Reckless Fear (The Black Vipers #1) (8 page)

I didn't want to know what she was hiding, at least not yet.

My hand trembled against the door knob. The fear of what was on the other side making me frantic. Part of me wanted to run as far away as possible, the other fighting to rush inside. Somehow, he’d already made his presence home to me. Inside those four walls was the healing for the tears my soul cried. My sad stories retreated when he was near.

But the sobering reality of this messed up life I lived…I could never have the peace he offered. Not without placing the ones I love in harm’s way. After all they had sacrificed for me, they needed to remain my priority.

When I found out Tight had given Nancy my real name, I panicked. Everything I’d worked so hard for had suddenly been dust in the wind.

Several phone calls later, a decision was made. I would disappear after this shift. My instinct had been to leave town the second I discovered my secret had been leaked, but that would make the situation even more dangerous.

It was stupid to leave when I had patients who might need something from me. The first call light that went on and didn't get answered would bring attention to the fact I was gone. Other nurses would start looking for me, wondering where I was…possibly even call the cops since it would be so unlike me to go missing.

So it was decided, I would stay where I was and finish my shift as normal. I’d have until I was expected back for my next shift to get as far away as possible. If I suddenly came down with a terrible case of the flu and had to call in sick, I would have even more time to escape.

If Nancy was working with the wrong people, I needed all the hours I could get between this life and the next.  I’d be in a new city with a new identity before anyone suspected anything. Away from here, further away from my family and as far away from Tight as I could get.

I brushed away an escaping tear.

Damn it, I’d been fine all these years without him. He had crashed back into my life and was the truth my fucking lie of an existence couldn't endure.

My heart couldn't sort out how he was the answer and the complication all at the same time.

I’d been warned to keep it together and finish all my tasks as usual. This was it, the last stop I needed to make on this shift.

My last goodbye to a man who would always be a part of me, no matter how hard I tried to rid myself of him.

I prayed he would be asleep. I’d left his room sobbing last night after nearly screwing everything up. My plan was to prove to him everything we shared had been left behind years ago. The feelings were nothing more than memories left in the small, run down building where we’d spent one night together.

The moment I put my hand in his, everything blurred.  I couldn't trust myself around him. The pull was too great. My heart started playing tricks with my mind, making deals and telling lies.

For a short time I believed we could be together and his words were true. We would figure it all out together.

But then he’d confessed to telling Nancy my real name and all the falsities that had been holding up the possibilities crumbled. Reality came slamming down around me, condemning me to the predestined fate that had ruled me for many years.

It wasn't his fault my life was such a damn mess but he’d complicated things in a way he could never understand. There was no choice now. I had to leave.

The morning sun was just coming up and I knew Nancy would be punching in soon. The risk of seeing her was too high but the pain of leaving without seeing him once more was devastating. I had to push through my fears and be strong for just a little while longer.

He’s just another ordinary patient, nothing more,
I repeated to myself.

Except that was a lie. He was Tight and there was nothing ordinary about him.

I opened the door slowly and stepped into the dark room. The night light above his bed cast a soft shadow over him. I stopped, unable to control the small gasp that escaped.

His size was on full display, making his bed look too small. The man was a beast.

His mouth was parted slightly, deep breaths escaping rhythmically as he slept. I loved the way all the worries of a grown man disappeared as he relaxed into his dreams. The hospital pants he wore were twisted, making them stretch tightly around his hips, showing off the perfect V that drove me crazy.

My mouth was suddenly dry.

His chiseled chest rose and fell with each breath. There was nothing in this world I wanted to touch more than those abs.

I’d spent countless hours as a teenager dreaming about his body and all the things he’d done to mine.

Now, I had an entirely different set of fantasies about the man before me. Dreams of a woman who knew exactly what it took to please her, with a man willing to do it if she would only let him.

I turned my back, trying to calm myself. I had to get out of this room. I couldn't be here, not alone with him. My reasons for keeping my distance blurred so easily when he was near.

