Risking It All (31 page)

Wouldn’t he?

If she chose to keep seeing Brooks, would Memphis really support her decision like he said he would? He would still have to see them together and live with the fact that she chose Brooks over him. Would that become too much and he’d bail?

But why would she choose Brooks when Memphis, the man she wanted and couldn’t stay away from, was telling her he wanted the same thing?

If she chose Memphis, would it last? Or would his feelings be over as soon as the chase was? Was it simply a case of suddenly wanting the one person he shouldn’t have? Once he had her, would she lose him? Memphis wasn’t a relationship type of guy. She knew him too well. She knew he grew bored of women quickly and moved onto the next one like a junkie needing a fix. If she gave him everything she had and it didn’t work, what would she have left to give him platonically? There was no way she would be able to remain friends with him if something like that happened. It would be too hard. There would be too many hurt feelings.

But didn’t she run the risk of the same thing happening if she stayed with Brooks?

With Brooks she knew what she was getting. He hadn’t been the most reliable boyfriend, but he was trying. When Kennedy pulled her head out of her ass long enough to see, she realized he really was trying to change and be the man she needed. He was stable, a little career driven, but was that really a fault?

He doesn’t want kids.

Kennedy frowned. There was that, and it was definitely something that could be a deal breaker. But she didn’t even know if Memphis wanted kids. It was the one thing they had never talked about. She didn’t even know how he felt about kids.

She wanted a baby. She wanted to walk about with her stomach sticking out farther than her feet and feel the tiny kicks within her womb. She wanted to sit in bed at night and circle potential baby names from a baby book. She wanted to go through all the hard work of delivering a tiny human into the world and hear its cry for the first time and know that everything she had just gone through had been worth it.

She wanted to be a mother more than anything. Was she willing to give up that dream for either of them?

Kennedy looked at the blank canvas in front of her and decided to give up for the day. She had been sitting there for hours, waiting for inspiration to hit, and it didn’t look like it was coming any time soon.

She cleaned her brushes, put everything away, and was just walking out the door when her cell rang. The anxiety she felt lifted when she saw it was Vanessa’s number.

“Hey! I was just leaving the studio,” Kennedy said before Vanessa could get a word in. “Want to meet up?”

“Yes. At the hospital.”

Kennedy tripped over her feet and nearly fell down the entrance steps.

“What?” Kennedy cried, positive she had heard her wrong since she sounded so damn calm.

Vanessa laughed.

“We’re on our way to the hospital!” she cried. “My water broke thirty minutes ago. You have to meet us there.”

“I’m getting in my car now.” Kennedy fumbled with the keys, cursed, and finally managed to open the door.

“Take your time, sweetie. Don’t get into a wreck on the way over. I’m sure it’ll be awhile,” Vanessa assured her before hanging up.

Leave it to Vanessa to be the calm mother hen during labor. 

She got to the hospital forty minutes later, positive all the bad drivers in Vancouver were out and all in cahoots to make the drive to the hospital as long as possible. The nurse at the information desk told her where to go and it took her another ten minutes to find the room. She knocked softly, pushed open the door, and saw Joe rubbing large circles over Vanessa’s back as she bent over the bed breathing through a contraction.

Joe looked up and smiled, and motioned for her to come in.

“Hi,” she whispered.

“You don’t have to be afraid to talk,” Vanessa ground out through clenched teeth, and then heaved a sigh of relief once the contraction had passed. “Phew.” She straightened and smiled at Kennedy. “See what he’s done to me?”

Tears stung Kennedy’s eyes as she returned the smile.

“Well, you look absolutely gorgeous,” she said.

“Don’t even think about crying because if you do then I will, then Joe will start weeping because I’ll start yelling at him, and it will be a big mess,” Vanessa warned her.

Kennedy laughed and wiped away the tears, nodding.

“Okay. No tears.”

“Did you call Memphis?”

 “Seriously? You’re in labor and you want to talk about
that
?”

“What else am I going to do?”

“Have a baby.”

Vanessa laughed, which turned into a moan which required more back rubbing from Joe.

