Risking It All (20 page)

“How could you do this to me?” Ceci’s quiet voice, etched with pain and disbelief, drifted through the silence.

A lead weight dropped in Kyle’s stomach, and his feet cemented to the floor. Dread filled his every cell. He slowly turned, an unbearable ache threatening to split his chest open.

She stood at the edge of the kitchen, wearing the white dress shirt he’d discarded when he’d come home from work late last night. Pain and betrayal flashed like neon from her gaze, and tears slowly filled her eyes. She stared at him, as if waiting for him to say something, to deny it, perhaps, but in that moment, the right words wouldn’t come.

His chest tightened, and regret washed over him like a tidal wave. It was too late. He’d waited too long.

“You knew. This whole time, you knew.” Cecelia stared, stunned, across the room at Kyle. Shock scattered through her system, in the form of numbness, cementing her feet to the floor. She’d always dismissed the voice in the back of her mind that insisted he knew more about her past then he let on. But that nagging voice had been right.

She yearned for him to tell her she’d heard wrong, explain it away, but across the room, sorrow and dejection filled his eyes, and the words she needed to hear didn’t come.

Instead, he gave a slow shake of his head. “I hated keeping this from you.”

Betrayal and disbelief reverberated through her chest. She dropped her gaze to the floor, the white and tan of the linoleum blurring as her eyes filled and overflowed. She didn’t want to be right. That he’d lied to her, to her face no less, after everything they’d gone through together, hurt. So much more than she expected.

“How could you do that to me? You stood right here”—she jabbed a finger at the floor—“in this kitchen, and swore you didn’t know anything. You told me you never found anything. Every time you refused to help me was because you already knew.”

Suddenly, it all made frighteningly perfect sense. All the times he wouldn’t give her a straight answer. Like Gran. And in one fell swoop, their entire relationship shattered before her eyes. They were so close last night. She’d spent the night in his arms, making love to him, enjoying the simplicity of allowing herself to fall in love with her best friend. Without knowing exactly how much he kept from her.

She laid a hand over her heart, unable to contain the words. “My whole life I’ve lived with this hole inside me. I just wanted someone to tell me the truth, to explain why it hurts so much, why I feel like something’s missing. Every time you waved me aside, told me to forget it and move on.”

“I did what I thought I had to.” He took a step to the side, turning his body toward her, and folded his hands behind him. “I—”

“You had to lie to me?” Anger rose in her stomach faster than she could stop it. She was tired of hearing excuses. She glared at him and fisted her hands at her sides. “Tell me. What’re you most sorry for? That you lied or that you got caught?”

He flinched as if she’d struck him. Anger mixed with pain in his eyes, and he drew his brows together. “How heartless do you think I am? We’ve been friends for a long time. I can’t believe you don’t know me better than to say that to me.”

“That’s my cue to go.” Chase rose from his spot on the sofa, and silence filled the room. The tension skyrocketed, hanging in the air like a dense cloud. Chase stopped in front of Kyle, and the two men exchanged a glance. Chase shook his head, patting Kyle’s shoulder.

Cecelia watched the exchange as if from a distance, seeing but not hearing. Kyle’s words to Chase only minutes before echoed in her mind, taunting her.
“It’s the same one I found three years ago. . . .
She thinks her parents gave her up for adoption.”

A vise clamped around her heart, and the tears flooded to the surface again. Along with every question and doubt she had about her past. His words slammed into her with all the force of a meaty fist to the stomach. The wind left her lungs, and a sense of numb dejection rose over her. Everything she’d considered about her past, about her entire life, went up in a puff of smoke. Kyle’s words clearly indicated that her parents hadn’t given her up voluntarily, that something else had happened. Something sinister by the tone of their conversation. Of all the things she expected to discover about her parents, that hadn’t even crossed her mind.

She wrapped her arms around herself, her mind going in a million different directions. Chase’s tall form appeared in front of her. Looking up at him, his gray eyes were soft, his brows drawn together in concern. He settled his hands on her shoulders, thumbs stroking in an effort to soothe. “I don’t agree with what he did, but I know my brother, and any fool with two eyes can see he loves you. He wouldn’t have kept it from you unless he thought he was doing the right thing.”

She let out a wry, bitter laugh. “Yeah. Stick up for him. That’s what you guys do best.”

