Ring Road (39 page)

clergy, 70

–
see also entries under
priesthood

clever,

– phrase, worth quoting 49, 79, 175

clichés, 238

climbing, 119, 267–268

–
see also
falling

clothes, 33, 41, 127, 138, 141, 153, 174, 201, 271, 284–285, 286, 288, 335, 347

– suitable for line dancing, 232, 237

– that are pleasing to God, 76

clothing,

– cheap, 193

– dodgy-looking, 92

– minister's, 76–77, 182

–
see also entries under
caps, chinos, shoes
and
underwear

cloud, 70, 195

– has a silver lining, every, 265

– of unknowing, 73n.

cloudcuckooland, 108

clubs, 175, 355–356

coal, 235

cobbling, 312

cocaine, 303

coffee, 57, 57n., 153, 169–170, 220, 234, 324, 337–338

coincidences, 101

– almost unbelievable, 46n.

– totally incredible, 332–366
passim

– see also entries under
serendipity

collecting,

– as opposite of experience, 236

college,

– Bible, 80

colour,

– grey, 290

– magnolia, 287

– nylon sheets retain their, 148

– off, 177

– of urine, one of life's few constants, 4—5

– pink, teal, salmon and peri- winkle, 287

– so-called ‘heritage', looks like bird-shit, 119

Colour Me Beautiful™, 287

comeliness,

– of phrase 43, 195

committees, 54

– are a
cul de sac,
226

common sense, 227–228

communication,

– breaks down, 77, 104–105, 212–213, 232, 262

communism, 117, 196n., 231

–
see also entries under
pessimism

complacency,

– examples of, 41

condensation,

– mistaken for epiphany, 131

conscience, 41–42

conspiracy, 146–147, 335

–
see also entries under
plot

consultants,

– management and brand, ridiculed and mocked, 249–250

contraries,

– the importance of maintaining oneself between, 123, 346

controversy, 330

conversation, 1

– extremely limited, examples of, 123, 125, 145, 232, 330–331

conversion, 79–80, 188

Cookson, Catherine,

– triumphant, 240n.

crime,

– doesn't pay, 94

crisis,

– what crisis? 350

criticism,

– as inevitable as breathing, 325–326

– is bad for the soul, 325–326

cross,

– how to make a, 190–191

– the, as a stumbling block, 192

– used to light fires, Francie McGinn's, 192

crowd,

– the apparition of these faces in the, 5, 63

cruises, 65, 136

–
see also entries under
holidays

crust,

– on Mrs Quinn's meat pie, over-cooked, 124

– outer, nothing much to beef about, 170

– upper, 329–330

crying, 110, 255, 261, 342

culture,

– notes towards the definition of, 164–179

– total lack of, 56–57

dances, 136, 178–179, 203

dancing, 2, 38, 240, 321, 358

– line, 229–242
passim,
347–348

– rock n'roll, 233

Dante Alighieri, 157–158

– LASCIATE OGNI SPERANZA, VOI CH'ENTRATE, in English, 72

daughters,

– polished after the similitude of a palace, 308n.

day-dreams, 93–101
passim,
108, 216–218

dead,

– being, compared to sitting in a cinema, 44

– difficulty of feeling sympathy for the, 27

–half, 119–120

– you're not, yet, 180

death, 50–51, 171

– drawing strength from, a terrible truth about, 117

– imminent, and baking, 200

– industrial, 27

– no longer has the clout it used to, 258

–
The Book of the,
in imitation red vellum, 341

decay, 55–56

decline,

– long, slow and inevitable, 2–366
passim

décor, 206, 355–356

decorating,

– painting and, 62, 72, 88, 109, 119–121, 126–131, 294

déjà vu, 122–123

dejection, 113

Delia Smith's Christmas,
346

delusions,

– sad and consoling, 51–53, 67–68, 108, 216–218

–
see also
religion

demystification,

– effects of, 73n., 306–307

De Niro, Robert, 307

depressing,

– truth about life, a, 102

dereliction, 16, 17, 93, 164

–
see also entries under
death, decay, decline, despair, destruction,
or just look around you

