Riverbreeze: Part 3 (43 page)

“No!” She burst out. Then more quietly, she added, “I do not need more poppy syrup, however, I will talk to Abigail again, though her situation was different from mine.”

“Yes, she was actually…” Evelyn lowered her voice to a whisper. “…raped. You were not.” She added pointedly.

“But she doesn’t have to face the attentions of a husband. When I think of lying with Robert, those thoughts get all mixed up with what happened with Wesley. And then I think about losing the baby and…and…” She couldn’t continue and fell, weeping, into Evelyn’s arms.

Evelyn held her, patting her back. “Shh, there, there; I know.”

“Oh, why are you all putting up with me?” Elizabeth said, drying her eyes with the handkerchief Evelyn had given to her.

“Because we love you.” Evelyn said with a tender smile.

Elizabeth took that to heart and the very next day, she woke up making a resolution to take her life back. With Evelyn’s help, she washed and dressed and ventured downstairs for the first time in almost a month. It was frightening taking that first step out of her bedchamber’s doorway, and all of a sudden a fear like she had never experienced before paralyzed her. She clutched the doorjamb and held on for a few minutes, gasping for air. “I can’t; I can’t.” She cried.

“Yes, you can. Take one step, just one step.” Evelyn encouraged her. She had her arm around Elizabeth’s waist and gently guided her out the door. “I’m right here with you. You won’t fall.”

With Evelyn’s support, Elizabeth managed to partially overcome her fear. Her whole body trembled still; her heart pounded in her chest and she still felt like she might faint, but she was able to take small steps, telling herself she had nothing to fear while in the house. This was her home where she could feel safe and where she had the love and support of all the people around her.

At the landing, though, she had another moment of panic at the thought of descending the stairs, but Robert and Robin suddenly appeared at the bottom of the staircase. Seeing their caring faces calmed her.

“Come along, Mama!” Robin chirped, his sweet, little face bright with happiness at seeing her. He climbed the stairs, one tall step at a time, holding onto the rail with one hand, the other outstretched towards her.

Well, she couldn’t reject his offer seeing how brave he was to climb the steps to help her down.

She glanced quickly at Robert, afraid of what she might see—resentment, anger, after all, he hadn’t even slept in his own home last night because of her—but what she did see almost made her weep. His face was full of compassion, patience, love and encouragement. How did she deserve such a devoted husband?

Robin had reached the step right below her and smiling down at him, she bent down to take his hand. “Are you coming to breakfast, Mama?”

“Yes, I am, Robin. Will you do me the honor of escorting me, please?” She said formally, keeping her focus on him and not the churning butterflies in her stomach.

Robin blinked at her question, not really understanding what she meant. From the bottom of the stairs Robert said, “Walk her down the stairs, Robin.”

“Come along, Mama.” Robin said.

Evelyn whispered in her ear as she withdrew her arm. “You’re doing fine. Take it slow. I’ll be right behind you.”

She nodded, giving Evelyn a small smile. She then took a fortifying breath and started slowly down the stairs with Robin. As long as she concentrated on pleasing him, she could conquer the fear that was threatening to destroy her.

At the bottom of the stairs, she was welcomed by Robert putting his hand around her waist and giving her a good morning kiss. “You look beautiful this morning.” He said with a smile.

“Thank you.” She dipped her head shyly. “I’m sorry about last night.”

“Shh, mention it not.” He said quietly.

“Let’s eat!” Evelyn piped up, knowing that if Elizabeth spent too much time here in the hall, she might regress and flee back up to her bedchamber. “We’ve all got a full day ahead of us.”

She was right, Elizabeth thought; and then as if Evelyn and Robert had planned this ahead of time, Robert shooed Robin ahead of them while they each put an arm around her and firmly guided her into the kitchen. They weren’t going to allow her to change her mind.