But as the words left her mouth, the ache in her chest increased, until she thought for sure it would simply crack open. Sticking together
was
what the Morgans did best. Would she lose them, too?

“He
did
have the intention to tell you this morning. It’s just unfortunate you found out this way. I’m sorry for my part in it, but that he had plans to tell you means he’s arrived at the same place as you—that you deserve to know. At least hear him out.” He gave her shoulders a gentle, supportive squeeze and then turned and quietly left.

As the door closed behind him, a tense silence once again filled the room. The rain picked up, coming down sideways, and the wind howled past the building. The sudden shower fit the turmoil and fury coiling in her belly. She straightened her spine and moved to the front window. Through the rain-spattered glass, a mother and child darted, hand in hand, across the courtyard below toward the building. Despite being caught in the sudden downpour, their blurred faces smiled. Even through the howling wind and patter of rain on the roof, their squeals of laughter echoed up from below.

Hard to believe barely fifteen minutes ago she’d woken to the same happiness, to the blissfulness of having spent the night in Kyle’s arms, loving him. She awoke carefree and lighter than she could remember being in a long time. All because she’d given herself permission to be with him.

“I had plans to tell you this morning, after breakfast.”

Kyle’s warmth radiated against her back, telling her he’d stepped up behind her, but he didn’t otherwise touch her, and she couldn’t bear to turn to look at him just yet.

“Your grandmother made me promise. I went to see her in the hospital when she was ill. I hadn’t expected to find that article when I went searching for you, and I wanted to talk to her before I told you what I found. That’s when she told me the story. She begged me not to tell you.

“I didn’t make the choice easily. I’ve done my research. I’m a cop, Ceci. I’ve seen this a thousand times. Chase is right in that respect. But how could I look into the eyes I love so much and tell you something I knew would hurt you? I’d be handing you a dream and then crushing it. That stuff’s not easy to hear, and it doesn’t matter how many times you do it, telling someone is never easy.” His voice lowered to a pain-filled murmur. “It leaves a wound on your soul that will never heal, because you have to watch the shock scatter across their face, watch as the news they’re hoping not to hear settles over them. Watch as the pain hits them.”

He stood silent a moment, something heavy seeming to hang over him.

“I’m stronger than you give me credit for, you know.”

He let out a bitter laugh. “Yeah, but I wasn’t. I didn’t think I was strong enough to watch you do that. On top of it, you suffer from post-traumatic stress. There’s a reason you don’t remember, and I didn’t want to be the one who brought that ugliness back for you. Right or wrong, I only wanted to protect you.”

The emotion written in his voice nearly melted her resolve. If that wasn’t Kyle, she didn’t know what was. He’d spent his life looking out for her.

She drew in a shuddering breath and held fast to what was left of her sanity. “All I’ve ever asked was for you to tell me the truth.”

“I’m sorry. You’ll never know how much. I didn’t want you to find out this way. But the decision to keep it from you had nothing to do with my feelings for you. I didn’t want to risk bringing back those memories. I’ve done a lot of research on PTSD. I didn’t want to take the chance it would put too much stress on you, on the baby. You might not want to hear this right now, but I did it because I love you.”

She froze. Oh God, he had to say it. Those words from his mouth were like candy offered to a child, sweet and irresistible. Her heart had claimed him, and she’d loved being claimed by him. And he had. Claimed her. It was in everything he did.

Like now. The very thought made her chest ache again, gripping her in a vise that slowly squeezed the air from her lungs.

“It’s not your job to decide what I’m strong enough to handle and what I’m not. I’m a grown woman. I can decide for myself. I needed those answers.” Taking strength from the pain and betrayal, she turned to face him and glared at him. “It wasn’t your job to protect me.”

“You’re wrong there, too.” He murmured the words, a conflicting mix of tenderness and melancholy rising in his eyes. “It’s always been my job to protect you. Has been since the first day we met. You had this haunted look in your eyes I’ll never forget. Even then, some part of me knew I’d do whatever it took to keep that look from your eyes.”

He reached out to her again, but she shook her head, took a step away, and turned back to the window. She couldn’t bear the thought of his hands on her right now. If he touched her, she might not be able to resist him. She might melt into him, into his warmth, and that couldn’t happen. She wasn’t even sure she really knew him anymore. If he’d lie to her about something so important, what else had he kept from her?

