Reggie & Me (8 page)

I had PE for the first time today. I wasn’t really looking forward to it but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it might be. It was Miss King taking the class and it turns out that the gaggle of girls were right about her; she’s all right! She asked me to stay behind after the lesson as she needed to go through some things with me. I have a lot to catch up on to make sure I’m ready for the exams, and she told me that she’s been put in charge of making sure I get whatever I need. She even asked if I’d mind being late for my lunch break and if we could go through it now. How nice is that?! I didn’t tell her that this would be the first time I’d spent a lunch break with someone.

We went through the coursework I needed to do and she had copies of everything I needed. She also offered to go through the work with me in lunch breaks if I was struggling. It all seemed quite self-explanatory but I really appreciated the offer as sometimes when I look at the volume of work I have to get through it can be quite overwhelming.

‘How are you getting on, how are you finding the school?’ was the question I was waiting for and she didn’t disappoint.

I hope I didn’t disappoint with the standard answer. ‘I’m getting used to it, thanks, and slowly finding out where everything is.’

I wasn’t expecting what came next as usually the standard answer is enough to end this conversation. She smiled and said, ‘I moved schools in the year before my exams too. It was tough. Everyone had their own little groups of friends and I just found
myself wandering around feeling like a spare part. I had loads of work to catch up on and to make it even more interesting, they were learning completely different things in most of the subjects. I did okay though, just kept my head down and looked forward to sixth form where life became a lot more fun. Hang in there.’

I could have cried as it was the first time someone had actually got how I was feeling. I mean, really got it. She didn’t expect me to say anything either which was a bonus as I am not sure I could have stopped talking if I’d started. I knew that I was feeling quite low about the way things were going (or not going!) at school but it wasn’t until Miss King spoke to me that I realised what I’m feeling is probably perfectly normal! That half an hour really made my day and I left that room feeling the best I had felt since starting at school.

Then…boom! Just as the cloud had lifted it came back darker than ever. I heard some voices as I walked out of the room but didn’t think anything of it. It was lunchtime so it’s usually pretty loud and I had never been in the PE building at lunchtime before. As I was about to turn left into the corridor that leads to the main doors I realised that the voices were shouting. I had a quick look around the corner and saw a group of five girls all crowded around another girl. I didn’t recognise any of them but I don’t really recognise many people yet.

This is why I am feeling so ashamed of myself: I hid. I sneaked into the toilets and I hid. The old me would have marched up to that group of girls and tried to help. At least, I’d like to think that’s what I would have done. Today, I was a coward and all I could think about was the fear that it might happen to me. I was too scared to say anything or do anything; I was even too scared to walk past them.

I hid as I heard those girls say some really horrible things. They were shouting in her face calling her all the names under the sun. I’m not even sure what some of the words meant, but I knew I wouldn’t want them shouted in my face. I was standing in
the toilet feeling like a total failure. I felt so sorry for the girl who was on the receiving end of their verbal battering, but just couldn’t summon up the strength to do anything about it. I was as bad as they were.

I heard them shout a final mouthful and then the door slammed. I opened the toilet door and could see that the girl was sitting on the floor crying. I didn’t know what to do. I ran back to the room that Miss King was in, she was still there and looked surprised to see me. I said to her that someone was upset in the corridor and I wasn’t sure what to do. She took over, found the girl and led her back to the classroom thanking me for telling her. She thanked me? That was the final blow. She wouldn’t have thanked me if she’d known. I should have got her straight away as I didn’t have the guts to step in myself. I should have gone straight to her and asked for help.

I haven’t been able to concentrate all afternoon because I’ve been thinking about that girl. I need to concentrate this evening though as I have so much work to do. I do feel a bit better now that I’ve written it down…I just need to get braver as I don’t want to feel like this again!

Jane is coming down for the weekend so I am under strict instructions to tidy up. I think that’s what Mum thinks I’m doing now! I’m tidying up the thoughts in my head if that counts?!