“Hey, Sassy,” he half whispered, trying to straighten himself in the bed. “Enjoy the show?”

Heat warmed my cheeks. My eyes closed for a second too long, my soul remembering the sound of his voice, before turning to face him.

“It’s okay, I’m a hot son of a bitch.” He flashed me a soft smile and my heart thundered in my chest, crying out like it found its way home. Warmth slowly drifted through my body, mixing with a tinge of jealousy as I thought about how other women in the club must lust after him and I was leaving by choice.

I tilted my head, smiling back. I couldn’t help it. He was so breathtaking.

“Hey,” I said softly. Our eyes met and an intimate wave of emotion swirled around us. We held the silence between us like a perfect storm, letting it say all the things we weren’t ready to.

I moved closer to the bed. “I was trying to be quiet. I didn’t want to wake you.”

His heavy stare spread out over me like a thousand fingertips exploring my skin. I shivered at the feeling of being worshiped by his eyes, wishing I could let him touch me.

His brazen exploration of my body continued, allowing his eyes to drop to my lips and linger there. His own parted slightly as his tongue slipped over the bottom one. He studied me like a scene he couldn’t get enough of.

I felt exposed and beautiful all at once. My body reacted in a sensual way just from being close to him.

Slowly his eyes traced down my neck where his tongue had tasted me only hours before.

I swallowed against my dry throat, the intensity in the room raced with desire as I imagined his lips on me, exploring every bit of need I had for him.

Dropping his eyes to the curves of my breast, he watched as my chest raised and fell in rapid succession. His breaths quickly matching mine. Heat pooled in between my legs as my erect nipples rubbed against the fabric of my bra, begging to be touched.

I pulled my lower lip into my mouth, biting on it slightly as I ran my fingers down the side of my neck, in a feeble attempt to maintain some sort of control.

His stare changed. “Come to me, now. I need you closer,” he whispered roughly, reaching his hand out toward me.

I instinctively grabbed it, connecting us as one and the spark of emotion we had erupted into a feral burning of need.  Desperation flooded my body, exposing all the cracks in my well thought out plan. Everything fell into the shadows around me, changed with one simple touch.

I felt it and he knew it. With every smile, every word, every small touch, it was getting harder and harder to deny what my body and heart demanded I give to him.

He pulled me to the edge of the bed. Hissing as he pushed himself up on the mattress, balancing his weight with one elbow, he looked up at me.

“You need to stay still,” I warned, knowing he was stronger but not strong enough yet.

He paused, slipped his hand behind me, cupping my ass, squeezing almost to the point of pain and bringing me even closer to the bed.

“The only thing I need right now is my mouth on those fucking lips of yours.”

He reached up, dragging his finger along my bottom lip. “Please, Sassy. Let me have these lips, just one taste…” His hand slid behind my neck, pulling me closer as his eyes focused on my mouth. I leaned toward him, pulled by the undeniable connection that existed between us. My fingers spread out onto his chest and I moaned as his eyes closed slightly like my light touch was too important to ignore.

A surge of heat pooled in between my legs and something inside of me snapped. I grabbed his face on both sides and our eyes locked as possession flashed in his.

“Yes,” he growled, “You fucking want this, you know you do.”

I leaned in, whispering against his lips, “You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into.”

“Give it to me, all of it. I can take it.”

Our eyes met once more, crackling with my warning and his promise he could take whatever I had to give.

The shrill of the IV machine rang through the room, cutting straight between us. My eyes instantly went to the machine, then back to his.

I flattened my hands against his chest, both of us trying to regain control.

“We can’t, you know that. I already told you.”

“I don’t know shit right now. You make me stupid with that fucking body of yours.”

Falling back to the bed in defeat, he growled, reached down and pulled the IV catheter out of his hand, throwing it to the ground.

“Tight,” I yelled, grabbing a piece of gauze and pushing against the spot on top of his hand where blood had already begun to pool.

His brows furrowed as confusion crossed his face. Everything inside of me wanted to comfort him. If I could, I would steal his heart and claim him as my own. Tears burned my eyes as I taped down the gauze.