desire,

–
see
shopping,

despair, 29, 110–111, 284

– and U2, 315

destruction, 15–17, 42, 84, 109, 151, 176, 323–324

dialogue, 145–147

diarrhoea, 103, 306

–
see also
vomiting

DiCaprio, Leonardo, 264

– in short trousers, 307

Dickens,

– a glass raised to, 334

– what the, 269

dignity, 174

disappointments, 93, 326–327, 365

– huge, 4, 110

– not so huge, 240–241

disapproval,

– Mrs Donelly's silent, 44

disasters, 131

discord, 77

discouragement, 68n. 102

disgrace, 93

disgust, 255

dishonesty, xii

disillusion, 112, 192–194, 344

disintegration, 88–89, 217, 282

dissatisfaction, 241

divorce, 155–156, 302, 305, 309

– lamentable, 344–346

DIY,

– necessity of, turned into a virtue, 127

dog, 100–101, 197

– as an excuse, 262

– Dickensian, 334

– every, has his day, 321n., 329

– fouling controversy, 45

– little cold wet, compared to wind, 270

– looking after a, is a breeze, compared to looking after a child, 45

– owning, and the opportunity to act as a lord of misrule, 45

– scarf knitted from the hair of a dead 2

– With The Kindliest Expression, The 47

dope, 97

down,

– and out, 131

– in the world, come, 362n.

dreams,

–
see
nightmares

drink, 126, 140, 187, 281, 332, 333, 349, 357

– fashions in, 65

– is not the answer to your problems, 104–105, 111, 116, 163, 255

– refusal of a, as marking out a man, 143

–
see also entries under
beer, champagne, Martini, Shloer
and
wine

drugs, 90, 171, 172, 208, 364

– and Chupa-Chup lollies, 221

– crosswords and, 221

–
see also entries under
cocaine, dope
and
Prozac

drummers,

– the usual trouble with, 297

Duchess of Malfi, The,
325–326

duffel-coats, 77, 273

durability,

– surprising, of well-worn phrases, 239

duvets, 113, 223n.

– are always too hot or too cold, 192

dwarf,

– ‘The Laughing', 301

dying, 314–315

Dylan, Bob, 74, 75, 150

– is a myth these days, like Odysseus, 67

ears,

– large, as a sign of intelligence, according to a magazine, 287–288

– wet behind the, 68

–
see also entries under
Van Gogh

Easter, 74

eating, 238, 255

economics,

– a simple lesson in, 224

ecstasy, 79–80

editors, 151–153, 162

– lickspittling, 313–315

education, 240

eggs,

– can't make an omelette without breaking, 177

electrocution, 118

–
see also entries under
acupuncture

elegance, 174

elocution lessons, 300

Elvis, 139, 239

embarrassment, 2, 110, 111, 267

Eminem, 150

– as an example, 91

emotions

– confused with sentimentality, 232

– how to avoid, if at all possible, 254–255, 264

– outside the home, 232

employment,

– hasty, 126

ennui, 98–99

enthusiasm, 2, 71, 135

– distrusted, 3n., 136, 326

– exhorted, 315, 326

Enthusiast, The,
68n.

envy, 333

err,

– to, is human, 344–345

evil,

– Banoffee pie symbolises, 324

– reviewers are, 325–326

evolution, 102, 172–179

exaggerations, ix–xii

exercise, 237

– videos, 193

expectations,

– unfulfilled, 4, 110

experience, 236–237, 347

face, 9–10, 235

– Frank Gilbey's, is like the sour-dough bread in the
River Café
Cook Book (One),
138