We have had quite a positive morning so far, although it was a little embarrassing too. We agreed that we would need to make sure Reggie was as tired as possible as Jane isn’t a big fan of dogs. She doesn’t dislike them but she prefers them when they’re asleep or in another room! We set off bright and early and headed to the park with the water. We figured that it was a bit early for small children to be out and about so hoped that Reggie could have some fun without creating a drama. That went according to plan and he was swimming around, playing with the ball and being surprisingly well behaved.

Out of nowhere, he was joined by another dog and was so excited he actually squealed! That’s not a sound that fits with the image of our big dog! Mum turned around to check that there were humans accompanying Reggie’s new friend and almost squealed herself when she realised it was someone she recognised. It’s amazing what loneliness does to you! It was Jenny, the woman we had met last time we were at the park, which meant that it was Bailey who was currently trying to chase Reggie across the lake. Neither of them even glanced in our direction as we called them, so we just agreed that they’d surely come back when they were tired.

I recognised Jenny’s daughter, Katie, immediately. She was in my registration group. I’d never spoken to her but that’s not surprising considering I hadn’t really spoken to anyone. We were introduced and had no option but to talk to each other while our mums were in full flow talking about everything under the sun and our dogs were swimming in circles around a lake. It was awkward to start with. We didn’t really know what to say
to each other so we started on the easiest subject – school. As we didn’t have any classes together other than registration that wasn’t a very successful start. I didn’t know most of the people she was talking about and she said she was into Art and Music, while I was doing PE. She didn’t seem very impressed that I used to sing at my old school! She said that she hated PE and walking the dog was more than enough exercise for her. That led us onto a much more successful conversation about the dogs!

It was so nice to talk to someone about Reggie. I haven’t really had the chance to do that and I enjoyed talking to someone else who loved dogs. There are things that only other dog owners would find funny and these are things that you probably wouldn’t talk about with anyone else. She told me about Bailey accidently weeing up a man’s leg when he was standing waiting for the bus. That was the most embarrassing thing he’d done. Reggie hadn’t been quite that bad yet, but I told her about him soaking the child last time we were here. They had had Bailey from when he was a puppy so he’s had a great life with them. She was genuinely upset when I told her about Reggie’s past, but could see for herself that he was perfectly happy now. She asked how long we’d had Reggie and that led her to ask why we moved here.

It was easy to go with the rehearsed story, and the more I say it out loud, the more comfortable I am with it. I almost believe it myself! She said that it must be pretty crap starting at school and not knowing anyone. She had been at that school from the start and said that while it isn’t her favourite place on earth, she wouldn’t want to start again somewhere new. ‘You’ll be okay though, the sporty kids are always popular,’ she said. ‘It’s the arty people like me who never quite fit in and get the comments and digs. I couldn’t care less though, only a few more months to go and it’ll be time for some sixth form fun.’ I didn’t mention the girl I saw in the corridor but asked her if she had ever been bullied. She said, ‘Not really, I just stick to my own group of
friends. I wasn’t sure what ‘not really’ meant but thought I’d better not ask. Then she said that if I wanted to join her and her friends for lunch on Monday they’d be in the main hall and she’d look out for me. She gave me her number and said to text if I couldn’t find them. I just said, ‘Thanks, that would be nice,’ but inside I was squealing! Yes! Someone to have lunch with!

At that moment Reggie and Bailey came running up to our mums and completely drenched them by shaking right next to them! Thankfully we stayed dry but it meant it was time to leave. Mum and Jenny swapped numbers too and apart from the soaking, it has been a very successful morning. Both Mum and I are excited by the idea of new friends. It’s amazing how quickly my mood has changed over the last couple of days. From the happiness of Miss King’s kind words, to the shame of not helping that girl, and now to excitement that I might actually have made a friend!

A day with Jane is always good for the soul, though now I’ve come upstairs to bed and left her downstairs with Mum and a bottle of wine! It might get a bit emotional and messy so I’d rather be up here.

