River Road (River's End Series, #4) (26 page)

Tears filled Kate’s eyes. “You’re just saying that for me. You actually resent my mother for abandoning you, but you’re stopping me from feeling that way.”

He touched her knee and a soft half-smile appeared on his face. “I’m your big brother, right? Isn’t it my job to try to make your life easier?”

A lump filled her throat. She nodded. “No, not all brothers…”

“Well, the kind I think I’d like to be.”

“Thank you, Jack,” she whispered over the lump and tears as she nodded. “I would like to just love my mother again. Because I did love her so much. And I miss her so much…”

“I get that. I still feel love for my first wife and my parents. I’d hate to have those memories tainted. I don’t think your memory of your mother should be either. Okay? Let’s just concentrate and revere what we have now. Regardless of how it happened.”

She smiled away her tears and swallowed the lump in her throat. “I’m very glad it happened. I’m glad I came here, and so glad I found you.”

“And AJ,” Jack said as an observation, not a question.

Kate nodded in agreement, saying, “Yes, perhaps most of all, I’m glad I met AJ.”

They stared out at the circle of floating loved ones. Finally, after several long moments, Ben leaned over to kiss Marcy and Kate asked, “Are you ready for Ben to get married?”

“Not in the least,” Jack replied in a strained tone. He nodded at the couple, holding hands on the water. “What can I do though? I was the same damn age, and so was Lily. We were so sure, and so ready, or so we thought. But now? At thirty-nine, I can’t think of a more stupid thing to do. It’s so wrong. But what can I say? Who am I to tell him not to? Talk about a hypocrite. Anything I say in the way of advice will only push them into it sooner.”

She sighed. “I think you’re right. They’re just so young.”

“Tell me about it. You can’t imagine the worry I have. It keeps me up at night. All the what-ifs. I just want him to have an easier life than mine was. You know? Even though I understand I can’t live his life for him.”

Kate stared at Cami, and similar thoughts and anxiety churned her gut, as they often did now. The teen was not her daughter, her blood or even her friend. Yet, Kate worried about her constantly. Softly, she said,. “Strangely, Jack, I think I’m starting to understand that. The helplessness, the worry, and the desire to make their lives better than our own.”

Jack followed her line of vision towards Cami and squeezed her shoulder with his hand. “Yes, I think maybe you do.”

They fell silent as the family laughed and splashed all around them. They were the only ones still dry on the beach. And it was really nice. The nicest day Kate ever remembered having with a group in a very long time.

****

Things changed a degree after that. Cami was allowed her own room because she got up in the morning. Sure it was late; but at least, she came out. Kate was specific about the chores she was expected to do and monitored daily that they got done. Ben and Charlie had a huge stable of friends, ranging in age from twelve to twenty. They were often hanging around in the afternoons and evenings when the heat of the day peaked. Cami went down to the river to hang out with Charlie and Ben, and they became much more hospitable to her since the day at the river. The young trio was often spotted floating down the river. Cami was all strapped up in her lifejacket, and Kate admired two things about her: the guts to face her fear of water, and her willingness to wear the lifejacket in front of others, given her quirky fashion trends. Cami even smiled sometimes when she was talking about it. Seemed she liked wearing it.

AJ and Kate often ended up down there too. It was too refreshing to resist a soak in the cool river. Jack, Erin, Shane and Allison, Rosie, and Joey were always in and out. Lots of screaming, yelling, laughter, and splashing all the time filled the air as people came and went. One evening, AJ climbed up the big rock by the beach and jumped off it with an impressive cannonball splash. That set off Joey and Shane, who were trying to show him up. Eventually, AJ convinced Cami to come up and try it. He carefully stood next to her, promising to hold her hand if she wanted to jump. She stood there for ten minutes, just staring down, pacing backwards, then forwards, only to stare again. Then all at once, she nodded, grabbing AJ’s hand, and Kate, who was watching them, saw Cami count to three before they jumped in together, their hands linked as they flew through the air in the shimmering sunlight. Kate managed to click a picture of them in mid-air. It was an awesome shot. They came up, and Cami was actually
smiling
. It was a huge accomplishment to see Cami looking so happy.