– the music, time to, 147, 306–307

–
see also entries under
make up, facts, 159–160, 322–323

– scientific, 113

failure, 112, 134

fair,

– play to you, 19

faith, 73

falling, 119

–
see also
climbing

families, 36, 130

– and Huddersfield, 33

– disintegration of, 155, 185

– other people's, 96

– size of, 1–2, 273

fantasy, 77, 98

– product of grief 217–218

–
see also entries under
sex

fashion,

– comes and goes, 2

– failing to keep up with, Francie McGinn's, 76–77

– mistakes, for the larger lady, 42

Father Christmas,

– as wardrobe assistant, 76

– Davey Quinn Senior does not believe in, 121

– Frank Gilbey as, 349–350

fathers,

– absent but dominating presence of, 91, 293

– and fat necks, in profile, 11

– as genial buffoons, 211

– eating steak, 293

– underestimating their children, 223

– vague, like the Holy Spirit, 208

– who shout, the damaging long-term effects on children of, 254

fatness, 74, 86–87

fear, 181

feeling,

– imprecision of, 131, 341

feminism,

– and biblical interpretation, 305

– and rock‘n'roll dancing, 233

Fiddler on the Roof, The

– strictly
goyische
version of, 299–300

fight, 278

finger,

– in every pie, Frank Gilbey has a, 87

–
see also entries under
pies/puddings

fire,

– redeeming, 364–366

fish, 198

flirting, 349

flood,

– Great, the, 311

Florida,

– terminal illness and, 27

food, 16–17, 74, 85–86, 98, 121–126, 138, 140, 178, 187, 198, 254, 265, 268, 293

– Bob's mum's, 29–30

– Christian, 77, 307

– deserves respect, 252

– frozen, 200

– good-intentioned, 199–200

– implies sex, money and power, 252

– poets', is love and fame, 61–64, 108

– sea, 333

–
see also separate entries under
angel delight, avocado, biscuits, breakfast, carvery, chips, Chip Crisps, Christmas dinner, Chunky Butts,
Delia Smith's
Christmas,
fish, fudge/toffees, garlic, gâteaux, gravy, ham, kebabs, meatloaf/Meatloaf, Mediterranean, pancakes, pies/puddings, potatoes, sand-wiches, saveloys, snacks, Spam, Sunday lunch, sushi, sweets,
and
waffles

foot,

– diseases of the, 193, 210, 230

forgiveness, 106, 211, 344

four-letter words, 241

franchising,

– the beauty of, 246–248

freedom, 232–233, 265

–
see also entries under
bondage

freewill,

– obvious downside to, 83, 306

freshness, 249

– problem with, as a concept, Freud, Sigmund, 171

friends, 158, 292

– gathered flock of, 62–63

Friends,
249, 349

– and its effect on the coffee-buying public, 271–272

– is at least funny, 234

friendship,

– overrated, 280, 315–316

fruit,

– forbidden, 83

frustrations, 54, 99

fudge,

– and toffees, 161

fun, 83, 146, 204

funerals, 257, 266–267

futility, 83, 239

future, 22, 23, 127

gamblers, 332–334

garage,

– archetypal, an, 47

garden, 4, 283

– loss of innocence in, 203–204

– recovery of stolen goods from, 328–329

garlic,

– mushrooms, with melted Brie, a passing fad, 272n.

– the slightest hint of, Mr Donelly can sniff out, 198

gâteaux,

– Black Forest, has firmly taken root, 272

generalities,

– glittering, xi, 4–5, 180, 367–386

generosity,

– can be hard to bear, 25

gentility, 159

gift,

– implies obligations, 4

glamour, 174, 238

God,

– clearly has a sense of humour, 70–71

– closest thing to, is the sound of Enya and a running bath, 182

– displays an apparent lack of interest in the workings of local councils, 71

– has an excellent three tone resonance, 303

– in the world of the sandwich, Bob Savory is like, 143

– is absent from the high seas, 50

– Is Dead, according to Nietzsche, and Gerry Malone, 32