Risk Taker (20 page)

The perfect evening with Ethan was once more spoiled by her past, Sarah thought, as she cried unwillingly in his arms. For over a decade, she had sworn not to cry, not to give voice to her shadowed past, and she had not. There was just something about Ethan that dissolved her shields. Sarah was vulnerable once more. Ethan rocked her slowly in his arms, as if she were that hurt child, trying to soothe and calm her. There was such savage pain ripping through her heart. She sobbed, and her tears flowed across his chest and were absorbed in his dark hair. Sarah couldn’t stop the convulsive sobs that tore out of her. She’d never cried like this in her life, never released the terror and hurt that still resided deep within her soul.

Ethan felt helpless rage. As a SEAL, he hadn’t often felt that because there were always steps to be taken, actions to be initiated. How could he affect Sarah’s haunting past, which even now threw a shadow over her life?

Ethan closed his eyes, pressing small kisses against her tangled hair, feeling anger he couldn’t act on.

And what amazed him the most was Sarah’s warrior side, which was solid, brazen and gutsy. But the woman side of her, the wounded, abandoned child living within her—there was a war going on for control of her soul.

Slowly, Ethan was beginning to grasp that he had forged more of Sarah’s trust between them tonight. And it was probably the first time she’d ever given so much to a man. After all, a man had killed a part of her soul, taken something from her so precious and beautiful, without asking. God, he wanted to kill that bastard with his own two hands. Was that the ugliness she felt inside herself?

Ethan buried his feelings deep. “You know what?” he rasped softly against her temple, strands of her hair tickling his nose and mouth. “You are a treasure to me, Sarah. You are giving me your trust, your heart and your incredibly sensitive, beautiful body. You are an extraordinary being, angel. And if you don’t know that, then I intend to show you over time just how beautiful a woman you are.”

Ethan gave Sarah a long embrace, as if to imprint his emotional words on her heart. In the deepest recesses of himself, he wanted to help Sarah heal from what she had endured as a child. He was stunned to realize that he’d somehow slipped past those walls, her defensiveness, her distrust. Now he understood even more deeply his responsibility toward her, to treat Sarah as the woman he saw in her, not as how she felt inwardly about herself. Ethan could show her the way through his caresses, his loving her, his treating her as an equal so that she was allowed to discover herself.

It scared the hell out of Ethan when he looked at the larger picture, comprehending the depth of wounding Sarah had endured. Only love, his mother had told him over and over again, could ever heal a broken heart. And in Sarah’s case, a broken soul. But even a broken soul could be put back together with love. And he had more than enough love in his heart to share it with her.

Sniffing, Sarah murmured apologetically, “I’m sorry, Ethan. I didn’t mean to bawl like a baby.”

“You never have to apologize to me, Sarah. You needed a good cry,” Ethan assured her, reaching over to the nightstand to find her a tissue. “I’m glad I was the one you trusted enough to cry with.”

Sarah sniffed, blotted her eyes and blew her nose. Ethan ached for her, seeing the terror deep in her grief-stricken blue eyes. No wonder she had appeared so sad when he’d first met her. His intuition had been right about how truly disconsolate she was. He held her tightly in his arms.

“I learned early on crying didn’t help anything. It just got me into more trouble, not less.” Sarah dabbed her eyes, content to be curled up and surrounded by Ethan’s body. She felt safe in her always unsafe world. Sarah looked up into his shadowed, serious face. “I guess it’s you,” she said. “There’s just something about you that if I fly apart and I know you’ll catch all the ugly pieces of me.”

“That’s what a good relationship should be, don’t you think? Taking care of one another?” Ethan took his thumb and brushed away the tear clinging to her cheek. He knew the brave woman medevac pilot. Hell, he’d seen her in action twice. And yet, when it came to personal relationships, she was a cowering child, so unsure of herself. He wanted to kill Caldwell. The force was so powerful within him that Ethan had to compress his lips and not say it out loud. It wouldn’t help Sarah.

“You’re different,” Sarah finally said, her voice a little stronger. “I was watching you this morning coming up the sidewalk toward me. I saw other men around, but none of them walked like you did. There’s such a rock-solid confidence in you, Ethan. The way you look at me makes me want to melt, not cringe. And when you smile at me, I swear I feel sunlight flooding my soul.”

