Redeem Me (9 page)

“I think I have to go to the bathroom,” I whisper to Julia.

“I think I’m going to hook up with Tony,” she whispers back. We both giggle. I should be high every day. This is awesome.

“All right. We’ll meet you guys at Queens. I don’t know how long it’s going to take to get out of here.”

Rob pulls his seat up so I can climb out into the rain, which has now steadied to a pour. As he’s shutting the door, I hear him say, “That was Sinclair,” and I make a run for the porta-potties. There’s some brighter sky over the Raritan River. We have another hour until sunset but the temperature will drop fast this time of year. By the time I get back to the car, the rain’s only a drizzle and they’re again passing the one-hitter. What’s one more…?

Queens is packed. Rob surveys the bar but can’t find anyone. Sydney texts that she’s partying at the Rail with some new friends. It’s crowded and I can barely move. I’m grateful Rob has cornered me; he forms a jersey wall around me, preventing people from stepping on me.

“This crowd is killing my buzz,” Rob yells to Julia and me. Tony is about five feet away, trapped in a serious conversation with some girl. “Let’s get out of here.” Rob goes to collect him, and Julia asks if I’m into Rob.

“He’s okay in that ‘nice but on steroids’ kind of way.” Julia knows exactly what I mean. “I’m not hooking up with him if that’s what you’re asking.”

We peel ourselves out of the bar and walk toward Rob and Tony’s house. More beers, more smoking, more music, more laughing. After thirteen hours, it’s starting to hit me. By the looks of Rob, it has coldcocked him. He’s dozing off and I try to figure out how to get back to the hotel. I can crash here, but Rob’s asleep on the couch. If I get in his bed, he’ll follow me for sure. I try to think straight and get lost in the music.

I close my eyes and don’t bother to open them when the door opens. “Charlotte.”

I turn my head to the side and see the most tormented face on Noble Sinclair I’ve ever seen. Noble should never look this way. He’s my happy Noble, my happiness. I close my eyes again.

“Charlotte,” he says, this time louder and in my ear. His breath is hot on my neck and I want him to lie down with me.

“Noble?” The music is deafening. “Oh, Noble, I’m so glad you’re here.” Noble makes everything better. I start to fall asleep again.

“Charlotte, let’s get out of here.”

The last thing I remember is Noble picking me up, and me wrapping my arms around his neck and resting my face on his shoulder. His wonderful shoulder.

My head hurts and I try to force out the pain with a hand pressing on each side. Jason is rubbing my back and saying, “I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. It just happened. We fell in love.” I release my head from my hands and look up to see him. My beautiful Jason with his arm around Stephanie and they’re holding a baby that is blue and lifeless. Stephanie is crying and I scream.

I wake up as every muscle in my body tenses. I inhale deeply and realize I’m draped over someone.

“Are you okay?” Noble asks as he raises his head.

“Oh, Noble. Thank goodness it’s you.” I close my eyes to keep from crying and rest my head back on his chest.

“Were you expecting Rob?”

“Rob? No.” There’s a dull ache near my hairline that throbs behind my eyes. I can’t remember the end of my night.

“What time is it?” Noble sits up. He steadies me with his arm, still balancing me on top of him as he rises. “It’s nine twenty.”

I look down and realize I’m wearing the pajamas I brought.

“Did we—” I interrupt my own question, trying to compile the fragments that are floating around in my head.

“No.” He’s amused. “When I make love to you, you’ll remember every minute of it,” he adds more seriously.

How the hell is it that I wake up and start talking to Noble about making love? Seriously, is life not confusing enough? Noble’s completely comfortable. He’s naked, talking about sex. I never sit around naked and talk about sex with Julia.

I ignore his promise and stand up as the pain stabs behind my eyes.

“How did I get changed?”

“You did it. I offered to help, but you insisted on doing it yourself.”
Oh, thank God
. “In front of me.”

I turn purple as I reach up to touch my bare breast under my shirt. My hand darts down in search of my absent underwear beneath my shorts.

“And you were right, I love the mermaid tail. I can’t believe you never showed me before,” he says, and leans down to kiss my forehead as he heads to the bathroom. He’s completely naked. My mouth is hanging open and I’m gasping for air. He’s beautiful. Noble has slept in my bed dozens of times at Rutgers, but never naked. Just friends; we were best friends. Never…ever…naked. My heart races. I am such an idiot. I can just imagine me showing Noble my tattoo as if it’s a greeting card my grandmom sent.

I jump as the sound of my ringing cell phone startles me.

