Remembering Christmas (32 page)

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Authors: Drew Ferguson

BOOK: Remembering Christmas
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Like a good coach, Bob had been there for his star athlete. He had raised one plastic arm and placed it on Varsity Todd's shoulder to reassure him, make him realize that no one could ever want to kill Santa, no one could ever be that diabolical. “No, Todd, that can't be,” Rob / Bob had explained. “If he kills Santa there won't ever be a Christmas again.”
“No, Coach, Jingle Bells wants to take over,” Teddy/Todd had replied. “
He
wants to be the new Santa.”
Rob / Bob had been stunned; he even fell back into the miniature pommel horse and had to hold onto the handgrips not to fall over. “Only an evil elf could come up with a plan so evil!” he had shouted. “We can't let him get away with this! We can't let him kill Santa Claus and change Christmas for the rest of the world.”
“And we won't, Coach, not on our watch!” Teddy / Todd had exclaimed.
“But how, Todd! How can we stop someone so evil?”
Teddy and Todd had both taken a moment before speaking, a moment filled with pride, a moment to allow Rob and Bob to prepare themselves because they were going to be amazed. “I've got a plan.”
Todd had cartwheeled on top of the pommel horse into a perfect handstand before lowering himself to straddle one side of the horse. Extending his hand, he had hoisted Coach Bob up so he could straddle the other. Face to face, their plastic thighs pressing into the plastic sides of the pommel horse they had each gripped one of the plastic handgrips and leaned into each other to discuss how they were going to save Saint Nick.
“What's your plan, Todd?” Rob/Bob had asked, impressed, but impatient. “Tell me! We're wasting precious time!”
Understanding the urgency, Teddy/Todd had spoken as quickly and clearly as he could. “Santa's number two elf, Jangle Bells, is a double agent; he doesn't believe in what Jingle Bells is doing, but he's going along with him because Jingle Bells threatened to hurt Jangle Bells's family. Jangle Bells was able to get word out to Rudolph, who was able to get word out to the lower continents by using his blinking red nose as Morse code. But Jingle Bells found out and broke his nose, but I alone was able to intercept the SOS message while I was cross country skiing, training for the triathlon.”
“That's why you're my star athlete, Todd!”
Teddy / Todd had been proud. “Thanks, Coach.”
“But wait a minute,” Rob / Bob had said, noticing a glitch in the plan. “Why can't Rudolph and the rest of the reindeer just fly south for help?”
If Todd could have smiled he would have, but he couldn't so Teddy had done it for him. “That's why you're the smartest coach around,” he said. “You think of everything.”
It was Rob / Bob's turn to feel proud. “Thank you, Todd, but why couldn't they fly south?”
“They tried to the day after Christmas, right after Jingle Bells imprisoned Santa, but Jingle and the rest of the evil elves caught them and force fed them anti-flying pellets.”
“No! That can't be true!”
“Yes, I'm sorry, sir, it's all true,” Teddy / Todd had said, Todd's little plastic hand reaching out to touch Bob's little plastic knee. “And it gets worse.”
The Coach put his plastic hand on top of Todd's. “How in the world can it get any worse Todd?! How?!”
“Those pellets weren't just to stop them from flying,” Teddy / Todd had begun. “In five hours they're going to explode, all of Santa's flying reindeer are going to be killed, burst open like a bag of potato chips with all their insides and everything spilling out onto the snow like potato chips when they spill out onto the rug. And once that happens, even if Santa survives he'll never be able to bring Christmas to the world ever again, he'll be stuck in the North Pole forever.”
“No!” Bob / Rob had cried. “Jingle Bells must be insane. If he kills off the reindeer, then he won't be able to be the new Santa either.”
Todd had sat bolt upright on the pommel horse. “He wants to be the new Santa, Coach, but he doesn't want to give away any of the toys the elves make. As sick as it sounds he wants to keep them all for himself.”
The astounding news had almost made Coach Bob fall off the horse. “Which means there will never be Christmas again except for that one evil elf.”
“That's right, Coach, but I have a plan to save Santa and save Christmas for every kid in the world,” Teddy/Todd had declared. “Are you with me? But before you answer me you have to know that you'll be risking your life. Jingle Bells is diabololical!”
“I'll be with you forever, Teddy, I promise you that.”
Even as an eight-year-old it had registered: It wasn't the Coach talking, it was Rob, and he had called him Teddy, not Todd. It had registered, but Teddy had made no comment. He hadn't corrected his friend, he hadn't tried to find out if he really meant to say Teddy instead of Todd or if it was just a slip of the tongue, a moment where he confused reality with playtime, he hadn't mentioned it at all.
That's what I've been doing my entire life,
Theo thought,
ignoring instead of confronting, letting life unfold around me instead of controlling it and taking an active role in my destiny.
Varsity Todd would not approve, and for the first time in his life neither did Theo.
Words were tumbling out of Rob's mouth; Theo heard a few of them, but he didn't catch full sentences. It was partly because he didn't want to focus on what Rob was saying; he wanted to focus on what he wanted to say. Sure it was wonderful to hear that Rob had a great relationship with his son and doted on his daughter or how he couldn't wait to be with them on Christmas Eve, but honestly Theo didn't care about any of that. All those details were part of Rob's life, and Theo wanted to talk about his own or more specifically about the life that he thought he and Rob were going to share.
The eerie, soprano wailings of the group, Celtic Women, singing plaintively in tight harmony about the disharmony of the world were interrupted by the same female voice over the loudspeaker. Theo prayed she wouldn't announce the boarding of either of their flights. He had wasted enough time reminiscing and cajoling and smiling, when what he wanted to do was ask Rob some very simple questions. If either of them got on a plane now, Theo knew he would spend the rest of the holiday season and probably the rest of his life dwelling on the fact that he once again let an opportunity slip away.