“Now who’s the poet?” Ethan teased, kissing her cheek, her brow, inhaling her scent. Just breathing in Sarah’s sweet, fragrant skin was an aphrodisiac to him in every way. Her lips curved into a partial smile.

“No, you’re the poet.” Sarah looked up at him. “How did you get the way you are? The way you see the world? How do you see through people so easily? Your words are incredible. You paint such beauty with them.”

Ethan closed his eyes and laid his head back on the pillow, contentment flowing through him. “Blame my mom. She’s written and published many books of poetry. She schooled all of us kids in words and their meanings. I remember she began teaching us Latin, as a root language, when I was nine years old. She was a teacher in school and a teacher to us in all kinds of good ways.”

“Do you all write poetry?”

“No. It just rubbed off on me, I guess.”

“Maybe that’s why you’re different,” Sarah murmured, trying to find out what made him unique and, therefore, trustworthy with her heart.

Ethan laughed a little. “Well, don’t tell my SEAL brothers I write poetry or I’d never live it down. They’d razz the hell out of me. I keep a journal with me and when I get time, I write in it about my feelings, what I saw, what touched me, what made me cry or laugh. Sometimes, when I’m inspired by something amazingly out of this world, I write poetry.” Ethan opened his eyes and shared a tender smile with Sarah. “You caught my attention and inspired me the first time I saw you. I went back to my tent, and I couldn’t write fast enough to put all the beautiful things about you down in words that I saw and wanted to capture.”

Sarah absorbed his whispered words, feeling his emotions very close to the surface. This was Ethan’s vulnerable side he was sharing with her. The one he never showed his fellow SEALs, but it was equally a part of him. “How do you reconcile these two very different sides of yourself?”

Ethan shrugged. “My journal. The guys just think I’m keeping a daily journal that I’ll someday give to my kids, when I have them. And that’s not a lie—that’s what I let them think. Sometimes—” he rested his arm across his eyes “—the stuff I see, I can’t wrap my mind, morals, values or beliefs around. The children starving, going barefoot, so thin and hungry. I use the journal more for a personal way to dump my feelings, good and bad, on white paper. It’s better than turning into an alcoholic or trying to run away from the monsters I’ve seen up front and close. And it’s better than pretending I’m tough and nothing can bother me. Because it does.”

Ethan lifted his arm from across his eyes and sifted strands of her silky hair between his fingers. “And sometimes I cry, Sarah. There’s more than a few pages in my journal that are crinkled with my tears because I let go. I never write in my journal around the guys. I go off somewhere alone where I can think and feel.”

“Maybe that’s why I trust you, Ethan. You’re in touch with your emotions. You can cry when most men can’t.” He tangled his long, scarred fingers between her own. Light against dark. Male entwined with female. And it felt so good. So wonderfully freeing to Sarah.

“Listen, the other SEALs will never admit this, but they cry, too. When one of us is wounded or, worse, killed, we’re crying for days afterward. It’s so gut-wrenching. It’s like losing a brother you loved so much and he’s torn out of your life so suddenly...forever.”

Sarah watched as he closed his eyes, as if not wanting to remember those devastating times when he’d lost friends. She ached for him. “That’s the problem with war,” she said, frowning. And it was their problem, too. They were both risk takers in the unpredictable business of chaotic war that played no favorites.

Sarah loved the slow beat of his heart beneath her ear. A heart that loved her. “Ethan? Where are we going? I’ve got another six months here to fulfill before I get sent stateside with my squadron.” She searched his gaze. “War makes realists out of everyone. The idealist in me wants to preserve what we have, but I’m so afraid. We live dangerous lives.”

“I’m a dreamer, too, Sarah.” Ethan continued to run his hands through her silky hair, feeling her relax beneath his ministrations. “Nothing can destroy love if it’s held by both people. Not even a war.” His mouth flattened. “We’re always going to be in a gunfight as long as we’re at Bravo. There’s nothing either of us can do about it.” He eased Sarah onto her back, propping up on one elbow, his other hand moving slowly across her belly. “I have one fix, though.”