Kate cooked dinner because AJ and his baloney were too much for her to stomach. Cami always sat with them now. The first night, there was almost complete silence. Kate talked a little, but her lame, quiet days of staying in the house and working on her computer didn’t offer too many exciting recaps. When Cami left to go pee, Kate nudged AJ, “Talk to her. Ask her how her day went. How she’s doing. You’re her father. You’re the one who has to ask. She isn’t going to tell you unless you ask.”

The stunned expression on his face was almost comical if it weren’t so tragic to Kate. “I didn’t know.”

“Because no one ever asked you, did they?” she said gently. He shrugged. “You need to ask her. You’re the one who needs to care. You’re the adult.”

AJ nodded vigorously and as usual, took her advice to heart. She could so easily convince him of whatever she chose to. His limited experience with relationships made him overly dependent on her. She wasn’t trying to deceive him and hoped she handled his trust with the respect it was due. In true AJ style, when Cami came back out, he asked her how she liked Ben and Charlie. He also asked if she needed anything in the way of clothes.

“A swimsuit might be nice.”

“Sure.” He glanced at Kate, suddenly unsure. Kate internally sighed. She couldn’t stop getting involved. “I can take you tomorrow.”

“Thanks.” AJ tried to give her money so she had to accept it. The shopping experience was a trip to hell. Cami must have taken three hours to decide on… a black swimsuit. But Kate patiently waited outside the dressing room, bringing in what felt like every single bathing suit they had in stock.

She did, however, have to kick AJ under the table when the very next night, silence prevailed. She tilted her head towards the girl, mouthing to AJ,
Speak to her.
He seemed startled by her tacit suggestion. Sometimes, AJ didn’t realize that communicating with others wasn’t a one-time event, but a daily thing to practice.

Kate made Cami come to church with them, which had become a regular habit now. Kate still hadn’t decided how she felt about it, but it was so important to AJ that she made it her mission to urge him to speak to the community he now belonged to. He needed to make the teen feel like she belonged too. Cami’s black makeup and the depressing clothes she still wore, no matter how freaking
hot
the days got, kept some people from approaching her. But the Rydell boys often came with Jack and Erin, and they all talked to her, and included her. Eventually, most of the others followed suit after the Rydells embraced the strange girl.

Cami’s dreadlocks started to grow on Kate. Jocelyn even complimented Cami on them and the young girl blushed, growing flustered but appearing pleased by the comment. Kate decided then that she could like them too. Mostly because Cami needed any and all reassurance she could get. And she did. That nappy hair was kind of a statement there in River’s End. Kate was known for making statements and she respected originality and people who did things on their own terms.

She finally mentioned it to Cami one evening as they sat on the porch. They were watching Jack and Erin as they frolicked with some horses in the arena along with doing seriously cool things with them.

“My mom hated them. She said they made me look like a whore.”

Um… Kate’s open mouth would have revealed her shock if Cami had happened to glance her way. She had no idea how to reply to that comment made by the girl’s dead mother. “Well, um, that’s one opinion, I suppose.”

Cami shrugged. “She wasn’t trying to be mean. She was just like that. She was honest with her opinions. That was cool. You always knew where you stood with her.”

There was honest and then there was mean and awful and inappropriate, but Kate kept that observation to herself at this point. “You miss her?”

Cami shrugged again. But neither did she reply with her typical, careless “whatevs.”

“My mom died in April.”

Cami’s faced whipped around to Kate’s, searching her gaze. It was a first, Cami actually showing shock and interest in something Kate said. “April?”

“Yes. She had a heart attack. Died. Then I found out I had a brother, but she had abandoned him. That brother was Jack. That’s why I’m here.”

“You didn’t know all of them before either?”

“Not a one.”

“My mom died in February.”

From February to July before she showed up there? What happened to her? What was she exposed to? Was she safe? Cared for? Abused? Hurt? Desperate curiosity overtook Kate. She had to ask so they could know and understand what they were dealing with in this girl.

“I’m sorry. You’re too young for that.” Kate’s shame was real. She was thirty-five and still couldn’t handle her grief over her mom or her disillusionment. Kate couldn’t imagine having a mother like Cami’s and losing her at age thirteen.

“She lost custody of me a few times. She was a drug addict. It was better when she was clean, but it never lasted long; then…”

“Your dad’s life was a lot like that.”