“Hello,” I say, still trying to see Noble in the bathroom.

“Charlotte, it’s me.” Julia’s voice is raspy.

I finally stop trying to cop a look. “Hey, Julia.”

“Where are you?” she whispers.

“What’s wrong with your voice?” I ask.

“I don’t know. Listen, have you talked to Violet?” She sounds so serious, I’m frightened.

“No, why? What happened? Is she all right?”

“She’s engaged.”

Ka-boom
.

There it is—love, joy, and marriage.

“Charlotte, I’m sorry. Blake proposed last night on the steps of Kirkpatrick Chapel. She’s probably going to announce it at breakfast and I wanted to give you a heads-up so—”

“So I don’t make a scene or burst into tears, or is that the scene you’re talking about?”

Noble walks out of the bathroom and dives onto the bed. I turn toward the window, seeking some privacy.

“Where is she?”

“They stayed at Blake’s parents’ last night but I think she’s going to text everyone about breakfast at Le Peep.”

“What do you think I should do?” I glance back and Noble is watching me intently.

“I don’t know. I’m sure she’s worried about you, but she’s also on cloud nine. It won’t be easy.”

“Okay. Let me think about this.” I go over to the bed and Nestea Plunge onto it. “Thanks for calling. Where are you?”

“We’ll talk later.” She dismisses me, and the subject of Tony.

“All right. Bye.”

I press end and turn toward Naughty Noble. He’s lying under the covers, leaning up on one elbow.

“What’s up?” he asks as he slides me back to lie next to him.

“Violet and Blake got engaged last night.” I absently play with my hair as I try to sort out my feelings.

“How do you feel about that?” he asks.

“I feel like everyone who hears Violet and Blake got engaged last night is going to ask how Charlotte’s handling it. And that makes me crazy.”

“Er,” he says, and I look up at him, confused.

“Crazi
er
,” he restates, enunciating for meaning.

I can’t help but laugh at him. “Yes, of course. It makes me crazi
er
.” Noble stays deadpan, which makes me laugh even harder.

“She’s going to text us to go to breakfast and make the big announcement.” I sigh.

“Good timing. I’m hungry.”

“Well, this is mainly about when you’re eating, so that’s good,” I say as he absently plays with my hair. As if we’re on a long bus ride to a faraway field trip in middle school. But he’s still naked. I try not to let it affect me.

“It’ll be hard, but not impossible,” he says gently.

“I know. And fifteen years from now I don’t want to think I ruined her day, but I just want to go home,” I selfishly admit.

“I’ll help you. In fact, if you want, I’ll help you shower,” he says with a corrupt grin.

For a second I forget about the wedding announcement.

My phone dings with a text from Violet:

CAN YOU GUYS DO BREAKFAST TODAY?

LE PEEP AT 10:30? WOULD LOVE TO

SEE YOU! :)

I hate the happy face, or is it happy faces? Oh wait, I remember, I hate myself. I show the phone to Noble and bite my lip, contemplating.

“Ask them to pick us up,” he says.

It’s a wise idea. Let her tell me first, away from the crowd.

“You’re a genius,” I say, and text back. I immediately receive:

WE’LL BE THERE IN TWENTY. LOVE YOU.

I take a deep breath and head to the shower. Noble grabs my wrist and pulls me back onto the bed. I look up at my admirable friend. “You can do this. You’re a good friend.”

“I was just thinking the same thing about you.” I give him a tiny smile because he deserves it more than I do and head to the bathroom.

Jason and I had been to only one wedding together and it was one of my favorite nights with him. I loved when we dressed up, but Jason was always more comfortable in jeans. Unlike formals at Rutgers where Jason never fit in, the wedding was in South Jersey. It was my cousin Sandy’s wedding and my family was enchanted by his rodeo and ranching stories. The reception was in the parish center across the street from the church. We left a little early, unable to keep our hands off each other, and I climbed on top of him in the parking lot. When we got home that night, Jason made me promise I’d marry him someday, that we’d be together forever.

I stop crying and sniff as I hear the bathroom door open.

“Hey, I was thinking maybe I could be clean for breakfast, too.”

I turn the water off and reach out of the curtain for a towel. I wrap myself up and step out to Noble’s waiting grin.

“I think we’d all appreciate that,” I say as I slide past him, leaving him alone in the bathroom.

“Are you ready?” he asks as I finish brushing my hair. I pick up my hoodie and it has something red dried all over it. I scrape it.

“Candle wax?” I say as I examine it more closely.