“Where’s the guy with the drugs?” she moaned. “Someone get me some drugs.”

“I thought we were going to try it natural, honey?” Joe reminded her.

Vanessa glared at him.

“
We
aren’t doing anything!
I’m
the one about to be torn open like a Twinkie wrapper!”

Joe looked at Kennedy helplessly, and she had to look away to keep from laughing.

“Will you just go find a fucking doctor who can jab that huge-ass needle into my spine and take away this pain, please?”

Before Joe could do as demanded, a nurse came in to save his ass and promised the anesthesiologist would be up shortly.

“If he’s not, Kennedy, will you just knock me over the head with the bedpan repeatedly until I’m out cold?”

Kennedy laughed and took over back-rubbing duties for a while.

“Okay, I’m here. Sorry I’m late. If you’ve already given birth can we just shove it back in and start over again?”

Kennedy’s head whipped around as Memphis burst into the room, camera in hand and a silly grin on his face. The same grin that made her stomach go crazy and her pulse quicken.

“Don’t anger her,” Joe whispered in warning.

“What are you doing here?” Kennedy asked.

He held up his camera as if it were obvious.

“I’m the baby photographer,” he said, smiling.

“You’re the what?”

“It was his gift to us at the baby shower,” Joe explained. “He took maternity shots of Vanessa, and she hassled him to come here and do the delivery and newborn shots as well.”

“I did not hassle,” Vanessa said, doing her Lamaze breathing at the same time.

“What maternity shots?” Kennedy asked, looking from Memphis to Vanessa.

“Next time you’re at the house I’ll show you. They’re amazing.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked Memphis.

“Because they’re not my pictures,” he answered.

The anesthesiologist came into the room then, looked at each one of them in turn, and shook his head.

“I need everyone out of this room except the mom and dad-to-be.”

“What?” Vanessa cried, sounding panicked. “You can’t kick them out. They’re with me! They’re my people!”

“We’ll just be outside until he drugs you up, okay?” Kennedy brushed Vanessa’s damp bangs off her forehead and gave her a reassuring smile. “We’ll be right back.”

Memphis snapped off a few pictures, something Kennedy was sure Vanessa would kill him for later, and followed her out of the room. She leaned against the wall by the door while Memphis stood on the opposite side, fiddling with his camera.

She didn’t know how to act around him since he left his message. She waited for him to say something, to bring up what had been said or ask her if she had made her choice yet, but he remained silent. In fact he had acted completely normal—as if nothing was wrong and he hadn’t left her that message on her machine.

Was that his game? To show her he could still be
him
no matter what? If that was it, then why did he basically tell her not to call him until she had made up her mind?

“Do you want kids?” she blurted out.

Memphis screwed up his forehead and looked up at her.

“What?”

“Do you want kids?” she asked again. “Being here—it just made me realize kids aren’t something we’ve ever talked about.”

“Oh.” Memphis shrugged and looked back down at his camera. “Kids are cool.”

She pressed him further. “But do you want any?”

She saw a smirk lift the corners of his mouth, and he asked, “Is this how it works, Kennedy? You make a list of what I want and what he wants, and whichever one of us comes close enough to what you want, that’s who you’ll be with?”

Kennedy couldn’t have felt more hurt if he had reached out and slapped her.

She lowered her head. “I was just asking.”

He sighed and mumbled something under his breath that she couldn’t make out. “I don’t know. The only thought I’ve ever put into babies is to prevent them from happening. Too many babies are brought into this world to people who aren’t ready. But yeah, maybe one day.” He narrowed his eyes at her. “You’re not . . . are you?”

“No!” she cried. “Why would you think that?”

“Well, I wasn’t exactly a boy scout at that cabin.”

Kennedy shook her head, casting her eyes to the floor.

“You don’t have to worry about hearing the pitter-patter of little feet, Memphis.”

“I wasn’t worried.”

She slowly lifted her head and looked at him, and he gave her a half-assed smile.

“Kennedy—”

The door opened and they were told they could go back in. Kennedy waited to see if Memphis was going to finish what he started to say, but when all he did was hold out his arm, indicating she could go in first, she left it alone.

