Rock My Heart (10 page)

Chapter Nine

Stray

I HAD TO admit by the time Cillian picked me up, I was beyond angry.

It might have had to do with what Talia had shown me but more than the photos were the deception and lies about what Kaz’s life was like. Everything became so clear and all the sudden, the puzzle pieces fit into place.

I understood now how he ended up with Keren and why they’d had such a volatile relationship. Talia couldn’t tell me much but that was okay; I had Cillian and I planned to make him tell me everything I wanted to know or he would be staying at the clubhouse or a hotel that night.

I was in a no-bullshit kind of mood and no one was going to ruin this for me. I needed to know the truth because if Kaz and I were going to make this right then I needed the whole truth and nothing but.

“How was your day with Tal?” Cillian wondered as he drove us back to the home I shared with Kaz.

“Pretty uneventful and girly until she showed me the photo album.” My eyes were cold but I couldn’t help the sheer feeling of betrayal.

I didn’t know Kaz at all and that is what hurt me the most. I’d spent all this time with a stranger.

“Oh, yeah…that.” Cillian sighed out loud. “If it’s any consolation, he didn’t tell you because he’s deeply ashamed and embarrassed about that time in his life. He was searching for a father figure because the man he was raised with certainly did a bang-up fucking job. How was he supposed to know that the worst thing about growing up with no father figure at all is growing up with a father like ours? Dizzy isn’t likely to win any ‘Father of the Year’ awards any time soon.”

“That’s bullshit, and we both know it. I didn’t grow up with my real father either. My grandfather was my father figure and I love him with all my heart. I was completely open and honest about my childhood and I only expected the same from him. I didn’t believe for one second he would drop little nuggets into my lap and then expect me to be happy with them. I couldn’t fathom talking to him right now because I don’t want to hear his excuses and lies.” I pulled my long blonde hair into a bun and decided I needed to make an appointment at the hairdresser. I needed at least three inches cut off.

“Well, to be fair…he didn’t lie to you—he simply omitted the truth.” Cillian pulled into the large garage and parked the Escalade. “I mean, did you really want to hear about the kind of crimes he committed while he was an LS member? Do you want to become an accessory after the fact when you two aren’t married and there isn’t anything in place to stop some lousy Fed from making you spill everything you know? He was doing you a favor and right now, you’re acting extremely fucking selfish about a situation you don’t know shit about.”

I got out of the car and felt slightly woozy on my feet before the nausea passed and I was able to walk inside the ostentatious mansion I now called my home.

This was my abode and I couldn’t just run back to my mother and grandfather because life hadn’t worked out the way I thought it would with my rock god.

I tried to think of what had me so on edge at that very moment before I grabbed a bottle of Evian out of the fridge and slammed it with my right foot.

“You know what irritates me?” I turned on Cillian who’d already poured himself a tumbler of Jack Daniels and glared at me intently with those crystal blue eyes. “You act like all of this is in his
past
. He
never
patched out, and he’s
still
a fucking gang member! How is that supposed to make me feel better about this situation?”

“First of all, darlin’, we’re a motorcycle club—we aren’t the Italian mafia, the Bloods or the Crips—”

“You’re talking semantics, Cillian, and don’t act like just because I’m blonde, I’m as dumb as a box of rocks. The Feds don’t recognize MCs because they are always up to illegal shit and don’t tell me I’m wrong. I know that Kaz has probably hurt and murdered people. I’m not an idiot. He has never left the life therefore your dad can get on the phone any goddamn time he feels like it and order him back to do a job.”

He shook his head before he swallowed half his whiskey. “Dizzy wouldn’t do that when Kaz is a rock star and makes tons of money. He sends us about a third of what the club makes in income per year. It would be stupid to bring him back into the fold and my father is
not
stupid.”

“Really? If your dad is so brilliant then why hasn’t he given Kaz his walking papers? This story could potentially ruin his career and we both know it. Why isn’t he free of this sordid and seedy lifestyle? And what are you really down here for? I swear to God if you say ‘club business’, I will fucking scream my head off.” My eyes looked away from his because I knew I had gone too far but I couldn’t be bothered at the moment.

“Fine. You want to know why I am really down here? I was curious about you and my fucking old lady was driving me insane. Gisela is breathing down my neck for me to be on my best behavior and it just occurred to me that I could do real time for this crime. I mean…life…I could be sentenced to life in prison. Hell, I could even get the death penalty and I…I couldn’t stay there any longer.”

He swallowed his Jack Daniels and poured himself another glass. “So, I’m trying to let it sink in because I can’t run. Me Da would kill me himself so I have no choice but to see this trial out but it hasn’t started. Next Monday, the Prosecution begins their case…the State of Nevada against Cillian Alastar Cox and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. So…yeah, I’m scared that these might be my last days of freedom.”

