Ride On (35 page)

‘Were they not all gay?'

‘Yeah. Well thanks to you I'm waking up in the mornings tapping away to the fucking bass line on me leg. I have a reputation, so I do.'

‘I won't tell anyone. Shut up whinging a minute, will you, and tell me how you are anyway.'

‘How I am?'

‘Well … just for instance, like … you've barely mentioned Helen's name since the accident.'

‘Ah, right. Only a matter of time, wasn't it Jimmy? I was wondering what was keeping you.'

‘None of my business, man. I was just wondering how you're getting on.'

‘None of your business my arse, Jimmy! You've only been fizzing at the bunghole waiting for me to spill me guts about that, look at you.'

‘I haven't!'

‘Yeah, right. Well anyway, what do you want to know?'

‘Are you all right? I mean, I know you really liked her …'

‘Yeah. I did.'

‘And?'

‘And I got the red card, didn't I? So I got shitfaced and rode Jessie out of badness.'

‘That wasn't very nice.'

‘Jimmy, I was hurt, sad and very fucking drunk. When you're like that, it's just like Shakespeare said, y'know?
Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow
…'

‘Shakespeare, yeah …'

‘And anyway, I can't tell you how nice it was Jimmy, I was that drunk. But if you mean that it was a prick of a thing to do, then yeah. It was. Riding Helen's mate … stupid.'

‘Well, she didn't have to …'

‘Ah, what was she s'posed to do, Jimmy? Once I started going for it, like. She's only human.'

‘So is Helen.'

‘She's not man. That was the problem. She was … something else. Really.'

‘But you're okay now?'

‘Yeah. Well, no. I mean, I haven't had a bounce since Jessie. Can you believe that?'

‘Really? No nurses or anything?'

‘No. And it's not for the want of a fucking horn either, I can tell you that for nothing.'

‘Lovely. So, why then?'

‘Ah … just … there's a difference between the sex I've been getting since we got famous and whatever I felt with Helen. I haven't been able to … get it right in me head yet. Not that me head was a hundred percent anyway, with Bronski Beat milling through it, ye bastard. But anyway, yeah, I just felt something with her. And it was nothing to do with riding I don't think. But it was really good. Until it wasn't.'

‘Love?'

‘If that's love, man, keep it the fuck away from me. Love gave me brain damage, didn't it?'

‘Aesop, running forehead-first into a fucking Volvo gave you brain damage.'

‘Whatever. One thing led to the other.'

‘So this is a whole new sensitive Aesop in our midst?'

‘I don't know about that, Jimmy. Let's just say that once I start … eh … dating again, I'll have an idea what I might be looking for.'

‘I s'pose that's something.'

‘Yeah. But I haven't been able to … y'know … just forget about her.'

‘That's normal. Fuck sake, look who you're talking to.'

‘Yeah, but you're a homo, Jimmy. I'm not used to it.'

‘You'll get used to it.'

‘I don't want to, man. I want Helen and all the shit that goes with her out of my head so I can just …'

‘Move on?'

‘Yeah! Move on, play on, ride on … get me fuckin' life back, y'know? I need to get out of here and up on a stage so I can play my bollocks off and score some chick and pretend that none of this ever happened.'

Jesus, thought Jimmy. Maybe this wasn't the best time to talk to Aesop about what he'd come to talk to him about.

‘What's wrong?' said Aesop.

‘What?'

‘What's with the head on you?'

‘Oh. Nothing. Just …'

‘Just what?'

‘Look man, I was talking to Dónal and he … well first of all he just mentioned that Senturion are mad for us to tour.'

‘Jesus. Aren't we all?'

‘Yeah. Well, apparently, they want me to get a couple of session musicians and tour the album.'

Aesop just nodded, but he seemed to shrink a little in the bed.

‘Of course I told him to tell them to fuck off.'

Nothing.

‘And then he said I might just do a couple of acoustic gigs. Small ones, y'know? Just around town or whatever. Say hello to the punters.'

‘Right,' said Aesop. His face was blank. ‘What did you say?'

‘Well, I told him I'd talk to you about that.'

‘Why do you need to talk to me?'

‘Because … well, I don't want you thinking of me up there doing it without you.'

‘But I can't do it.'

‘I know. But even an acoustic gig … I'd feel shite knowing that I was only doing it because your arm and leg are fucked.'

Aesop nodded again and looked over at the other side of the room for a minute.

‘Fuck it,' he said then. ‘Just do it, Jimmy.'

