examining the shriveled skin.

He’d come back. Not really for me because it was just a dirty twist of fate that he ended up in my hospital. But he had come back into my life for a reason.

My heart ached. I wanted to let him back in, to share everything with him. I just couldn’t, for the life of me, figure out why.

Was it because in some sort of fucked up way, he was a connection to my child? A child I had wanted so badly and longed for every day?

Maybe I wanted to prove to him I was good enough and he had made a mistake by leaving us.

Maybe it was to finally have someone to share the pain and suffering with. Someone who could understand what I sacrificed and endured.

The water sloshed over the sides of the tub as I forced myself to sit up. I splashed my face with the cold water and grabbed my towel.

Stepping onto the tile floor, I caught my reflection in the mirror.

No, I couldn't allow Tight back into my life. He was the cause of so much pain already. I couldn't protect our child but I would protect the people left who I love dearly.

I wouldn’t let Tight put any more of my family in harm’s way, even if he had no idea he was doing it.

I filled my lungs with a deep breath, deciding tonight I would begin the once again painful separation from him.

Walking away would not be easy, but it was necessary for me, for my family, and for the memory of the child we’d made together.

Leaning my weight against the sink, I tried to come up with a plan. If I just disappeared, I had no doubt, he would come looking for me this time. My heart skipped a beat, knowing he had spoken the truth when he said he would die trying to get me back.

He was right, he was a man now. A powerful man with powerful friends, and I couldn't have him going around digging up information on me. I needed to be level-headed about this and figure out the best way to approach him.

Anger fueled him. It’s what he relied on to survive. Being hateful toward him would only make this a game for him.

Tonight I would be nice, cordial even. He had to trust me. Maybe if I was calm he would listen when I planted little seeds of doubt about us. I needed him to come to the conclusion he really didn't want me and shouldn't hold onto this silly childhood obsession.

Without thinking, my hand settled over my stomach and I flinched. The images of my marked back slammed into the forefront of my mind and tears spilled over as I closed my eyelids tightly. I pushed the back of my hand against my mouth, holding in a sob.

The number of reasons he wouldn't want me were limitless. The number of reasons I couldn’t have him were the same.

I just wished my heart would understand.

“So now I’m a fucking idiot, waiting around like a little girl until she comes back for her next shift. I don't know what to say, because I’ve already pissed her off by just, I don’t know, just being alive I guess.”  I threw my head back against the pillow propped behind me. “Honestly, I just don’t know what to do.”

An uncomfortably long silence filled the room. I looked down at my phone, waiting for Grandma Lil to grace me with some advice.

It was so unlike me to be talking about some chick and even worse, I was begging an eighty year old woman for advice. I could kiss my man card goodbye for sure.

Sasha pushed me so far outside of my comfort zone I couldn't even see the damn thing anymore. I might be a mean mother fucker, but I also knew when I was in over my head. This girl had me spinning with no idea how to stop.

I’d barely slept all night, waiting for her to come back into my room. When I couldn't stand it anymore, I pushed the nurse button. A nice but very “not Sasha” nurse aid came in and offered to help me to the pisser. The message was loud and clear, she didn’t want to see me.

During rounds this morning, the Doc talked about possibly discharging me tomorrow morning so I needed to work fast. One more night shift was all the time I had left to convince her I was worth the risk. Leaving without her wasn’t even an option.

“Well,” Grandma Lil said slowly, “for starters take that fucking hospital issued pajama top off. Good Lord, Child. Do you honestly think you can make this girl want you when you look like you stepped off the pages of a JC Penny catalog?”

I glanced down at my white and blue striped chest as my ego took a big hit from Gram, realizing she was right. I’d probably never looked as un-sexy as I did right now, but what the fuck did I know about being sexy? I’ve never needed to pursue a woman before. I like it, I fuck it. It was as simple as that. That’s how my life worked, until Sasha.

“Show her what she’s missing and stop apologizing. She knows you’re sorry. Stop trying to make up for the past. You fucked up bad.”

“Yeah, you did,” Stash voiced his opinion from somewhere else in her room, obviously overhearing our entire Facetime conversation.

“Shut up, when was the last time you had a woman you wanted around for longer than a minute?” she barked at him, then continued with me.

“People mess up all the time. But now it’s time to claim her.”

I rubbed my forehead, “That’s the problem, she doesn't want me.”

“Of course she does,” she said.

