Regeneration X (6 page)

“It’s hard not to still think of young men as boys at my age. Anyway, Laurens was extraordinary. He was studying to become a marine biologist and told me some day he would live in Australia to be near the Great Barrier Reef. I admired his passion and confidence.

“I had gone to Italy with my boyfriend at the time, Miles. I don’t think Miles had ever felt jealousy before. He had never allowed anyone to get close enough him to have been affected by the green-eyed monster. He enjoyed the concept of sexual freedom when the idea applied to him. He and I soon found that the same philosophy was not so appealing in practice for me.

“He said Laurens wasn’t just
any
guy. He actually referred to Laurens as his nemesis. I always thought it was more along the lines of Laurens’ Moriarty to Miles’ Sherlock, but apparently, it was baser than this. Laurens had stolen his girlfriend in fifth grade, and since a childhood crush does not count for much as an adult, he said this was more like competitiveness. He requested that if I was going to experiment at all, I experiment with anyone except Laurens.

“Never before had I considered an
open
relationship could apply to me, it wasn’t my personal philosophy, but at this point I wanted them both. I wasn’t the type back then to let others make and change the rules, at least not unless I had thought it through for myself. So for my part, I had my own choice to make.

“Miles was debonair, a genius on the verge of madness, and profound. Laurens was intriguing, romantic, and somewhat of a dreamer. I flirted with Laurens and the idea, but in the end, I decided it really wasn’t in me. The point is I felt free to make choices and I was young and excited about life,” she concluded her account of those memories. “I had experienced something to make me rethink an idea I had previously cast aside and I still found myself.”

Dr. Baum had been listening attentively. “And would you describe this time in your life as
happy
when compared with your present?”

“Well, happy is as you said, transient, and I define it more as an extended period of joy.
 
I’m a bit wary of using the word—it gets thrown around.

“It wasn’t perfect, but it was consuming. I’d never felt so deeply before and would not again, for a long time, if ever. Miles and I dated for over four years, our relationship deteriorated as we grew distrusting of one another.” Again, she felt drained and wondered why she was so emotional, after all this time.

“Charley, I think we’ve made a very good start. I want you to think about what made you feel so alive when you were with Miles, and specifically, when you met Laurens. Let’s talk about this at our next appointment.

“Also something else for you to think about: could the distrust which ended your relationship have been based on the difference in Miles’ and your own philosophies? Or was it something else?”

She was sure she could provide ready answers now, but she wrote down those questions for careful consideration.

Handing her a yellow pad of paper, he then asked, “In these last few minutes, would you write down briefly your impression of our session today?”

“What do you mean, ‘impression’? If I liked it? If I would return or recommend you to others?”

“No, I should have been clearer. I don’t mean a review so I can post it on my website or social media.

“I meant, your perspective on what we accomplished—or didn’t—today. I realize it’s just the beginning, but even initially, your viewpoint is a helpful to guide any progress or digressions we take in our sessions.”

This explained the handwritten notes the receptionist had been transcribing. Charley was again impressed and pleased. As far as therapists went, Dr. Baum did not conform to stereotypes. He seemed truly interested in his patients, and obviously did not just collect the payment and dismiss them after they walked out of his office.

December 7, 2024

Even if Dr. Baum finds me sick in the head (I’m kidding), I must say I enjoyed the discussion very much. First off, the choice I made in not pursuing anything further with Laurens served only to delay Miles’ and my breakup is an intriguing idea. I imagined the distrust wasn’t linked to that bit of jealously at all, but I see now how it could have begun there.

Aside from this, it’s also become quite plain that I’m boring and unmotivated. It’s not just about the choices I’ve made, it’s about who I’ve allowed myself to become despite those choices. And now my helplessness has become my vice, and it probably affects how I approach life and the risks I’m willing to take.
 

Life’s opportunities have become dull because I have.
 

