Rock and Roll Never Forgets (The Rock and Roll Trilogy) (15 page)

“
You don’t approve,” Roddy said, sadly
.

She had to laugh. Roddy’
s face expressed displeasure in her reaction. She held up a hand, "Wait, Roddy, wait,” she said and regained her composure.
“
I am not laughing at you. I love you, I would never hurt you. It
’
s just that, well, I’m laughing because when I spoke to Andy last night he told me you were in love with
me
.”

“
He what?
”
Roddy asked, shocked.

“He did. Last night I told him you were coming here.” 

Suddenly, Roddy was laughing.
“
I do love you
,
Beth
, s
ince the very first time I met you, but I
’
m not
in love
with you, I
’
m gay. I thought you knew,
and I
assumed that Andy did!”

It was an enjoyable evening spent with a good friend. They finished both bottles of wine as Roddy told her about his new partner. Beth realized that she was very glad for his company. It had been a long time since anyone but family had been there and longer since she had laughed. He left close to midnight with a promise to talk to her soon. After he left, she realized how blessed she was to have his friendship.

~ ~ ~

Roddy left, happy for the time they had shared. He missed her more than he really knew. He left with a revelation as well. As he drove, he thought about the last few months. He realized that the ‘new, different Andy’ he had experienced recently was the man who had evolved from his loss. He was so lost without Beth that he lashed out at those closest to him. He felt tremendous sadness when it hit him.

Andy made a mistake. But he was having a harder time living with it than Roddy realized until the evening he spent with Beth. It saddened him that Andy allowed himself to get to that place, sadder for Beth because she loved him so much.

97

Rock and Roll Never Forgets

Chapter Thirteen

B
eth was sleeping soundly, and at 1:33 the phone rang. She didn
’
t answer it, she knew who it was. She let the answering machine pick up. First she heard the piano
and
sat up hugging her knees to her chest to listen, and then she heard Andy’s voice, singing.

Been to hell and back,

So sad, so true

You’re not here

Gotta get to you

He sang until the tape ran out, and then the phone rang again.

“
What?” she said as she lifted the receiver.

“How’
d you
know it was me?” he chuckled. “
Did you like the song? It came to me last night after you hung up on me.”

They talked for hours.

~ ~ ~

Beth had two days to get ready. Andy was coming on Friday evening. She needed to get her head straight, to think, and know her thoughts clearly. It had been months since she had seen him, and she was more nervous than the first time they were alone. She agreed to meet with him, to talk. They had to settle things, one way or another. They needed to do it. She didn
’
t know where the conversation would go, but she knew it was right to do
it
. It was time to figure out what came next, or get it over with and really move on.

She told Kimmy that Andy was coming, but no one else. She wanted her to know. She knew Kimmy would get it when no one in her family would, and she did. She needed to work it out; on her own, with Andy. It was important enough to her to find out why it broke
, a
nd to
know
if there was any chance to salvage their relationship.

Her family was always very protective of her. It would have been hard for them to move past the hurt and pain that Beth had experienced. Andy and Beth talked about it and agreed that he would come to the condo. She didn
’
t want to have to deal with anything, or anyone else. The whole situation was enough wonder and worry for her.

March 22, 1982 ~ As I waited, I paced, and paced, and paced. I was a nervous wreck, and as I planned and prepared for his arrival, it was more emotional planning, I didn
’
t do anything special. This wasn
’
t a social call, it was a meeting. I slipped on jeans and a t-shirt. I wasn
’
t going to make a big deal of his visit in any way.

When I heard the knock I took a deep breath, and tried to find some kind of composure, some kind of strength to mask the nerves that were running rampant… I went to the door and saw Andy through the peephole. I pulled a nervous hand through my hair and repeated to myself;
‘
Breathe Beth, breathe…
’
I wiped anxious, sweaty palms on my jeans and opened the door.

“
Hey,” she said as casually as she could. He swept in and leaned to kiss her.

‘
Just a kiss on the cheek
’
, he thought, but she stepped aside. He came in with a full shopping bag and Beth wondered how on earth he could get into a market and shop unnoticed. Knowing that, she appreciated the gesture
.

“Thanks for letting me come,” he said to her as he started to unload the bag. First he removed a bundle of Beth’s favorite Calla Lilies. She took them and found a vase as he continued to unpack the groceries; wine, cheese, crackers and fruit. He made himself at home, knowing where glasses were, cork screw, whatever he needed. He took the cheese and sliced some and put it on a plate with some grapes. Beth placed some crackers around the plate and took it to the living room and placed it on the coffee table. Still they did not talk.

Andy looked over his shoulder, to get a good look at her. She had lost too much weight, and it concerned him, but he said nothing. He poured them each some of the wine.
“
Merlot,” he said as he handed her a glass.

‘
Not his favorite, Chenin Blanc; Merlot, my favorite,
’
Beth thought
.

She thanked him, thinking he looked very tired. He’d pulled his hair in that ponytail that hung down his back, and he had on jeans and a tan pullover shirt. The color of the shirt only enhanced the color of his skin and eyes, making him look so beautiful to her that her heart skipped a beat. They moved from the kitchen to the living room. Andy chose his seat in the rocking chair, a safe place. That made it easier. There was still no conversation
.

He leaned forward finally, elbows on his knees, arms crossed, head bowed. He didn
’
t look at her, choosing instead, to focus on a spot on the floor that Beth couldn
’
t see as he said;
“
I
’
m sorry, Bethy.”

She sat and looked at him, quietly for a moment, then asked;
“
What for?”

He looked up.
“
I’m not sure,” his eyes met hers and she noticed again a weariness that wasn
’
t normal for him, that spark and vibrancy were missing. “I don
’
t know what happened. Midlife crisis?
”
he added with a weak chuckle and half-smile.

