ROAR (13 page)

“I’m particular about my coffee.”

A stimulating exchange about their preferences in coffee blends ensued until they merged onto I-70 and headed west. The conversation flowed naturally with them discussing their preferences in other things, too, especially music.

“Davis and Coltrane are my favorites. Love classical and jazz.” Hearing that she shared his taste in music, the conversation moved on to favorite compositions, and they hadn’t reached the Breckenridge exit yet. Halfway through the two-hour drive to Forseti headquarters, they still had a lot to talk about.

“How are classes going?”

“They aren’t. I quit Friday.”

Seriously? Six days ago? Why hadn’t she said anything? While he’d hoped she’d consider doing so for her own good, he hadn’t really expected her to do it. “How do you feel about that?”

“I miss it a lot, but it was the right decision. I found myself so tired all the time, and I would rather focus on building up my body with food and exercise. But I did learn a lot. Someday, I’ll find someone to explore the lifestyle with, but this just wasn’t the right time.”

He hoped Pamela would find someone to give her the kind of love she sought. She was young enough—only in her mid-thirties, he’d guess. If the universe was kind to the two of them, neither would be struck down in his or her prime. Kristoffer had been lucky to find the love of his life early on and had enjoyed many years with her before Tori had been ripped away, leaving him with only fading memories.

He found himself curious about what it was she was looking for in the lifestyle. “Describe your perfect dynamic.”

“Good thing we have plenty of time. There’s so much to say, I don’t know where to start.” She paused a moment as he drove on. “I used to think I was meant to be a slave, but that wasn’t right for me. I’m afraid I drove away one of the Doms I thought I could be serious with before I came to that realization. He was lost and exploring, too, uncertain of what he wanted. I’m ashamed to say that made him easy to manipulate. I probably topped him from the bottom, but don’t think he saw it as such, because I was more subtle than those he’d played with before me.”

“The Dom who is right for you would correct that behavior.”

She sighed. “I hope so. I’ve heard how wonderful it can be when you find the one who makes you whole, but also makes you melt. Sadly, I haven’t experienced that yet.”

“Tell me more about your ideal dynamic.”

“For me, it’s the psychology that I find fascinating. I’m beginning to identify as an alpha submissive, although I wasn’t able to fully explore that before leaving the academy. I’m in search of a Dominant partner worthy of my submission who is intelligent, protective, secure enough in his own identity not to lord himself over me.”

“I see.” He fought back a grin. Pity the man who ever attempted to do that with this fiery sprite.

Something about Pamela differed from any other submissive he’d met. Perhaps her independent streak, or how she hadn’t backed down in the meeting when Gunnar had tried to intimidate her. Not many people went head-to-head with his cousin and won. But Pamela had.

Curious to know more, he asked, “What other qualities would an alpha sub have? I’m not sure if I’ve met one before.”

Until you, perhaps.

Pamela shrugged. “Everyone’s going to answer that differently. Some say such a creature can only be found in a polyamorous relationship to determine a pecking order among multiple submissives, but that’s too narrow a definition for me.”

“One True Way types?”

She nodded, rolling her eyes. “The know-it-alls who decree their rigid beliefs and protocols are the only way annoy me.”

“We’re in agreement there.”

“I’m not sure what else to say about how I perceive alpha submission other than I’m looking for a Dom who will consider my opinion, consult with me on major decisions, and admit when he’s wrong.”

“A rare breed of male, indeed—at least among our species.” One would think they were zoologists.

She grinned. “Yet I remain optimistic he’s out there somewhere.”

Hearing the hope in her voice about her future filled a void in his own heart.

“I just have no time for the hunt, so it’s a good thing another trait is the ability to thrive on my own without a Dom.” She sighed, as though that wasn’t her status of choice. “However, when I do find him, as with any good Dom no matter what my orientation, I would expect him to meet and nurture my need for submission and service. More compelling for me, though, is taking away his burdens and worries. It could be as simple as preparing his meal or massaging his shoulders after a stressful day.”