“Sasha,” he whispered, reaching for me.

I backed away from the bed shaking my head. “Stop. You really need to stop.”

His eyes never left mine. “Do you feel it?”

I rolled my lips together, begging him with my eyes to stop this assault on my heart.

“The coldness that seeps into each of us every time you push me away. I know you feel it too. I can see it in your face.”

“I told you, I don’t want anything to do with you. What happened,” I pointed toward the bed, “was a mistake, a moment of weakness.” I moved quickly toward the door.

The hurt in his voice stopped me, “Don’t say that to me.”

I turned back toward him. His eyes were fixed on the wall, his jaw tight.

“Don’t say you don’t want anything to do with me. Once I get out of this fucking place…” he paused, adjusting himself up in the bed. “Just be ready…I’m taking you with me.”

I shook my head, knowing I would be gone but for some unknown reason, needing to hear the promises of what could be. It would be what held me together for years to come.

“Take me where?” I asked.

A small smile lifted his lips.

“Back to the Pit where I can lock us away into my room. I will own your body. You’ll scream my name until every asshole there knows who you belong to. And that heart you have locked away so tightly, I will fight until I own that too. There will be no room for anything in your life but me.”

An unexpected rage filled me. I wasn't even sure what fueled it but it was powerful and real.

Maybe it was because his words were so confident and it pissed me off. I knew I was leaving and none of what he was saying would ever happen.

Maybe it was because I was so weak and wanted him to take me, claim me in a way no man ever had before.

Maybe it was because I knew the only way this man would ever consider cutting me loose was if I hurt him so deeply, he had to rid himself of the pain I’d caused.

I felt a tremor begin in my core, my anger spilling out into the room as I marched over to the bed, barely able to control myself.

“What makes you think I want that? I have no desire to go anywhere with you, ever.”

His eyes widened, just as surprised by my sudden shift of emotion as I was. I had his attention and it was time to deliver the serious blows.

“This body has been taken places you will never experience with me, over and over again. Let that soak in. I’ve been touched and licked and fucked many times. I have screamed names-never yours-and heard my name screamed more times than I can even remember. How do you like that? How do you like the thought of someone else being inside of me?”

Tight suddenly sat up, pushing his legs over the side of the bed. A sheen of sweat glistened on his brow as his eyes bore into mine.

I knew the pain I was causing him. It bled out all over his face, but for some reason, I liked it. All the years of suffering I’d endured since him; the exact things he had promised to save me from and then left me, without a second thought. The idea that he could just show up and claim me suddenly had me seeing red. I knew my words were like daggers and I was going for the kill shot. He deserved every word.

“My heart will never be yours. You broke me and threw me away like garbage. Do you honestly think for one second that I would willingly put myself into that situation again?”

Tight pushed his hands against the bed, trying to stand up.

“What the Hell are you doing?” I rushed over to him, worried
 
he wasn’t strong enough to stand on his own. I should have known I’d underestimated his strength and determination. This man lived where the devil’s game was played daily. No time for weakness or second thoughts.

Instead of standing, he reached out, grabbing me by the waist and pulling me between his legs. I gasped at the sudden closeness. His hands held me tightly, fingers digging into my hips. I struggled at first, pushing against his chest.

“No, I’m not yours. I will never be yours.”

“I know Sasha, I’m an asshole.” I pushed and hit him over and over, screaming and crying as I let my anger control me. My desire to hurt him overtook my concern for his injuries.

“You lied to me. You left me. I wasn't worth anything to you,” I screamed.

He held on, taking every blow.

“That’s not true. I couldn't take you. I couldn't protect you. I was weak. Look at me now. I’m finally the man you deserve.”

His words overpowered me, pushing me into the deep dark pit that had become the place all my feelings for Tight mixed together in a lovely melody of confusion and serenity.

I slumped into his arms, exhausted from reliving every emotion he brought out in me.

“We were supposed to protect each other,” I cried. “You promised.”

