Returning Injury (16 page)

She was hoping she would find information about him counseling other men with anger or obsessive issues or bipolar disorder. She wanted to read an article about Roy Smythson who turned his lemons into lemonade and he was doing very well. Or how Roy Smythson worked on music while behind bars, his talent and story making him the hot new songwriter in demand. Instead, she learned about other Roy Smythsons: Roy Smythson, the sailing champion; Roy Smythson, the teacher. She kept searching. On page four there was a court hearing document.

“This might be something,” she said, clicking on it. The document was from before he was sent to prison. She started reading about the program he was offered instead of prison. Suddenly Rebecca felt a lump in her throat. “I wasn’t offered a deal. I didn’t
get a choice as to what was going to happen to me. He attacked me. Didn’t he deserve punishment for what he did to me? I still have hearing damage because of what he did to me. I’m scared for life and he was given a deal?” She kept reading, feeling insignificant and angry.

Suddenly, she was elated. There had been a mistake; he didn’t go to prison and he was given a deal. She was thrilled about the program he was offered. She had been afraid for no reason because he never went to prison. She wanted to celebrate. “What a relief! It’s over! I can stop worrying.” She did have mixed feelings about his lack of punishment but, for her own wellbeing, she’d rather he be rehabilitated and safe in society than in prison full of anger and thoughts of revenge.

She kept reading, skipping the words she didn’t understand, until she came to:
The appellant Roy Smythson was charged with one count of assault in the fifth degree and one count of burglary in the first degree for forcefully entering his ex-girlfriend’s place of residence and physically assaulting her…

“I was never his girlfriend!” She continued reading about his felony armed robbery and then skipped ahead.

After completing nearly four months of the anger and substance-abuse residential treatment program…

“Anger and substance-abuse program! What? He didn’t have a substance-abuse problem…” or did he? Thinking about his behavior, she kept reading.

Appellant was taken into custody by law enforcement due to his disturbing conduct during a morning anger management class. Appellant started making ape noises in front of other students which became gradually
deafening until they were piercing shrieks. The staff attempted to quiet appellant but he continued his disruptive behavior. Law enforcement was called. While the police were restraining him his screams turned to a chant, “I’ll kill her! I’m going to kill her…”

“What!”

Appellant was not allowed back into the program, and his parole officer recommended because of the severity of his crimes that he be sent to prison and his probation be revoked.

Rebecca couldn’t believe it. This had to be a mistake. Why didn’t somebody tell her. She would call Victim Services as soon as she could. She either wanted Roy’s parole officer’s phone number or she wanted Victim Services to check with his parole officer to make sure he was still checking in. Would he have a parole officer? Or after serving five years is that it, his time was served? She needed answers. She desperately needed to find out what had happened to Roy. This document made Roy sound crazy, really crazy. How could he be such a mess? She almost felt sorry for him.

“Let me think about this… let me think.” Just because that happened, didn’t mean that he hadn’t straightened out his life. It didn’t mean that he was coming after her. It didn’t mean anything. That happened over five years ago. She was sure prisoners received counseling while incarcerated. Rebecca thought about Jack’s comment about Roy having five years to plan his revenge. Now that terrified her. “Revenge… Revenge…” The word sounded strange to her. She couldn’t comprehend its meaning. She grabbed her dictionary and looked up revenge: returning injury.

Should she call Jack? She checked the time and decided to wait until after she had spoken with Victim Services. She felt awful. She
was sick to her stomach. She wanted it to be a bad dream. She wanted all of it to go away. She felt so overwhelmed that she didn’t want to think about it anymore. She called Lily and they trudged back to bed.

She brought both cordless phones upstairs with her, pushed the chair in front of the door and made sure it was locked. She turned on the TV, but the only thing that was on at that time of morning was a Lifetime movie so she started to watch, hoping it would distract her. But most of all she wanted to go back to sleep and wake up from the dream. Both of Rebecca’s thumbs rested between her pinky and ring finger. She was terrified. She had a deep foreboding that Roy was out there, watching her.