Maybe it was best she didn’t know what he really meant or what he was about to say. Maybe some things were just best left alone when it came to them.

Two hours after the epidural kicked in, Kennedy watched as Vanessa pushed a baby girl into the world. Memphis snapped pictures, laughing as Joe cut the cord and tried not to pass out. Vanessa looked over at her as the nurses washed the baby up and grinned.

“You were right. She’s peanutless.”

Kennedy laughed through her tears and kissed her friend’s cheek. The baby, after posing for pictures with Mom and Dad, was passed around, and Kennedy was sure her womb wept when she held the little bundle in her arms.

“Now do I get to know her name?” she asked.

“We were thinking Samara . . . but I’m not sure now.”

“I think Samara is cute,” Kennedy said, looking down at the most perfect little nose and mouth she had ever seen. 

Memphis stood in front of her and clicked away. Kennedy looked up and stepped closer to him.

“Stop hiding behind the camera and hold Samara,” she said, taking the camera out of his hands and trading it for the baby before he could object.

Kennedy watched as he cradled the baby, grinning like someone had just handed him a million dollars. For a man who didn’t know if he wanted kids or not, he sure lit up when he held one. Tears stung her eyes again at the picture Memphis made with a baby in his arms, and suddenly everything clicked.

Everything she wanted was standing right in front of her. There was no one else she would rather have it all with but Memphis.

She watched as he handed Samara back to Vanessa and then made excuses about having to go.

“I need to go, too,” Kennedy jumped in, grabbing her purse and jacket from the chair. “She’s so beautiful. Congrats, you guys.”

She hurried from the room and caught up with Memphis down the hall.

“I know what I want,” she announced to his back. Memphis stopped, and she waited for him to turn around before she continued. “I want everything in that room that we just witnessed. I want a baby . . . a family. And I want it with you.”

Memphis looked away from her toward the hospital exit, watching people leave before looking at her again.

“What if I can’t give you what you want, Kennedy?” he asked. “What if I’m not made to be the type of man Joe is? Would you still want me?”

Kennedy moved closer to him and shook her head.

“I saw you in there, Memphis. I saw the way your eyes lit up when you held that baby. You would be an amazing father if that’s what you wanted.”

“And what if it’s not what I wanted? Would you still want me?” he asked again.

“Goddamn it, Memphis!” she cried. “I’m standing here telling you that I’ve made a choice, and you’re trying to talk me out of it?”

“No. I’m trying to get you to understand that if you choose me, you get what you see. I don’t know what my life is going to be like in ten years. I don’t know where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing. I don’t know if there will be kids I’ll be running around to soccer practice or if I’ll still be riding around on my bike, carefree. That’s what I need you to understand, Kennedy. With me there are no plans, no set goals. It’s a one-day-at-a-time adventure.”

“Everyone needs plans,” she scoffed. “You have plans!”

“Not life-changing plans like you’re talking about.” Memphis took a step closer to her and reached out to brush the hair off her face like he had done so many times before. Kennedy closed her eyes, fighting against the tears. “I’m not saying no, Kennedy. I’m just saying I don’t know. Can you live with that? Can you live with not knowing if you’ll ever get all the things you want?”

“I can’t live without you,” she whispered, burying her face in his chest.

“You’ll never have to live without me,” he said. “But I also don’t think you can live without possibly having everything in that room.”

“Memphis . . .”

“It’s something you need to really think about, Kennedy. You deserve to have everything you want.”

He kissed the top of her head and moved out of her arms as he turned and walked away without another word.

Kennedy eventually forced herself to move and walk to her car. She wasn’t sure what had just happened. Did Memphis just give up? Was he telling her to stay with Brooks?

She thought she had it all figured out. She thought she would tell Memphis that it was him, they would kiss and hug, she would end it with Brooks, and everything would be the way it should be. The way she wanted it to be.

She was more confused than ever.

She went home and tried calling him, but he either still didn’t have a new cell phone or he was avoiding her. She dialed his landline, but he didn’t answer there either.