Jane arrived in style with an enormous bone for Reggie. I thought that she was just being really kind as she knew how much Reggie meant to us. No! Mum pointed out that she had probably just bought the biggest one available so that it would keep Reggie occupied! That backfired a bit though as Reggie went straight out into the garden and buried his treat. He returned a couple of minutes later covered in soil and still smelling a little bit of lake water despite the bath we gave him when we got home from our walk. Reggie wanted to say a big thank you to Jane but she wasn’t so keen. He has spent the rest of the day asleep though so our plan did work and Jane is grateful that we tired him out!

Jane brought gifts for us too. As always they were really thoughtful presents. Wellies for walking and a gorgeous photo frame for our first family picture with Reggie! She had come prepared with her camera and we had some fun trying to get Reggie to look in the direction of the camera and sit still all at the same time. I can’t wait to get those pictures!

After the obligatory pot of tea and chat about her journey here she asked if I’d like to take her into town and show her the sights. That is a pretty rubbish code for saying that we’re now going to go and talk about whether I’m okay or not! I don’t know why they don’t just say what they mean!

Talking with Jane is always really helpful, but I’m also aware that she’s Mum’s best friend. I don’t want Mum to worry about me so I am a little bit guarded about what I tell her. I wanted to tell her how crap I felt about school, but at the same time I was
pretty sure she’d tell Mum. Knowing Mum, I wouldn’t be surprised if she came into school to talk to the teachers. I know that she’d only be doing it to try and help me, but it’s not like the teachers can force people to be friends with me! That would be the most embarrassing thing that could happen at the moment. I am so grateful that I can tell Jane about my morning with Katie and that I’m pleased I have someone that I can have lunch with now. Jane picked up on the ‘now’ very quickly and asked what I’d been doing so far. I think I got away with talking very quickly about how I’d been accepted for hockey trials and she didn’t ask about lunch again!

Jane thinks that with the amount of work I’ve got to do and the pressure of making friends I need to be careful about making sure I’m still looking after myself. ‘You know that recovery can take a long time, Danielle, so don’t underestimate the impact it can have.’ She does annoy me sometimes when she says things like that! I’m more than aware of the impact it has had and I’m sure that any professional would tell me that recovery takes a long time, blah blah blah! Maybe I’m doing okay and an acknowledgement that I’m not crying in a corner at every opportunity would be nice. Then I remembered how I felt when I hid in the toilet. I told Jane about it. I made sure that I included the bit about how nice Miss King was!

I could see that she was worried about me and said all the things I expected her to say. ‘You did exactly the right thing by going to Miss King. Don’t be ashamed of that, I don’t know anyone in their right mind that would take on a group of teenage girls anymore.’

I told her that I thought the ‘old me’ would have tried to stop them and she didn’t agree! ‘It’s easy to think you’ll always do the most heroic thing until you’re actually faced with that situation. Your perception of fear might have changed a bit now though.’ She’s not wrong! I am definitely more cautious, but we both agreed that there’s nothing wrong with that!

She asked if I was worried about the hockey trials! I swear that woman is a white witch sometimes! I admitted that I was nervous, but I also told her about how I’d thought it through and when I was feeling rational I knew that it was just a game of hockey! She laughed and said that she had taught me well! It’s true…she has! She couldn’t leave it there though.

‘Just relax a little bit, Danielle. You’re worrying too much about how long it’s taking for you to settle in and you’re not giving yourself a chance to just settle in your own time. You met Katie without any effort at all and I bet it didn’t feel like effort at all?’ Argh, why is that woman always right?

It’s true, I’ve been stressing out about making friends and then a potential friend just arrived at the side of the lake! It was surprisingly easy.

She wasn’t finished. ‘People are much more likely to want to be friends with someone who is relaxed and easy to talk to rather than someone who is stressed out and worried!’ I was definitely relaxed this morning and I had to admit that once again, Jane was right! She makes it sound so easy.

I always feel better when I’ve spent time with Jane. I would love to be able to help people like she does. She (nearly) always knows the right thing to say and I wish I was more like her. I would love for someone to say this about me one day – that they feel better after they’ve spent time with me!