Roar (12 page)

The only real person in my life has been Nate. He is the only snowflake among us, different, and beautiful, and fragile. I know if I hold him, I’ll destroy him. I knew that a long time ago. That’s why I never visited him after he go out of prison and never came for him when he was released into a world he wouldn’t understand. He chose to keep me away while he was inside, and I kept to that. I chose to honor his wishes and never call, never write. I did him better than that; I let him live.

I look at him stuffing a chicken roll in his mouth, his skin glowing with the bright sun above, and the glistening of the lake, his eyes brightly lit with contentment and love. He is beautiful and deserves the world. I know I did the right thing. I also know he still wants me, though I think it’s out of habit. Nate always said I was brainwashed by Daddy, but I wasn’t his only victim. Nate doesn’t realize it, but he was brainwashed, too. He doesn’t really want me, love me, or need me. He has been programmed to believe these things. If I hadn’t taken his hand that day and taken him into my hell, he would be with a woman who was beautiful on the inside as well at the outside; she would be giving him babies, and they would be holding hands right now, sharing this lunch with loved ones.

That’s what should be happening in Nate’s life, but because fate is a complete and unfaithful bitch, Nate sees that kind of future with me. I can practically feel it still vibrating from his soul. We used to dream of such things, but dreams are for the innocent and naïve. I am definitely neither.

I try not to stare at him like a wishful idiot, and instead find Nona’s eyes. She’s only slightly better than Nate; she wishes like we do, but she also sees the painful reality in our future. I never want to hurt them more than I already have, and my being here with them raises the odds on that happening.

“She’s worried,” Nate whispers in my ear and then squeezes my thigh. He shouldn’t touch me. I shouldn’t let him touch me either, but for the life of me, I can’t seem to summon my hand to move it, or my mouth to tell him to either. I should never have said yes to this.

“She has every right to be,” I say not looking at him.

“For today, could you just enjoy yourself? Enjoy being here with family… with me.”

I turn to him, our faces, our lips, so close I can’t help but drop my eyes to them. “If I start, I don’t know if I can do what I must.”

“And what is that?”

I think he knows exactly what I’m referring to, but his warm breath and the pull of him keep me glued, drawing out my answer. “Leave.”

“So don’t.” There is a desperate begging underlining in his words, and I agree. I really do.

I don’t want to leave, and I want to tell him that. But if I do, he will never be free.

Our breathing is so shallow, and I look him in the eyes again, past those long lashes that beg for my kiss. “I can’t stay.”

“I will let you go if you kiss me, right here, right now,” he dares me. I’m about to look for our audience; there’s about fifteen families here, but he shakes his head just a little. “Just you and me, no one else matters other than you and me. It’s your last chance; kiss me, and I will let you go.”

I bite my lip before I take that last breath. One last kiss and we will both be free. Simple, right?

“Nathan, Charlie, you have a guest arriving,” Nona’s voice breaks through the cloud I’m floating on. My face flushes with heat as I glance her way to see she is looking behind us to the parking lot. I feel my stomach turn, like a rot deep inside me. I don’t need to look to know who it’s going to be, and if he had been just a fraction later, he would have been just in time to see a kiss… or maybe he was just in time to stop a mistake.

I rise from my chair beside Nate. His hand slips from my thigh, and the long sigh drenches me with guilt as I go to another man. Paul doesn’t smile as he approaches; he studies me as I move toward him. Then his eyes dart to where I was sitting, or more to the point, whom I was sitting by so closely. I can see the deep bunching of his muscles in his hand; the tell. I just might feel that hand tonight, but I have plenty of time to take the fear from him. I know my monster, and that’s the key. I was too young to understand my daddy, but not anymore.

I reach him, smiling, taking his tight hands in mine. I peck his beautiful lips that at first don’t respond, but when they do, he is loving and thorough. I know it isn’t for me; it’s a claim, but the tightness in his hands begins to soften, so it’s a sweet price to pay.

