Red Dirt Diary 3 (5 page)
Authors: Katrina Nannestad
Mrs Whittington's report, âSchool bus hit by meteorite', will be the newspaper's lead story. It's a sensational article describing a tragic meteorite storm that occurred in Hardbake Plains last Tuesday. In addition to the school bus being blasted into a crater the size of Mount Vesuvius, the pub, the church and Wes and Fez were completely annihilated.
None of it is real, of course. Mrs Whittington gets a bit confused sometimes. She watched a movie called
The End
with Wes and Fez last Sunday night, and has mixed the details up with real life in Hardbake Plains.
Our readers won't mind. They'll be happy for Mrs W that her story made the front page.
Friday, 11 May
A newspaper is born!
The first ever edition of
The Bake Tribulation
came out today. Of course, it was meant to be
The Bake Tribune
, but Ben made a printing error.
A tribulation is a dreadful, traumatic experience, so, really, it might be a more accurate name for our poor readers. Especially when they see Mat's romance serial â¦
Heart's Triumph
Elizabeth, a tall, slender woman of overwhelming beauty, walked down the curved staircase into the chandelier-lit ballroom. Her heart fluttered violently as she looked across the crowded room and saw a tall, slender man of overwhelming handsomeness. He turned around from the table loaded with caviar and lobsters and his heart fluttered violently as he looked across the room and saw Elizabeth.
âWho is that tall, slender woman of overwhelming beauty?' he asked Lady Welsh-Pearson.
Lady Welsh-Pearson sneered, âShe is nobody. Don't waste your time with the likes of her, Edmund. She is only the butcher's daughter.'
But it was too late. It was love at first sight. Edmund was like totally in love with her forever.
He rushed across the room, seized Elizabeth by the hand and dragged her out onto the balcony.
âOh dear lady,' Edmund cried. âYou are totally awesome. Your hair is like black silk. Your skin is like pure snow. Your eyes are like blue poo
Unfortunately, Ben's dodgy printing cut the last bit off. Mat will be hysterical when she reads it.
Wes and Fez cried when they learnt that they'd been killed in a meteorite storm last Tuesday â¦
Saturday, 12 May
Had heaps of phone calls from people telling me how much they
loved
the newspaper. Mrs Murphy said she hadn't laughed so much since Mr Murphy fell down the chute in the shearing shed last year. She thought it was pure gold from cover to cover.
The crazy fruit and first aid articles have been an enormous hit, and everyone is busting with excitement about the camp. It's not going to be easy to turn people against the Colonel.
Mat rang in tears.
âBen ruined my romance,' she cried. âEdmund was meant to tell Elizabeth her eyes are like blue
pools
, but now everyone will think her eyes are like blue
poo
!'
I told her nobody would even notice (BIG LIE!!!). But she blabbered on and on and sobbed so hard that she sounded like a camel with a fig stuck in its throat.
Gross.
But not as gross as having eyes like blue poo!
Sunday, 13 May
Mat rang again today. Her nose was so blocked up, she must have been crying for hours.
It turns out that she had scanned and emailed a copy of
The Bake Tribulation
to Warren from Warren on Friday afternoon before reading it. Warren now thinks Mat has a disgusting obsession with bottoms and poo. He emailed today to say that he doesn't want to be her boyfriend any more.
Poor Mat. Romance is never easy.
Mrs Whittington gave Wes and Fez a khaki tea cosy each today.
She said, âDon't eat them all at once or you'll get a tummy ache.'
She must have forgotten that she has just given them the orange and green striped ones.
Wes and Fez are really excited.
âCool as,' cried Wes.
âArmy tea cosies!' cried Fez.
âThese are just like real soldiers wear!' cried Wes.
They spent the whole evening marching up and down the veranda with their tea cosies on
their heads, yelling, âLeft-right-left-right!' even though they don't know their right from their left.
Monday, 14 May
Everyone was talking about blue poo on the bus this morning.
Nick said his poo turned blue once after eating bubble gum-flavoured ice cream. Grace wondered if blueberries would turn your poo blue, but Worms said he had eaten two jars of blueberry jam just the other day and everything was normal. Jack's dog had eaten all the blue tinsel off their Christmas tree one year and his poo was full of glittery blue bits, but everyone agreed that it didn't really count.
Mat sat up the front seething. You could almost see the steam coming out her ears.
Wes and Fez wore their khaki tea cosies to school today.
The Colonel was impressed.
âInteresting pieces of headwear,' he said. âVery creative! Very creative! Reminds me of the Ice Tribes of Siberia who wear live snow foxes on their heads for warmth. Tried it myself once when I was lost in a blizzard for three days.
Astonishingly warm with all that fur and body heat ⦠Of course, the foxes don't like it much, but they adapt.'
