ROAR (37 page)

“I’m not trying to put you on the spot or anything. Hell, I don’t even know what I want. I can never divorce Tori. I made a commitment to her that I’ll keep as long as she’s living.” He ran his free hand through his hair, seemingly at a loss for words himself. “But I’m not dead yet, either. I guess what I want to ask is if we can renegotiate our limits—not just for the Dom/sub relationship but for our everyday one, too. Could you be open to having something more with me, even if I can’t define what
more
means yet?”

She closed the gap between them and gave him a hug. When she pulled away again, she saw the worry in his eyes and realized he needed to hear the words. He’d taken an enormous step, but still didn’t seem to know what to do next.

“Kristoffer, neither of us has any illusions that life will be easy or perfect. Why not carve out our own happiness? We’re both adults. We don’t have to answer to anyone but ourselves.”

“We don’t live in a vacuum, although being out here is pretty damned close to it. Back in Denver, people will talk. It might even affect your career.”

“I don’t think either of us cares particularly what others think, especially not the judgmental ones. Besides, I’ve dealt with wagging tongues before and didn’t let them control how I live.” She leaned closer. “Kristoffer, we’re going to take it one step at a time. One day, we’ll look back and realize how far we’ve come on the path.”

A tear surprised her by splashing on her hand, but she needed to say this. “I’m so proud of you, though, for taking this first step. I’ve been terribly worried about you with all you’ve shouldered in silence for so long. You put so much pressure on yourself to honor your commitments and take care of Tori’s and Gunnar’s interests that you seem to forget you’re still human. You have needs, too.”

His shoulders relaxed, and he smiled. “As I’m discovering again. You’re an amazing woman, Pamela.” He picked up and handed her the water goblet before lifting his own in a toast. “Here’s to wherever our journey takes us.”

This was happening more suddenly than she’d expected. This trip had been good for him—but she knew not to celebrate until they were back in their day-to-day lives. That would be the test of whether he was prepared to enter into something more than friendship on a long-term basis.

She drew a ragged breath and smiled. “I’ve never enjoyed any man’s company as much as yours.”

“You’re easy to be with. No pressure. And I don’t know why, but I’m able to talk with you about anything and have been able to right from the start.”

She couldn’t resist adding her assessment. “Seeing me naked at the academy probably gave us a sense of intimacy most people don’t have when they first meet.”

He laughed, but almost instantly became serious again. “Honestly, Pamela, I can’t promise you anything but today. I may return to Denver and go back into my cave.”

That he voiced the same concerns she’d had only a moment ago confirmed they were well-matched and that he was aware of the hurdles ahead. “We’ll take this one day at a time. No doubt there will be days when you’re in that dark place, but I hope you will allow me to comfort you in those times and let me coax you back to the light.”

He stared at her in silence a moment. “You make our having some kind of deeper relationship seem plausible.”

“Oh, Kristoffer. It is. It really is. I’m not saying it will be easy, but I do believe we are going to make it work.”

“I haven’t allowed myself the luxury of thinking about living my life again since the accident. In some ways, it still seems as if it never happened and that I’ll wake up from the nightmare. In others, if feels as though I’m forgetting Tori and I ever had a life together, and that scares me just as much.”

“You’ve spent almost half your life with her. She’ll never be gone from your heart.” Would he be able to let Tori go when the time came? Pamela wanted to be strong enough to help him through that, but what if she was in Afghanistan or somewhere else when he needed her? He had Gunnar, but his cousin traveled even more than she did. It pained her to think of Kristoffer facing that day alone.

“I’ll fight off the demons as best I can before they destroy what we’re trying to create here.”

She smiled. “You won’t have to fight them alone. You have me. And I’ll also help
you
work on staying in the moment.”

“Deal.” He leaned forward and kissed her cheek. While she wanted more, shifting gears from friends to a couple wouldn’t come easy for him.

She’d been craving—no fantasizing about—kissing him since the night he’d made her kneel on that bed of rice. Maybe earlier.

Turning her head, her lips grazed his cheek, and she heard him draw in a short breath. She leaned away until they were face to face. His pupils dilated. Should she break down the barrier or wait? Hoping this wouldn’t be seen as too aggressive, she leaned forward again and lightly pressed her mouth against his. Barely the whisper of a touch. Slowly moving her head back and forth, her lips tingled at the butterfly kiss as she enticed him to continue.