“Not yours though?”

“No. Not at all. My parents were always with me and loved me.”
They fed me, cared for me, kept me safe
, but Kate didn’t say that to the lost little girl she saw before her. Funny too; no matter what a parent might do to a kid, the kid still loved the parent.

“What’s that like?” Cami asked after a long moment, her gaze riveted on the view. Kate stared at the girl before her heart swelled in tenderness, sadness, and longing. Cami blinked her too-black lashes and kept her little girl face as neutral and tough as she could. Meanwhile, her voice wavered and she faltered at the question.

“It was very nice. It’s a lot like what you’ve experienced this month here with AJ.”

Cami’s gaze shifted quickly at her, then she turned away. “And you.”

Kate’s breath stopped. She didn’t expect that. She nodded and gazed out towards the view too. “Yes, with me too.”

Whatever. At least, the girl didn’t call her
crazy
or
bitch
anymore. She ceased all her insults. There was a wealth of untapped girl potential inside Cami. There was so much they didn't know about her, from her emotions, to her opinions about what happened to her. They didn’t know how often she grieved or how much she loved. They knew so little. But the shift in her attitude, now that she just started to engage them, offered renewed hope, and someday, perhaps knowing nothing could change to knowing
something
.

“I NEED TO GO HOME for a little while,” Kate announced with a soft thump as she sat down on the couch.

AJ glanced at her, his attention fully engaged immediately. “Is something wrong?”

“Estate problems with my mom. I need to do something about her condo. It’s a serious investment potential. I just… it’s time. I have a former life there I need to get back to. A business to run, a condo I live in and I haven’t… Well, this is not my house.”

AJ kept his face carefully blank. “No, it’s not.” He sat back, setting his shoulders rigid. She nodded, riveting her gaze on the coffee table before them.

“We should probably talk about that.”

She felt his gaze as he shifted forward, leaning his elbows on his knees. “Yeah.”

“I can’t stay here.”

“I can’t leave here.”

She nodded. “I know. Seattle isn’t for you. At all.”

“River’s End isn’t for you.”

“And now there’s Cami. She needs you.”
More than I do,
Kate thought, but she kept that to herself. Inhaling a deep breath, Kate turned to the side, her leg drawn up under her so she faced him. She touched his arm. “I started this with no thought of anything. But I’m glad I did. I have no idea what it means, however. You told me in the beginning you wanted sex to mean something. All I can tell you is
all
of what we shared turned out to mean
everything
to me.”

AJ sucked in a breath, just barely glancing at her through the corners of his eyes before he leaned closer. “I didn’t plan on it becoming anything either. But when you didn’t leave, it became everything.”

She rested her head against his big arm. His muscles tensed and he reached over and rubbed her head. She smiled at the gesture. “I’ll come back.”

“To visit,” he stated, not questioning her intent.

“Yes. To visit.”

He nodded. “I need to figure something out for me and Cami. She can’t stay here alone, and I can’t live in Jack’s house. But the trailer…”

“What about that property you talked about before?”

He barely lifted his shoulders in a half-hearted shrug. “I can’t afford that. Not right now, at least.”

“I could.” Kate kept her head on AJ, and her voice soft. She felt him tense at her words. He shifted and she had to lift her head up, sighing, as he started to overreact. “I can afford it. Is there any reason I couldn’t buy it? Put something on it to live on, and you could rent it from me.”

“You can’t do that, Kate.”

“Well, actually I can. You know what sucks? I know Erin stayed here after she and Jack got together.”

“In the trailer I live in now.”

“Yes, all of which Jack provided. But that’s okay in your head. She’s not a gold-digger or underserving of the life she now has, but if I’m the one offering you anything…well, it’s just totally different, isn’t it?”

AJ threw his hands up. “I have no idea. It just can’t happen.”

“I need a place to stay when I come here. Jack and I seem to get along well. There isn’t much chance he, his boys, and his extended family around here are going to troop into my condo in Seattle, is there? So any visiting will be due to my effort. I can come for extended times; but I would need a place to stay. Why can’t it be with you?”

He shook his head. “It can’t be like that.”

