Roar (20 page)

I want to be invested… in everything. More importantly, I want to invest my feeling and life with Nate. The only way I know to do this is to start from the beginning and to
work
through my fears, for I have many. I’m certain this was not what Nate meant and definitely not what he wants, but it can’t be what he wants just yet. I need to do this for me, and he will understand. All Nate has ever wanted for me is to be happy. If I can find the happiness with myself, I know I can make him happy, too; we both will be happy.

I wipe my upper lip; my whole body is swathed with sweat, and it’s not just from the heat. My body’s reaction is a tell of panic and fear which is unrealistic, for there’s nothing to fear within these walls anymore. The air is thick with age and particles, yet I know that’s not the reason my chest feels tight, or why I’m light-headed. No, my body is fighting against my mind which screams for me to run. But I won’t run this time. I will never run from my past or Nate again. Not without a damn good fight.

I stride into the bathroom and open the window wide, then I do the same thing right through the whole house … except for his room. The door is closed on Daddy’s room and I stare at the door for a moment before I march on and begin to remove the dust sheets from the furniture, while processing all the memories they bring.

Within an hour, I have the house open and the dust-sheets rolled up and in the laundry. I’m saturated in gritty sweat staring out the kitchen window, which used to partially overlook the garage and the yard where our tree is. I don’t know what possesses me to go there yet because I know I’m not ready, but I’m heading out the back door and find myself stepping on the old slab of broken cement, just where the door used to be. There are no walls, no furnishings, nothing but the heat radiating from the manmade stone beneath my feet. And yet I see everything, the old radio, the camera on the tripod, Daddy’s chair where Nate and I lost our youth and innocence. I see everything just as it was, and then I see him. Daddy’s wide smile and deep, brown eyes gaze at me in such a different way when he’s in here. I never realized that until I was older, and then I would see it in my sleep and the dark.

The nightmares haven’t stopped, even after all these years and the distance from this place, from this town. But maybe if I face it head on I can finally find my way out of the dark and away from him.

Stepping back off the cement, I turn and yelp. “You scared the shit out of me.”

“Well you scared the shit out of me. I went back to the room, and you weren’t there. I swung back through town hoping you weren’t stupid enough to try and go back to Paul’s.”

“I wouldn’t ever do that. I can’t believe you think I would after last night.” I try to dodge Nate and go back into the house, but he blocks me.”

“I thought a lot of things and yet I still would never have put money on you coming back here.”

“And yet, here you are, blocking my way,” I retort.

His eyes are tight and his jaw ticking. He’s mad, and I don’t care. I need to do this, and maybe so does he.

“I actually thought you might have gone to Nona, then I saw you out here in a daze.”

“Oh.” I drop my heated gaze and close my eyes. I guess he knows what I was thinking; he probably hates this place as much as I do.

“I did it, you know,” he says. I don’t know what he means and he can see that, so he continues, “I burnt it down.”

I can’t help the gasp. It’s out of my chest, and mouth before I know it, and even though my hand covers my mouth, it too is too late. He strokes my arm and gently urges it down before taking my hand in his.

“I thought it would help. It didn’t, and I’m sorry.”

“No,” I breathe, shaking my head, “Don’t be sorry. I understand, and I don’t care that it’s gone. You found me here in a daze because burning it down didn’t work for me, either. I still see everything in here,” I say, tapping my temple. “Our battle isn’t with a building, it’s in us, and no burning or running can change that.”

Nate drags me into his arms and crushes me against his chest. He kisses my head over and over before I tilt my head up and feel his kisses on my damp cheek. I had begun to cry, and for the first time in a long time, they were not tears of pain or fear, but of elation for our first breakthrough together. Together we will fight this; together we will make it.

I convinced Nate into going back to work with the promise if I needed anything, I’d call him immediately. He’s coming here tonight, bringing takeout from The Bell
.
I can’t wait to see him again and for us to learn what’s going on in our lives and our plans. I think I have a few in an indeterminate state, though essentially, this is our beginning. The learning part, the dating, the dreaming of an actual future together filled with happiness minus the obstacle of a monster.

I decide to attack my old room first. With no paint, no supplies, and nothing to clean with, I realize I have no choice but to go to the store. I’m actually excited for this new adventure, and it feels amazing to believe I just might actually deserve it.

I grab my bag and jog to my car when I hear Nona calling out to me. I should have gone and seen her, tell her I was moving back in, but I was nervous I couldn’t make it. That’s changed now that I know I have Nate, that I accept and believe that all my fears and disgust can be fixed… I can be fixed.

“Hey, Nona,” I wave as she makes her way down the front yard, and I meet her half way.

“Staying?”

I grin because I know she has already spoken to Nate. It’s a miracle she hadn’t come over when she saw me arrive. She would have seen Nate come and go. I’d say as soon as he left she would have called him, not to be nosy, that’s not really her thing. She would have been itching to help, to hug, to be the caring Nona she had always been to her boys and to me.

“Okay, girlie. You caught me.” We laugh and hug. “He told me to leave you alone; I could’ve knocked some of them perfect teeth out if I wasn’t on the phone. Who in hell does he think he is tell’n his Nona what to do? But when I saw you leaving, I thought I’d make sure you were okay.”

“I’m doing much better. I didn’t think I would, and I definitely never thought I would feel it here, but somehow I’m breezing through it.”

She smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. I wonder why but don’t ask, something tells me I don’t really want to hear.

“Well,” I say, preparing her for my departure. “I got to go get supplies. Do you need me to pick anything up for you and Davey?”

“No,” she says patting my arm. “You go. We will catch up later.”