“Here, wear this,” Noble says as he throws me his hoodie. I put it on and zipper it to my neck. It’s warm and comfortable, exactly like its owner.

“Now I’m ready.” I take a deep breath and let it out.

Noble grabs my hand and we start to walk out of our hotel room. Holding his hand makes me uncomfortable. Jason wouldn’t approve; Noble was always a sore subject. Even though I hate Jason, it’s a line I’m not ready to cross. I pull it back.

“You know, it’s okay for us to hold hands. We’ve done it a hundred times before.” He pushes the elevator button.

“It feels different now,” I protest.

“That’s okay, too.”

I raise my eyes and meet his gaze, but I can’t deal with Noble possibilities knowing Violet is sitting in a car downstairs, engaged.

S
ydney is a laser beam fixed on November eleventh. She is not letting the idea of a celebration go, not letting me hide from our “special day.” She’s called almost every day since Homecoming with options, none of which were appealing. Our birthday falling on a Wednesday this year is absolutely no deterrent to her. She moves the celebration to Saturday night and includes the threat of a surprise party if I try to cancel. The pre-party is at Julia’s and my apartment in New York City before meeting the usual suspects at a club downtown. I asked Noble if Julia invited him to make sure I showed up, but he reminded me he’s celebrated Sydney’s and my birthday the last four years. He called himself an honorary member of 108 Hamilton Street, our off-campus house at Rutgers.

Noble and I take the train since I’ve amassed enough Amtrak miles to go anywhere for free. Noble lets me board first and I select two seats together facing the same way the train’s traveling. Noble and I each have a backpack and a parka, but we easily have enough room in our double. He puts the armrest up between us, making the seats seem even cozier.

“Are you excited about your birthday?” he asks.

“More like apprehensive. You know how these things end up. It’s like a birthday celebration on crack since it’s Sydney and me. Sydney alone would be enough.”

He truly does know. Last year we almost got into a brawl when Sydney dismounted from her bar-top dance into the arms of a guy whose girlfriend was standing next to him. The girl was so unimpressed she dumped her drink on Sydney while she was still in his arms. It all went downhill from there. In Sydney’s defense he did take his time putting her down.

“I’m sure everyone will be on their best behavior.” Noble half laughs as he says it, knowing there’s a slim chance. “I have something for you,” he says.

“Ah, man. Seriously? Please tell me it’s not a present.”

“It is. It’s a birthday present and you’re going to graciously open it and thank me for it.”

He pulls out a large, soft package from his backpack. It’s wrapped in newspaper, the Sunday comics. I study him holding the present. How can Noble be so utterly adorable and still single?

“Open,” he orders.

“Okay, okay.” I unwrap the comics, and inside is a Rutgers hoodie matching my favorite one I ruined at Homecoming.

“I know candle wax is hard to get out,” he offers.

“How do you know that?” I ask him accusingly. I hug the hoodie before dropping it in my lap to hug Noble. “I love it. Thank you.” My lips brush his neck and I almost kiss him. He’s kindhearted; surely my lips know that, too. I tilt my head to nuzzle in closer and remember it’s Noble. And this can’t happen.

I don’t pull away and Noble says, “You’re very welcome.”

The party has already started when we arrive and the girls are clearly ready for a celebration. Noble and I stash our bags in my room and go out to the living room for a drink before we get ready. As we catch up with the crowd, Violet and Blake arrive and the guys decide to give us all some time alone and head to the bar early. Julia and I begin peppering Violet with questions about the upcoming engagement party and what she’ll have us wear in the wedding. Sydney quickly bores of the entire topic.

“Charlotte, are you finally going to put Nick out of his misery and have sex with him?” Sydney asks. Only Sydney can ask questions like this, in her matter-of-fact way, and make it sound like an inquiry about the weather.

“No, I’m not. Why don’t you have sex with him?” I retort.

“I’m going to if I can get him to take his eyes off you for a minute.”

I smile, but my chest tightens at the thought of Sydney and Noble together. One night would be tolerable, but if they start dating I’ll be lost. It’s a mix of jealousy and need that makes me sick. I don’t want Noble. He’s only a replacement for Jason. But without Jason in the picture, things are suddenly complicated with Noble. I don’t want to lose him. He’ll start dating someone soon, though. I’m not going to keep him around with my sparkling personality, especially considering how sweet I’ve been the past few months. I put the whole notion aside. For all I know, Noble is already dating someone at home. They probably celebrated her birthday yesterday. It’s not like I’ve asked him.