The scenes she described opened an ache in his chest. He shook off the distant memories threatening to invade. “Doms primarily want to please their submissives. I don’t know that you’d get one to ask you to do anything but receive what they wish to give you. Otherwise, if you aren’t careful, you’ll be disciplined for topping from the bottom.”

“True. Definitely something I’ve been known to do.”

“Without providing too much personal information, in what ways would he fill your submissive heart?” He didn’t know why he wanted to discuss this with her, but it illustrated how much he was missing out on life.

“Beyond playing in the dungeon or bedroom, ultimately, I could be fulfilled with simple, non-dominant gestures. Like lying with my head in his lap while he stroked my hair as he read or watched television.”

Those quiet evenings with Tori were some of the times he missed most. The sessions in Gunnar’s dungeon had been fun and exciting early in their relationship, but they hadn’t visited for months by the time of the wreck. He’d been busy with work.

Another regret.

“Trying to anticipate his needs would be my utmost challenge.” Pamela pulled him back to the present. “I have this intense need to serve him in some way. Not every Dom is open about what his needs are, so I would try to determine them on my own.”

Lucky man
. “Tell me more about the alpha submissive you feel resides inside you.” So far she’d described the way most submissives he’d encountered looked at the lifestyle. What made an alpha different?

She paused a moment. “Trust is harder for me to surrender and could only be given to someone I feel worthy of the gift.” She sighed and remained silent a moment before continuing. “Alpha or not, I wouldn’t come to him empty seeking to be filled. I’m already filled. Merely searching for a relationship where I don’t have to be in control of everything. One where I can submit—surrender—to someone who doesn’t want me to be ‘lesser than’ in order for him to feel more powerful or in control himself. Where the directions given to me would not only use my strengths but also push my limits. Does that make sense?”

He nodded. “But I daresay most Doms don’t look at their submissives as lesser than. Far from it. They cherish them and know the submissive holds the true power in the relationship.”

“True. I’m still sorting it out and didn’t get far enough at the academy to determine if my instinct is correct and I am an alpha sub.”

“What else makes you think you might be alpha?”

“You mean other than the obvious?”

He laughed. “Most submissives I’ve met are strong, usually women, and hold power positions in their careers and communities. I once met a slave who is an executive for a major airline. Putting labels on people based on their public life and career can lead to some serious miscalculations. Sounds as though alpha subs take strong-willed to a whole new level—in both the bedroom and the boardroom.”

“I hear what you’re saying, and I mean no disrespect to other subs. It’s dangerous to attempt to peg someone as this or that kind of sub. Submission is intensely personal to each person. As I told you, I’m still working this out for myself. I think my professional standing is a large part of how I identify. Some aspects of my life are off limits. For instance, no Dom will tell me how to care for my patients or even who or where those patients can be. So my career is off the table as far as negotiations. And no doubt I have a Dominant streak as well, although I try to use it in not quite obvious ways.”

“Topping from the bottom or a switch?”

She shrugged, but grinned. “I’ve been accused of the former before. I probably do so to some extent. But I’m definitely not a switch. I have no desire to be Dominant on the surface.”

“Not all Doms allow being topped by a sub.”

“No, most don’t. Between you and me, I’m excited about finding the Dom who not only recognizes it but also corrects it.” She sighed. “But I won’t surrender to just any man.”

They drove in silence as he thought about the gauntlet she’d just dropped, although she certainly hadn’t intended for him to pick it up.

Soon after, he pulled off the exit ramp at Frisco. Another forty-five minutes to go—and then they’d have the drive back to Denver to dive into other discussions.

Apparently, she hadn’t exhausted this one, though. “But can anyone say definitively who they are without a lot of experimentation?” Before he could reveal more than he wanted to about his own relationship with Tori, he was thankful the question was rhetorical. “I like being in control of everything in my life and will bow down before very few.”

The image of her bowing prostrate before him flew into his mind out of nowhere. That she was naked in the delusional fantasy didn’t help any.

“I’m looking for someone who can earn my respect before I give up control, but who also will take me in hand privately when necessary and provide that piece that’s missing—be it guidance, dominance, or discipline.” She became quiet.