I guess part of me has known this. I’d terminated some friendships and stopped truly communicating with those few who remained close to me. But is it too late to get my life back? Or is this just another thing that I can’t do anything about now?

All of the relationships I had at the time were strong and deep. I miss that. I miss them—Abby, Henry, Nate, Megan, and June. They’re still my social media profile contacts, but they’ve moved on with their lives, and, while they appear to be having a good life, I don’t know for sure; I don’t really know them anymore. Social media is such a partial view, it’s a self-marketing tool, not unlike to decorating; people post what they want others to see. They are not my HaloYou friends, though.

It’s not that my friendships now are lacking. Inez and Becks are fantastic. I’m different and this makes my relationships different. I don’t have much to offer.

It really all began when I quit my job at Advent Marketing to work for POV. I used to meet people and do social things. So, I keep thinking it has to be my job now. I dug myself a hole and I’ve been standing in it for too long. I know it’s just crumbly dirt, but walls are walls, and I keep to the center in order to stay clean.

But what can I do? Haven’t I tried everything? Let’s see, I’ve applied for other work, researched ways to change POV, I’ve even considered going back to school—getting an MBA, teaching certificates … What else is there? Maybe I need to think bigger and take some drastic measures, instead of looking for something as a fallback. I need to provoke some real change and take a somewhat calculated risk.

Step one, send a connection request to all my ‘friends’ on HaloYou and add a recent virtyou video.

See, I don’t want this, I want things back to the way they were—not virtual anything.

You know what? I don’t think ‘old’ people like me use HaloYou.

Chapter Five

I rather would entreat thy company

To see the wonders of the world abroad,

Than, living dully sluggardized at home,

Wear out thy youth with shapeless idleness.

—William Shakespeare,
The Two Gentlemen of Verona (1.1)

・
・
・

CHARLEY FOUND HERSELF DWELLING ON HER MEETING with Dr. Baum and what she’d written in her journal. Both had produced a new excitement, an inkling of possibility, an ever so fragile realization that she might have some control of her life.
Think bigger. Do I quit my job?
Her job was always the glaring solution and she needed an excuse, something to empower her to get past the biggest downer of them all.

Her rational ego said, “
We have some savings, although, of course, we wouldn’t want to use all of it.
” There was also her retirement plan savings, which they could cash out and use towards anything since a base income was established in 2021 for all U.S. citizens. (For those employed this meant that what they earned from salary or wages was supplemental to the national base income.) Base income ensured there would be no poverty, and any additional earnings allowed individuals to live up to their desired standard of living. Social Security, employer-subsidized retirement, and personal health insurance plans were eliminated so the funds could be reallocated toward the base income benefit—which included completely socialized healthcare as well. All individuals from ages 16 through 75 became employees of the government and were provided with an income at a defined level—stipulated by their age and number of unemployable dependents.

While she considered these logistics, her mom’s supportive voice made its way into her mind,
“It is one thing to be cautious for a rainy day, but another to be a pointless penny pincher.

“You should live for the now, ‘cause when it’s time, you’re not going to take anything material with you, least of all money. None of us know what heaven is really like, but I guarantee, even if there were such a thing as pockets, they’ll be empty or filled with spiritual mist instead.”

Charley and Michael weren’t exactly frugal or self-denying, however they voted with their dollar—always choosing quality over quantity. Hopefully it wasn’t too late to cast a grander vote for herself. Perhaps they could sell the house, travel for a year, and find a new place.
No, Michael wouldn’t want to leave his job. I couldn’t ask him to do this.
Maybe he’d be open to taking a long sabbatical or they could live abroad during summers if he could avoid teaching those terms. This seemed logical, but she’d have to think about what she would do for income if she quit her current job. Opportunities might open up, if she took the plunge.

With these possibilities, she picked up the phone and dialed. “Hi. Are you coming home soon?” She rarely called Michael at the office; he was usually back and forth from lectures and meeting so much he was hard to get ahold of. Somehow, she caught him in those in-between minutes this time. “No, no emergency. I was just thinking about something and wanted to get your opinion.”