She saw the gleam in his eyes. “Uh-oh, when I see that look, I know you’re up to something.” She grinned. His hard face was deeply shadowed. A stranger would find Ethan’s look frightening. But she knew the warrior and the poet beneath that rugged sunburned, bearded face. She had experienced his love, his care and protection.

Ethan’s mouth quirked. “It’s a little fix,” he amended, drowning in her soft blue gaze. “I can let it be known by my platoon that you’re my woman, that we’re serious about one another.”

Sarah started to open her mouth to protest, and he pressed his finger to her lips. “Hear me out.”

Sarah nodded and kissed his finger.

“SEALs look out for their own. They will protect you as quickly as they would me. No man on that forward operating base will ever dare make any kind of pass at you again, Sarah, if the word gets out you belong to a SEAL. And that will get out fast among a thousand guys. They know SEALs won’t tolerate anyone bothering their woman.” His voice dropped with controlled anger. “And that Army guy trying to rape you won’t ever happen again. I could have killed him with the blow I gave him. We’re taught how to kill very quickly and efficiently, but I pulled my punch on him and stunned him instead.”

A hard glitter came to Ethan’s eyes. She felt his rage for just a second before he hid it from her. The saying that if you scratched a civilized man, you’d find a savage just beneath the surface of his skin applied fully to Ethan. He was so gentle with her, sensitive, loving, but just as suddenly, in a different situation, he was a battle-hardened warrior who would fight to his last breath to protect her. She’d seen him in battle twice and knew.

“Yes, well, I tried to take out that guy first. I was walking near the building, just turned the corner and I heard someone coming up behind me. I turned just in time to see his fist coming down at me. I know he wanted to knock me out, but thank God for my karate training. I sidestepped and it was a glancing blow. When he thought he had me on the ground, I hit his nose and broke it. And then he got pissed. I hit him in the eye when he tried to drag me up to my feet. I knew he was trying to haul me around the other corner of that building where no one could see what he was going to do to me.” Sarah shivered, remembering it all too clearly.

“My focus was on you,” Ethan told her quietly. “All I wanted to do was disable the bastard because your nose was bleeding and you were hurt.”

“You still have that interview to look forward to,” she said with distaste. “Since I was here at Bagram, I went over one afternoon to the military police station and they took my testimony.”

“That bastard is going to get court-martialed and thrown out of the military. And he’ll get a helluva lot of brig time.”

“I hope so,” Sarah said.

“That’s why I want you to give me permission to tell my platoon you’re my woman.” He tipped his head, seeing her thinking her way through it.

“Given what happened, I’m okay with it. If I ever get attacked again and you’re not around, maybe one of your SEAL friends can step in and help me.”

“That’s the idea,” Ethan said. “You got nearly a thousand horny men at Bravo. And you got maybe seventy women, mostly pilots. And you’re always going to have some bastard like that Army guy who thought he could take what he wanted and get away with it. Seeing women as weaklings, something he could control.”

“Well, I wasn’t a weakling. If you hadn’t come along when you did, I was going to fight until he killed me because I was
not
going to give in to the bastard.”

Ethan believed her. Sarah was a scrapper of the first order. Flying that Black Hawk, she took no prisoners, either. She expected the same courage of herself as she did her crew. And he wondered if some of that courage had been born in the fires of hardship and experiences she’d had in her young life. What was the saying? What didn’t kill you made you stronger? Sarah was a case in point. Nobody messed with her and got off lightly. He smiled a little. “Well, you’re going to have thirty-nine of my brothers watching your back from now on,” he murmured.

Sarah closed her eyes, inhaling his wonderful male scent of sun, desert and him. “I think I’m going to like having thirty-nine big brothers,” she agreed.

Ethan felt Sarah begin to fall asleep. He smiled and gently caressed her hair, feeling her lush body fully relax against him. God, was there any better feeling than this? Just having her in his arms, her shallow breath flowing softly across his chest, seemed like a dream to Ethan. What were the odds? The last thought he had as he drifted off to sleep was how they could hold what they had and not lose it to the chaos of war.

Chapter 17

E
than stood just inside Ops at Camp Bravo, watching Sarah land the Black Hawk medevac. She’d passed her requalification for medevac pilot status at Bagram yesterday. Sarah had brought two new and badly needed replacement medevac pilots back with her to the forward operating base that morning. He smiled, casually leaning against a column that faced the doors out to the tarmac. He hungered for Sarah. His heart felt lonely without her in his life. Now he was discovering what real love was about.