“Only in private?” he asked.

“Unless it’s subtle. I’m not “out” to many. Too many closed-minded people with the power to ruin others.”

At a traffic light in Frisco, he glanced her way and watched her chewing at the inside of her lower lip. “What kinds of issues do you want to work on?”

She met his gaze briefly. Her voice became softer when she continued. “I have a problem with self-discipline. I’ll need a very patient man to help me learn to focus better and rein in my stampeding thoughts. I can’t stay in the moment, even during a scene. It’s kept me from reaching subspace or anything close. I also have a habit of talking too much. Part of the same issue, I suppose, because it certainly keeps me from focusing.”

“An observant Dom would pick up on those things right away and find creative approaches to help you improve.” He smiled to himself thinking of any number of ways he’d work with her on such issues.

“I hope you’re right, but I also have no tolerance for physical pain. It can go quickly from excited pain to get me the hell out of this scene.” Her laugh sounded forced this time. Was she afraid of accepting discipline? He hadn’t thought of her as being afraid of anything or anyone before. Perhaps it boiled down to her alpha identification and having not found anyone strong enough to challenge her yet.

The image of Pamela’s surrendering to
him
temporarily blotted out those of Tori from a few moments ago. “I hope you’re able to find what you’re looking for.”

“Me, too.” She paused to stare out the window a moment. “Being equal in intellect is important to me, too. Before he can access my heart, he’ll have to go through my head.”

“Well, they say the brain is the most powerful sex organ.”

“Absolute truth!” Silence ensued a moment. “For the right Dom, I would relinquish control and let him guide me, first in a scene and later perhaps in making decisions and other matters in my life.”

“Other than your career.”

“Yes. That’s a hard limit, although it might be nice to have someone to discuss career decisions with. I just wouldn’t surrender control to anyone else.”

“Don’t settle for anything less. You’re right to take it one step at a time.” No doubt she’d make some lucky man grateful to have found her someday. “Stay true to your ideals. Never apologize for asserting what your needs are—or your weaknesses, either, for that matter. We all have both.”

And you’re fast becoming my greatest weakness, lady, whether you know it or not
.

“Primal, alpha, or beta, Doms welcome a challenge and admire a submissive who knows what she wants.”

“You sound as if you have more than passing knowledge of the lifestyle.”

Not wanting to reveal too much about his relationship with Tori, an almost sacred thing to him now, he said, “Remember, I’ve been around Gunnar a long time. I’ve even been to his dungeon on more than a few occasions.”

“Are you and your wife active in the lifestyle?” When he didn’t answer, she thought perhaps she’d overstepped her bounds, although they’d been talking about her personal life quite freely. “I’m sorry. That’s none of my business.”

He waved away her concern and chose to respond without revealing too much. Guilt assailed him after she’d been so open with him about her life. But Tori was off limits. “We were at Gunnar’s together, of course.” Enough said.

He wished he could confide in her about his wife, but there would be no going back once he revealed his marital situation to her. It could change the way she looked at him and most likely talked with him. He’d hate to see pity in her eyes or hear it in her voice. Life had dealt him and Tori a cruel hand, but he tried not to feel sorry for himself and wouldn’t accept it from anyone else. Best not to complicate things by bringing up Tori’s condition.

Besides, thoughts of Tori kept him from doing or saying anything that might lead him down the wrong path. Yeah, not many would fault him for choosing to move on with his life. Maybe he was hiding behind his wedding band. That might be why Pamela found him easy to open up to; she didn’t feel he was on the make.

She was comfortable for him to be with, too—nonjudgmental, undemanding, and supportive without even knowing he needed propping up.

He could easily let this go further than he was prepared to go. Maybe it was time to distance himself a bit.

*     *     *

Why had she spoken before her brain engaged? Kristoffer’s relationship with his wife was none of her business. They were not social friends, really, but she enjoyed talking with him on just about any topic, even ones she wouldn’t dare reveal to her colleagues. Thinking back over the depth of their conversation, she felt the telltale heat rise in her cheeks.