・ ・ ・

Charley was the house secretary, just as in an office. She managed the paperwork, took meeting notes, and plied for signatures. She found this tedious, but Michael was much more of a conceptual thinker and didn’t bother himself with details.
 

Once, thinking that it would be best for him at least to be aware should anything happen to her, she asked him to manage their lives for one month. He overpaid one bill, missed payment on another, Fergus’s meds were skipped, and he’d removed a bathroom faucet without having a replacement on hand. To give credit where it’s due however, he was the house custodian. He made all the home repairs, maintained the car, prepared most of their dinners and last, but not least, he wore Fergus out so she could work without incidence of “zoomies”—essentially the phase where Fergus ran around like a mad-thing, running into walls and furniture trying to self-release involuntarily stored energy.

She didn’t mind too much, they had a reliable pattern and Michael was an all-around lovely man. She knew she was lucky and she wanted to do things for him, for them. At the very least, she often thought it was nice not to have to worry about being old and alone. They would always take care of each other; it wasn’t something they ever needed to confirm. She sympathized with her thirty-something colleagues who were single; Inez and Becks were single too.

According to the people she’d spoken with, eligible mates existed and they had no problems having fun for a while, but reaching a point of commitment was more difficult nowadays. When she’d asked why, no one could pinpoint the exact reason. It just was. She suspected technology had much to do with it—not going as far back as the inception of the internet for public use in 1991—but things definitely got weird when the social revolution ensued in the early 2000s. Since then the world had been exponentially changing and society would never be the same.

The latest network was scarier than ever. At one point, everyone had a smart phone. Now a good portion of the population owned a Halo device—a 360 degree headset which recorded the person wearing it and his or her surroundings. The additional factor about a Halo device, which made it unique, was users could record a holographic image of themselves and upload it within a virtual theme. The combination of the projection image and the setting were called virtyou videos. With hundreds of themes available and more being developed every day, it was becoming exceedingly hard to tell what was real on networks such as HaloYou. And thus, meeting someone online remained as precarious as it had been from the start, if not more so. Fortunately, no one Charley actually knew used the Halo technology. If they were on HaloYou at all, they posted plain-old, forward-facing, videos. However, she knew it was happening since she’d been involved in a few articles for
POV
discussing the Halo as the next cyborg implant to become available.
 

Charley counted herself lucky on this score as well. She and Michael had met and fallen in love in a different, easier time for romance—just before the irreversible social chasm was formed. For them, the pieces had fallen together so quickly and the fit was exact. Somehow, it was understood—neither of them was interested in just dating; they had not met in a bar, nightclub or another socially ambiguous place where people meet just to have a good time. She remembered it clearly.

They’d met at the Art Institute of Chicago in the summer of 2006. He was leading a small group lecture on the painting techniques used by the old masters. She was among the group. Two of her friends were meant to join her this particular afternoon but had bailed at the last minute. If they had come, Charley and Michael probably would not have made a connection. She and her friends had gone to lectures together before, but it was their custom to leave right after the lecture. Fortunately, this time, she stayed for the discussion afterward. Michael seemed especially attentive to her. She appreciated his direct gaze when speaking and likewise, instantly attracted to him. She learned early on, he was born in the United States, but was ancestrally English. He looked and acted English, handsome and sedate. These few characteristics were especially appealing, but his smile was what made her feel weak-kneed.

Appearance wise, he didn’t look too different now from how he did back then. He was tall, just over six feet, with an upright posture and lean, but muscular build. He had perpetually ruffled, dark-brown hair, now receding slightly and graying at the temples; kind green eyes ensconced with full groom-worthy eyebrows and eye creases when he smiled, showing straight, bright front teeth with slightly crooked eyeteeth. His nose was angular and thin. Charley thought it the most perfectly attractive nose, as far as a nose can be. Only his full, rosy lips were decidedly un-English.