She wrapped her arms around herself. Gran had kept the same secrets from her. Maybe she was right after all. Maybe she really couldn’t trust anyone. Including the only mother she’d ever known.

An aching silence rose over the room, filled with all those things they needed to say to each other. She stood frozen, needing to leave, yet unable to force her body to move. He stood right behind her, but she’d never felt more alone. Hard to think how close they’d been last night. She’d let herself into his apartment and crawled into his bed to wait for him because here was the only place she wanted to be.

Right then, she ached to be anywhere else, with the unbearable pain seated between them. Except, he was the only person now who knew the whole story.

Or was he? His words to Chase before she made her presence known flitted through her mind.
“I’ve spent years researching this. I have an entire file on it . . .”

Her thoughts whirled in a different direction. Somewhere in this apartment was an entire file on the missing pieces of her life. She’d almost bet she knew where he hid it. The one place he knew she wouldn’t accidentally run across it. His nightstand.

She drew her brows together, determination singing through her. Forget waiting for him to tell her. She’d get the answers herself. Sobered by the thought, she moved around him and stalked toward the bedroom.

“Where are you going?” His footsteps followed closely behind her.

“I’m leaving.” And she was . . . right after she got what she needed.

Her fingers fumbled over the buttons as she attempted to free herself from the shirt she wore. His shirt. God, it still smelled like him. It had his warm, spicy scent embedded in it, with the barest hint of his shampoo and deodorant. An aroma uniquely him and entirely male. The same scent that only yesterday would have made her heart skip a beat now made it ache.

“Please stay, Ceci. We really need to talk.”

“I don’t have anything to say to you.” She rounded the corner and stalked down the long hallway. Finally undoing the last button, she paused and let the shirt slide from her shoulders to the floor. In nothing but a pair of panties, she resumed her trek to his bedroom.

Once within the safe confines of his room, she shut the door and slumped back against the wood, her heart pounding. As her eyes scanned the room, the place suddenly didn’t seem so comforting anymore. Their clothing still littered the floor, and the bed lay unmade. Evidence of the passion they’d shared here, of the fierceness of their need for each other.

With a few words, words he hadn’t meant for her to hear, she’d lost her best friend, lost the deep connection that bonded them. She’d lost her heart. Her best friend had become her lover, the man who would take over the role as the father of her child. The man she’d allowed herself to believe she might one day share a future with. Now they had none of it.

Stiffening her spine, she looked to his nightstand, to the drawer where he kept his gun. The lock mechanism sat in the upper corner, calling to her. Sobered once again by the need for answers, she swiped her fingers across her cheeks to wipe away her tears. No matter how much she hurt, she’d come in here for a reason.

She crossed to the dresser, snatched his keys off the top, where he’d laid them last night, and crossed to the bed. Her heart slammed against her rib cage as she stared at the top drawer. She had to open it, possibly touch his gun case in order to move the file. Could she do this?

She had to. She needed these answers, and she wasn’t waiting for Kyle to decide to tell her anymore. If her answers were in there, she’d just have to get over her fear.

She sucked in a deep breath, drew her courage around her like a protective shroud, and then shoved the key in the lock and turned it. It gave way with a quiet clink, and she reached for the handle, pressing the button and pulling the drawer open.

A knock sounded on the door behind her as the gun case slid into view. Black, hard plastic, the case sat on top of what looked to be a small pile of yellow file folders. She’d have to touch that box in order to get her answers.

“Ceci, I’m coming in.” Kyle’s voice called through the door, his tone careful, but he didn’t wait for an answer, simply turned the knob and pushed the door open.

His presence behind her filled the surrounding air, but her sole focus became that drawer. Her gaze zeroed in on the file. Those were her answers. Written along the tab, in Kyle’s chicken scratch, was her name.

Her breathing grew harsh and ragged as her lungs fought to drag in oxygen. Her palms dampened with perspiration, and blood whooshed in her ears as panic clawed its way up her throat. After all these years, she finally had the chance to know the truth. Would she let her fear of guns keep her from it? The seconds ticked by as she stood in indecision.

No.

Bile rose up the back of her throat as she reached inside and her fingers brushed the gun case, but she managed to set it aside and snatch out the file. She held it out in front of her, triumphant. She’d waited her entire life for this moment, had spent years searching for this information.