Rebecca lay there recognizing that she had become one of
those
women, one of those women who lived in fear, always hiding, stifling their lives to escape being found. Her fear was disrupting her life. It wasn’t fair that she had to live like that. Roy was winning. How much time had to pass before she could live fully, without fear? Rebecca started to cry. She didn’t want to be afraid; she didn’t want to live like that anymore. She would take action. Maybe she would get a gun.

For five years, Rebecca could have been free from worrying about Roy. Five years. Nobody cared enough to even tell her that they had caught up with Roy and that he was going to prison for five years. She could have had five years of freedom.

Maybe this is just the way it is for women. Maybe all women at her age start dealing with these types of fears. Most women have had ex-boyfriends, husbands and lovers. Women have dated people who weren’t good for them or weren’t healthy. Women have dated the
bad boys and the drug addicts or alcoholics. Women have dated the bipolars and the depressed. Women have dated the users and abusers. Women have dated the needy, controlling and the jealous types. Women have dated the really nice guys, only to discover later that they are cheaters or have some deep, dirty past or fetish. By Rebecca’s age maybe all women carry a burden of fear because of their pasts with men.

Jack called and woke Rebecca.

“My night was good, but I didn’t get as much done as I had hoped,” she yawned. “How was your night?”

“Well, after we talked I turned on the TV, and I think I was asleep by the first commercial.”

Rebecca tried to laugh. “You were tired. How did you sleep?”

“Pretty good. How about you?”

“I didn’t sleep well. Lily was barking a lot… You know, neither of us sleeps well when you’re not home. Maybe she’s a little nervous without you here.” What she wanted to say was, “I’m scared without you here. Please come home.”

“Well, I’ll be home soon. How are the coyotes?”

“They’re around. I hear them every night. In fact, I got up around three and now I’m back in bed… Oh, my God! I forgot to turn off the coffee maker!” She got out of bed, pushed the chair out of the way and headed downstairs. “I’ll take you with me.”

“Wow, you beat me getting up. What time did you get to bed last night?”

“I’m not even sure.”

“Oh, honey, you’re not getting enough sleep. I should let you go back to bed.”

Rebecca opened all the blinds after turning off the coffee. It was a beautiful morning, still dark with stars high in the sky and the moon shining brightly. The storm had passed. “I’m glad you woke me. I have a lot on my mind, and I want to finish Angie’s packet today, then start on the fun part.”

“Your Ps.”

“That’s right,” Rebecca smiled.

“Is everything else okay? You sound a little down.”

Rebecca started crying but didn’t want Jack to know. “No, I’m okay. I just miss you, that’s all.”

“I miss you, too. Do you want me to come home? You don’t sound yourself, Reb.”

“No, honey, I’m fine. I guess I just get a little scared sometimes: the burglar, the coyotes.”

“Is the alarm set?”

“Of course.”

“Then you’re safe, honey. Don’t worry. And the coyotes won’t hurt you. They are more afraid of you than you are of them.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t go that far.” Rebecca laughed and Jack joined in. Rebecca felt better, with Jack making her feel like nothing could or would ever hurt her.

“Honey, maybe you have cabin fever. Maybe you should call a friend and go have lunch, see a movie or go shopping. Maybe you need to get out of the house for a while.”

“You know, that’s a good idea. You’re probably right,” she agreed, knowing that she wouldn’t be going anywhere, at least not until she finished what she had set out to do.

Before they hung up, Jack told her to call him any time she needed to talk. He said it didn’t matter if he was in a meeting, out for lunch or sleeping, he would answer his phone when she called. He also told her that if she needed him home, he would come home. All she had to do was pick up the phone. Jack reassured her without realizing it, and she knew that sometimes Jack liked to be needed by her. It made him feel important. She did need him—she couldn’t imagine life without him.

Although Rebecca’s sleep had been restless, she was feeling better. It was starting to lighten outside and that made Rebecca feel safer. Rebecca went back upstairs to make the bed and clean up. She started thinking about the self-defense classes she took right after Roy attacked her, she thought about what she already knew and what she had learned. Before she was attacked, Rebecca believed that she would stay and fight, turn anyone who wanted to hurt her into her victim. But after her experience with Roy, she understood the strength of a man who was crazy on adrenaline. She knew that a hit to the head rattled the brain and caused a fuzzy feeling of disbelief. She knew the first thought after the shock was, “I can’t believe this is happening to me.” She also knew that the only logical thing to do was to get away and find safety. She was no longer naive about her own strength or ability to fight back.

