Roar (24 page)

I walked away from my unrequited love and into the arms of another monster who cares less for me than all of them. I deserve this, and even less, for the lives I have burdened.

This is my penance before I die; I just hope he kills me sooner than later.

MY BACK ACHES BADLY;
it’s the inner shaking I’m containing from the world. I must be strong, especially as I climb these steps to the one person who has never believed me.

I open the large glass door and immediately face the deputy on duty, who eyes me with the same reservation as Noel does. They keep me distant because I’m trouble, a disgrace to the force, for I dare to tarnish one of their own. Well, I’m definitely going to be trouble today, and I’m going to do more than tarnish.

“Miss Barns. The sheriff said we would probably be seeing you soon. That con boyfriend, Shaw, finally show you his true colors?”

I think Deputy Lowe will regret his arrogance soon enough, so I keep what I want to say to myself. “I need to see Sheriff Noel.”

He smiles tightly and makes the call. I can tell he’s getting a lecture on the other end, and likely, being told he hasn’t time for me, so I step in. “Tell him I have evidence of a crime.”

Deputy Lowe halts for a moment. He doesn’t need to relay my message; Noel heard me, I made sure of it. I made sure the whole office, which is only one other deputy, could hear. None of them can turn away evidence of a crime; they must investigate further, even if they believe it to be a hoax. Lowe hangs the phone up and sighs before letting me through to the office that used to be my father’s.

Nothing really has changed in here; same government-issued desk, same government-issued chair, same framed awards. The only difference to my late father’s office is there’s a different name plastered on the door, another name on the certificates and a desk plaque, and of course, there is a much younger version of an asshole behind the desk.

“Miss Barns, what are you claiming you have?”

“No hello, how are you? Can I get you some coffee?”

“Do you have something for me or not, because I am sick of your games. Good people have ruined lives because of your games. Your new boyfriend almost faced additional years in a cell because of —”

“
My father
.” I interrupt, finally saying the words. I can’t believe it has taken me this long to believe it’s true, that I have chosen this moment to accept what happened to Nate and I
wasn’t
my fault. It is Daddy’s fault. We, had no other choice. It is Daddy’s fault we are so damaged. It is Daddy’s fault that I’m so broken. The blame that sticks is from my lack of courage to step up and fix all that. Well, no fucking more!

I swing my old school backpack off my shoulder, that’s seen years in my closet, and plonk it on the chair I refuse to sit on. I need to stand; I don’t know why, I just do.

I guess I make him nervous with my bag, because he unclasps his holster and keeps his hand braced. “I don’t have a weapon, Sheriff Noel.” I pull one tape out and place it in front of him. He looks at it like it might crawl over the desk and bite him. He knows what they are without me having to say it. I then take small pleasure in placing the next tape in front of him, and then another, and another. There are seven tapes all up, years of sin and secrets.

He has a small TV and machine in the cupboard in the corner. I take one over, hoping it has the facilities for VHS since not everyone in this town moves with the times. I open the cupboard and sigh, torn between relief and disappointment. Powering them up in silence, I feel Noel walk up behind me, ready for a show he will wish he never had to see.

The tape slides in and the mechanics grab hold; within seconds the screen changes. I step back beside Noel, feeling the bridge of the two small chairs behind my knees.

Daddy’s voice comes loud and clear across the room and Noel rushes to lower the volume. Daddy is asking me to sit on Nate’s knee, and the peep show continues. Noel isn’t handling it well at all; his horrified face is covered by his hand as he lowers himself to one of the chairs, while I remain standing. He doesn’t last very long before he is back at the machines and shutting them down hastily. What doubt he had for my story, our stories, is clearly gone, replaced by revulsion.

We both remain silent as he processes what I have disclosed in trust. It’s too late to punish Daddy, though maybe he will help me with Nate and my problem with Paul.

I want Nate to be free of the shadow a record and this office can create. If he needs to come here for help, I need to know he will get it.

“I’m sorry, Charlie,” Noel mutters as he falls into his chair behind his desk. He rubs his face and looks like he just aged ten years.

“I know. But your apology isn’t the only reason I have come to you with these. Nate would hate me coming to you with this, but you need to know he isn’t a cold-blooded killer. Daddy attacked me and Nate saved me, plain and simple. Neither one of us wanted it to end that way, I tried to leave and Daddy reacted badly; you can imagine how.”

He waves it off and nods. “Yeah, I understand. You know it won’t change anything other than Nathan’s parole period. He will be free of it after it all goes to court.”

“I don’t think he would benefit from any of that right now. I just wanted
you
to know; I want you to stop thinking the worst of him.”

He nods, and I can actually see tears in his eyes before he looks over at the frame on his desk and picks it up. He then flips it around and shows me his wife and new baby, wrapped in pink. I didn’t know he had a baby; the ring on his finger was the only indicator he was married.

“She’s four months old now.”

“She’s beautiful.”

“I’m so fucking sorry. If someone had done those things to…” he croaks off, and now the tears well in my own eyes.

“You will never allow it,” I say sternly. I know it in my heart he will protect that little girl.

“No,” he whispers, putting the picture back in its place. “What do you want me to do?”

“Nothing. Absolutely nothing.”

