Risking It All (28 page)

Kennedy turned away and moved onto the next one.

“Hey.” Brooks reached out and gently grabbed her elbow. “What’s with you, Kennedy? Do you not want to do this?”

“No. I mean, yes.” Kennedy sighed and shoved her hands into her coat pockets. “I’m sorry. I guess I’m just not into it this year.”

“Since when are you not into Christmas? It’s your favorite holiday.”

“I know. It just seems to have snuck up on me this year. I haven’t even started shopping yet.”

Memphis studied her and slowly shook his head.

“No. That’s not it. There’s something else. You can tell me, you know.”

Kennedy pulled out of his grasp and continued to walk around the tree lot. Brooks followed her in silence, keeping a few steps behind her and giving her the space she needed. Finally, she stopped in front of a five-footer and nodded toward it.

“I like this one,” she said.

He stepped up beside her and looked the tree over.

“Okay. I’ll just grab someone to help us get it to the truck.”

“Great.” She forced a smile and watched him walk away.

She waited until he was out of sight before pulling her cell out of her pocket and checking her messages. Her heart sank when she saw she had none, and she shoved the phone back into her pocket, disappointed.

It wasn’t unusual for her not to hear from Memphis for a couple of days if he was deep in work, but she missed him more than she ever had before and really wanted to hear his voice, even if it was only for a few minutes.

Brooks, of course, could tell something was bothering her, but how could she tell him the real reason behind her mood: that she would rather be back in Alaska with Memphis than here picking out trees with him?

 She missed Memphis—missed being in his arms and falling asleep with him next to her. She missed the way he looked at her across the breakfast table and the way his eyes darkened with desire when she did something completely innocent. It had only been forty-eight hours since she’d seen him last and it felt like eternity.

Fear tightened her chest as she thought of Memphis.
If
she was going to give Brooks another chance, which was the impression she was giving him by being out here with him today, she would have to tell Memphis. She couldn’t go on secretly seeing him behind Brooks’s back.
If
she was going to commit herself to starting over with Brooks, her relationship with Memphis would have to go back to the way it had been. 

If
it could. 

Deep down she knew it couldn’t. She knew she would never be able to see him as
just
her friend any more. She would never be able to forget their time together and act as if it never happened. Everything between them had changed and there was no going back to the way things used to be. 

So
if
she was going to do this with Brooks, there was a very big possibility she would be saying good-bye to Memphis. 

The fear of that boiled in her belly and made it almost impossible for her to breathe. She turned away from Brooks when she saw him approaching her again and took a deep breath, trying to calm herself before he reached her. 

“It’s the red pickup just over there.” Brooks’s voice called from behind her and she quickly wiped at the tears before he noticed.

He stepped up beside her with a lot worker and together they hauled the tree out to the truck while Kennedy paid the cashier before Brooks could pull out his wallet. 

“I was going to get it for you,” Brooks told her later on the way home.

“I can pay for my own tree, Brooks,” she said, a little harsher than she intended. She still felt shaken from her earlier thoughts in the lot. 

“I never said you couldn’t. I just wanted to get it for you.”

“Look, I appreciate the gesture, but since when have you ever volunteered to buy my Christmas tree for me? I don’t need you to throw money away buying me things, Brooks. That’s not what I need out of a relationship. I need a man who is going to be there.”

“That’s what I’m trying to do. Hell, Kennedy, in the two years we’ve been together, we’ve never done this. You always pick out your tree with Memphis.”

Kennedy felt a pang of longing at the mention of Memphis’s name, and she looked out the window, trying to hide her sudden tears.

“You’re fine helping with it, right?” Brooks asked, stopping in front of her building.

“No, I’m a helpless little girl.” She got out of the truck quickly before he could say anything to her snarky comment.

She grabbed the trunk and waited for Brooks to grab the top, and together they hauled it to the elevator and up to her place. By the time they had it set up in the corner, needles littered her floor, and she grabbed the vacuum cleaner as Brooks took her decorations out of the storage closet and brought them to the living room.