Leaning in, his breath rushing across my neck, he whispered, “You can fight me all you want. I know I deserve every bit of anger you can throw at me. I want it all. All the pain, all the bullshit, the abandonment. I deserve that shit, not you. So give it all to me, let me carry it. I will do it because I need you to know how sorry I am. I’m so fucking sorry I left you. I want you to be freed of all of it.”

He paused, breathing deeply before speaking again. “But, if you say one more word about some other dick being inside of you, I will find and kill every mother fucker you’ve ever been with. Do you understand me? Every. Single. One.”

I stilled in his arm, feeling the truth of his words.

“I will take you because you belong with me. You belong to me.”

“Tight,” I whispered.

“Stop. It’s not going to work. I will have you. You will be in my life. In my heart and in my fucking bed, only mine, forever.”

His hand slipped under the bottom of my shirt, rubbing his rough calloused hands along my stomach.

“We can’t, you can’t touch me like this.”

“Tell me to stop.” He leaned in and placed heavy kisses downward from my jaw. When he got to my shoulder he bit down hard, sucking and then running his soft tongue over it and up my neck, marking me and making me moan from pure pleasure.

“You like that, don't you sassy girl. Now, let me have that fucking mouth of yours. I swear you won’t regret it.”

He moved his hands from my stomach to the sides of my face. Pausing as he pulled me in, he looked into my eyes for only a heartbeat before wetting his lips and softly pushing them onto mine.

He was gentle as he kneaded our lips together. My knees buckled, shots of electricity running like rivers through my body. His lips molded to mine, moving and caressing like a favorite memory playing out over and over.

I pressed into him and he growled as his kisses became more dominating. I parted my lips, inviting him in. His tongue immediately possessed my mouth, moving and joining with mine. I ran my hands over the back of his head, trying to pull him closer to me. I needed more. More of him. More of us.

He broke our kiss and I whimpered as he pulled away. “I have to have you,” he whispered, “all of you.”

He attacked my mouth again and I returned the fever of his kiss, needing it like I needed air. Reaching under my shirt, he slid his hands to my back and I froze.

He continued to kiss me but slowed when he noticed the change. Slowly moving his fingers over my skin, he stopped as he felt the ripples of the marred skin. I grabbed both of his biceps, sliding my hands down toward his writs until he dropped his hands from my back.

I held onto his wrists, shaking from lust and the fear of what he’d just discovered.

“What’s wrong? What’s on your back?”

His eyes questioned me, wondering why everything changed so quickly.

I sighed, “Nothing. It’s nothing you need to worry about.”

He stood. His face paled a bit from the demand on muscles he hadn’t used for a while but he recovered quickly. His demanding presence filled the room.

“Don't be afraid, I can fix this. I’ll protect you. Tell me who hurt you?”

I took a step back, watching as his eyes changed from hope to pleading.

“No,” I whispered, “You can’t fix this. There is nothing you can do.”

He reached for me but I moved away.

“I have to go, my shift is almost over.”

“What the fuck, Sasha. Why won’t you tell me who hurt you?”

I shifted my weight back and forth, struggling with the reality of what I was about to do. My heart fought against the agony I’d just resurrected, knowing I would need it to get my point across. To get him to finally walk away. I pulled my shoulders back, preparing for the war ahead of me.

“It was my father.”

His face was instantly red. “What the Hell. Why did he do that to you?” He reached around me, trying to lift my shirt. I punched his chest as hard as I could. He dropped his hands, surprise on his face.

“Don’t. You don't ever get to see my back. That’s my business, not anyone else's.”

He put his hands up in front of him, sympathy in his eyes.

“Why? Why did he do that to you? Did he beat you all the time?”

Tears streamed down my face, unable to stop the ripping of my heart. “No, just once,” I answered, shaking my head.

He grabbed for me, crushing me against his chest. I leaned into him, wrapping my arms around his waist. He softly ran his fingers down my hair, whispering he wasn’t going anywhere and promising we were both finally safe.

