Remembering Christmas (33 page)

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Authors: Drew Ferguson

BOOK: Remembering Christmas
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Theo nodded.
“After a while, when I understood that being gay doesn't mean you're disgusting or repulsive, I mean really believed it and just wasn't relieved that I wasn't gay, when none of that mattered any longer, I wanted to call you, I wanted to, I don't know, try to explain everything, but . . . by then too much time had passed, and I figured you didn't want to hear some lame-ass apology from me.”
Tracing Coach Bob's name on the box with his finger Theo felt like he was tracing every lonely night he had spent hoping that Rob would call him, every hopeful morning that he imagined he would open his front door and see Rob waiting on his doorstep. “It would have been really nice to hear from you, Rob.”
“Well you're hearing from me now. I'm sorry, Teddy. I never meant to hurt you. I just grew up into somebody different than you did, and I just assumed we couldn't still be friends instead of talking to you about it. I stayed silent and took the easy way out.”
Which is exactly what you did too, Theo; can't really put all the blame on him without putting the same amount on yourself.
“Guess I did the same thing.”
“No, don't blame yourself; it was all my fault.”
“I'm not going to argue with you there,” Theo said, not stifling a smile; “But it's not like I fought that hard for you; I called a few times, wrote you that very Joan Collinsy letter damning you for destroying my life and vowing to never, ever not even if you came back to me . . .”
“Crawling on your hands and knees begging for absolution.”
“Would I ever make you feel better by forgiving you,” they both finished in unison.
Theo shuddered. “I really used the word absolution, didn't I?”
“Oh yeah,” Rob said laughing. “Luckily I'm Catholic so I knew what you meant.” Rob picked up Coach Bob and stared at him tenderly. “You may not believe this, but when I found this old guy in that store I took it as a sign that I might see you.”
Theo had wasted time believing in worse things, why not this. “How did that make you feel?”
“Happy,” Rob replied. “That was my immediate thought. I remembered how much fun we had playing with him and Todd and all the made-up adventures. We spent whole days practicing for some imaginary competition and then jetting off in a helicopter to save the world from some evil Russian.”
“Or save Santa from an evil elf.”
“Jingle Bells!” Rob exclaimed. “The last time I watched that show with my kids I almost told them about how Jingle turns evil, but I figured Audra would kill me. She doesn't even like Joe playing with guns.”
“Oh you better watch out,” Theo said. “Little Joe might turn out to be like his long lost Uncle Theo.”
Rob placed Coach Bob on the table and looked at his friend. “And I can finally say with complete honesty that it wouldn't matter to me one bit,” Rob said. “I would be proud if he turned out to be like you.”
“Well let's not get carried away.”
“Teddy . . . Theo, whatever, I mean it,” Rob said. “You made me feel invincible as a kid, you made me so glad just to be me, do you have any idea what kind of a gift that was? You were my very own Santa Claus.” Rob laughed first. “And yes, I know that sounded really corny, but I mean it.”
It suddenly dawned on Theo that it was Christmas Eve and by this time he was usually seated around his mother's table eating appetizers, drinking eggnog that his father spiked with a bit too much rum, making small talk with his parents and his aunt and their friends who he only saw once a year, but about whom he knew every detail of their lives thanks to his mother's endless, boring monologues about them. He didn't care about them, and while he loved his parents, he didn't care to be in their presence. He wanted to be seated at his own table, next to a man he loved, creating his own memories and traditions, not piggybacking on those of his parents.
“You know I guess I have Neil to thank for this,” Theo said.
“Your ex?”
“Yeah, if he hadn't dumped me, I wouldn't have flown out to be with my parents. We were planning on staying home for the holidays.”
“Well as sorry as I am that he dumped you, I'm glad that he did,” Rob admitted. “This has been the best Christmas gift I've gotten in a long time.”
Theo knew that he meant it, but he also knew it meant their time was coming to an end, and he was starting to realize how much he dreaded the next part of his journey.
“You deserve to be with somebody though, Teddy, you really do.”
Part of me believes that, and the other part just knows that I'm thirty-six years old and flying across the country alone to spend Christmas Eve with my parents, which is going to make me feel even more alone.
“It's funny,” Theo began. “How do you go from loving Christmas to loathing it?”
“I don't know.”
“I wouldn't expect you to hate the holiday,” Theo said. “With the kids and all, must make for a pretty special time.”
Reluctantly Rob had to agree. “Yeah, it does. It almost makes up for the craziness of the rest of the year.” Before Theo could ask, Rob answered, “I mean I don't regret my life, the path I chose or the path that chose me, whatever it was, but there are times that I wish my life was more like yours.”
Theo made a face that looked as if it had just been announced that Justin Bieber was going to star in a remake of
Miracle on 34th Street
as a young Natalie Wood. It made sense since he wouldn't need to change his hairstyle, but it was still wrong. “Like mine? You've got to be kidding me. I'm on my way to hotter than hell Phoenix to spend a few boring-to-miserable days with my folks, and you're flying home to your wife and kids.”
“I just mean that I don't have a choice, but you do.”
Such a simple statement and yet so powerful. Once again Theo invoked an image of the Blessed Mother and hoped she would conjure up another miracle. He imagined how she must have felt when the angel Gabriel told her about the Immaculate Conception; it was a simple concept, and yet she knew it was about to change her world. So did Theo.
“I never thought of looking at it that way.”
“It's the truth,” Rob confirmed. “And I have to tell you every once in a while I imagine what it must be like to be like you.”
“Gay?”
“No, you doof,” Rob said, laughing. “To be single, with only yourself to think about.”
“Don't go stereotyping. . . .”