Ethan’s mind revolved around to some of the married SEALs in his platoon. Those who had stable marriages and strong partners were solid operators. They could focus and carry out their parts of a mission. Other SEALs who had weaker marriages were preoccupied. They were distracted a little or a lot and consequently made mistakes out in the field.

Ethan was now appreciating what love and commitment meant in the world of black ops. It was a fine balancing on the edge of the sword. He watched Sarah leave the Black Hawk and walk with the two pilots who would bring their medevac squadron up to the needed personnel once again. That would mean Sarah would get time off. With him. He watched with quiet pride as she brought the two male pilots into Major Donaldson’s office.

Sarah caught Ethan’s eye. She smiled warmly in silent welcome to him and lifted her hand in his direction as she escorted the relief pilots into Donaldson’s office. Her heart picked up in beat and her body began to glow inwardly.
Just a look.
One look from Ethan’s hooded gray eyes and she was melting. It was a wonderful sensation, and Sarah welcomed it into her life. He loved her. She loved him. For the first time, she knew what love was, what it felt like, how much it could lift her and start taking the stains of the past and dissolving them forever. Sarah loved Ethan with a fierceness she couldn’t put in words.

* * *

Ethan watched the other men in Ops. When Sarah arrived, all eyes gravitated to her. She oozed sensuality. And she was completely unaware of it. When she left Donaldson’s office, the pilots taken care of, he eased from his position against the column. Now he was going to make damn sure the thirty or so males in Ops knew that Sarah was his woman. As he walked toward her, Ethan gave her an intense look. Her mouth widened into a soft smile of hello.

Sarah was caught off guard as Ethan took her into his arms and kissed her long and deep. The expression in his eyes as he finished the powerful kiss was one of him possessing her. Claiming her heart. Her soul. Sarah’s eyes widened in shock. She hadn’t expected any contact with him out in a public place. Ethan merely gave her the confident smile of a male proclaiming what was his. Shaken, she quickly looked around Ops. Every man was staring openmouthed at them. And then Sarah wondered if Donaldson had seen it. She turned. His door was closed. He was busy with the two newly assigned pilots coming into his squadron.

“Ethan,” she whispered, pressing her hand against her pounding heart.

“Come on,” he urged her quietly, placing his arm beneath her elbow and guiding her toward the other doors that opened up into the tent city of Bravo.

Outside, Sarah gave him a distressed look. “Why did you do that?”

“Didn’t you like it?”

“Of course I did. It was—unexpected. We’re not supposed to show affection to one another in public.”

And then, as they walked toward the SEAL HQ area, Sarah got it. Her mouth tingled in the wake of Ethan’s branding kiss. She liked it. A lot. A week without Ethan was excruciatingly painful to her. “Okay, I know why you kissed me in Ops.”

He chuckled and slid her a sidelong glance. “Yeah?”

What a male alpha wolf Ethan really was.

“You’re lucky Major Donaldson didn’t see it. I could be in trouble with him.”

“I waited until the door closed, angel. I’m not going to put your career in jeopardy.” Ethan gave her a burning look. “He’s going to hear about it through the gossip mill, anyway, which is faster than the internet. And I don’t think he’s going to say anything to you about it. So relax.”

Feeling flushed, Sarah muttered, “This is your way of telling the men here at Bravo to back off, isn’t it?” Kiss her in public, a not-so-subtle warning to the males, that she was Ethan Quinn’s woman. And everyone knew about the SEALs protecting their own, and it wouldn’t be lost on any of them.

Ethan’s mouth pulled into a slight grin. “I wanted to send a very clear message to everyone that you’re my lady.”

Groaning, Sarah said, “All I want to do now is hide.”

“No,” he said, meeting her worried gaze. “No more hiding, Sarah. You’ve done that all your life. This is a chance to change and break that pattern. You have nothing to be apologetic or embarrassed about. You’re allowed to love me. And these guys around here know it.”