I GOT TWO SITE
inspections today; they are a thorn in my ass. The council say they approve of what I’m trying to do, and I think most are on the same page, but someone on that panel isn’t happy. I get more site inspections than any other construction companies I’ve heard of that didn’t have a record of problems. I could go to court about it, call them out for being discriminative, but all that will get me is more angry officials.

Instead, I make sure I pass every single fucking one.

I have someone else in my life to support now, and this company is relied on by so many, but none more close to me than Charlie. She hasn’t gone back to work, and I really don’t want her to, especially if he is still there. I want her to stay home, heal, and marry me. I want her to do whatever she likes, one day have my babies, and all the things we dreamed of together. I have done everything in my power for her to have her dreams and so far I have failed. I won’t fail again!

I’m on the way to the second site, the expansion of the hospital, when the phone rings through the speakers. The radio LCD reads “Nona.” “Yeah?”

“Get home. Get there right now, son. I called the sheriff’s office as soon as I heard her scream.”

I don’t know how I didn’t kill someone, or myself, as I reef the wheel to the left and turn around. A car screams to a halt as I fishtail toward home. “What’s going on?”

“That Paul turned up, and I went over right away, but she said she was okay and invited him there. So I went home and have been keeping my eyes and ears peeled. As soon as I heard her, I called them. I can’t go over there, son. Not this time. I have Davey panicking right now; he can hear her and wants to go help.”

“Fuck. Stay there. Stay safe. I’m on my way.” I end the call and regret it instantly since Nona is my one source of what’s happening so I dial her back. “Nona, can you still hear her?”

She is silent for a second before answering. “No.”

Jesus Christ. “Can you hear anything?”

“Nothing.”

Then, clear as day, I hear something through my speakers that makes my chest ache and I feel sick. Gunshot.

“Oh, my God, Son. I just heard—”

“I know. I heard too. I’m nearly there, just stay low and stay on the line.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t go. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect her this time,” Nona is whimpering through the speakers. I can hear Davey moaning. He does that when he’s upset and I imagine him now, at his chair at the table, rocking. He did that the last time kids thought it was funny to egg the house.

“Stop, Nona. You have done everything for us all.
You
saved us.” I ran the curb on that turn; I need to be careful I don’t hurt someone. I’d never forgive myself if that happened, either.

“You took the punishment for my doing and I hate myself for that every single day.”

“You didn’t have a choice. Can you hear anything now?”

“No.”

“Nona, has he come out?”

“No.”

I hope that means she hurt him and not the other way around.

“I didn’t have to shoot him, Nathan. I could have let him go, but my disgust and rage made me pull that trigger.”

“If you didn’t kill him, I would have. I’m not even sure if his stab wounds would have taken him out in the end anyway. You need to stop feeling guilty; he would have raped and killed her if we hadn’t stopped him.”

“Nathan… mind after your brother.”

“What?
Nona?!
” The line went dead and I know she is going over there. Davey will be in a state now and won’t move. Nona is risking her life for Charlie and me again. Goddamnit!

I take the last block, ready to be sick over the steering wheel. I can’t lose them—any of them.

My truck screeches to a stop and I fly from the cab; the truck’s still running, but I don’t care about that. I don’t care about anything but what’s going on behind those walls. Those fucking walls seem to be the hellfire of my existence. Only one good thing ever came from that house and that was Charlie. Everything else has been nothing but a sticky black tar that wants to smother the light.

It’s dangerous, but I burst through the open front door ignoring reason, which screams for me to approach with caution. I wish I had a gun.

I wish right now, Nona didn’t.

I can’t breathe. Standing in Charlie’s small living room, I’m stunned and relieved at what’s before me. Where there was a pool of paint and the remnants of our lovemaking last night, was now a pool of crimson blood, tangy in the air, mixing with the scent of paint.

Nona is standing to my right, shotgun hanging from her arm as though she’s holding her purse. As I pass her, I reach for her shoulder and squeeze reassuringly as she grimly smiles my way, comforted by my presence. I nod to the front door, urging her to leave, to get out of here before something happens to her. She can go back to Davey and wait for the authorities and most importantly, she will be safe and I won’t have to worry about her. I will be able to focus on Charlie.

Nona slinks from the house, taking the shotgun with her. I was almost tempted to grab it from her, but it won’t help us right now.

I approach Charlie slowly. She remains focused on the groaning, cussing asshole with a hole in his thigh.

“Charlie?” I hold my hands out; I don’t want to spook her. The gun in her hand makes her more dangerous than half the guys back in state pen.

She doesn’t look at me, her attention never straying from Paul, who is bleeding out over the dust sheet. I would be proud of her under different circumstances. Right now though, I’m just plain scared. I’m scared of many factors right now—scared I have lost Charlie, that’s she’s finally cracked from the shit life she’d been given. I’m scared that she’s going to go to prison for shooting her ex; if he dies she could go in for life, if she makes it in there. I’m scared to death, because despite any outcome from today, I have lost her. Charlie will never be the same again, she will never be the same sweet girl I fell in love with years ago, and she will never be the woman I longed her to be by my side. She will never feel the freedom I desperately wanted for her, and sacrificed everything for.