“We're happy to announce that the inclement weather in the north and on the East Coast has finally subsided, and all our flights should be departing shortly,” she said. “All of us here at the Lambert-St. Louis International Airport thank you for your patience and wish you a safe and happy holiday season.”
Raising his glass, Rob asked, “Do you think we have time for one more before we have to shove off?”
Theo shook his head. “I've had enough, thanks. I do have some questions though.”
Rob's smile remained, but the rest of his face and body froze. It was as if he knew what was coming and he was silently cursing himself for not leaving a few minutes earlier. “Sure, shoot.”
His arms resting on the table, his hands clasped, creating a protective circle around Coach Bob, Theo felt some heavy air escape from his lips, pushing out fear so he could speak. “We've been talking for over an hour now and you've hardly told me anything about your wife.”
“Sure I did,” Rob said, visibly relieved. “Her name's Audra.”
“Yes, very pretty name,” Theo said. “But what's she like? Is she Italian?”
Feeling less defensive, Rob continued, “No, she's French so my mother didn't like her so much at first, but now, you know, they're inseparable.”
I don't care about that.
“How'd you two meet?”
“In college.”
“Before or after?”
The question was direct and seemingly innocent, but Rob knew otherwise. “Before.”
That wasn't the answer Theo had expected or had wanted to hear. “Really?”
“We, um, met . . . before, but we didn't start dating until, you know, after.”
Without his knowledge, Theo's hands had unclasped and separated; he was bemused to find that they were pressed firmly against the tabletop, turning red in some places, others white, like he was wearing candy canes as gloves. There was no wedding band on his ring finger or any finger; there never had been and there quite possibly would never be one. Neil hadn't wanted to get rings; he said he didn't need anything to remind him how much he loved Theo, which Theo believed, even though the truth was that Neil didn't want to wear anything that would advertise their commitment and get in the way of his sexual adventures. Still eyeing his hands and the nonexistent wedding band, Theo asked, “Does she know?”
Rob nodded his head before he spoke, his voice straining against emotion in an attempt to remain casual. “I told her there was one guy in high school, I didn't go into details, but she understood.”
“Just high school?”
The Celtic Women were still begging the civilized world to come to its senses and understand that peace and love are the tools that build a strong planet, not tanks and armies and nuclear weapons. Rob turned his head to the side and looked as if he was quite taken with the lyrics and their lyrical melody, but Theo was quite certain he wasn't listening to a word the gals were singing, rather he was hoping the disembodied female voice would beckon him to board his flight so he could return to the safety of his family, the loving embrace of the wife he had chosen over him. When he realized he wouldn't be rescued, Rob swallowed hard and continued. “Well, like I said, I didn't go into details, I just wanted to be honest.”
“But you weren't.”
Rob understood by the tone of Theo's voice that he wasn't going to get off easy; he also understood that he didn't deserve to. Just because more than a decade had passed since they had last seen each other didn't mean their last meeting or the time in between had been forgotten; on the contrary it meant that it was relived and dwelled upon during all that time because there had never been closure, there had never been a good-bye. “No, Theo,” Rob said, “I wasn't honest with her and, honestly, I probably won't ever be.”
Crossing his arms, Theo leaned back in his chair. He didn't mimic Rob's usual stance, he didn't want to be like him, but he needed some distance to examine this guy who sat across from him, this guy who had suddenly become a stranger to him. “If you want to lie to your wife that's fine with me,” Theo admitted. “But could you finally do me a favor and be honest with me?”
To Theo's surprise, Rob answered immediately. “I was a coward and selfish and I realized that I wasn't gay and you were. And more than that I knew what you expected from me.”
“I expected you to return my phone calls,” Theo huffed. “To answer my letters, that's all I expected from you.”
“Come on, Teddy, you expected way more than that and you know it,” Rob said. “And I don't blame you, I expected more from myself too. I thought it was going to be me and you forever even though I was shit scared and I knew my father was going to be disgusted and probably disown me. I still expected to wake up one morning and finally admit to myself that I was a gay man, but that never happened. Not even after that night with you.”
Theo heard himself laugh. “Which just happens to be fifteen years ago today in case you forgot.”
“I didn't forget,” Rob said firmly. “I threw up after I ate that Christmas 'cause I was so upset, guess my body knew before my head did that I had lost you.”
Theo reached out and grabbed Rob's hand. This time Rob flinched, more because of the surprise than because of the touch, and he quickly tried to salvage the moment by holding on to Theo's hand, but the moment had passed. Theo's hand was now a fist, clenched, protecting itself. “You didn't have to lose me,” Theo protested. “You didn't have to disappear, erase yourself from my life. Do you have any idea what that did to me?”
“Yeah, Teddy, I do know! Look I was young and I was stupid, it wasn't the right thing to do, but it was the only thing I could think of at the time.” Rob ran one of his beautiful hands through his beautiful hair, though Theo thought they looked just a little less beautiful now. “I didn't want to lead you on, I didn't want to hurt you, and yeah, I didn't want to be with you like that anymore, now that I knew I wasn't that way.”
“Gay.”
“Yes, Teddy, gay.”
“Which is this horrible, disgusting thing?” Theo said, fully aware of how petulant he sounded.
“You want me to be honest, Teddy? Yes, at the time I was greatly relieved that I wasn't gay, I was thrilled to know that what we shared had been beautiful and sweet, but was safely in the past and it wasn't going to ruin my future. But I was twenty years old, I was a jerk, and I knew that you and I couldn't be friends any longer because you wouldn't accept friendship, you would want way more than that. Isn't that right?”

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