“Because of your pride? Cami deserves a stable place to live, AJ. Maybe some kids could move endlessly, but she deserves a permanent place to stay. So do you, to be honest. But face it, you’ve never once had that, not even for a year. I can provide that for you. You intend to stay here and Jack intends to keep you here as long as you want, I’d say, judging by the way he talks about you.”

“What conversation are we having here? You leaving? We’re done? We’re together? Whatever it is, you’re not paying my way.”

“But again, Jack can pay for Erin? Fuck that, AJ. I had a lot of opportunities in my life, and I took them and never squandered them. I have worked for the past decade to accumulate the means for a healthy living and retirement. My parents also left me all kinds of money and investments. Lucky girl, right? Too manly to take my help no matter how practical, huh?” Mid-way through her rising temper, Kate stood up. AJ’s eyes followed her.

“Maybe I want to do it. Maybe I want a place of my own when I come here. Maybe I’ll do it anyway and fuck you if you don’t take advantage of it. And we’re so not done. But I am leaving. So figure out what the hell
you
intend to do with that.”

She turned on her heel, stomped into her room, and slammed the door, nearly foaming at the mouth. Grabbing her suitcase, she started throwing her clothes into it. It soon became quite a pile of belongings. Not all of it would fit. She sat on the suitcase, trying to jam it shut when a soft knock rapped on her door. She gritted her teeth, not yet calm enough to apologize for losing her temper or swearing around him and being her usual, childish self. Later. Later she’d apologize and be calm and adjust her behavior to be more acceptable. Not yet. Not now. Now she was hitting, jamming, nearly screaming at her suitcase and the large bump of clothing that kept it from closing. “What?”

The door opened with a soft click. She sighed. It wasn’t AJ. He would have just busted in. It had to be Cami. She jumped on the suitcase one last time before answering, “Hey, come in.”

Cami walked in and glanced around. She glared at Kate with angry eyes, and her makeup was smudged. “I heard you.”

Kate sighed heavily. She often suspected the clueless, careless girl knew everything that went on. Kate sat down on the edge of the bed. “I have a job. A life. As I told you, I came here to meet my brother. I never expected to find a boyfriend.”
Or his daughter
. His wayward, sad, scared, scary, twisted, shy, sweet, crazy, secretive, angry, rebellious daughter.

“I thought he was your fiancé?”

She sighed. “I was mad that day. I only said that to get your attention. And then, he was living here, mostly to be near you, by the way, and it seemed okay to let you think that. But no, we aren’t engaged. We just met when I arrived here. But I care very much about him.”
And you too, little girl,
but Cami wouldn’t let her say that. She wasn’t trusted or welcome… yet. Kate believed more time and tolerance might help. But who knew what the future held?

“Did you mean it about the land stuff?”

“Yes. Sorry, you heard me yelling.”

She snorted. “You could never be intimidating. You’re like a puppy, all riled up and snarling at us.”

Kate made a face. “I thought I was bat-shit crazy and scary acting. I try to be.”

Cami shook her head. “No, I’ve heard scary anger before. And yours definitely isn’t.”

“No, it isn’t.” Kate sighed, staring down and feeling deflated.

“I think he should let you help him. And, you know, you deserve a place to stay here too, right?”

Kate’s head lifted in surprise. “Uh, yeah. But he has this huge ego. Most men do.”

“But like you said, Jack took in Erin, what’s so different?” She wished Cami would ask AJ that question.

“I’ll work on him and see if I can’t make something happen.”

Cami stood there, unmoving. Kate wasn’t sure how far to take it. She had no rights with the girl and no idea how far their connection should go, considering she was nothing official to her. She felt nervous, and didn’t want to push her luck. No telling where real life would take them as the summer ended, fall came, winter set in, and the sands of time smoothed it all over.

Still, she found herself promising, “I will be back.”

Cami didn’t move, but finally scoffed. “Whatevs, Kate.”

Yeah. Whatevs
. Kate wanted to wilt onto the bed or grab the girl in a reassuring hug and convince her she would be back. But Kate suspected this girl’s entire life was filled with people leaving and few coming back, or even promising to. It seemed better not to build her hopes up. She didn’t want to be another disappointment in Cami’s life.

