Redeem Me (4 page)

“You can do anything, Annie.” The heavy night air flows across my breasts and Jason wills me to believe his words. “You forget how strong you are. You can do this…” I watch him, wanting to let go of everything that’s not him. I take one last look at the star-drenched sky.

I wake up sobbing. I can’t do anything.

M
argo leaves and I can barely breathe; a weight slowly crushes my chest. Her departure came before I fully realized she was here. When the three of us are together, it’s as if not one minute’s passed since our last gathering. Our world together is on a different plane from the rest of our days. They’re family and an incredible distraction.

The cargo train on the tracks next to us catches my eye as a yawn engulfs my face. I can feel myself succumbing to the warmth of sleep.

“Charlotte, how can you be tired? We just got up,” Jenn asks, barely looking up from her magazine.

“I don’t actually sleep anymore. When I do, I either dream of having sex with Jason or killing him,” I say.

Jenn nods. “I dream of killing him, too.”

“Plus, riding the train relaxes me. I’ve always loved it.”

The windows go dark as the train enters the tunnel. We’re right on time for our 8:14 a.m. arrival in Manhattan.

“It’ll be good to see Julia. I haven’t seen her since Homecoming last year,” Jenn says. “What fun that was.”
Homecoming was a year ago?
It was a lifetime ago. My mind wanders to all the weekends Jenn came to visit at Rutgers. Julia and my other roommates loved her as much as I do.

“I know. Julia’s been great about taking care of the condo. She’s handled everything since we bought it.”

“It makes the most sense for you to move to New York City. You already own half of an apartment. What are you going to do with it?” Jenn asks, focusing on the obvious.

I sigh, sick of the obvious. “Julia and I bought it because the market was in shambles and the rates were low, and I had a lot of money from the settlement. We always planned to either sell it high or she’ll buy me out. I just had the majority of the down payment since I’m rich now that my parents are dead.” I shake my head and close my eyes.
Life makes no sense—why should I?
“You know, tremendous wealth as a consolation for being orphaned,” I say, and Jenn says nothing. I really don’t know why my friends hang out with me. They deserve better. “How about you drop me off at the office and I’ll give you the key to the apartment?” I offer as a plan. “I don’t know how long I’m going to be, but I’ll keep in touch.”

“Take your time. I want to go shopping and get my nails done,” she says.

“How very New York,” I add as my phone dings with a text. It’s Margo.

NICK SINCLAIR LEFT ME A

MESSAGE LAST NIGHT. HE

WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU

CAME BACK TO CO WITH ME.

I run my finger across the screen of my phone. Noble…he’s always had a way of consoling me. Maybe he didn’t know before I went to Oklahoma. It’s hard to remember a time with Noble when I wasn’t laughing. I rest my head on the window as we pull into Penn Station. There’s no laughing now. I text Margo back.

Just tell him no.

Robertson’s Reports is a survey creation and interpretation company occupying ten floors of a midtown office building. I wish my parents had lived to see it. They would have been impressed. I take a deep breath and head to the elevator bank just as the door’s opening. Fourteen of my closest friends and I file onto the elevator. There are several field offices throughout the country, but the offices we occupy on floors 48 through 57 of this building are the corporate headquarters. The elevator stops several times on the way up, providing more room with each stop. I take a few deep breaths as the door opens on 55 and I squeeze my way past the last four men in the elevator.

As I step out, comfort and familiarity sweep over me. Even though the study of statistics bores just about everyone else on the planet, I love it, and my boss, Bruce, and I did some great work here the past few months. The receptionist sees me and runs from the other side of the desk with her arms outstretched. She’s taller than me and slightly plump in a provocative way. She knows it and wears curve-hugging dresses and pencil skirts with thick belts. She’s irresistible to men and women and is an island in the sea of hard, skinny shells inhabiting the city. Her hair is long, as brown as dark chocolate and as big as the rest of her. She pulls me into a big hug and my head rests on her jiggling bosom.

“Charlotte!”

I pull away, an unplanned smile on my face.

“What are you doing here? I thought you’d be in Oklahoma or somewhere else that sounds like hell.” She pulls me back and looks me up and down. “You look like absolute shit.”

“I know. My plans changed. Hey, Renee, do you have a minute?” I ask, unsure of what I’m doing.

“Sure. Let me put the phone on send. No one calls this early anyway.”

We move into the break room not far from the lobby and I shut the door.

“Listen, can you do me a favor?”

Renee’s intrigued. “Anything, girlfriend. What’s up?”