“She doesn't, she said so.”

“I don’t give a shit what she says, how could she not want you? Stop talking to her and start showing her how badly you want her.”

I paused, looking around the room, trying to figure out exactly what she was getting at. I was more confused now than when the conversation started.

“What do you mean?”

Her mouth fell open, eyes as big as saucers, “Are you kidding? Tight, are we are going to have a little talk about how babies are made?”

“NO,” Stash and I protested in unison.

“Okay then, stop being such a pussy. You’ve apologized, told her what your intentions are and now it’s time to put everything into action. Show her there’s no way she can resist you. You’re a damn Black Viper.” She lifted her chin, smiling as she winked at me. “Start acting like one.”

I chuckled at her. She was the only person in the world who could get away with talking to me like that. Plus, I was still confused and if I got mad she would tell me to piss off and figure it out on my own.

I held up one finger, “Just to clarify, you mean it’s time to turn on the charm and show her a man she can’t resist?”

She wrinkled her nose a bit, looking at me like I might possibly be the stupidest person she knew.

“Well, I guess whatever floats your boat, but I always liked it when Gramps would grab me, throw me on the bed and rip my…”

“Holy shit, enough Gram.” Stash grabbed the phone from her, his face green from what he’d almost heard come out of her mouth.

She cackled in the background, obviously pleased with how upset he was.

“Just do what you gotta do man. If she means this much to you, stop being such a pansy ass.”

I nodded my head, running a hand over my face knowing it was a long road ahead of me. Sasha wouldn’t be easily convinced.

“I’m here dude. Not liking the idea of one of my wingmen being all tied down, but I get it. She’s fucking hot.”

My heart froze for a beat. “I’m going to rip your eyeballs out if you ever look at her again.”

He laughed but I was dead serious.

“Settle down, dumbass. She’s clearly off limits.” He bit the inside of his cheek, lowering his eyes for just a second before talking again. “I don’t want to throw doubt but you need to be careful. This girl has secrets. She’s shady…”

“Watch it,” I warned. Obviously this thought had crossed my mind. She was here, under a false name and I had no idea why.

“Hear me out, dude. She’s from your past, I get it. She means something to you. But she’s hiding from someone or something. Don’t be dick dumb just because you want her back in your life.”

I rolled my lips, trying to choose my words carefully.

“She’s had a rough life. You think just because she doesn't want people from her past showing up that makes her shady?”

“No, but what I’m saying is nothing showed up when Justin did his background check. No red flags, no inconsistencies. Whoever ghosted her, it goes deep man. Professional deep. And what kind of runaway street kid has the cash to go invisible like that? Justin is the best of the best and he didn't even find her out.”

I inhaled deeply, knowing what he said had merit.

“Yeah, okay man. I hear you.”

“Just be careful.”

I nodded at him.

“You know I’ve got to share this with the boys. I don't think Pops needs to know yet. But if something funny comes up, he has to know.”

Pain pounded between my ears and I shifted in the bed. For the first time since I’d left the damn warehouse, I questioned my loyalty to the club.

I knew he was right. If Justin found anything in her background, Pops needed to know right away. I would never let anyone put the club or my brothers in danger.

But I would also burn in the fires of Hell before I let anyone touch her. Right or wrong. A gnawing ache started in my chest. God I hope she’s not hiding anything.

Grandma Lil called out from behind him, “Stash, hang up. I need to get down to the dining room so I can sit by that hunk, Marvin. Do you know he has a Cadillac, and his grandson still lets him drive when they go out for Sunday brunch? He said he’s going to spring me from this place and take me for a ride.”

Stash’s eyes widened in disbelief. He started shaking his head and mouthed the words, “Help me.”

“Hurry up before that slut, Evelyn gets the spot next to him. Love you, Tight.”

****

I sat on the edge of my bed, gripping the sides of the mattress and staring at the floor. My skin was sensitive to every place the starched white sheets touched. Regular noises from the hallway were like fingernails on a chalkboard. I was jumpy and irritated, not a good mix for me.

I’d never been good at being in one spot for very long. Not having the freedom to leave at will makes me antsy. This place had started to feel like a prison. I needed to get back on the road and back to The Pit where I belonged.

Maverick was out there somewhere, just living his life, and it royally pissed me off every time I thought of it. I could feel heat burning up my neck and into my cheeks as my temper ignited. I gripped the mattress harder. He needed to die, soon.