“Thanks,” she said, dropping to her knees next to the first box and opening the flaps.

“Here, let me untangle those lights while you unpack.” 

Kennedy handed over the box and rummaged through the rest of the decorations.

“Do you remember our first Christmas Eve together?” Brooks asked, after he had strung up the lights.

Kennedy’s smile was real for the first time that day as she fondly remembered that year.

“I was so pissed that the power went out and ruined the dinner I spent hours making,” she recalled. “I think I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for an hour.”

Brooks laughed.

“I hate that all your hard work went to waste, but I will admit I love how that night started our tradition of cold, leftover Chinese takeout and all-night lovemaking.”

Kennedy kept her eyes on the box and heard his exasperated sigh.

“I’m trying here, Kennedy. But it’s as if you’ve already made up your mind that no matter what I do, it’s not going to be enough.”

“I’m just really confused right now.”

“About what?”

“About this.” She spread her arms out in front of her and looked up at him. “About us. About what I really want and not just what I feel like I should do.”

Brooks squatted next to her so they were eye level, forcing her to look at him and not ignore him.

“Is this just something you feel you should do?  Is being with me just something you feel you should do?” he asked.

Kennedy shook her head.

“I don’t know,” she whispered.

Brooks looked down at his hands and clasped them together.

“Did something happen in Alaska, Kennedy? Something you’re not telling me?”

Her breath caught in her throat at the question, and she looked back down at the box.

“Like what?” She grabbed the first thing she saw and pulled it out.

“Anything that would explain why you’re acting so strange and cold toward me.”

“I told you. I did some thinking while I was up there, and I came home honestly expecting to break up with you,” she said. “So yes, suddenly not doing that and rethinking the whole situation again is a little confusing and has me acting strange. I’m sorry it inconveniences you.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

Kennedy glared at him.

“What did you mean, then?”

“Did something happen between you and Memphis?”

“And I thought your days of paranoia were over with.” She pushed to her feet and escaped to the kitchen.

“It’s not paranoia if something happened,” he argued, following her.

“How many trips have you gone on, Brooks?” she threw back at him, feeling defensive and trapped. “You go away for a week or two at a time every couple of months, and I have never accused you of having an affair.”

“Are you serious right now?” he said, shocked. “I’m working on those trips.”

“I know that! But that doesn’t mean you couldn’t have a little something on the side. And I have never once questioned you about it.”

Brooks stared at her, hurt and anger lining his face.

“You know I’m not like that,” he finally said.

“But I am?”

Completely.

She felt like shit. Lower than shit. Whatever was lower than shit—that was her.

Brooks’s face softened, and he shook his head.

“No. Of course not. I’m sorry, Kennedy.”

Definitely lower than shit.

“Maybe I should go,” he said.

“No.” Kennedy half sighed, half groaned and gave him a partial smile. “You don’t have to go. Besides, you said you were going to help decorate the tree.”

“Oh. You just want me to stick around so you’ll have someone to lift those boxes back into the closet for you.”

Kennedy laughed as she felt some of the tension leave her body and lifted one shoulder in a shrug.

“I’ll feed you if you do.”

Brooks cocked an eyebrow and opened her fridge door.

“Feed me what? Questionable looking cheese and mustard?”

“I know, I know. I need to grocery shop. But the good news is I have a phone and a great pizza place on speed dial.”

Brooks closed the fridge and chuckled.

“Okay, deal.”

Kennedy tried to sneak past him, but he caught her hand and gently pulled her to a stop. Her heart jerked at what she was sure his intentions were, and she was afraid to lift her eyes from the floor.

“Hey?” He tugged on her fingers trying to get her attention.

Kennedy slowly looked at him and he smiled.

“No olives, remember.”

She breathed a sigh of relief and nodded as she quickly pulled her hand free and hurried out of the room.

She knew she wouldn’t be able to hold off his advances forever, and when he did decide to make a move, she had no idea how she was going to deal with it.

~*~

“What do you mean you haven’t broken up with him yet?” Vanessa demanded in the produce aisle the next day.