“Come have some lunch,” I say, smiling all nice. See,
nice
covers a lot of truths.

“I already had something at the hospital, but I missed you. I have Jacob covering for me for a little while, and then I have to go back.”

He isn’t lying. He really does miss me, but I know he also made the surprise visit to check up on me, and more than likely, check up on Nate, too. “I miss you, too. Come sit with me for a bit then.” I pull him toward our table amongst the five others. Folks are watching intrigued, and I put on my nice face. “Everyone, this is Paul Parker. Paul, this is everyone.”

Paul nods as a mob of “Hello, Paul” comes before he takes my chair beside Nate.

“Charlotte.” He holds his hand out for me. I take it, and he pulls me onto his lap. This doesn’t mean anything but possession to Paul, but to Nate and I, it means so much more. Nate has no idea what I let Paul do to me; Nate would never forgive me after all he has done for me. But when he looks at me, I can see the pain and hatred.

Before anyone knows what’s happening, Nate bursts from his chair, which lands on its back, and he’s storming toward the tree line. I watch him leave with inner turmoil, and despite everything I have learned for self-preservation, I turn to Paul and will his permission with my silent plea. He shrugs and I kiss his cheek. He isn’t okay with it; he is more like indifferent—which is
so
much worse.

I could have let Nate go, let him think the worst; after all, it is the truth. But Nate had gone to jail for me. He had lost more than just years for me, and if I was to face a dreadful punishment for making sure he didn’t do something stupid himself, then that is the price I will pay. To be honest… I would pay the ultimate price for his happiness.

Once again, Nona comes to our rescue and calls for a game of ball before dessert. Hopefully it will keep Paul and everyone entertained for a little while.

I don’t run even though my legs beg my brain otherwise. I already have drawn enough attention and enough punishment; running would just offer more than I could possible defend.

It doesn’t take me long to find him; the sounds of his groans pull me to him. In the shadow, I find him leaning against one of the trunks on his haunches. He hears me before he sees me, but doesn’t rise; he just looks up at me, tears in his eyes that break my heart and anything else of substance I have left in me.

“Why?” he croaks.

“It’s not like you think.”

“Liar! I fucking know you, and I know what you look like when in that position, when in that frame of mind.” He’s on his feet and takes my shoulders in his sharp grip. “Why would you allow anyone to do that to you again? After everything? You let him take ownership of you and call you Charlotte, like… like he did.” The tears are streaming down his face and now mine.

“I don’t know,” I breathe.

He looks up at the trees and nods before looking at me again. “He will kill you. You know that, right? If not physically, he will take all that’s left, everything I love.”

“That’s what you don’t understand, Nate.” I sigh, tears flowing freely at the truth I know deep inside that I’m about to unleash. “I don’t have anything left to kill, and to physically die would probably fix everything else.”

The shock presented on his face, followed by anger, raises the hairs on the back of my neck, and my heart quivers in my chest.

He slams me against the tree trunk, bringing a squeak from my throat. I’m not scared of him; it’s more like he… thrills me. His violence has shaken something deep inside me.

“Are you really that fucked up?” he growls.

I lick my lips and will him to kiss me as I stare at his. “Yes,” I rasp.

“Why won’t you fight? Is that what you want? To give up?” he’s practically shrieking. It pains him to see me like this, and yet it makes me hot.
Yeah, I’m that fucked up.
“Fine!” he growls, and pulls me from the tree and spins me so my back meets his heaving chest. My breathing is erratic and then he pulls me to the ground so I’m on his lap and his lips are to my ear. “This is what you want?!”

I tip my head back and wish he would just kiss me. I want his lips so bad, but instead I feel his hard grip on my inner thigh.

“Is this the only way to have you? Is this the only way I can
ever
have you?”