There was such a pleased expression on his face. The gleam in his gray eyes reflected a savage male satisfaction. Okay, maybe Ethan was right. She had been running all her life. But now he was in her life, a part of it in a way she’d never had any experience with. And his confidence in himself was like a beacon to Sarah. Ethan didn’t care who saw them, that he’d just pulled her into his arms and kissed her breathless. Men were just...different that way. It wasn’t Sarah’s way, but maybe she was getting a taste of a man who cared enough, loved her enough, to defend and protect her. And he’d sent the warning out to everyone. It couldn’t be misinterpreted. It was just such a strange sensation to Sarah, having never been afforded that kind of sanctuary before.

“Let’s go in,” Ethan coaxed, opening the door to SEAL HQ.

Sarah saw the gleam in Ethan’s eyes. He wasn’t taking no for an answer. “You had this all planned out, didn’t you?” she accused him.

“Guilty on all counts, angel.” Ethan waited patiently, holding the door open for her. “It’s time you meet
my
family. They’re going to love you.”

Sarah wanted to run. She hadn’t met any of the other SEALs at Bravo except for Ethan, the master chief and the wounded in the medevac. In a way, she felt like she was entering a wolf’s lair. Ethan placed his hand against the small of her back, gently easing her forward. Uneasy, Sarah trusted him enough to step into the narrow hall. Her heart was pounding with fear. It was a throwback to another time and place. Being in a crowd of strange men frightened her and Sarah felt panic eating at the edges of her composure. As if sensing her distress, he placed his arm around her shoulder and walked her down the hall toward a room at the end of it.

“Relax,” he whispered against her ear, placing a quick kiss to her hair. “These are my friends, Sarah. They have my back.” And then his gaze held hers. “And now, they’re going to have your back, too.”

Sarah put on her game face as Ethan directed her into a large room. There were long tables with maps strewn across them. In one corner was a coffee machine. She was amazed to see it was an espresso machine. Against another wall were bleachers, three deep. And on another wall was a big whiteboard. She noticed red, blue and green markings on it, and she assumed it was for a patrol mission. She saw several SEALs sitting and gabbing with one another at a few tables, coffee in hand. Other SEALs were playing with their Game Boy devices.

They all looked up when Ethan entered.

Sarah had no expectation except to be stared at like a piece of meat on a hook. SEALs had such a reputation with women. Instead, Ethan guided her down a side hall. He halted outside a small room and knocked politely.

“Master Chief Hunter?”

“C’mon in, Hawk.”

Sarah eyed Ethan worriedly.

“Relax—he likes you,” he whispered, kissing her wrinkled brow.

Sarah’s heart pounded anyway as Ethan led her into the platoon’s master chief’s office. The room was small, and Gil Hunter sat behind his desk. Sarah met his green eyes. He had a black beard and was darkly tanned, and she instantly sensed the power he held in the SEAL platoon as she had when she’d met him before.

“Ah, Chief Benson,” he murmured, rising and thrusting his hand across the desk toward her. “It’s about time. Come in—take a seat.”

Stunned by his warmth and sincerity, Sarah took one of the two chairs in front of his desk. “It’s nice to meet you again, Master Chief Hunter.” At least her voice sounded cool and calm even if her heart and stomach were doing flip-flops.

“You can call me Gil. Do you mind if I call you Sarah?”

“Er, no, I don’t mind,” she stammered. She’d always heard military formality wasn’t a SEAL strength.

Ethan sat down. “Gil asked me to bring you over here for a reason, Sarah,” he told her.

“Oh?” Was she in trouble? That was the only reason one got hauled up in front of the head sheds, the officers or the chiefs who ran a platoon. She pushed her damp palms against the thighs of her flight suit, watching as Hunter sat down.

“Would you like some real coffee, Sarah?” he asked her warmly.

“Uh...no, sir.” She was too tense and worried to even drink espresso.

Nodding, Hunter smiled at her as he leaned back in his creaky red leather chair, his hand on the desk. “Relax. We don’t bite. And you don’t need to call me sir.”

She managed an unsure smile. “Yes, sir... I mean—”

“Call me Gil. Sir is left for the head sheds I work under, okay?”

Hunter’s voice was low and filled with natural authority. His voice, like Ethan’s, could calm a person. His eyes were wide-spaced, intelligent and hard-looking as he met her less than confident gaze.