“
I think thirty-four might be a bit young to use that one,” she said.

             
There was a long silence again, although his eyes never left hers, and finally he asked,
“
You OK?”  

“
Yeah,” she replied too quickly, followed by a long pause. “I think I finally am. Trying to settle things in my mind, it has taken some time.” 

He got a cracker and some cheese, but it seemed he needed something in his hands more than his stomach.
“
I
’
m sorry,” he said again.
“
Do you hate me?” 

Beth thought a minute, took a sip of the wine, and hoped that the gesture would give her the courage to go on.
“
Not anymore,” she told him. Again his eyes and hers met.

He laughed a tired, sad laugh, looking away, focusing again on that imaginary spot on the floor. After a moment he said; “So you did.”

She sat the glass down, because she could feel her hands tremble. She looked at him, and replied, as calmly as she could,
“
Yeah, for a while, I did.” She could feel her insides begin to quiver, but she couldn’t let him know. ‘
Be strong Beth!
’
She repeated it to herself over and over in her mind.

Andy rose and walked to the window, he stood there a while looking out. Then he went to the sofa where she sat. He didn
’
t say anything; he just sat down there, beside her.

After a while he reached for her hand, but she jerked it away, crossing her arms across her chest as if it would keep her safe.
“
Bethy, I
’
m such an ass, can you forgive me?” he asked, it was almost a whisper
.

There was a long pause before she responded,
“
I don
’
t know Andy, it still hurts. A lot,” she added softly.

The clock on the wall ticked away the minutes. It was a soft ticking sound, there were no words spoken. And then, Andy Stevens did something she had never seen him do. He leaned back into the sofa, laid his head back, and cried.

She wasn
’
t sure how to react. His emotion was so real that she just let him cry. She wouldn’t. No matter what, she would not cry, she couldn’t. She couldn’t show that weakness, couldn’t let her guard down, or she would fall apart. It wasn
’
t gut-wrenching sobs, just tears, and when his tears were gone he rose, went into the bathroom and washed his face. He came back and sat down. The room was quiet for a long time. Beth got up and poured them some more wine. She thought they both needed it, she knew she did.

“
Thanks,
”
he said finally, breaking the long silence.
“I apologize. I think it’
s been a long time coming.” Beth still said nothing. She felt incredibly numb.
“
I screwed up, in a big way, and I don
’
t know if we can fix it. I hope we can.” He looked at her, but she didn’t acknowledge his comment, He wanted to reach out to her, he wanted to touch her, but he didn
’
t want to push her.
“
Say something Bethy, please. Your silence is killing me.” 

But she was too afraid.
“
I don
’
t know what to say Andy. I
’
m scared, terrified,” she finally said.

“
Me too.”

“
What the hell are you afraid of?” she asked, sharply, turning so that she was facing him. The tone of her own voice surprised her. There was a long quiet pause. Finally he looked, peered into her yes.

‘
Oh God, those eyes,
’
s
he thought, and had to look down.

“
I
’
m afraid you think we’re done, broken, and not worth another chance. I messed up. I let a good thing slip away because it scared me. We were good, really good, Bethy. It was comfortable and that scared me, and scared led to stupid. I panicked. I ran. I screwed up.” He paused, maybe to get the courage to continue.

“
When I saw Claire, ran into her in the bar that night, I don
’
t know what happened. We had a drink. We talked. I knew being with her wouldn
’
t be a good thing, it never was. It wouldn’t be permanent. It was an escape. She used me, I used her.” He stopped and looked away, ashamed. And then, “She was there and it was an easy out for me in a moment of panic.”

Beth took time to process what he told her.
“
Why did you panic? Why did you feel the need to escape?” she asked, in that whisper of a voice. “You could have talked to me, you should have. I deserved that. What did you want? Did you
want
me to be mad at you? To scream, or yell…? Or did you just want to hurt me? What did you want?” 

She got up, wine glass in hand, and paced, emotions she wasn
’
t ready for erupted from inside. Andy sat quietly, waiting, and then suddenly, in a loud, sharp voice she asked; “What the hell did you want?” When he didn’t answer, she asked again, louder; “What, Andy. What?” Still, he said nothing. “What do you want
now
?” she paused, trying unsuccessfully, to hold back the tears that had already started making their way down her cheeks. “Why are you here?” she asked, yelling now.

Finally he looked up at her, his eyes full of hurt and sadness, he said,
“
I want you…”

Three words. Plain and simple. That was all.
‘
I want you.
’
She heard them again in her head, and she broke. It came in a maddening flood. She laughed a sarcastic laugh and said,
“
You want me?”

She sat the wine glass down abruptly, sending wine spilling over the rim, then reached for the zipper on her jeans, and jerked to lower it. She ripped the t-shirt over her head, flinging it his direction. She never wore a bra, so she was bare to him. He rose, silently, picked up the shirt and walked toward her as she started to shimmy out of the jeans
.

“
Stop, please,” he said calmly.

Beth started to sob. She said she wouldn’t, but she did. It was the wine. It was the time. It was all the months of pent-up emotions that she had never really let loose. He held the shirt to her bare chest
.

“
Put this back on,” he said, tugging her jeans back up over her hips
.

She shouted, as she was striking out, hitting his chest, but he held her close as she did. “Isn’t this what you want?” 

“
No,” he said quietly,
“
not at all.”

Her body shook with sobs. She thought that she must have finally gone totally, completely mad. Andy pulled the shirt back over her head and she shoved him away. She went to the sofa, hurt, embarrassed and a million other emotions that overwhelmed her, and curled up and cried. Andy went to the kitchen and put the food away, put the cork back in the wine bottle and came back to where she was sitting
.