Riley Park (7 page)

He can read it. He just can't understand what I wrote. My face feels hot.

Officer Rex hands the paper to the judge. The judge looks at it. Her eyebrows lift, and she hands the paper back to me. She says, “Corbin, can you tell us what this paper says?”

From the back of the courtroom, Jason gives me a thumbs-up.

I say to her, “Sometimes I can't remember words. I know what I want to say, but I can't seem to put the right words on the paper.” I clear my throat and try to read. But I give up and let the paper drop to the floor.

I say, “I don't know who I am anymore.”

I take a breath.

“I used to be a hockey player. I was pretty good even. But I've got a new normal now, and I can't play hockey.”

My dad looks down at his lap.

“I used to have a car,” I say, “but I sold it. I had to sell it to pay for the damage I did to someone else. But I don't want to drive, not really. I'm afraid to drive. I'm afraid I'll forget what exit to take and that I'll get lost.

I'm afraid I'll have a seizure and drive into someone. My mother takes time off work and drives me to physio appointments and medical appointments.” I swallow. “Every day is a personal best, just because I get through it.”

I look at the back of the courtroom, at the line of kids standing because there are no seats. I say, “I used to have a best friend. At Riley Park, I lost him. He died in the hospital.”

I look at Darius's mother. She blinks back tears.

“But that's where I lost him, at Riley Park. That's where he was when he was last alive. He and I, we jumped the gap and he was alive.” I point at the kids at the back of the room. “At Riley Park, we all lost Darius.”

I look again at Quinton. “I almost died at Riley Park. Not when Quinton hit me in the back of the head with the bar, although part of me died that night. But I broke through the ice at Riley Park, and a girl saved me. Her name is Rubee.”

Quinton looks down.

“None of this is Rubee's fault, but she felt she had to move away. She'll graduate with a bunch of people she doesn't even know. And she lost Darius too. Quinton didn't own Rubee. He tried, but she's better than that.”

I turn to Officer Rex. I say, “I used to fight because it made me feel strong. Now I fight for my strength.”

I extend my hand. He smiles, and I notice the splint is gone from his teeth. He takes my hand and shakes it.

Finally, I turn back to the judge. “Every day I fight what happened to me. It's supposed to get easier, but I don't see it getting easier, not yet. I don't know who I am, not yet. All I know is what happened to me isn't who I am. I don't know if that even makes sense.”

The judge leans forward. “You're doing fine,” she says.

“Yes.” I take a big breath. “Maybe I am.”

Diane Tullson is the best-selling author of
Red Sea
,
Saving Jasey
,
The Darwin Expedition
and
Lockdown
. Diane lives in Delta, British Columbia, and is working on an mfa at the University of British Columbia.