“Is that all?” I folded my arms against my breasts.

Cillian smiled and winked at me with those gorgeous crystal blue eyes which were brilliant against his brown hair, facial hair and lightly tanned skin. “Well, Kaz has a big mouth and when he told me he was engaged to this sweet blonde who’d never been with another man besides him, it definitely interested me to meet such a person.”

Men and their fucking dicks.

“Really?” I couldn’t help the smirk that formed on my face. “It kind of just happened. I am not some angel. I was a virgin because I’d never had sex before but it wasn’t because I hadn’t seen a cock or given a blow job. I’m no angel and yes, Kaz was my first but it was on
my
terms, not
his
.”

“Well, I just kind of thought that was a bit sad. I mean, you’re gonna marry a man and he’s the only man you’ve been with? You aren’t the least bit curious about what another man’s cock might feel like moving inside you?”

I rolled my eyes. “Of course I’m curious or you wouldn’t be staying here.”

Cillian’s look changed from somewhat seductive to shocked. “What do you mean?”

“Kaz isn’t sure he still wants to marry me.” I swallowed so loudly, I swore he could hear it. My arms dropped to my sides and I shrugged nonchalantly. “He left his engagement ring on the bureau before he left for Vegas. When I asked him about it, he was non-committal and at this point, I don’t know what he feels for me and it makes me want to punch something!”

I turned away from him and walked into the sitting room before my hands loosened my long hair and allowed it to flow freely.

The tears came whether I wanted them to and coupled with an anxiety attack that had me clutching my chest, I collapsed to the floor and began to sob.

I knew Cillian had followed me but I didn’t want his pity.

“Don’t fucking touch me and don’t tell me you know how I feel because you haven’t a fucking clue how it feels to love someone so much…you almost hate them at the same time. Kaz drives me fucking bat-shit crazy and I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I think everything happened too fast and I should have cheated on him and sampled other men. He gave me the opportunity early on in our relationship but I knew I would be fine with the same old cock for the rest of my life.”

I bunched my hands into fists and squeezed so hard, my nails dug into my palms. “I was a stupid fucking twenty-three year old who didn’t know shit and I hate that chick because she didn’t know
anything
about the
real
world and now look at the mess she’s caused. My fiancé isn’t sure he wants me and his half-brother is hitting on me in the middle of me falling the fuck apart and then I think…why I am crying? I’m beautiful and rich and plenty of men will still want me if we aren’t together. But…the truth is I’m not sure how well I would recover if Kaz wasn’t in my life.”

Cillian walked over and sat down across from me on the floor and I was vaguely reminded of an old movie my mother made me sit through called
Sixteen Candles
. It was from her wayward youth.

“You know my mom was only twenty-one when she had me because she thought she was in love and it cost her everything.” I finally looked into those mesmerizing blue eyes. “After I was born, she
knew
she’d been in love and although she still dates and has these great love affairs, my father broke her heart. She won’t ever fall in love with another man again and I don’t know if it’s a Scandinavian thing but…I inherited it. Kaz would be my one and only love. I will never love as deeply and passionately as I love him and I have come to terms with that but…I still think we can be saved. I’m a stupid bitch, aren’t I?”

“No, you’re not.” Cillian grabbed my hands and held them within his own. “Why would you even say something like that? Now that I have met you and know you aren’t some silly, airheaded cunt, I wanted to ask you what you saw in Kaz? I mean, I realize my brother is a rock star but he’s a first class asshole. He uses women and he disposes of them. So does Jaden and look at the pair of them—they have these great women and they are too fucking dumb to realize it.”

Tears fell down my cheeks I wanted to wipe them away. “How do you know Talia and I are so great? Maybe we deserve what we’re going through—”

“Listen, I may be a ‘biker’ and supposedly a grade-A prick but I know a good woman when I see one. I had a great one in high school and she was…she is my true love. I have been in love with her since she stared at me with those gorgeous amber brown eyes and asked me if the seat next to me was taken.” He smiled and his eyes took off a faraway look. “Her family was pretty notorious and she was late for class. She just rushed in and her cheeks were red from the cool air. She had this great complexion…not too dark, not too fair. Cascades of long, dark hair I used to run my fingers through. I knew I loved her before I knew what true love was but I was young and stupid and listened to my old man.”

“What happened to this great woman? The love of your life?”

Cillian laughed out loud. “Seriously? She’s my attorney. She’s dating some asshole who is respectable and everything I’m not. He’s not covered in tats and he isn’t a gang member because her father would kill her. Gisela looks at me as a client and that’s it. Basically, I’m a charity case so she can keep the peace between my father and hers. You see, her brother fucked up and got my sister pregnant.”