“When I got to Oklahoma, I found out Jason cheated on me in May and the girl’s pregnant with his baby.” I say this as if I am talking about someone I barely know. “We broke up and we’re not speaking anymore.” This is partially true, or at least sounds true.

“Oh no, Charlotte. What the fuck? That jerk-off!” Renee’s dirty mouth is jarring no matter how much time I spend with her. She walks toward me to put me in the boob squeeze again. I hold up my hand to stop her.

“I’m okay. Actually, I’m close to okay, but I can’t tell this story over and over again today. Can you spread it around and tell everyone not to talk to me about it?”

Renee looks completely confused. “Let me get this straight. Something ass-fuck horrible and embarrassing has happened to you and you want me to spread it around the office like common gossip?” she asks, starting to catch on.

“Do you mind?”

“It’s brilliant! For you, I’ll fucking do it. And I thought this week was going to be a total yawn.”

“Thanks, Renee. I owe you. Oh, and I brought my friend, Jenn, from home up with me. Julia and I are taking her to Rise for Happy Hour if you want to join us.”

“Aah, shit-talking tourists. Maybe I’ll meet a rich business ass from out of town at the Ritz.”

“Undoubtedly. How could they resist you?” I say as I think,
Not with that mouth
.

“True. Like moths to the motherfucking light. I almost feel bad for them most days.” We walk back toward the lobby. “You call me or come up here if anyone bothers you. I’ll bash their fucking heads in with my stapler.”

I’ve missed NY.

I use my ID badge to open the door behind Renee and make my way to Bruce’s office. I try to avoid the few people already at their desks until Renee’s had a chance to speak with them. Bruce is sitting at his desk, facing his computer, which is off to the side. Something about his office, and him in it, makes me happy. It’s good to be starting again.

He sees me and beams as he comes around the desk. “Hey!” He kisses me on the cheek and hugs me, and I pull away, a little out of practice with all the kissing. Bruce ignores my lack of enthusiasm and shuts the door. “Sit down.” He motions to a chair in front of his desk and sits in the one next to it. I’d be more comfortable with him behind his desk the way he usually is, but I know he’s trying to put me at ease.

“So, do you want to tell me why my luck’s changed and you’re back in the city?”

“Well,” I begin with a huge sigh, “I’m no longer moving to Oklahoma, and I have a great deal more time to devote to work.”

“That’s good news,” Bruce says exaggeratedly. “Are you moving into the city?”

“No.”

“North Jersey?” Bruce asks, surprised.

“Actually, I’d like to stay in South Jersey. I’ve been staying at my parents’ house for a few weeks now and it feels right.” Bruce’s disappointment is apparent. “I was thinking I could come to the city a lot more than I’d intended to from Oklahoma. Maybe even once a week. That should make things a little easier.” I’m rambling at this point. “And if we’re working on time-critical materials, I could stay a few days. It’ll give us a little more flexibility,” I continue.

“It’s okay.” Bruce raises his hand to halt my nonsense. “I still can’t believe I approved you working from Oklahoma. I’m glad you’re going to be closer. We’ve submitted a proposal to Sure Auto Insurance and if they accept, we’re going to be spending a lot of time in Saratoga Springs together.”

“New York?” I ask.

“That’s the one,” Bruce answers with an excited grin. “We’ll work it out as we go.” His smile makes me uncomfortable. I glance back weakly.

The clock hits 5:30 and I’m running toward reception. Renee’s ready to escape as well. She’s providing directions to a man leaving our office and has traded her explicit language for her sweetest receptionist tongue. “That’s right. You’ll just need to go down three blocks and you’ll see it on your right.”

We walk to the apartment, catching up on her life the entire way, her X-rated vocabulary fully restored and illustrating every story.

“Thanks for giving me the awful-ass scoop. It made today fly by. I didn’t realize you knew so many fucking people. They were stopping by all day,” she says happily. “Oh, and Brody in accounting’s going to ask you out. He asked me how long he should wait. I think he’s been spanking off to your Facebook page for months.”

My face twists in disgust. “Tell him at least a year or two.”

“You know Bruce is going to try and fuck you.”

I freeze in horror. “What?”

“Don’t worry. He tries to fuck everyone eventually. You’d be insulted if he didn’t.”

“No. I would not be insulted.” I keep walking, but I’m still completely disturbed. Even more so at the thought that Jason was right all along about Bruce wanting to do more than statistics with me.

