Regeneration X (21 page)

Maybe he didn’t seem cross to Becks, but doesn’t everyone put up a front for the rest of the world? It’s not like he’d come out screaming at her. He wouldn’t come out yelling at anyone. He doesn’t get irate he gets sullen. Once you know the signs to look for, he’s easy to read. I have my own signs to go by; if he wasn’t angry, he could have called me. I haven’t had one missed call from him.

Out of curiosity, I asked Becks if Michael had actually requested an update or whether it was just how the conversation went. She said he didn’t really ask, he implied the question by saying, “I trust things are going well over there.”

Anyway, I relayed a few of the antics of my dates with Parker they hadn’t already heard. Particularly the “I’ll say yes if you ask me out,” part and the awkward end-of-the-night kiss on the first date. Luckily, the past couple of times I was able to shirk the moment easy enough.

We’ll probably keep going out, but I haven’t come away from any of our outings with a fluttering in my stomach. No doubt, Parker is dashing, but perhaps it was the mere mention of ‘A’ levels, (which are the high school standardized tests for college entrance in England) or the fact that, although he lived in the campus dorms, on breaks he lives with his parents and is still supported by them. I’m mainly supported by a bigger entity, namely the United States government by way of my FES, but at least I don’t live with my parents. The absent flutterings could also mean I do love Michael this way still. I believe I am well on my way to figuring the mystery out, although it’s disturbing that I don’t miss him in that way. I should.
 

On to the next. I’ve finally gotten to a point where I don’t feel like a complete outsider in this foreign place, but I’m still on the fence about coming clean to my friends. It’s difficult to carry on this way. I know I will never build close relationships when I’m relating with only a third of my life.

My current identity is completely jacked, along with the romantic visions I had of being European. I’m still just an American in Europe. I wonder if it would be insane to take English accent lessons. Youth is excused almost anything, and luckily for me, I’m also going to be an actress. I could get really good at the British accent and put ‘does an exceptional American Accent’ on my CV.

Acting has so many advantages! Another will be when I play a character who has some spunk. She will say things to people that wouldn’t be very nice if the real me says them. Hmmm, maybe this is why some actors are such pricks—they think they are characters. It’s not impossible that I end up with multiple personalities. I think this qualifies part of me as a character. And once I get past myself, I will own it!

Not long after our private celebration, I made an appointment with Dr. Baum via video conference. It was nice to hear his rational voice again. I hadn’t spoken to him since the day before I left Seattle. I almost considered him a friend, but he was always rather stoic. Besides, friendships are usually reciprocal and I didn’t know anything about him except in the professional capacity. But in this regard, I didn’t feel our relationship was strictly professional, either.

I felt at ease speaking with him now; far removed from the initial apprehensions I had. After relaying a few examples of confusion, which caused unease to say the least, I basically told him I was starting to feel I was actually going crazy. A few minutes later I reached a point of clarity when he advised the best way to move forward was for me to be myself—my whole, real, past, present self. Some things change and some remain the same. I felt I was granted permission, and somehow all of the back and forth I’d been going through, to tell or not to tell, was now moot. My initial apprehension of revealing my private affairs to strangers was also no longer a valid reason.

We also talked about Michael and the life I left behind. Dr. Baum asked if I had any regrets on this front, and I told him how Michael and I had left our relationship unresolved. He asked me, “Is there a reason why you have not spoken with him since? Do you not want to?”

I replied, “It’s childish this should be the reason, but I haven’t
purposely
called him yet because he hasn’t called or tried to contact me since my first message. His text felt a little dismissive. After that, I called him few times, but hung up after the first ring or two.”

“Charley, it is conceivable Michael believes he is giving you the space to find yourself. I wouldn’t look into it any further than this. You left, he did not,” he said bluntly.

“Right. I know I left, but it wasn’t because I wanted to leave him. I know he understands this. I think he’s mad, but we’ll have to get past it. I’ll call him. Thank you for once again helping me to unravel the mess I’ve made,” I said with a wonky grin.

“It is becoming quite obvious you are a drama student,” he said with his playfully attractive grin. “It’s not a mess, it’s a process. I can understand why you chose to keep your Renovation to yourself at the beginning. The need for it has passed. Just take it a day at a time and be yourself.”