But Rebecca also knew that though a perpetrator may be physically stronger, he was not mentally stronger than a woman. Perpetrators were cowards who were scared, foolish and error prone.
Rebecca knew how important it was to keep your cool, watch and wait for him to make a mistake so you can get away.

From the class she learned: If he grabs you by the wrist, always pull away toward his thumb. It is the weakest part of his grip. If he’s in front of you choking you, extend your arms up through the space between the two of you, twist with your elbows out and spin back throwing him an elbow to the face. The elbow is one of our hardest surfaces. If he’s holding you from behind, you can punch him in the groin, kick out his knee or grab a weapon like a pencil and stab him in the groin. You can also stomp on his foot as close to his leg as possible. This part of the foot is easy to break and it will disable him from chasing after you. If he’s coming at you, you can push the palm or heel of your hand in an upward motion to his nose. Or if he is coming toward you, you can grab him by the shirt or shoulders and knee him in the groin as hard as you can. If you’re down on your back, don’t let him on you. You can kick at him for as long as it takes; he’ll wear out before you do. It doesn’t matter if your dress is up around your waist or you’ve lost a shoe, keep kicking at him. If a perpetrator has a knife or gun and you decide to run, run in a zigzag pattern. If you decide to carry mace, don’t depend on it alone; mace can fail. Depend on your hands, knees, elbows and mind to get you through—your brain will never fail you.

Learning self-defense was empowering. The classes gave women some defense tools, but more importantly taught women to stand up straight with their eyes wide open. They gave women confidence that a potential perpetrator would see and then usually decide to find a less confident person to victimize.

Rebecca wanted to be more confident, but she had this nagging feeling that Roy would continue to haunt her. It wasn’t just revenge she was concerned about; it was that she would spend the rest of her life living in fear. She wanted her life back.

Rebecca went back downstairs to feed Lily. After Lily finished eating, Rebecca cleaned and refilled her water dish, then took her outside. Rebecca quickly ate some yogurt and a granola bar before going to her office. She found the Victim Services phone number and left a message with her questions and concerns. She worked for three hours organizing her office, filling another garbage bag with unneeded papers. She took notes on Angie as she worked and started to have a clearer idea of the direction her PR would take. Rebecca came up with three exciting ideas and emailed Angie to call her when she got a chance.

At a little after eleven, Rebecca ordered pizza from the only place that delivered out that far and continued working in her office. She felt great. She felt strong, and she was certain that she had been making a big deal about nothing. How could Roy even find her? She had moved several times, and she was married. Besides, as crazy as he seemed, she really didn’t believe he would want to hurt her. She never felt he wanted to hurt her; he wanted to be with her. It was control that he wanted, and she wanted to believe she could handle him if he ever showed up.

She could drive herself crazy thinking about somebody hurting her or breaking into her home. It could just as easily be the guy about to deliver pizza or the man who came over a few weeks ago to check and service all the door locks. They didn’t know him, yet he was in their home and had access to all of their locks. If she was afraid all the time, if she felt she couldn’t take care of herself, then she was no longer living. If fear became her life, how could Jack or any person respect her? How could she respect herself? This crazy fear could keep a victim in a constant state of uncertainty. She
would never feel confident, secure or positive about her life if she didn’t stay strong and work through her fears.

Rebecca heard a hard thud from downstairs. Lily heard it too and started barking, running to the stairway and looking down, but too afraid to investigate. Rebecca grabbed the phone and dialed 9-1-1 but didn’t hit the send button. Rebecca went down the first few steps, then leaned over to check that nobody was there ready to grab her ankles. Lily looked at her like she was insane. Nobody was under the stairs, so she hurried down the rest of the way with Lily following. Nothing was out of place. She walked into the gym and nobody was there. When she turned and started walking toward the bar and pool table, she saw two birds on the pavers outside of the large family-room windows.