Jamie immediately stood up from his place at the table and rushed up to give her a hearty kiss. The servants rose and bowed formally, carefully keeping their eyes downcast. She was embarrassed; they knew there was something wrong with her, like a mental defect; nevertheless, she acknowledged them with a grateful nod of her head. From the fireplace, Abigail greeted her pleasantly as if this was just another day.

The day progressed from there. Everyone ate heartily while she picked at her breakfast. She was still nervous and jumped at every little noise or creak of the house as if someone was coming to get her. Everyone was kind enough to ignore it, but she knew they were all watching her with pity.

Presently the men left to do their daily chores and Evelyn started to help Abigail with the clean-up. “Will you take the dogs out, Elizabeth?” She asked.

Elizabeth froze. Would she be able to do that? She, at least, wanted to try. She left the kitchen and went into the hall where the dogs had been lying on their blanket. She stopped to pet them, even going so far as to sit down on the floor to take extra time to cuddle them in her lap. Robin followed her and joined her on the floor. There they took several minutes enjoying the dogs’ company and for those few moments Elizabeth felt happy and normal again.

But soon, she realized she couldn’t delay any longer. She got up, fetched her cloak and also helped Robin into his little coat and hat. The dogs were eager to go out and immediately upon opening the door, they rushed out.

Robin followed them, running and skipping merrily, but Elizabeth couldn’t. She tried her hardest, but every time she took a step towards the open doorway, she could not move. Her heart pounded and her breath came in gasps. She clutched the doorjamb and pressed herself against the wall, trembling uncontrollably.

Cold air blew in, fluttering her cloak and flattening her skirts against her legs. But still she could not move. She watched the dogs run about, doing their business quickly and sniffing around the garden fence, their favorite place. She noticed, however, that they did not go far, certainly staying away from the small house. They remembered that day also, but even though they retained that memory, they were still able to leave the house. Why couldn’t she? Why did she stand here, petrified?

“Mama! Mama!” Robin called.

She must try harder for Robin’s sake. She didn’t want him to see her like this. She straightened her spine and slowly, ever so slowly, slid her foot towards the open doorway. Maybe if she took just one step onto the doorstep that would give her the confidence to go further.

But every time she tried, she felt like a giant hand was squeezing the breath from her. Tears streamed down her face and then out of control, she let out a high-pitched whine.

Evelyn came running and gathered her into her arms. “What is wrong?”

“I can’t do it! I can’t go outside!” Elizabeth collapsed into Evelyn’s embrace and sobbed great, wracking sobs.

“Let’s get you to bed.” Evelyn said, and Elizabeth went, defeated and worn out.

* * *

That first day defeated her indeed, but little by little, throughout the month of March, Elizabeth was able to function normally in the house. Because she wasn’t able to help out with any outside chores such as preparing the kitchen garden for spring planting, walking the dogs or doing laundry or milking the cow or goat, she devoted herself to mastering the art of housewifery according to the book ‘
The English Housewife’
. She decided that if she couldn’t be a proper wife to her husband, at least she could keep his house in a proper manner. This included cooking, baking, housekeeping, looking out for the health of her family by learning how to prepare medicines and administering them, distilling vinegars, flower waters and so forth, and making cheese and butter. She never let the enormity of this goal get her down.

She swept the floors daily, upstairs and down; she dusted everything in sight; she even cleaned the fireplaces and laid new fires each morning and then she stayed by Abigail’s side, learning how to prepare every type of fowl Robert and Jamie brought home from their hunting trips and every kind of fish they caught. Herrings were especially plentiful this time of year as they filled the rivers and streams preparing to spawn. She would have liked to see this bounty in person, but it wasn’t to be. Even Evelyn’s enthusiasm and awe at witnessing this wonder of nature couldn’t convince her to go outside. “Maybe, next year.” She told her sister.