“Okay.” I kiss her cheek and smile with a twinge of shameful regret. I kinda wish she didn’t catch me on my way out now, and that’s a rotten thing to feel. I guess I just wish to stay in my bubble for a little longer. Instead, I get in my car with less bounce in my step, eying my mirror as I drive from Nona. She watches on, as though she knows something I don’t and that I’m not going to like it.

I push Nona to the back of my mind and make the short trip, firstly, to the hardware store. It, too, hasn’t changed all that much. I grab a cart and dart to the paint aisle, grabbing a tin of white. Anything is better than the pink in my room and the dull yellow that’s spread through the entire house. I grab two tins just in case. I know it won’t do every room, but it will be a start until I work out the color I want.

The cart soon fills with tools I need, and I head to the cashier, an older man with a big smile.

“Got a project, ma’am?”

I chuckle as I look at the contents, some of which I don’t know how to use or if I will need. “Yeah. My boyfriend is going to kill me when he gets home to find he’s up for painting.”

“He will be happy to help, I’m sure. Is he a local?”

I almost want to keep it to myself, and then I think, why do I have to? My demons are mine; no one else can see them. “Nathan Shaw.”

His eyes widen and his smile brightens. “Nathan? He brings a lot of business my way; I’m one of his suppliers.”

“Oh, good.” I begin to load it up on the counter when he holds his hand out for me to stop.

“No need, miss. I’ll get it all from here,” he says, and I realize what I miss most about this town compared to the city; people are so nice and willing to help. Going to big department stores is a prime example; dozens of worker bees and no help to be found. No, I like this much better. I note his shirt has his name embroidered upon the left side of his chest: Don.

“Thank you, Don.” He smiles again, and we begin the smiling dance, and it feels good to smile at strangers. I’m not sure if I ever had that before, but I like it.

“Okay, so all that adds up to one hundred and three dollars, and that’s with a small discount for putting up with Shaw.” We both chuckle, and I can see why Nate deals with him.

I pull my bank card out, and he runs it through for me when suddenly that smile I liked receiving turns to a frown and an awkward glance.

“Ah, it seems there’s something wrong with your card.”

“What?!” I know there’s money in there; I have a decent nest egg. I… “Can you try this card please.” I almost say, “Can you try this card, please,
Don
.” But I no longer feel that easy friendliness I had before the awkward stink between him, the counter, and me.

I hand him my credit card knowing I definitely have the credit in there, but the dread of what I’m thinking is suffocating. When Don cringes, I know I’m fucked.

“I’m sorry,” he mutters.

I shake my head. “No, it’s not your fault. I’ll go see the bank. I have an idea what’s happened.” I look at my cart filled with paint and things, feeling terrible. I have some cash, but if what I suspect is true, I’m going to need it for food and more important things. If I want to paint, Nona probably has some in the garage.

Like painting fucking matters, Charlie, goddamnit!

“I’ll have to go to the bank and sort this out which means leaving you to put all this back, I’m so sorry.” I don’t look back; I duck my head and beeline for the exit in embarrassment.

“Wait!” I turn back to find him bringing the cart toward me. “It’s a gift.”

“What? No. I can’t accept such a gift.” He’s a stranger and has to earn a living.

“Hush now. This is my place and when I was facing the downturn, your man helped me out. I hated charging you anyway. Please take it. No strings or anything, you don’t even have to tell Shaw. This is just something I want to do.”

“I want to pay you back then.”

He winks and shakes his head, “Then that wouldn’t be a gift, would it? That would be a loan, and I said no strings.” He rolls the cart out onto the sidewalk and eyes my car right in front. “Yours?”

“Yep,” I say trying to think of a way to repay him for his kindness, a kindness I have never received without a clause before.

“You grab the trunk and I’ll load.”

“Oh,” I run to the trunk and open it with a jittery hand. “Thanks.”

He smiles and loads my trunk up with my “gifts” and drops the lid before looking at me again, only now, he is sympathetic. He had said he had faced hard times, and I wonder if he recognizes that in me.

“Don’t worry, go sort the bank out, and if you need anything else for your project, come see me.”

“Thank you so much. You’ll never know how much I appreciate this.”

He laughs once. “I could say the same for Shaw. Don’t sweat it. Go enjoy your night with him, he too deserves it.”

I don’t know what I’m doing, but I hug him. I hug a complete stranger who has been kinder than anyone I have really met over the years. The kindness and generosity inspires and enlightens me that there are good people out there. I then step away and motion my head down the street to the bank. He nods and walks back into the store, and I down to sort out what Paul has done as a form of revenge.

I step into the cool building of the air-conditioned bank and dread what’s to come. I know it in my bones that this isn’t a bank error. I wish it was, but that’s not how my life rolls.

The bank is small, antique looking, and empty. I walk right up to the cue line where the teller calls, “Next please.”

Instantly I regret the earlier thought about small towns and how great they are, I forgot it also meant there were people with small minds, big chips on their shoulders, and old grudges they find impossible to let go. Molly Saber is a prime example. I can literally feel the disdain penetrating my pores from over the counter.

“Charlotte Barnes? I heard you had come back to town.” Her eyes are squinty as they CAT scan me for anything she can provoke me with. Well she may as well stop right there, because I’m about to hand her something to mock me with on a platter. I don’t doubt she will gossip with her friends about it, and by the end of the week, half the town will know.

“Yeah, I came back for work. So―”

“That’s not exactly what I hear.” She interrupts, pursing her lips. She makes me want to smack them. Instead, I sigh and gather my patience.

“That’s the problem when it comes to gossip, it’s just gossip.” Molly jerks like I actually made a difference with simple words. But I know her better than that, and I haven’t seen her since I was sixteen. She’s still a damn bitch. “I have a problem with my account, can you please look into why my cards were rejected when I tried to use them? Yesterday I knew at least one account was fine.”