‘What? Ah no …'

‘Jimmy, listen to me. I want nothing more than to do a gig. Nothing. It's the only thing I see myself doing when I get out of here. The only thing I give a fuck about because I know that once I do it, then all this shit is over. Okay?'

‘Okay.'

‘So … the next best thing would be to see you do one.'

‘Aesop …'

Aesop's bad hand came up and held Jimmy's arm.

‘Not bad,' said Jimmy, looking at it.

‘Yeah, well if I could give you a decent slap on the head, I would. Do the fucking gig, Jimmy.'

Jimmy nodded, still looking at Aesop's hand. It was great to see some strength in it, but he was a long way off his Comeback Special. What would The Grove be by then? Something they just trotted out of The Vault during nostalgia week on MTV?

‘Are you sure?' he said.

‘Jimmy do the gig. Just one, even. See what it feels like.'

Jimmy nodded and looked down at Aesop's hand on his arm again, the pencil and pad where he'd been writing his name over and over, the little rubber ball for squeezing on his lap, the half-kilo weight on the bedside table. Aesop was right.

Just then Bronski Beat came on the iPod. The bass intro to ‘Smalltown Boy'. They both looked at each other and laughed. Jimmy spotted Aesop's hand tapping away on his arm.

‘Look at that!' he said, pointing.

‘Oh God. See what you've done to me, Collins? See what's after happening to me?'

‘I'm putting this on the website, man.'

‘You said you wouldn't tell!'

‘Me bollix, Aesop. The world needs to know that the brain damage is permanent.'

‘Bastard!'

Aesop picked up the remote and flicked forward to a Buzzcocks song.

‘Ah, that's better,' he said, putting his head back onto the pillow.

‘You're really cool with me doing a gig, Aesop?' said Jimmy.

Aesop sighed.

‘Yeah. Fuck it. I'll be back up there with you one day, Jimmy. Keep the stage warmed up for me.'

‘It won't freak you out to see me up there in front of the punters?'

‘I'll get up and give them a wave. Show them how I'm getting on. I'll be grand.'

*

Norman slung his bag onto his shoulder. Trish had two fistfuls of his coat, but she wasn't pulling him back. She just wanted to feel him there with her. He walked out the door with her and they stood in the small garden of her house.

‘I've to go,' he said. ‘The plane …'

‘Norman … there's … I …'

‘Yeah?'

She paused, biting her lip. Then she just shook her head, hair sticking to her soaked face, and let go of his coat.

He walked down the driveway to the waiting taxi.

*

Jimmy walked out of Beaumont Hospital slowly, not even noticing the bustle in the lobby, the crying of a child, the pale sun in the sky. He stood just outside and sat down on a bench to light up a smoke. The pox of it all was that Aesop might never be the drummer he was before the accident. And Shiggy was gone. That Grove was over. He had to think of it like that. Maybe it
was
time for him to move on, do this gig. He thought of Aesop back in his room, the only thing in his head being the day he played again and always the crushing feeling somewhere else in him that it might never come. That would be the worst thing that could happen to someone like Aesop. He needed that crowd like other people needed air.

Jimmy closed his eyes and imagined a solo gig. He could see the hollering crowd, hear the thundering echoes of his guitar, feel the heat of the lights. It would be brilliant of course. Being back in the middle of all that. But then he imagined himself turning around and seeing nothing but a black curtain behind him and suddenly he didn't want it any more. He wanted his fucking band back. His mates. He stared at the butt in his fingers, twisting and squeezing it until it was dead and hard.

But it was time to start thinking about the future. He sat and thought about that. His future.

Finally, he took out his phone and called Dónal, telling him to book a gig in McGuigans for six weeks time. Dónal knew not to ask too many questions, and just said he'd sort it out. Jimmy hung up, an almost-forgotten buzz settling into his belly. Okay. He was committed now, but that was okay. This gig would be the best thing he'd ever done. He'd make sure of that. For all of them. Whatever it took to put it together, he had six weeks and Jimmy had always worked better when he had a goal. They wanted a gig? He'd give them a gig they'd never fucking forget.

He dialled another number then. One he should have dialled a long time ago, and would have only for the fucked-up priorities he used to carry around with him. But not any more. Shiggy was right. Life was short.

He heard her voice.

‘Susan?'

Then he had to wait, one finger in his free ear, as a sudden roar shook the air around him and made him look up to the sky. But that was okay. A few more seconds? He'd already waited a lot longer than that to tell her that he needed her more than anything else in his life. That he loved her.

He could wait now for the climbing plane overhead to disappear into the clouds, bringing whoever was in it to wherever they had to go.