I rolled my eyes and tried to look bored, but in the end I had to run into the toilets to hide the grin that was splitting my face. Gabby thought I had wind issues again and spent all day begging me to lie down in the sick bay!
Posted three copies of
The Bake Tribulation
today â one to Sophie, one to Peter and one to Miss McKenzie in Scotland.
Haven't heard from Miss McKenzie for over a week. I hope she hasn't disappeared into the mountains for good. What will we do if she never comes back?
What will Mr Cluff do if she never comes back? He can't go on moping around like a blob for the rest of his life, can he?
My plan just has to work.
Tuesday, 15 May
Harry Wilson came to school with his face covered in scratches. Apparently he got cold during the night and thought it would be a good idea to use his pet rabbit as a hat. The rabbit obviously didn't agree.
I told Harry's mum that the Colonel has been putting crazy ideas into Harry's head. She said Harry's head is already stuffed so full of crazy ideas, like digging to China and hot air ballooning to Greenland, that a few more crazy ideas wouldn't make a jot of difference. Besides, what were a few scratches when Harry's knees and face were the cleanest they'd ever been since he could crawl, all thanks to the Colonel?
Darn it! Foiled again.
Today's outdoor adventure activity was archery. I tried to look like it was a total yawn, but it was so much fun that I don't think I got my point across. I was the best in the school with seventeen bull's-eyes and heaps more
just
missing.
Sam was pretty upset because Ben accidentally shot his giant pumpkin that was almost ready to be picked.
Mat refused to participate in archery. She sat on the veranda steps, pushing her hair behind her ears, and jotting down ideas for part two of âHeart's Triumph'. She is determined to make it so beautifully romantic that Warren from Warren will be speechless and
will apologise for his heartless treatment of her and declare his undying love. I said that was an awful lot to say for someone who is speechless. Mat just gave me one of her withering looks and started drawing little love hearts down her fingers with red pen.
Dad was pretty excited when we told him about the archery. He was Senior Boys' Champion in archery at boarding school and still has his bow and arrows somewhere in the shed. He promised to find them for us tomorrow. Mum just rolled her eyes.
Wednesday, 16 May
Received a news article from Sam for the next edition of
The Bake Tribulation
. âMurderer roams free' is a bloodthirsty account of the slaughter of Sam's pumpkin during yesterday's archery lesson.
Also got a moving poem from Banjo:
A Sudden Loss
A pumpkin - orange, large and plump Sitting in the soil,
A product of Sam's love and care And horse manure and toil.
An arrow - long and thin and sharp
Flying swift and true.
The skin is pierced, the pumpkin's dead.
Oh what is Sam to do?
I showed them both to the Colonel so that he would realise how much destruction and heartache he'd been responsible for in one short lesson. He wriggled his bushy eyebrows and said, âGolly gosh and galloping grapes! That young Ben is a
killer
shot with an arrow ⦠Quite impressive ⦠Quite impressive,' and walked away humming a tune.
I read the article to Mr Cluff, so that he would realise how out of control the Colonel's lesson had been. But he just stared out across the plains and sighed, âMiss McKenzie's hair is the colour of pumpkin soup.'
SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!
Showed the article and poem to Ben and he just shrugged his shoulders. He didn't seem at all ashamed of himself. I hope he isn't a psychopath.
Wes, Fez and I spent all evening practising archery with Dad's old bow and arrows so we can shoot the foxes next time they come sneaking around. One of Fez's arrows landed in the grass right next to Gunther and his bunnies. Gunther
was furious and chased Fez around the chicken coop where he fell down the pit trap and gave himself a bleeding nose.
Macka appeared from nowhere and ran around the pit gurgling happily.
Thursday, 17 May
Ned could hardly wait to sit down on the school bus this morning before he shared his fascinating news. Yesterday his baby sister had sucked on the blue crepe paper streamers they used to decorate the kitchen for his mum's birthday, and first thing today ⦠drum roll ⦠her nappy was full of blue poo!!
The whole bus exploded in cheers.
Mat burst into tears. She really needs to develop a sense of humour.
This afternoon, the Colonel gathered us all together and said, âI've got one word for you â carrier pigeons.'
I rolled my eyes and said, âThat's
two
words!'
The Colonel's hairy eyebrows wriggled across his forehead and he said, âBy Jove it is! And two very important words. Can't get enough of carrier pigeons. Astonishing creatures! Useful for sending messages between soldiers. Brilliant for
getting SOS signals back to base when trouble strikes.'
Tom suggested using mobile phones or walkie-talkies, but the Colonel frowned and said, âNow where's the fun in that?'
He's right. Pigeons sound like much more fun. I wish he would stop making everything so exciting.
The Colonel told us that carrier pigeons have something called magnetite in their brains. It works like a compass that draws on the earth's magnetic field. So even when a carrier pigeon is taken miles away from home, it still knows how to get back. That makes it very handy for sending messages home to family and friends.