She also helped Abigail with the many new patients who came seeking medical care, taking her mind off of her own troubles. Word had spread about how well Burcher’s leg had healed due to Abigail’s herbal applications. Together they treated a deep cut in a young boy’s foot with a poultice made from yarrow leaves and hyssop and his mother was so grateful she paid Abigail a whole shilling! Another day Mr. Warden showed up with a sore throat. They gave him a cup of warm honey water to drink on the spot; then Abigail made up a little pouch of dried willow bark for him to take with him with instructions on how to brew a tea from the bark. He only paid her with a pot of his wife’s persimmon preserves, which she graciously accepted, but after he left, she told Elizabeth that when she had her own place, she was going to have to insist upon monetary payment or she wouldn’t be able to support herself. But that concern was for another day, and it appeared she wouldn’t have to worry about it for quite some time anyway. Now that Robert and Jamie had to concentrate on the tobacco crop and building the new tobacco barn, they wouldn’t have time to clear the land for her little house or build it. She didn’t mind, though, and Elizabeth wasn’t in any hurry to see her go. Elizabeth still had a lot to learn!

During the third week of March, they had two patients, on separate days, both of them with bad burns on their hands and arms. It was a terrible sight to see and the wounds reminded Elizabeth of poor Robin’s legs and feet. However, Robin had healed quite satisfactorily and she was confident these gentlemen would heal as well if they followed Abigail’s instructions. Their stories were quite similar; both men had cleared their plant beds of all growth without mishap, but when they set fire to the remaining roots of grass and weeds, a sudden shift in the direction of the wind sent the flames right at them. This interested Elizabeth because Robert didn’t burn his plant beds, and, in fact, she was so interested she asked Mr. Potter why he burned his. He was quite happy to explain it, even through his pain, as Abigail smeared a salve of beeswax, honey and chamomile on the burns before wrapping them. (Elizabeth suspected that the man was rather lonely and was enjoying the attention of both her and Abigail, and in the background, Evelyn.) He said that his property was mostly virgin forest and since he couldn’t cut down all the trees and remove the stumps, he just girdled the trees so they would die and burned the brush on the ground to clear the land. Unfortunately, he had gotten caught this time by the shift in wind direction. Mr. Bowman’s story was the same although his recount was told through gritted teeth and interspersed with moans and groans. He couldn’t quite tolerate the pain like Mr. Potter had, but he was a brave man, nevertheless.

Both men paid Abigail with hand-written IOU notes off of this year’s tobacco crop which wouldn’t mature until August. She tucked those notes away in her little document box until it was time to collect on them.

Elizabeth truly enjoyed these visits from all these various people. It was the only time she saw anybody since she couldn’t even leave the house to go to church. Robert also didn’t go, electing to stay home with Elizabeth and Robin, and pay the fines for their absences. Elizabeth felt awful about this; he was losing money because of her, but he didn’t seem to mind. Each Sunday morning they had their own little service in the parlor, Elizabeth playing hymns on the virginal and Robert reading from the Bible. Then he would spend the afternoon out doing field work while she fixed supper for the entire household.

And that’s the way it was all throughout March. Elizabeth never left the house and Robert never pressured her. She wondered how he could be so patient with her, but she did notice that he seemed to be working all the time, from sun up to sundown. He returned to their bedchamber, exhausted from the day’s labor, and then slept on the trundle bed and sadly, he didn’t even attempt to kiss her good night anymore. They were drifting apart.

She was devastated; she was angry at herself for having these uncontrollable feelings, and didn’t understand them. Even Evelyn was bewildered by her behavior. Almost every day the twins would spend some quiet time together talking and analyzing Elizabeth’s feelings. Evelyn admitted to Elizabeth that this situation was very hard on her, adding to Elizabeth’s guilt. This guilt drove Elizabeth to try harder to conquer this new phobia of hers and every day, with Evelyn’s and Abigail’s encouragement, she would stand by the open doorway and try to step outside. But every day she failed and she would run upstairs to hide away until she calmed down. And then she would punish herself by immersing herself in more spring cleaning.

The first week in April, two blessed events occurred. The first was the birth of Helen Boyle’s baby and the second was the birth of Peasblossom’s foal at the end of the week.