Rob groaned and extended his arms, shaking his hands as if they were wrapped around Theo's neck. “No, I'm not saying that just 'cause you're gay means you're irresponsible or that you don't want a relationship and commitment, children and all that,” Rob clarified, then picked up Coach Bob. “All I'm saying is you can go out and buy something like this, buy it for yourself, and not have to lie and say you bought it for your kid.”
Theo had a picture of Rob turning the corner of some antique shop and coming face-to-face with the square-jawed, hypermasculine face of Coach Bob, standing frozen and looking back in time, unprepared to be visited by a once-friendly ghost and yet unable to shake free from its grip. “You bought Bob for yourself?”
Cupping his chin in the palm of his hand, Rob smiled. “I scoured that stupid store for the gym play set, the equipment, but all they had was the coach propped up on some old board games in the front window like it was waiting for me. We really had a lot of fun with him.”
“No,” Theo corrected. “We had a lot of fun together.”
Gently, Rob pushed Coach Bob across the table until he was looking up from behind his plastic covering into Theo's eyes. “I want you to have him.”
Theo looked down at Bob's blue eyes, practically the same color as Rob's, and felt some happiness break out across his chest, but no, he couldn't take a gift out of Rob's kid's hands. “No,” Theo protested. “You were going to give this to your son.”
Swiping the air with the back of his hand, Rob smirked. “I told you I lied, I bought it for me, but let's face it, my kid isn't going to like it because it doesn't have a computer chip and my wife'll only make fun of me,” Rob said, smiling reflectively. “Marriage is all it's cracked up to be, you know.”
Fighting the urge to grab the package and stuff it in his bag before Rob changed his mind, Theo gave him one more opportunity to do so. “Are you sure?”
“Yes,” Rob said. “I have a feeling I was meant to give it to you anyway.”
“Oh come on now,” Theo said. “Don't tell me that you've found religion along with a family. Or is it just the time of the year?”
Rob paused to shrug his shoulders, but Theo could tell he was really trying to choose his words carefully. “I wouldn't say that I found religion, but when you have kids you're reminded that there is a higher power of some sort. The same power that brought the two of us together.”
I can't remember when I've received a more perfect gift. Neil never even came close; he only bought me things
he
thought I'd like, never anything that he picked up just because it reminded him of me.
“Thank you,” Theo said. “This is really very sweet.” Suddenly, he was back in Mr. Hesterfer's class and he didn't know what else to say, nor could he think of a joke. “I'm only sorry that I don't have anything for you.”
But there was no more need for jokes, only honesty. “Just seeing you and having the chance to chat after all this time is gift enough.”
Theo was about to agree when their space was once again invaded by the disembodied female voice. “Attention passengers, Flight 717 from St. Louis to Newark airport is now boarding at Gate 5.”
No one moved, but they both knew that their meeting was about to end as suddenly as it had begun. When Rob spoke he sounded disappointed. “That's me.”
They both gathered their coats and bags and began their figurative descent. Theo followed Rob out of the bar, Coach Bob securely tucked into his bag peering up at him as if silently urging him on to say good-bye like the champion he knew he was. Rob was fumbling in his coat pocket for his ticket, which gave Theo a few seconds to compose himself, but still when Rob looked up and at him he felt his heart beat a little bit faster. How he wanted to lean over, brush Rob's bangs off his forehead, stare into his eyes, and softly kiss him on the lips. He wanted this, their good-bye, to be romantic, important, worthy of something from a classic movie, and then he realized that was one of the stupidest thoughts he had ever had. Almost as stupid as Rob's. “You know, I'm in New York a lot for business,” he said. “Maybe I could meet you there for dinner or something.”
Obviously somebody wasn't listening.
“I, um, live in Boston,” Theo repeated.
“I know, I just thought, you know, that you might get to New York some time, and we could meet up and have another drink.”
Wary, Theo decided to reply honestly. “Well I do get to New York from time to time.”
“Perfect!” Rob declared. “Why don't we exchange numbers? What's your cell phone?”
Reconnecting with an old friend who was much more than an old friend, that's not exactly how Theo envisioned he would be starting off the New Year. He could agree, allow life to sweep him along as it had always done, or he could make a choice; he could do what was best for him. “I don't think that's such a good idea.”
Shoving his cell phone back into the pocket of his coat, Rob tried to maintain his composure. “Oh I'm sorry, I didn't, you know, mean . . .”
“I know you didn't mean anything like
that
,” Theo said, interrupting him, acknowledging that he understood Rob didn't mean that they should hook up on the sly. However, he also didn't think hooking up in the open in public was a very good idea. “This has been wonderful, it really, really has, not to mention long overdue.”
“Yeah, very long,” Rob concurred.
“But it's over,” Theo said. “And I think we should keep it that way.”
Unable to hide his disappointment, Rob opened his mouth to talk, but closed it without saying a word. He might not agree with how Theo felt, but he couldn't disagree with it either. Being the salesman that he was, however, he couldn't resist one final pitch. “It's just that don't you think we bumped into each other for a reason?”
Absolutely.
“Yes, I do.”
“So do I!” Rob exclaimed. “I think we were meant to see each other again, to reconnect, build up our friendship again.”
Theo couldn't explain it, but he hadn't felt so strongly about something in years, he just knew that he needed to say good-bye and for it to be final. “I can't speak for you, and I'm not going to try, but I can say for myself that I was meant to see you again so I could move forward,” Theo said. “We had a great friendship and you have always and will always be special to me, but we haven't had any kind of relationship for years and as you've explained there've been reasons for that.”

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