Braxton had fallen off the radar. According to Stash, he’d been working around the clock making sure all the safety checks were in place for the MC Rally coming up. When I’d spoken to him last, he’d said he couldn't shake the feeling someone was going to die there.

I tried to reassure him by reminding him we would do everything we could to make sure nothing like that happened. My promises probably didn’t settle his nerves much, coming from a man who had recently been shot. I’d hung up from our conversation irate. I was stuck in this fucking place and not there, where I should be, making sure Braxton had everything he needed. That was my job. That’s what I was good at.

Adding another layer to this whole messed up situation, it bugged the shit out of me knowing Justin was digging around into Sasha’s past. Her business was her own and I’m sure she had valid reasons to be hiding. I was also sure none of those reasons linked back to my club.

After talking with Grandma Lil, I decided to take her advice. I’d show Sasha exactly what my intentions were. There was no way she would leave the hospital this time, without knowing what I had to offer. We didn't have much time and I needed her to see it my way.

The only reason I hadn’t told the doc to go screw himself and left already was just walking in my door.

A small smile stretched my lips and my body relaxed, her presence calming the monsters inside my head. I was ready for whatever sass she wanted to throw my way because I was so damn happy to see her.

She smiled back at me and my fucking heart skipped a beat. It was a genuine smile, reaching to her eyes and lighting up her face and my entire world. Her beauty radiated around the room and sucker punched my heart.

I nearly jumped out of the bed and pounced. My skin lit on fire, begging for her touch. She was fuel to the smoldering lust I harbored, just beneath the surface, since finding her.

My eyes lingered on her flawless face. Her plump lips invited naughty thoughts to run wild in my head, and straight to my dick.

I frowned when I noticed the dark circles under her eyes.

“Are you okay? You look like you didn't sleep at all.”

She stopped just out of my reach, a painful distance for me. Our eyes met. There was a quiet resolve to her. My hope soared, thinking maybe she found forgiveness for me. Maybe this moment would be our starting over point.

“Boy, you’re a real charmer tonight,” she teased.

I chuckled, not knowing why things between us had changed but I wasn’t about to question anything.

“You know what I mean. You are absolutely stunning, but you look tired.”

Her eyes dropped as her cheeks warmed, with that perfect shade that was only hers. She pushed her hands into the front pockets of her scrub top.

“Well, thanks. But yes, it was a little difficult sleeping, knowing you were here and we would be talking again. I’m sorry I didn't come back in last night, I just…I just couldn’t.”

I held out my hand to her. I don’t know why. Maybe it was the softness in her tone. Maybe it was Grandma Lil’s words. Maybe it was because touching her seemed like the most natural thing in the world to me.

She hesitated for only a second before placing her small hand in mine. My breathing hitched at the promise in her touch.

Possession surged out of my nerve endings and spread through my entire body. One touch from her was all it took to tilt my whole world. I knew there was nothing on Earth that could separate me from her now.

Her eyes remained on our hands as her forehead creased. The swell of her breasts raised and fell in rhythm with her quick breaths. I savored every second of contact she gave me, rubbing my thumb over the top of her hand.

She whispered, “God, Ben. Why did you have to come back? There are so many things I thought I’d put behind me. But now
,
here you are and nothing seems the same.”

I knew I needed to go slow with her, but I’m a selfish bastard and wanted more. I tugged softly and she came to me with little resistance. She rested her hands on my knees, her eyes cast downward.

I slipped my hand around to the small of her back, pulling her a step closer and lifted her chin.

“Let’s talk. Okay?”

Her eyes filled with tears. A desire, from deep inside of me bubbled up, wanting to absorb every hurt, every emotional scar and every fear I’d caused her.

This was my chance to prove my worth. If she would let me, I would surround her with everything I had, shielding her from all the filth in this world. Nothing would ever harm her again. I was hers and she could wield my strength as a man any way she deemed fit. I wanted to do that for her, I needed to do it for her.

I said a quick prayer to whoever was listening, asking for the right words to convince this woman I was the kind of man she’d always wanted. I only hoped it was true.

She had no idea what I’d done to get me to this point in my life and there was no sugarcoating it. I had to convince her to look past it all, and see me for who I really am even if that wasn’t a pretty picture.

I needed her to balance out all the shit. Her good for my bad, her strength for my weaknesses. Her love would be the key to my salvation.