I want him to stop talking, stop asking me things I can’t put words to. I don’t want him to be angry. I don’t want him to think about those days, and yet… he is right. Slowly I climb and drag myself from the fog, and, I push at his grasp on my warm sex. He grips me and I begin to do something I have never done against Nate. I fight against him. I’ve never had to fight him, not ever. But this is different; his intentions are different. Nate is punishing me, not doing it because I asked him to for the love of my daddy. He’s not doing it because he wants me and loves me; he’s punishing me like Paul would.

I have finally crushed my snowflake.

Now I fight, I fight hard, pushing and thrusting my weight. Never have I fought against Paul, but that was a punishment I knew I had to take. I can’t have Nate take this from me or him. I can’t take the last piece of
him
away and turn him into a monster, too.

“Fight harder,” he demands.

I elbow him in the ribs hard enough to make him grunt, and instead of his hands on my thigh and sex, they are at my waist. He pants in my ear as I pant against my damp chest, which pricks against the breeze from the lake.

“Let me go, Nate,” I say catching my breath.

“Not yet.”

I don’t know what to do, so I let him slide his arms around me, swallowing me. I lean into him, my hands resting on his thighs. The thumping of his heartbeat against my back is like an old soothing song, welcoming me home.
I want to go home.

“Charlie, you scare me.” I try to lean forward, needing to be able to turn and look at him, but he won’t allow it, and pulls me tighter. “I’m scared the only love you will accept is one that causes you actual pain.”

“I’m scared for the same reason, Nate. If I stay with you, it will be nothing but pain for
you
.”

Nate buries his mouth into my neck and kisses my skin so softly my chest aches and fresh tears prick against my eyes. “Me too,” he breathes against the dampness of my skin, his steamy breath almost a tickle. “But I can’t love another. It will always be you, Charlie. It’s always been you, and will always only be you.”

That’s what I’m afraid of… brainwashed.

IF IT’S THE LAST
thing I ever do right, it will be making Nate see that he deserves more, that he will love another, and they will live the fairytale life we dreamed of when we were kids.

My love for him will never change, though that is completely different. I was never trained to love Nate, only Daddy. I was trained to respond to Nate, and from what just happened, I know that, too, has changed. We’re adults now; we make our own choices and will face their demons. If I had my way, I would have fucked him right here, yards away from families and children… and Paul. Which begs the question; why would I risk such a thing when I know the dangers?

But I guess when I’m lost in the fog with Nate, I don’t think of anything else. There are no thoughts, no present, past, or future; just us and our needs. And that’s why it’s dangerous for both of us.

Nate’s hand is strong in mine, and he is silently pleading for me to give into his dreams; our dreams. But that’s all they can be.

I take a huge breath knowing what I have to do. I have to let him go, even if I have to send him away. “Nate, it’s not true, not real. What you feel isn’t real.”

I feel his shudder, though I close my eyes like a coward. He grips my cheeks and my hands fall to my side like limp sacks because I don’t trust them.

“You don’t know what I feel, Charlie. Open your eyes.” I don’t want to, but I obey because that’s what I do. “I don’t know how you could think that, but if ever you believe a word I say, believe this―I love you.”

“You think that, but―”

“No!” he snaps, and it’s loud amongst the soft rustle of the trees around us. “Don’t belittle that―not that. Don’t let him take that from us. Your father would love to take that last piece from us, from wherever he is, but we can’t let him. When you go back out there and see Paul, we are going to tell him together. He will be furious, hurt, and embarrassed. He will more than likely say horrid things about you, about me, but they are just words. By my side, he won’t hurt you ever again.”

Oh, how I wish we could do that. Yet, I know the reality. Paul won’t let it be that easy, if he is still out there at all. I wouldn’t doubt he has left by now, because sitting around with strangers while his girlfriend runs after an old flame, is too much awkward embarrassment for him. I will pay for today. It makes me sick to think how he will carry out the punishment, and how I have so many times before accepted such penalties. Though at least Nate will finally be free. He can’t keep saving me. That has always been his downfall in life: saving people, saving me. Well now it’s time for me to save him, no matter the cost to myself.