Feeling steady again, I called Michael soon after getting off the phone with Dr. Baum. It was around ten o’clock in the evening here so it would be around two o’clock in the afternoon in Seattle. He would be in class. The best I could do this time was leave a message. “Hi. It’s me, Charley. I know you’re at work, so just leaving this message to let you know I’ll try again tomorrow when you’re home. It will be in the middle of the night here when you get this message, so no need for you to call. I’ll just try to reach you at around 7 a.m. your time. By the way, I miss you.”

I tried again the next afternoon. I was more nervous this time. The phone rang. If he doesn’t pick up, it’s because he doesn’t want to. I decided, if this was the case, I’d wait for him to call me.

“Hi Michael,” I said. In the instant before he spoke, even though I could see his face, I silently hoped and prayed he wouldn’t be distant.

“Rhur uf ruhrf! Nnn nnn nnn,” Fergus barked and squeaked in the background having recognized my voice.

“Charley, Hi. I’ve been waiting for you to call. What took you so long?” Michael said looking and acting as normal as ever. Well, not appearing the same; he looked fabulous and younger. Becks was right. Nostalgically, I saw the man I married. We could be the same people once again, couldn’t we, I wondered. I wish I was around to see the pep come back to him. It would at least have been nice to share the feeling,

“I’ve called a few times. I’m sorry,” I said sheepishly.

“The first time you called, it didn’t even ring once before you’d hung up. I knew it was you, but you left no message.”

“I don’t know why. I got nervous. Then the longer I waited it became harder and, honestly, I started thinking you were a little mad. I wasn’t exactly sure how we’d left it.”

“I’m not mad, and wasn’t. Not at all. Any impression I gave you was probably me being selfish. I have years of experience.”

Uh, kill me with kindness why don’t you. “You did nothing. Considering I hadn’t spoken to you, it was my own invention. Why didn’t you call me?”

“When you didn’t leave a message … I don’t think either of us was ready to have a casual conversation just then. I thought this was more of an ordeal for you than me, and it was probably best if I gave you a little time to get situated.”

“Hmm. That’s what Dr. Baum said.”

 
“So, how are things going there?” he asked.

“Finally getting settled in, we found a nice flat just about a month ago,” I held up my phone and walked around the apartment to panorama the place for him. “It’s small, but suits us just fine. This is my room. We stayed with Nina and Aunt Joy longer than I intended, but I don’t think we overstayed. They invited us back if things don’t work out here.”

“Looks cozy. Did your aunt lend you some furniture or did you have to it buy all?”

“We rented it furnished.”

“That was a stroke of luck.”

“I know!

“And how’s school going? Is your program everything you thought it would be?”

“Yeah, the school itself is great and the program as well. Classes are a lot of fun but whoa, even with the extra energy, they’re exhausting,”

“It’s going to take some time. You sat at your desk all day, every day, for too many years. I’m sure it’s a lot more physical exertion than you’re used to. How are Inez and Rebecca?”

“They’re doing well. Becks told us she ran into you last time she was back there. They’re busy launching Chambre avec Vue, take two. Even though they’ve done it once already, there is still so much that needs doing—all the logistics of setting up a business before they can get to
doing
business. As a matter of fact, only recently they come across a location they think will be a good fit. They’re working on the lease agreement now.”

“Have they done a market study to see if it will be worth it in the long run?” Michael asked seeming genuinely interested.

“Oh yeah, they’ve been crunching numbers, surveying the competition and consumer demand, and all that stuff. As much as my friends are awesome, you know Inez wouldn’t go ahead with anything that didn’t make sense,” I said knowingly. “But, Becks is getting restive leaving the shop in Seattle to Lindsey. She’s decided she’s going to run the one there once they’ve gotten everything sorted here. I think she likes the idea of going solo. If it turns out, they’ll be signing the lease in the next couple of days and then Becks’ll be returning your way.”

“Sounds like a good solution. I can pick her up at the airport if she needs. Make sure she lets me know when—text or call, whichever.”

“I’ll do that, she’ll be happy to hear it. I want you to visit. Any chance of that soon?”