Kennedy decided it was time to finally stock her house with food again when she had been tempted to cut off the mold and eat the questionable cheese that morning for breakfast. She had called Vanessa wanting company on the lonesome shopping trip, and Vanessa was all too happy to get out of the house and walk around, hoping to bring labor on.

But once the inquisition had started, Kennedy regretted her decision to not shop alone.

“He showed up at my place with flowers, Vanessa. Flowers!” Kennedy tossed a few peppers into a plastic produce bag and added them to her cart. “Do you know how big of a deal that is?”

“So you’re going to stay with a guy you no longer love because he bought you flowers?” Vanessa scrunched up her nose. 

“No. I don’t know.” Kennedy grabbed some fruit and pushed her cart to the next section. “He asked me to try. What was I supposed to do?”

“Sweetie, you can’t stay with someone you don’t want to be with,” Vanessa told her in a softer tone.

“I know that.” Kennedy grabbed all the usual dairy products— yogurt, milk, eggs, cheese—and pushed her cart along.

“What about Memphis?”

Kennedy’s grip tightened on the cart’s handle.

“What about Memphis?” she asked.

“Don’t play dumb. You told him you were ending things with Brooks, and now when he comes home, what?”

“I don’t
know
, Vanessa!” Kennedy cried, drawing eyes her way from the other shoppers. Repeating quieter, she said, “I don’t know.”

Kennedy continued down the aisles, tossing things into her cart in silence. She grabbed a box of Lucky Charms and stared down at the colorful picture, smiling as she remembered their first night in Alaska.

“Have a thing for the leprechaun, huh?” Vanessa asked as she ripped open a bag of some kind of chocolate-covered cereal and popped the little balls into her mouth.

Kennedy rolled her eyes and dropped the cereal. She reached for a handful of what her friend was eating and made a face.

“Ugh!” She had to resist the urge to spit the awful cereal on the grocery store floor. 

“It’s good,” Vanessa moaned and rubbed her stomach. “Peanut agrees.” She looked at Kennedy thoughtfully and finished chewing before asking, “Have you heard from Memphis?”

“Three days ago,” she answered.

“Have you tried calling him since?”

“I don’t like bothering him while he’s away working.”

“Oh, but distracting him with sex is okay?”

Kennedy ignored her teasing, grabbed a few bags of chips, and pushed her cart to the checkout line.

“Do you want me to take you home?” she asked as she unloaded her groceries.

Vanessa pouted.

“Are you trying to get rid of me? Joe can swing by and pick me up on his way home from work as long as you don’t mind me taking up space at your place for a while.”

“I could use the distraction.”

They hadn’t been in the apartment for more than five minutes before Vanessa was tearing open a bag of cookies and filling a large glass with milk.

“I thought I was making you lunch.”

“You are.” Vanessa grinned and shoved a cookie in her mouth. “I’m pregnant. Leave me alone,” she mumbled around the cookie.

Kennedy tried to stifle her laughter as she watched her waddle out of the kitchen and plop onto the couch.

“I know you’re laughing at me!” Vanessa shouted from the other room.

Kennedy giggled and put away the groceries before throwing together a couple of sandwiches.

“Are you seeing Brooks tonight?” her friend asked around a mouthful of turkey and Swiss.

Kennedy picked at her sandwich, pulling off pieces and rolling them between her fingers, and frowned.

“He’s working,” she replied, shoving one of the broken pieces into her mouth.

“I don’t want to piss you off, Kennedy, but I really don’t understand what you’re thinking.”

“Join the club,” she muttered, pushing the plate away.

“You know you’re playing with fire here, right?”

“I know.” She frowned. “I guess I just feel like I owe it to our relationship to try and see if he can change. I dunno.” She shrugged.

“And how do you think Memphis is going to feel about that? You practically told him you loved him—”

“No I didn’t!”

“And yet you’re still with the boyfriend.”

“Vanessa, please.” Kennedy shot her a pleading look.

“I just don’t want to see you get hurt. Or Memphis. Or even Brooks, for that matter,” she said.