Jimmy stood in front of the crowd, his guitar hanging down in front of him. It had been a couple of minutes since he'd walked onto the stage and they were still screaming and clapping. Talk in the music press had been about nothing but this gig ever since it had been announced. Jimmy Collins was going to perform for the first time since the accident nearly four months ago that had claimed the drumming, and very nearly the life, of Aesop. Leet had finished playing about half an hour ago. They were good lads. Interrupted their tour of the UK to fly back and open this gig for Jimmy. Now he just stood there, his ears rattling against the noise of the punters and smiled out at everyone as best he could. He couldn't see much against the lights in his face, but he caught a few eyes and gave a few little waves. Jennifer and Marco, his folks, Dónal and Sparky, his ex-bird Sandra and Beano, her fiancé. He knew his old mate Johnnie Fingers was out there somewhere. He was home from Tokyo to do a bit of business and said he'd get up for a couple of songs. The punters would lose their minds when they saw him. A few of the lads from Kíla were there too. They'd be getting up later to help out with ‘Caillte'. Jimmy couldn't wait till the Irish public got an earful of that. Dónal was already talking about re-releasing it.

Eventually Jimmy held up a hand so that he could say something, but that only made the noise louder. He shook his head and grinned, leaning in to the mike.

‘Will yis shut bleedin' up a minute?'

They laughed then and soon there was only the sound of coughs and whispers.

‘Thanks.'

He adjusted the strap of his guitar, looking for the right words.

‘Eh … well, I s'pose … I don't want to say too much. But there's a couple of things I have to say before I start. Eh …'

He looked down at the floor.

‘Eh … first of all, just … thanks. We've had a bit of a hairy time of it since … the accident. We've, as you know, we've had our share of mishaps. I won't go into the whole thing now, cos the papers just about have it all covered anyway. Aesop … all of us … were just blown away by the generosity of everyone over the last few months. It's been amazing to know that you're all behind us. So … thanks very much.'

He stepped back from the mike and gave a little bow as he waited for the cheering to die down.

‘So, obviously, Aesop can't play the drums at the moment. But I guarantee you that he's working on it!'

More shouts and cheering.

‘And of course Shiggy went back to Japan, so … eh … well, I s'pose you might say that The Grove has been on a bit of a hiatus. But before you went and forgot all about us, I just wanted to play here tonight and to tell you that we appreciate everything that all of you – and a lot of other people – have done for us over the last few months.'

There was no cheering this time. Just clapping. Lots of it, with a few whistles.

‘So … well, the last thing I wanted to say for the moment is that Aesop is very sorry that he's not out there with you. But if you know Aesop, you'll understand that he'd go mad being down in the crowd instead of up here. He told me to pass on his apologies and he'll see you all very soon.'

Jimmy didn't want to drag this out. It was hard enough. Aesop had barely been able to speak when he'd seen him earlier. He tried not to think about it. He waited for the noise to ease off and then he strummed down on his guitar to check the tuning. The lights on the stage collapsed, leaving him standing there on his own in a single shaft of white.

He opened with ‘Wish You Were Here'. He'd played it the last time himself and Aesop had been on a stage together down at the Open Mike night in Cork. The punters swayed and hummed along, lost in it. He hadn't planned on trying to turn on any waterworks. Certainly not this early. But it was happening now, a few girls right in front of him gazing up with shining, wet eyes. Well fuck it. This gig would have a vibe of its own and he wasn't here to put clamps around it. Everyone joined in on the chorus, the sound of it thudding against the walls and the ceiling and making Jimmy's mike resonate against his lips. Everyone in McGuigans tonight was on the same page. Good. He needed them that way.

He went through the set for another hour without stopping or talking. It wasn't all deep and emotional stuff. He played acoustic versions of ‘Landlady Lover' and ‘Alibi', two old Grove favourites. Then he took out a slide and did a Rory Gallagher number, fast and thumping. Jimmy wanted to show off some new stuff, so he played a couple of songs that no one knew. They were tasters from the new album, but he didn't introduce them. He wanted them to speak for themselves. They were based on two Carolan airs. He just closed his eyes and played and did his best to let the songs fill the room without any help from his hips or his grin or that part of him that needed punters to like them more than anything he'd ever written. Then he finished out with ‘Caillte' and ‘More Than Me'. The song that broke the Grove and the song that made them the biggest-selling artists in Europe.

Once he'd taken his bow and looked back out at them, he felt the nerves building in him again. He'd told Dónal he might take a break at this stage of the gig, but he knew he couldn't do that now. He had to keep going. His belly was writhing, sweat on his hands, as he took the mike in his hand again.