“Wait, didn’t they sublet their house? Where is she going to stay? We have plenty of spare rooms here if she needs a place to crash for a while,” Michael asked looking contemplative.

“Not necessary. That’s all sorted. The tenant in the garden apartment is going to stay put and they didn’t find someone to sublease the main floors before we left, so now it doesn’t matter,” I explained. “Seems to me you’ve gotten the hang of the mundane details, though?” I said referring to Michael’s history of purposeful ignorance for all things administrative.

“Don’t worry, all the bills get paid—and on time. I’ve made a calendar to keep me organized. Everything is fine. I’m a new man.”

I laughed. “So, how about that visit?”

“Let’s give it a while longer. Seems you just got settled, and I want you to have some time to get more comfortable. How’s that sound? We could aim for summer. Don’t get me wrong, I want to see you, but this was a big thing we did, and I just don’t want anything to get in the way. You’re in the midst of discovering yourself and so am I,” Michael replied, his face revealing no ulterior motive.

“Perfect. How are you doing with your Renovation?”

“I have no wrinkles,” he said exaggerating a smile so that I could see his wonderful eye creases could still be induced. “It’s rather great to have the extra stamina, too. Fergus and I have picked up the pace on our morning run now, but I’ve had to shorten it. He’s getting old, poor Shaggy. Other than this, not much else has changed,” he said, tilting his screen downward so I could catch a glimpse of the gorilla.

“How about your students do they still take you seriously?”

“Oh right. Not sure why I ever thought it was going to be a problem. I have new students every semester. I only had to deal with my teaching assistants and colleagues but there again, it wasn’t so bad. Mine wasn’t as extreme as yours was. How’s this all going for you?”

“It’s tough sometimes. Most times, actually. The only times I don’t feel loopy is when I’m with Inez and Becks. I’ve been playing the role of my younger self, so … getting applicable acting experience practically 24-7. No, really, it’s been all right. I just have to come to terms with who I want to be and how much acting I really want to do. I’ve chosen it as a career, but it was supposed to be separate from my private life.”

“You’ll figure it out, but you seem the same to me if it helps. Not
quite
loopy,” Michael said punctuating the comments with a grin and a spiraling finger gesture beside his temple.

“Aw, thanks.”

“Speaking of strange behaviors, just after you left Old Man Poplar started to look peaky. His color has changed and there are splotchy patches on his bark. He’s also looking a little bit droopy; I think it’s some kind of blight because I didn’t see any critters. I called some tree people and they took samples of the bark and roots. They haven’t given me a diagnosis yet. It’s just odd.”

“Oh no! I hope they can figure out what’s wrong. The tree was the reason we bought the house,” I said sadly, as if Michael didn’t know this already. “Okay, well, I’ll call you again next week, same day, same time?”

“Works for me. Good night Chachi,” Michael bid using an endearment for me he hadn’t used in a long time. The nickname was derived from Scott Baio’s character on the old TV show
Happy Days
. Of course, I didn’t look anything like the character. It just flowed easy off the tongue, sounded cute, and wasn’t too far from “Charley.” Since he likened me to a man, I had threatened once that I was going to start calling him “Joanie,” but apart from being funny, it made no sense at all.

“Have a good night yourself,” I said softly, thinking it was probably better if I didn’t call him by his real, rather suggestive nickname—another something which hadn’t been vocalized in ages.

Chapter Nineteen

Young in limbs, in judgment old.

—William Shakespeare,
The Merchant of Venice (2.7)

・
・
・

PARKER AND I HAVE BEEN SEEING ONE another much more, but I have yet to enlighten him. I’m hesitant because his acquaintance has been an effective channel for me into the city and its society. The simple fact of deciding to reveal my alter ego is, in itself, relieving. I am, however looking forward to being my morphed, but complete, self-creation. Especially as I can’t say, whether or not, I enjoy being a typical teenager.

For one, it’s a lot harder than it would seem it should be. Aside from all the tech savviness this generation was born into, there is also this inherent toughness in teens today, which I’m not sure will ever thicken over my own skin. I once precipitately assumed and silently accused Dr. Baum of being traditional, and now find there is actually an old fogey in
my
head.