Reggie & Me (11 page)

I think I may have crossed the line when it comes to normality. I have started talking to Reggie about what’s going on at school. He hasn’t come up with any bright ideas yet but he has given me his paw, rolled over and demanded a tummy rub. I’m not sure if that was a deliberate distraction technique for me but it worked! ‘What would you do in this situation Reggie? Say you had a group of dogs who surrounded you in the park and said some pretty horrible things. Would you stand up to them, hide behind the tree or run away?’ It made me smile and kept me occupied for ages. I am writing an essay for some homework about using pets as therapy. I would love to do that with Reggie but I’m not sure he’s well behaved enough yet. I couldn’t trust him to stay in one place or not be distracted by something he found more interesting. There are people who take their pets to visit people who are sick in hospital and stuff like that. Reggie almost took a man’s walking stick in the park a couple of weeks ago as he must have thought the guy was only using it so he could play. Thankfully I caught him just in time and the man thought he was funny – that could have ended very badly! Maybe hospitals aren’t the place for Reggie to hang out.

When I was doing the research I realised that Reggie has pretty much been my therapy since we moved here. I saw a counsellor for a while after it happened and I think she helped a bit, but Reggie has completely changed my life. I have a purpose and someone who needs me. I have a lot to thank him for and he has been the only real friend I’ve had since it happened. I know that my old friends were still around but it wasn’t the same and since I’ve moved here I’ve been seriously lacking in the friends department. I guess that it might sound really sad but he’s brilliant. I know that Mum is doing her best and she’s working really hard to make sure we can live in this nice house and have
nice things, but she’s not here when I come home after school, Reggie is.

He just loves me. No matter how crappy the day has been (and they really are pretty crappy at the moment), I know that when I walk through the door he’ll be pleased to see me. His tail can cause some serious bruising to the knees but it’s amazing to see how happy he is just because I’m there. If I had to come home to an empty house I think that would push me over the edge. I’d have no reason to leave the house and nothing to motivate me to do anything. Maybe talking to Reggie about what’s happening at school could put me into a ‘crazy’ category, but I don’t care. Who else can I talk to about it? It’s weird to think that I told Mum straight away after the rape but there’s something stopping me telling her about this. Maybe it’s because I know she’s been through so much with me already. I don’t want her to think that she did the wrong thing by us moving here. I don’t want her to worry about me more than she already does. Maybe it’s because I knew that I couldn’t cope by myself before and this time I hope I can figure it out. It’s not like I’m actually in danger or anyone else is in danger. It’s just horrible. Well, it’s more than horrible. I just don’t know what I’d tell her as I think it sounds a bit childish. All they’re doing is whispering and making comments in my direction. Mum would probably just tell me to ignore them – she would be right!

Reggie can’t tell me to do anything though. It’s quite nice in a way as I can talk and talk and talk without him interrupting. He just accepts me exactly as I am. Craziness and everything. When I’m out with Reggie it also means I sometimes get to talk to people. I usually have to apologise for Reggie running up to another dog or jumping all over little dogs, but dog owners are mostly nice people. They seem to understand that he’s a big softy and they are very complimentary about how handsome he is. I know I’m slightly biased but he is the most handsome dog I have ever seen! Reggie’s only goal in life is to make us happy. That’s it
and he does a very good job of it. I think we could learn a lot from that. What if the only reason we got up in the morning was to make someone else happy? What if we were pleased to see absolutely everyone we came into contact with? Maybe not to the extremes that Reggie goes to but just a smile wouldn’t hurt! Wouldn’t the world be a much nicer place? In one of the studies I read, it said that people who own pets are usually happier and healthier than people who don’t. Maybe Nina Devlin doesn’t have any pets and that’s why she’s so horrible! She certainly doesn’t accept people for who they are and definitely isn’t pleased to see anyone. Well, maybe her faithful clique but I haven’t seen her smile at anyone else.