‘Thanks very much.'

He waited.

‘Eh, I spoke to Aesop … oh, a good few weeks ago now … and I told him I'd be doing this gig. Y'know what I mean … I didn't know if he'd be all pissed-off that he couldn't play and I wanted to make sure he'd be okay with it. Of course, he was grand. He actually threatened to slap me if I didn't do it!'

Laughter.

‘Anyway, our manager Dónal had already suggested that maybe getting a couple of new people in to take over on the drums and the bass might be an idea. Just temporary, like. It'd be good for the band to be out there, doing concerts for everyone … all that.'

‘So, once I agreed to do this gig, I started thinking about that again. I mean … thinking about getting a new drummer and a new bass player and touring with The Grove again. So anyway, I talked to Aesop about it, and he said I should do it too. He wanted to see The Grove out there.'

Now there wasn't even any coughing or whispering. Even the staff were staring up at him, not really sure about where this was going.

‘So then I called Shiggy in Japan. Just to see. But he said the same thing. He told me that The Grove shouldn't stop just because of what had happened. So, anyway, to be honest with you … I guess tonight was never really a Jimmy Collins gig. Jimmy Collins is part of a band. And now I think it's time for you to meet the rest of that band … '

Jimmy stood back from the mike and looked stage left with one hand out.

Shiggy walked out first, but the crowd didn't even get a chance to roar.

Aesop appeared, grinning, and limped over to the middle of the stage. The three of them hugged and waved out at the erupting scene in front of them.

Jimmy stepped up to the mike again and grinned.

‘Weren't expecting that, were you? Yeah. Well you wouldn't believe how nervous we all are, I'm telling you.'

He pointed to Shiggy next to him.

‘He never fuckin' told us he played the drums!'

Shiggy pumped the air with two sticks and leaned into the mike.

‘Never fuckin' ask, Jimmy.'

Jimmy turned around and helped Aesop strap on the bass as Shiggy got in behind the drum kit. Back at the mike he put on a pair of dark shades and pointed over to his left.

‘Hit it Aesop.'

Aesop started the bass line to ‘Strut' and then Shiggy came in on the high-hat.

Jimmy leapt up into the air and the roar of his guitar as he came down was the only thing that could have drowned out the noise of the crowd as nearly three hundred people screamed and rushed the stage.

He looked around at the lads and grinned. He was home, at long fucking last. Then he shuffled over to the edge of the stage and got down on his knees, his guitar still wailing and screeching. He leaned down without missing a note and planted a big one on the beautiful girl that was dancing there. She kissed him back and said something, but he couldn't hear what it was. Didn't matter.

He'd ask her later when they got home.

*

Down in the audience, they were feeling nothing but love. A mother wiped away her tears as she looked up at the stage. She only had one son, but they were all her boys up there. She'd never felt so proud, even as she grimaced against the noise. A policewoman held her girlfriend's hand and tried not to allow herself get too caught up in the gig. She'd promised Dónal that she'd keep an eye out, just in case. An old sound engineer frowned down at his desk and made sure that every nuance that Jimmy had planned would come out of the speakers for him. Occasionally, he'd yell abuse at the young guy doing the lights next to him, but on the whole he was pretty happy. He pulled out a banana and peeled it. An English girl gazed up at her man. She'd never seen this before, never imagined it would be like this, and would have pinched herself if her hands weren't punching the air.

Further back, a big guy from Cork stood against the wall with his girl, grinning and tapping his foot. He'd seen it loads of times, but hadn't expected ever to see it again. The young nurse stood in front of him so that he could fold his hands across her belly. He leaned down and kissed her neck and remembered when she'd called him back that day as his hand was swinging his bag into the back of a taxi. How she'd told him and then how every bad thing that had ever happened to him, in that instant, didn't matter any more and never would again.

Right at the back wall, a father held his son on his shoulders. They were coming out of a rough time too, although they'd never be completely free of it. They'd lost a daughter, a sister. Little Philomena was gone, but things were slowly getting better again. Liam roared laughing and sang as he held on around his Dad's chin. His skinny frame was lost in the folds of the huge black Cradle of Filth t-shirt that he'd suddenly produced and started to wear a few months ago, when things had been really bad. But he'd been seeing someone since then, getting some proper help. Now he didn't keep spending all his money on flowers for her grave. He didn't sit reading her diary any more for hours on end, drawing little lovehearts in it to match the hundreds she'd drawn on it for herself and her favourite rockstar. He'd stopped running away at night too.

And he hadn't wet the bed in a long time now …