Eventually, the boys call Violet’s cell, looking for us. We swallow the last of our drinks as we hurriedly finish getting ready. I change into the off-white, short sweater dress from my backpack but keep my cowboy boots on. The dress has a scoop neck and long sleeves and might be a tad boring if not for the fact that it’s just this side of see-through. If Jason were here, this dress would surely not be. We hail a cab and pull up in front of the bar where a long line has already formed out front. Sydney tells security it’s both our birthdays, and after checking our IDs, they send us to the front and tell the bouncer at the door not to charge us. Sydney explains our big day to the hostess, who takes us to the VIP section. So much for a low-key night. Violet texts Blake and the guys waste no time meeting us at our table. We order vodka, rum, and Jack Daniel’s from the bottle service menu, and everyone is poured a double shot of vodka to officially begin the birthday celebration.

“To Sydney and Charlotte, two of the greatest friends a girl, or boy, could ask for. Happy birthday, ladies,” Julia toasts us.

I throw the shot right over my shoulder and smile as the others finish theirs. It’s going to be a long night; best not to start it with shots.

I mix my first drink and see Sydney and Noble talking. If they keep this up, I’m going to need a shot. Noble looks up and sees me staring. I smile, hoping it conveys permission. I’ve depended on him so much lately, but I don’t want to get in the way of him being happy. And I love Sydney. Hopefully I still will after tonight.

I turn away and walk to the railing above the dance floor. The DJ is playing a crazy mix of house music and hip-hop, and it’s impossible to stand still. The dance floor is filling already even though it’s barely eleven o’clock.

“Care to dance?”

I’m not even sure where he came from, but he looks good. I glance over his shoulder and see Sydney laughing at something Noble’s said. He’s charming the pants off her. According to Sydney, that won’t take much effort. According to Noble, that’s common.

“Sure,” I say, and allow this guy to lead me onto the dance floor. He not only looks good, but he’s also a decent dancer. Violet and Julia join us and they begin to house my new friend. I’ll bet he had no idea we come as a threesome. They twirl him around and sandwich him. They are unruly but hilarious. I let Julia know I’m going for a refill and make my way upstairs again. Sydney and Noble are missing, so my timing is perfect. I mix a Jack and Coke, heavy on the Jack. I’m already tired of the hoopla. Violet’s bachelorette party will be easier. She’s much better equipped to be the center of attention. I pick up my purse and grab my phone. There are two texts on the screen.

IN CASE YOU ARE WONDERING, I

AM NOT INTERESTED IN HOOKING

UP WITH SYDNEY.

And then…

I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU

RETURNED THE FAVOR REGARDING YOUR

NEW FRIEND.

Relief flows through me. Why? He should be with Sydney, or someone else. What are we doing? I text back without thinking:

You should hook up with Sydney.

You are both aces with me.

I hope he argues with me. I disgust myself. Noble is one of my best friends. He’s going to fall in love with someone. Someone else. Why is this all of a sudden a problem? This is what desperation and loneliness have done to me. I am selfish. I retreat to the dance floor. It’s wall-to-wall people now; everyone is bumping and grinding together. The Jack is starting to sink in and I raise my hands above my head, moving to the hypnotic beat. As I’m shaking my rump, someone comes up behind me and puts a hand on each hip, moving in unison with me. I take my time turning around. I may as well enjoy it before I beat the poor guy off me.

When I do turn, Noble pulls me in close and moves his hands to my backside. Startled, I start to back up and he draws my arms to his neck, the entire time moving to the music. Noble’s blue eyes entrance me as I let one hand drop to his chest, his broad, perfectly taut chest, and the other moves through his hair at the bottom of his head. The sensation of touching Noble is confusing me. The music dulls to a single throbbing drum and the lights pulse in harmony, and I twirl his hair around my fingers with the motion of a slow gear. My breathing slows and I’m not sure it hasn’t stopped when he leans down and says, “Happy birthday, Charlotte,” in my ear.

I tilt my head in response, my body telling Noble things I’ll never say. I’m hot and confused and lost in his arms. There’s no doubt in my mind that I want Noble right now. I pull back and the satisfaction on Noble’s face tells me there’s no doubt in his mind what I want either.

This
cannot happen.

I pull away from him, searching for some distance. He lets me go, wisely sensing my determination. “I’m going to get another drink.” I motion behind me toward our table.

“Okay,” he says, but he still looks like he’s won a silent debate.