When Kristoffer retreated, she let him go with a sigh, seeing he wasn’t ready. But this was only the beginning. They’d have many more opportunities to explore the feelings growing between them, as long as they continued on their path.

However, he surprised her when he wrapped his hand around her nape, keeping her from moving away, as if she had any intention of doing so. He searched her eyes—and growled.

The primal sound set her body on alert for what she hoped would be an exquisite assault on her senses.

Or did the growl signal his frustration and that he was about to flee?

Don’t pull away. Kiss me back, Kristoffer!

*     *     *

A chasm opened up before him, one he wasn’t sure he was ready to jump. But if not now, when? It was a bloody kiss, not hot, passionate sex in the backseat of a limo.

But once he crossed this line, his world would never be the same. He wanted Pamela, but this kiss would be the first time he’d acted on his selfish, primitive urges.

He waited, giving her a chance to change her mind about whether this was right for her, but the look of longing in her eyes told him she’d reached the same level of frustration at not being able to express their true feelings for one another.

“Close your eyes, Sprite.”

Momentary confusion flashed across her eyes before she did as he told her, slipping with apparent ease into her submissive mindset. He leaned closer while holding her head between his hands, even though he didn’t get the impression she wished to escape. Her moan of passion when their lips touched again was all the encouragement he needed.

Kristoffer trailed light, tentative kisses from her neck to her ear, stopping there to nibble on the lobe. Her hands grabbed his shoulders as if to hold on—or perhaps to keep him from moving away.

When she tried to tilt her head, he placed his hands on either side of her head to keep her still. Exerting physical control over her thrilled him, reminding him of… She moaned, bringing him back to the moment and empowering him to go further.

Her skin was so soft. He grasped a hank of her hair and tugged her head back as he moved to capture her mouth for the first time. His cock strained against his zipper. His tongue traced her lips, and he gave a silent roar of victory when she opened to invite him inside.

Although the move lacked finesse and he ought to tease her a while longer, his tongue entered her warm mouth, branding her as his in some primal, symbolic way. They could work out the details of what that meant later, but for now, he’d focus on making her feel cherished and important to him and hoped one day she’d yearn for something more, too.

He released her hair and lowered one hand to stroke her back. Longing to touch her breast, he chose instead to lift his hand up to her nape. When he tried to draw away again, her hand reached up to hold him in place.

“More,” she whispered.

The blood rushing to his head nearly drowned out her voice.

More.

Happy to oblige and wanting to explore further, he slipped his other hand under her sweater, seeking the warm flesh of her back. Gooseflesh popped up in his hand’s wake.

As he lowered his head to capture her lips again, the limo came to a stop.
Bloody hell
. He’d forgotten where they were. How appropriate that they were making out in the backseat, because he felt like a teenager again—testing boundaries he was unsure of while being in a complete state of uncertainty.

Not wanting to embarrass Pamela when the man opened the door, he sat up and pulled away. He handed her a napkin. “Your lipstick,” he said with a grin as he pointed to the mirror behind the bar. She scrambled to sit up and lean forward to check out the damage to her makeup.

“How’s this?” Her lips looked swollen and well-kissed.

“Beautiful.”

She handed him a napkin. “You might want to wipe my lipstick off
yourself
, too.” As he did, she glanced toward the door. “Why do I feel like I’m sixteen and my dad’s on the other side waiting to catch us at being naughty?”

He laughed until the door opened, and the liveried chauffeur stepped aside. Kristoffer exited then helped Pamela out. With her hand in his, they made their way to the tasting room. He couldn’t describe a single wine they sampled, because all he could think about was the amazing woman at his side.

Pamela seemed better able to focus on wine tasting, and they placed an order to ship three bottles to her place. Suddenly, he had zero interest in winery hopping. Before they walked back to the limo, he turned her toward him and stared into her eyes.

After a moment, he asked, “How would you feel if we went back to the house and did a scene together?”

Her pupils dilated, but he waited for a verbal response.

“I’d like that, Sir. What did you have in mind?”