“I was just checking. See ya.” Cami was biting her lip as she sped out of the room, the hallway, kitchen, and front door before Kate could even get to her feet. Sighing deeply, Kate watched the little pixie in black streaking across the yard. Off to where? To feel what? She wouldn’t know. She couldn’t help.

AJ entered when Cami slammed the door. “She heard us. I think she might actually care that I’m leaving.”

AJ stared at her, and his shoulders relaxed as his eyes shut. “She’s not the only one.”

Kate’s shoulders sagged and she nearly wilted. She stepped closer to him and curled up into his arms, placing her head on his chest, and listening to his heart. “Then don’t be such a jerk about it. And she asked me why you couldn’t let me buy the place. You tell me, AJ? You don’t think that someday your daughter could have more money than whatever boyfriend she chooses? Think of that message you’re giving her.”

Kate thought he’d stiffen and push her away and they’d start again, but instead, his chest rumbled. “Kate. Give it up for now.”

“I don’t give up.”

A deep silence followed her outburst and their gazes stared into the other’s soul, or so it seemed. AJ finally whispered, “Well, maybe something won’t end now.”

“Do you mean that? You’ll do this with me?” She nearly held her breath and crossed her fingers and toes in hopeful apprehension.

“Do this?”

“Long distance. Us together, even if we’re not together all the time. So what if it’s imperfect?”

He nodded and kept nodding. “Yeah, I think it’s kind of a given. Unless you’re done, with me, that is.”

Kate suddenly threw herself at him. Why was he always so sure he wasn’t the prize? Why did he always believe he wasn’t enough? For Kate, he was more than enough, but he never embraced that. “I’m not done. I don’t know how to ever be done with you, AJ, even if I desired that.”

“You don’t desire it? Not even a little?”

Again, his voice cracked with insecurity. Kate leaned back and touched her finger to his lips. “Not even a little.”

“All right, then I’ll see you when you next come back here.”

She smiled through her anxiety; she hated leaving. “And I know I don’t have to worry about other women, now do I, my celibate cowboy? That’s one excellent thing about you, huh?”

He smiled too, although it was strained. “I’m with you, there’s no one else I’d even consider desirable.”

She leaned her head against his chest and swore she could feel him holding his breath, waiting for her response. He suspected she could not stay celibate. “You are wrong.”

“About what?”

“It isn’t hard for me to abstain from sex. The only time that’s hard is when you’re around. It’s only you, AJ. I want only you. And if I’m not interested in someone, I can go for years without sex too.”

His arms grasped her shoulders and he kissed her forehead. “I think I underestimated you.”

“No, you underestimated yourself and how a woman can feel about you. So quit doing it and we just might make this all work out.”

He took in a slow breath. “Work out to what?”

She didn’t answer. Then she said, “Not sure yet, but I’m willing to see where it goes. Are you?”

“I am. Yes, I’m willing.”

“Then, I’ll be back.”

“I’ll be waiting. Actually, we’ll be waiting. I don’t think Cami wants you to leave either.”

“No, but maybe it will be good for you two; give you more time to figure each other out. Your relationship with each other is more important than mine and hers or even ours.”

AJ sighed. “When you say things like that, I think I can be with you for a long time.”

She took his words to heart as they quietly held each other and let the silence fill the space between them. So much was still unknown and unanswered, but there was no denying the passion that existed between them. Kate shut her eyes, believing something had to come of this.

What that was, she couldn’t name or understand. But she knew it was there.

****

The drive back to her condo had her heart aching in her chest the entire way. She kept biting her lip to stop her tears from falling. She didn’t listen to any music lest it stir up emotions and make her chest ache even more. They did the whole goodbye scene, she hugged Erin, and even Jack embraced her, adding a
brotherly
pat on her shoulders. Hell, she now had a brother.

Cami just stood in the house, digging her hands into the deep pockets of her skinny jeans with little or no response to Kate when she tried to say goodbye. Finally, Kate sighed and hugged AJ after everyone else left and they had some privacy. They kissed, and hugged each other tightly. There were no promises, no I love yous or anything inappropriate. There was a distinct sense of loss and overbearing heaviness in Kate, but she wasn’t sure how to deal with it. It was just too much, too soon. Too soon for anything more, and she had a real life to return to. As well as a paycheck to earn in the city she loved.

All alone in the city.

That reality fell heavily on her mind.