There’s another study that says having a dog helps to reduce blood pressure. That has got to be true! When I come back from school I am really anxious. I’ve been on high alert all day and I can feel my heart beating faster when I see them or even when I think I might see them. It only takes a few minutes of being home with Reggie and I’m calm again. If I was home alone I think I’d carry on working myself up about it and I would be in a real mess. Nobody else can do that for me. I love Mum and feel really lucky that she’s been so amazing but she can’t do what Reggie does. Nobody can.

I feel so completely alone. I dread Mondays as that’s when I know it will all start again. The week just becomes a countdown to Friday. It’s nearly the Christmas holiday and that cannot get here quickly enough. That’s the pattern now, just a weekly countdown and I can’t see a way out of it. It’s like no one cares and I’m pretty sure that no one has noticed. The way they do it is what gets me, they whisper it, they make sure only I can hear them. ‘You lezzer, you dirty dyke’, with Nina starting them off and then the rest of them joining in. I just need to write and get it out of my head as I don’t know what else to do.

I’m embarrassed by what they’re saying as I don’t know what I have done to make them call me a lesbian. They say it as if it’s the worst thing in the world and I just don’t get it. I can see the others laughing and just want to scream, ‘WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?’ but instead I just keep my head down and keep walking. Nina Devlin is the ringleader once again. She started it and her little sheep have followed. They can’t think for themselves and it’s as if they’ll do anything she says just to make sure that it’s not them on the receiving end of her words. They don’t give a second thought to what it does to me. I don’t matter to them.

I go from feeling really angry to really sad. I’m angry that they are doing this and also a little bit angry at myself for not standing up to them. Most of the time I feel sad that I don’t have anywhere to turn. I am still having lunch with Katie, Maya and Callie, but I can’t tell them what’s going on. It’s not like they could do anything to change what’s happening and the lunch break is the only chance I have to think about other things. It’s a relief just to talk about normal stuff without them knowing what’s really happening. I wouldn’t want them to start treating me differently. I also spend every waking moment thinking
about it and enjoy the fact that the lunch break is also a break from my own head. Distraction helps me.

The first time that they said something was as I was leaving the loo after lunch a little while ago. I did my usual avoidance plan and went to the loo just before the lunch break ended. They must have spotted me and were waiting as I came back out onto the path. They just looked at me. At first they didn’t say anything then Nina said, ‘Lezzer,’ in a loud whisper. I think I might have smiled. A tired, worn down half smile. My stomach turned, my heart started beating faster and I was physically shaking, but she did not see that. She was too busy looking around for backup. I wasn’t smiling at what they were saying, but just because I thought that they had reached a new low with this one. Do they want to see me cry? I’m determined not to give them the satisfaction of seeing me upset. Do they want a response from me or do they want me to break down in front of them? Whatever they want, they are not getting it. I am stronger than they think. I just need to remind myself of that.

It’s the powerlessness I hate more than anything. I’ve felt that before and didn’t think I’d experience it again. Certainly not because of a group of girls my own age. I don’t just mean the rape either. It was afterwards too. When Mum and I called the police it suddenly all was taken out of my hands. I have no idea what I would have done if it was left in my hands, but I did feel totally powerless and very frightened about what would happen next. It’s like that now in some ways. I wake up every morning not sure what will happen.

When the police took over I was lucky that I had a really nice female police officer to help me. She was great and she did keep in touch throughout the whole court case. I just never knew when I would hear from her or what she’d tell me. I didn’t know what would happen or what I was supposed to do. It’s that fear of the unknown that I find so difficult to deal with. It’s like that now, except I don’t have a police team to back me up!

I wake up not knowing whether I’ll have comments thrown in my direction or not. I spend all day worrying about whether I’ll see them or not and then by the time I get home I’m knackered. On the very rare days that I don’t see them, I don’t even feel relieved any more. I just worry about the next day. I am struggling to concentrate and that’s not helping me either. Even burying myself in
Silas Marner
won’t help at the moment! I’m much more likely to bury myself in a box of Jaffa Cakes. If I don’t pass my exams then all this will be for nothing. I could have stayed at my old school, felt a bit crap and failed my exams! I can’t wait for the Christmas holiday now. Some time away from school, time with Mum and Reggie and time to just forget about all the crap that’s going on. Not long now and this year will be over!