I try to organize my thoughts as I make my way through the crowd. What am I doing with Noble? More important, what the hell is he doing with me? To me? We’re going to have to have some kind of talk and I’m still emotionally drained from August. I’ve settled in nicely to my role as a selfish taker, but it’s no fun doing it to Noble.

Sydney and Julia come back to the table and I sit down between them, insulating myself from any further male contact. They both proceed to crack me up telling me about work, dating in Manhattan, and their ideas for Violet’s bachelorette party, my favorite of which is a trip where we all get tattoos. We double over laughing when we realize we took that trip last year on spring break.

Across the room I see Renee from my office talking to a guy in his late twenties. I get her attention with a little wave and she beelines it toward me.

“What the holy fuck are you doing here?”

Holy fuck…really? Is nothing sacred?

“I’m celebrating my birthday.”

“Without Renee?” she asks, stomping her foot. “I’m more fucking fun than a mute hooker at the Super Bowl.”

What does that even mean?

“I’m here with my college friends. One of my roommates and I have the same birthday. Come say hi. Julia’s here.”

“Oh, don’t stress. I still fucking love you, you dumb whore. I’m charming this dumbass, though. I have to get back.” Renee gives me a hug and my face is again engulfed in her signature boob sandwich.

The girls and I go dance some more, and I don’t see Noble again for at least an hour. I start to think he’s left, but he resurfaces at the other end of the bar. He’s on his way toward me right as something hits me hard and I fly off the dance floor. I slide a few feet and stop dead, a piercing pain hitting the side of my head. I look up and I’m somehow under a high-top table on the side of the dance floor. The heavy wooden stool that I just hit my head on falls over and covers my legs. I grab my head and curl up in a ball. Two girls I don’t know are standing above me saying something, but I can’t hear them above the music. People are running and pushing, and my head feels like it’s cut. I keep touching it, looking for blood. Sydney comes into focus above me. Noble is by my side, lifting me to my feet.

“Charlotte, are you okay?” He’s searching my face as I glance from side to side, trying to absorb the chaos. Noble’s pushed from behind as enormous bouncers try to tear guys off one another. My hands land on his chest, instinctively shielding myself, and he takes a step back but still holds me with his eyes.

Two bouncers are pulling someone out by the neck, dragging his feet behind him toward an emergency exit, and I swallow hard as the crowd disperses from their path. My head is still throbbing and in my peripheral vision I see people everywhere around Noble. I can hear them yelling and a sharp bang in the distance as more furniture is overturned, but I stay safely under Noble’s gaze.

“I want to go home,” I say without allowing thoughts to invade our isolation.

“Don’t let go of my hand,” Noble says in my good ear, and grabs my hand tightly in his. He leads us through the crowd, glancing back every few steps to check on me. When we get to the lobby of the club and can finally walk next to each other, Noble puts his arm around my waist and we walk out the front door. He hails a cab and we’re on our way home. I grab my head; the pain is still there, as if a knife is stuck in the side of it.

“What happened?” I manage.

“Let me see your head.” He leans forward and gently moves my hand. My fingers are stained red. We both see it, but Noble stays calm. “Can you take us to the nearest hospital?” he asks the driver.

The cabdriver looks at us in the rearview mirror and nods, satisfied I’m not going to die or expel anything in his car.

“I don’t want to go to the hospital. I think the bleeding’s stopped,” I say, and add to the driver, “Norfolk and Delancey, please.”

“Charlotte, you have a head injury. You’re going to the hospital.”

“Can we just go home first? We’ll take a look at it in the light and if it’s bad I’ll go without any arguments. I promise!” I plead with him. “It’s my birthday.”

My phone dings but I have no idea where it is. Noble hands me my little gold bag. It’s Julia:

WHERE ARE YOU GUYS? R U ALRIGHT?

BLAKE SAID HE SAW YOU GET WIPED OUT

WHEN THE FIGHT BROKE OUT.

I’m fine. Hit my head on something.

Noble is taking me home.

I’LL BET HE IS. WE’RE GOING TO

BERNARD’S ON 47TH IF YOU WANT

TO COME BY AFTER.

After what? I’m done for the night.

:)

When we get to the apartment, Noble leads me straight to the bathroom, where he says the light is better. He puts the toilet lid down and motions for me to sit on it. I do as I’m told, still on my best behavior to avoid the hospital. He tilts my head so my injured side is facing the light and begins to gently push the hair away from the cut. Based on the throbbing pain in my head, I hit the stool right behind my ear. I guess I’m lucky my ear wasn’t torn off.