By the time we get home, Julia and Jenn are already drinking a beer and rolling a joint. I drop my bags by the door and take off my shoes. Renee barrels in behind me and introduces herself to Jenn.

The apartment looks different. The refrigerator is blank except for a Chinese takeout magnet. The bulletin board hangs like new on the wall. I carry my shoes to my room. The shelves and the top of the dresser are empty and unfamiliar, and the only thing left is a picture of Julia, Noble, and me at the shore last summer. We’re huddled together in a bar with enormous smiles covering our sun-kissed faces. I barely recognize myself.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Julia asks with concern gripping her face.

“I’m not sure I’m even alive,” I blankly admit. I continue to survey my empty room.

“I hope you don’t mind. I redecorated a little,” Julia says.

I stare at the sterilized frame around my mirror. It used to hold a picture of Jason riding a bull on the left and a picture of us from my cousin’s wedding on the right. All of it gone, with one swipe of Julia’s little hand. I remember her complete intolerance for infidelity. It was the cause of her parents’ ugly divorce, and even eight years later she still cannot forgive the indiscretion.

“No,” I say, still eyeing the room. “It was thoughtful of you.”

“I didn’t throw anything away. I wanted to but didn’t think it was my place. I boxed it all up and put it on the top shelf of the linen closet.”

I glance numbly at Julia and take a long drag of the joint.

J
enn and I invite Clint over for dinner on Saturday night. I figure he already knows I’m home and I want to make sure he keeps it quiet. I also want him to do some work on my house. It’s only a small part of me that’s in desperate need of repairs. It is the only part I can subcontract out, though, so remodeling it is. We make homemade pizzas and a big salad. Clint shows up all smiles. He’s either really high or thinks he’s been invited to a threesome. Hopefully he won’t be too disappointed. I give Clint a tour of the house and tell him some of the things I’d like to do, including turning Sean’s old bedroom into a library, redoing the kitchen and the master bedroom, and all the baths. Clint has some great ideas for built-in bookcases in Sean’s room and promises to start on an estimate tomorrow.

We eat on the back deck and talk about moving home as the sun sets crimson in the sky. Clint has the advantage of never having left Salem County, so he doesn’t know any different. Jenn is never coming home, and I find myself here under duress. We smoke the joint Clint brought with him and I think,
Red sky at night, sailor’s delight,
as the day disappears.

“You know, I was shocked when you and Leer first got together. It just seemed to come out of nowhere,” Clint says. I stay still, not releasing the sky, not wanting to remember that day. “Do you still talk to him?” Clint is sweet, but I may have to kill him.

“No. I don’t even talk about him.” I smile at Clint to take the sting out of my words.

“Oh, sorry.”

I don’t bother to say it’s fine, or no worries, because it’s not fine and he should worry.

“Hey, do you want to go camping sometime? I’m thinking about getting a group together before it gets too cold.” Clint attempts an easier subject.

“I could be convinced to go camping.” Maybe a bear will eat me or a hunter will shoot me.

Clint’s presence softens the blow of Jenn’s departure, but I still throw myself on my bed and cry when I close the door behind them. Like Margo leaving on Wednesday, it’s as if my lifeline’s been pulled. They filled my days, my nights, and my heart, and now they’ll be miles and time zones away while I return to hell.

“Hell is only getting to see you one weekend a month,” Jason says as he sits up next to me. “Can’t you do your senior year at Oklahoma?”

I roll over and straddle him, completely naked. Jason places his palms on the top of each of my thighs and stares at me, waiting for an answer. We sit eye to eye for a long, silent moment.

“Are you trying a Jedi mind trick on me?” I ask as he takes his thumb and strokes me.

“Your mind would not be my first point of offense.”

With his thumb keeping a perfect rhythm, he pulls my face toward him and kisses me hard on the lips. He pulls back slightly and I try to catch my breath as his thumb, his incredible thumb, keeps going around and around. I don’t look up and he kisses me again, separating my lips and forcing his tongue into me at the exact time his two fingers enter me, his thumb still stroking.

I’m throbbing and panting and completely his. He pulls his face away a few millimeters to tell me, “This could be every day,” and kisses me again. My heartbeat quickens as he reaches his other hand up and pulls my nipple. The sweet pain triggers my release.

“I love you,” he says. “Annie, I love you. Please pick up the phone.”

I open my eyes, out of breath and sweating. I barely make out the remainder of his message on my new answering machine. I focus on breathing. Is it possible for a man to give me an orgasm without even being here? Without me being awake?

Will he always own me?