“Not your concern, Sprite. But while we’ve spent a lot of time talking about what you don’t want, you might share with me some of the activities you’d like to try for future reference.” For tonight, he’d formulated a rough idea for a scene and mentally checked off what he’d brought with him and what he needed to purchase. His toy bag had most of what he needed, but when he was packing, he’d only planned to continue their mind training exercises, so he’d left restraints at home.

She drew a breath and held it a moment. “I can’t wait.” The huskiness of her voice told him she was as excited as he.

They returned to find the chauffeur waiting for them. After helping Pamela into the back of the limo, Kristoffer addressed him. “Change of plans, David. Please drive us back to the house. Don’t be in any hurry, though.”

The man smiled and tipped his cap. “Yes, sir.”

Kristoffer started to turn away when he had a second thought and stopped. “Are there any hardware stores still open tonight?”

The chauffeur cocked his head. “Is there a problem that needs fixing?”

No, there’s a Dom here who just realized he was traveling without all of the necessary equipment.

Time to improvise. “No, I just need to pick up a few things for the house.”

Pamela snickered from inside loud enough for him to hear, no doubt well aware of his intentions.

“Santa Rosa has several that stay open late.” The driver mentioned a familiar national chain.

“Perfect.”

Inside the limo again, he found Pamela grinning. To her credit as a submissive, she didn’t ask what he wanted to purchase.

“Now, where were we?” he asked.

*     *     *

Pamela was wound tighter than a steel spring at the promise of a scene with Roar tonight. He’d lowered some of his barriers. Now they could take things a little further. Would they be doing more than mind-training exercises? What had been on her extensive list of things she’d like to do? She had no clue what he had planned on the spur of the moment.

But she couldn’t wait to find out.

If he planned to stop at “Dom Depot,” as her friends called it, he apparently needed something he hadn’t thought to bring with him.

She’d just have to wait until they made it back to the house.

“Water or soda?” he asked. How could he be so calm?

She leaned forward. “I can get it.”

He pressed her shoulder back against the seat. “I’m taking care of you tonight.”

She smiled. “Water, please.”

He refilled her glass and handed it to her. “Would you care for anything else to eat?”

“No, thanks. I couldn’t eat another bite.” Her stomach was a bundle of nerves already.

They arrived at the hardware store sooner than she expected. “You stay here and eat. Drink, too. I don’t want you becoming depleted or dehydrated tonight.”

Sounded as though he planned an active session. Her body thrummed with excitement. She munched on a few more finger sandwiches and drank another gobletful before he returned carrying a bag that concealed his purchases.

Setting it near the door, he rejoined her on the seat. “Listen carefully, because I will be watching to see how well you carry out my instructions.” She sat up straighter and made eye contact. “When we get back to the house, you’re to go to your room, shower, and pull your hair up in a way that it won’t distract you or be uncomfortable when you’re lying down.”

She’d be in a bed for this scene? Sounding better all the time.

“I’ll be waiting outside your room for you. When you join me, I expect you to be naked—that includes shoes and underwear. Will that be a problem for you?”

She smiled. “You’ve already seen everything there is to see.”

“Yes, but I wasn’t close enough to touch you then.”

Her heart pounded, taking her breath away.

She didn’t want to keep him waiting while she prepared herself for him. Good thing she’d shaved earlier today before going shopping and swimming, so she wouldn’t have to do that tonight. Her pulse raced at the thought of him finally touching her intimately. Unable to speak, she nodded her acquiescence.

“What are your current limits?” he asked. “List all of them again so there are no miscommunications.”

“As long as we stick to what’s conventionally considered safe, sane, and consensual, I’ll probably have no problem trying things. But my hard limits still include most forms of edge play, up to and including knives, bloodletting—including needle play, bestiality, practices involving excrement or urine, asphyxiation or extreme breath play.” Some of these she assumed he wouldn’t want to do, either, but it was important to spell everything out. “And while I’ve had mixed results with severe pain in the past, it’s subjective and tolerance can increase over time, so I’ll just rely on my safeword to let you know if something becomes more than I can take. Oh, and I still am not open to being shared or turned over to anyone else for scenes without my specific consent.”