He had never been more wrong.

I held onto him for my life and for the life of the baby we never got to have. The sobs refused to stop, the waves of pain crashing over and over. He held me tight. Never wavering, never questioning. Just steady and strong arms, holding me while my memories delivered the type of punishment that only happens when life has been brutally torn from your body.

“Baby, you have to calm down. Please, I don’t know what to do. Tell me what you need.”

I synchronized my breathing to the beat of his heart, wishing this had been our story. For the first time I felt it.

What we could have been.

What was taken from us…from me.

I saw it all in my head. A tiny baby, lying against his chest and me tucked under his arm. His protection surrounding us and we were together, as a family.

I was a danger to him, although he would never see it that way. He could never be safe with me in his world.

I tucked the image of our little family away, silently saying goodbye.

The sun peeked through the curtains and I knew I had no more time to waste.

I cleared my throat. “What I need from you is to stay as far away from me as possible.”

His face turned ghostly white.

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying yes, I know we have a crazy chemistry. But I don’t want you in my life. There is too much history with you. Too much pain whenever I look at you.”

He intertwined his fingers, putting them on top of his head.

“It was because of me, wasn't it?”

I nodded. “The one beating my dad gave me was after I was with you.”

He moved his hands to his hips, looking down at the ground.

“Why,” he whispered.

“I’d been promised to someone. I was to be delivered on my 17th birthday to someone in exchange for something my father had always wanted.”

“Holy shit.”

“The deal was I was to be delivered as a virgin.”

“Your fucking dad sold you?”

“When he found out I was not longer a virgin, he went crazy.”

“Why didn't you just lie to him?”

A heavy silence settled between us, giving him time to work the situation out in his head.

His face fell, eyes blinking down to my stomach and then back to my face.

“I didn't tell him. I just couldn't hide the evidence anymore.”

He ran his hands through his hair slowly as it all sunk in, not wanting to ask the question hanging between us.

“You were pregnant? We have a kid?” The hope that raised his voice was almost my undoing.

“Yes, I was pregnant. No, we don’t have a kid.”

He backed away from me. I felt a coldness blanket over me. I welcomed it, knowing it was the only way for me to make it through this again.

“I couldn't hide it anymore. He beat me until I lost consciousness. When I woke up, my back was nothing more than ripped up skin and the baby, the baby was gone.”

He ground his teeth while flexing his fists at his side. “What the fuck do you mean, gone?”

“Gone. Aborted. Murdered.” My heart fluttered madly in my chest, wanting to scream out but the cold shut it down. I stared at him, emotionless.

His eyes flashed with a level of pain that shot into me and straight to my heart. He was realizing the only person in his life who had been completely his to guard, had been killed and he hadn’t been there to stop it.

He grabbed the side table and threw it across the room, screaming as he punched the wall over and over. He paced back and forth flexing his bleeding hands and pulling at his hair.

His agony was so intense I felt as if I would die all over again. I stayed motionless, only allowing the tears that slipped out to fall. I couldn't give in to his pain too. I couldn't hold him or comfort him. I was too selfish with my own pain to make his important enough to react in any way.

I watched as all the feelings he thought he had for me, faded from his heart. Blame for the death of his child replacing any other kind of emotion he’d attached to me.

This was working. He would have no other choice but to push me away now.

My heart began to give out, just beating out of habit. There was only so much pain I could endure before existing was the best I could do.

“Who the fuck is your dad? Who does that? I will kill him slowly. I will rip his flesh from his bones! Tell me, tell me right now where he is.”

Within seconds of each other, my cell phone, his cell phone and the room phone all rang.

He tore his red rimmed eyes from mine, reaching for his cell.

“What,” he barked out.

His eyes clouded for a second, trying to understand what was being said on the other line and then flashed to the door.

”Are you sure?”

I tried to reach for my phone that hadn’t stopped going off. But he grabbed the back of my arm roughly, pulling me toward the door.

I jerked my arm away from him. He turned, his face red with anger.