I have literally never been happier to see the last day of term. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I can breathe again. I had a chat with Miss Haywood in registration today as she wanted to check how I had done this term. She said that the teachers were pleased with how I’d been catching up. They are either very easily impressed or I’ve done better than I thought! She also said that I was very quiet around school and asked if I’d been making friends and settling in okay. I just said ‘yes’ and that I’m okay. What was I supposed to say to that?

Well actually Miss Haywood there are a few girls who are making my life a living hell as they call me a lesbian (although not that politely) at every opportunity as if that is the crime of the century and I deserve to be punished on a daily basis. I don’t know why they have chosen to focus on me but it seems that their tiny minds can’t deal with actual conversation and they can only let out one word at a time and only then with the backing of at least five other girls, who must all laugh on cue. They can only do this when they know that I am on my own because that’s the sort of brave soldiers they are, and won’t ever actually ask me anything or dare to speak to me directly. Other than that, I’m having the time of my life. Thanks for asking
.

I wonder what she would have said to that?! I feel a bit better for having a little rant but it’s a shame I have only written it down rather than actually saying it out loud. At least I’m doing okay with the schoolwork. If I’d been failing there too then Nina and her merry gang of gigglers would really be winning.

I thought that they had started to get the better of me. I was waking up in the middle of the night, coming up with illnesses I could have that would mean I wouldn’t be able to go to school. I have a whole list of great ideas that I could work on. Drama has never been something I am very good at, but I have even practised faking some of the symptoms. I knew that it must be
bad when I was faking stomach pains up in my room to see how realistic I could make them. That’s pretty sad and desperate! I know that Mum would have seen straight through it, and even if she didn’t I’m pretty sure a doctor would have done! The desire to just not go to school had become overwhelming and I would have done almost anything to stay at home.

I am stuck every day with a battle going on in my head. I want to succeed and I want to do well. I want to pass my exams and have good grades. I want Mum to be proud of me and I want to be proud of myself. At the same time I want to shut out the whole world (well, Nina) and stay in bed. If I think about Nina and her gigglers too much then the desire to stay in bed with my fake stomach pains becomes much stronger. I feel like the odds are stacked against me and nothing I do will make things better. If I think about walking out of school in July, having done my best in all my exams, then somehow the day becomes more bearable.

I have a little film in my head of Mum dropping me off in August to pick up my exam results. We have started the day with a great breakfast and taken Reggie for a long walk. He’s been his usual self, the sun is shining and I am nervous about going into school and opening that envelope. Mum is doing her best to distract me, but we both know it’s not working. We drive to school so that we can go straight out for lunch afterwards as Mum has planned the whole day. She booked her time off work as soon as she knew when the results would be out and decided that whatever happened we would have a great day together! So, we’re at school and as I get out of the car she just tells me that she loves me and that she is really proud of me. I hope that she still feels that way when I get back in the car! I walk into the main hall without a second thought, nobody says anything to me and I am actually feeling quite relaxed. I keep reminding myself that I did my best and that’s all I could have done. I walk to the desk and it’s Miss Haywood who hands me my envelope. I want to tear it
open but I take it outside. I walk to the car. I get in. Mum looks at me, desperate to know how I did. She sees the sealed envelope and smiles. She gently asks me to open it. I have got all As and Bs with one C in Maths! We both cry! Mum laughs at me when I tell her that I worked harder for that C in Maths than anything else.

That’s where the film ends. Who cares what happens next! I know that everything will be okay no matter what happens next. Concentrating on that becoming a reality is what is getting me through. Just thinking about that day and what will happen has made sure I haven’t used my fake stomach ache and it’s meant that I’ve done okay in catching up with the school work. It has kept me focused. Whenever I don’t want to go to school I play that film in my head. Once I’ve done that, I know what I need to do.