Hunter held some sheaves of paper toward her. “These are two reports written up by Hawk here on the two medevac flights that you flew to rescue Marines and then our SEALs who had been badly injured.”

Sarah took them, wondering where he was going with this conversation. “Yes, Master Chief? I mean—sorry—Gil.”

Hunter rubbed his well-trimmed beard. “Our OIC reads them after I read them. We put notes, maybe questions or suggestions, on the last page. Hawk then has to answer them or elaborate further on anything that he’s written up in his original report.”

“Okay,” Sarah murmured, giving him a confused look. “That’s SOP with any squadron.” She saw a glint in the man’s eyes and felt as if he was subtly maneuvering her. But to where? And for what reason? Sarah felt uncomfortable. Ethan, who sat next to her, was grinning.

“My point,” Hunter said, gesturing toward the reports in her hands, “is that myself and the OIC came to the same conclusion about your rescue of wounded men.”

Great.
So what did this mean? Sarah scowled. “Okay,” she said warily.

Hunter sat up and handed her another piece of paper. “On the flight you flew involving some trapped Marines and SEALs, you went in hot. I found out through the transom that your CO, Major Donaldson, was pissed off at you for doing it.”

“Wait a minute,” Sarah said, rising anger in her tone. “I was given approval by the Marines HQ and SEAL HQ to go into that firefight and pick up those injured Marines. Major Donaldson had originally given his approval on me doing so.” Her nostrils flared, and she thought she was in hot water again because of that mission. Only this time, it was coming from the SEAL community.
Damn!
“When I flew back into Bravo, I had it out with my CO the next morning about his switching approvals on me. I was in the right, and he dropped the charge against me for disobeying his direct order.”

“At ease, Sarah,” Hunter soothed, holding up his hands. “This isn’t a witch hunt aimed at you. It’s supporting you and your bravery under fire to pick up those Marines who would have died if you hadn’t had the balls to fly into that lead curtain. Okay?” He leaned across his desk and handed her another paper.

Startled, Sarah frowned and took it.

“Will you look at the paper I just handed you?” Hunter urged quietly, studying her beneath his thick brows.

Heart pounding, her anger and defenses well in place to protect herself, Sarah forced herself to read the paper in her hands. Her mouth fell open. She snapped a look across the desk at Gil Hunter, who had amusement in his eyes.

“This...this is a recommendation that I receive a Bronze Star and a V for valor?” Shock rolled through Sarah and she blinked once. In all her years as a medevac pilot, she had never been considered for any medals, except for the standard ones everyone received. She didn’t live to collect medals like some of the other pilots in her squadron. They simply weren’t part of her reality.

Hunter nodded. “Indeed, it is. My OIC has signed off on it and the paperwork has gone forward through SEAL Command Team Three in Coronado and is now sitting on the desk of Admiral Thompson, who is in command of all SEALs. I spoke to him yesterday by sat phone and he’s going to authorize the medal for you, Sarah.”

Ethan grinned a little more. “You earned that medal, Sarah. I was there. I saw what you did.”

Heat flushed up her neck and to her face. Sarah felt as if she were pomegranate red, staring at the master chief, at Ethan and then down at the medal recommendation in her hand. “My crew and I were just doing our job, Master Chief. Nothing more.”

Hunter shrugged and gave her a slight smile. “SEALs take the fight to the enemy. We’ve had instances in the past where medevac pilots were ordered to stop and not fly in to come pick up wounded. You—” his voice lowered “—have a special kind of courage, Sarah. And in our community we like to recognize someone who’s going to come in and rescue wounded men, even if it’s hot.” His voice turned amused. “And after reading Hawk’s two reports on your two mission rescues, I’ve just got a very dirty feeling that if you had to, you
would
go against orders and fly in and rescue wounded men. We owe you and your crew the lives of two of our SEAL operators in that second flight. This is our way of thanking you for your courage under fire.”

Shaken, Sarah closed her eyes for a moment, tears burning in them. She choked down her tears and opened her eyes. “With all due respect, Master Chief Hunter—” she handed the paper back to him “—my CO probably won’t approve of it. I’m very touched you would do this for me. I didn’t expect it. All I want to do is my job.” And then her voice shook with emotion. “All I want to be able to do is protect wounded men and women out there. They deserve our best effort.”