Rogue Countess (38 page)

Jude’s head dropped for a moment, and when he lifted his eyes to her again they were dark and sad with regret.

“Why didn’t you come to me? You had to have known what was being said, what you were being accused of. Why didn’t you declare your innocence in those days before the wedding?”

“My father made sure that wasn’t possible. I wasn’t let out of my bedroom except for those few wedding preparations that absolutely required my presence. And Father or Olivia was always with me.”

Anna shifted on the bed to face Jude more directly as he stood unyielding at the foot of the bed.

“Jude, please understand what it was like for me back then. In my entire sixteen years, I was given very little opportunity to learn to trust in my own strength and judgment. I was convinced with unrelenting criticism and manipulation that I would never do anything, have anything, be anything that went beyond the express wishes of my family.”

“Why? How could they justify such treatment?” Jude’s righteous anger was evident in the tightly uttered words.

Anna shrugged. It was a question she had never been able to answer, but she tried so he might better understand.

“My mother died giving birth to me. They both loved her very much and the loss devastated them. My father turned all of his focus upon Olivia. He obsessed over the drive to ensure that she was always happy. To both of them, I became a constant reminder of my mother’s death and the cause of it. They never got past it.”

“That is not natural, Anna,” Jude commented softly. “You know that, right? You understand you are not to blame for your mother’s death.”

The open and generous concern in Jude’s face made Anna uncomfortable. She was not accustomed to sympathy.

“Yes, intellectually, I do know that. But for so long, I didn’t believe I would ever be free of my mother’s ghost. Once I found out that I was to marry you, a part of me was thrilled beyond belief. It was my chance to escape the home that never had a place for me. I had no idea you were so resistant to the marriage until your mother told me after you had left.” Anna half-rose up on her knees, holding her hands out in supplication. “I swear to you, Jude, if I had known all of that I would have tried to do something. And I expected to have the chance to explain it all to you once I was away from my father’s house, once we were married.”

“But I never gave you the chance,” Jude added as a shadow of anger settled over his features. “You must have hated me for my callous treatment. You were just a child and I left you to face my family and an unknown future all alone.”

“I think I wanted to hate you,” Anna admitted. Shoring up her courage, she kept her gaze level with his. He had to know it all, no matter how difficult it was for her to admit. “I spent many years focusing on my hurt and anger. I allowed my pride to color everything I heard about you. But the truth is my life was better after our marriage. In a way, I was given a valuable opportunity to discover what I was capable of.”

“Did my father know you weren’t to blame for being compromised?”

“A few days after the wedding he did ask me what happened and I told him the truth, or as much of it as I understood at the time.”

Jude approached her then. When he stood in front of her, he reached out and trailed the back of his fingers down the side of her face. Anna remained unmoving as he traced her features. The delicate sensations of his touch caused goose bumps to rise on her skin. His eyes were full of regret and self-imposed shadows, but when she met his gaze the jolt of connection between them was bright and instantaneous.

She wet her lips and took a deep breath. “I have come to understand why you left, Jude, and really I cannot blame you for reacting as you did.”

Jude shook his head with rueful sadness and he framed her face gently between his hands. “I have never been more regretful of my behavior as I am for that self-righteous decision to leave you at Silverly that day. When I think about what you endured in your young life only to be discarded so callously…it ties my stomach in knots.”

The sober self-recrimination in his expression reached deeply into her soul and wrapped around her heart. Here was what she had always thought she wanted from him, a true understanding of how his actions had injured her. She had expected this moment to feel like a vindication of all the humiliation she’d ever experienced as the abandoned bride. But his obvious remorse only made her feel worse.

His hand dropped back to his side as Anna rose up, kneeling on the bed to bring herself more to Jude’s eye level. She lifted her hands to rest them on his broad shoulders and met his eyes with keen determination.

“Please don’t,” she urged. “More than enough time and focus has been wasted on the past. There is no going back. Trust me,” she said with a small twist to her lips. “I came by that realization the hard way. I only wish I had told you the truth weeks ago.”

“Yes, you should have,” Jude agreed as he settled his hands about her waist. “But you didn’t trust me to protect you, and I can accept that.”

His smile then was slow and confident and held a hint of mischief that immediately had Anna’s sensitive nerves at full attention.

“There is something else you should have told me weeks ago.”

She instinctively tried to retreat, but he tensed his hands around her waist, keeping her in place. She met his gently amused gaze.

He was going to make her say it again. She nearly groaned. There was no getting out of this now.

It wasn’t that she didn’t want to say it. She did. But it was not an easy thing to do when she had a chance to contemplate it. The sentiment had been held close and protected for so many years. To just say it, openly, freely, right to his face…

Her dismayed reluctance must have shown because after a moment Jude chuckled softly. He slid his hands around behind her back and drew her in to his body until her belly was flush with his and her breasts pressed to his chest. She lifted her arms to encircle his neck as warm joy spread through her limbs.

Joy and something more carnal.

His smile was easy and confident as he gazed down into her face.

“I suppose I should have expected this to be difficult for you,” he murmured. “Maybe I can make it easier and go first. I love you, Anna.”

Her heart came to a sudden and shocking stop as her mouth dropped open. Surely, she hadn’t heard him right? Her eyes flew across the details of his face, looking for evidence of falseness, but there was none.

“That’s not possible,” she whispered without thinking.

Jude laughed again and his arms tightened around her to the point where she couldn’t draw a full breath and feared she may faint. Or maybe it was the unbelievable wealth of emotion making her head spin.

“I assure you, it’s very possible and very true.” He sighed. “I have not allowed myself to be concerned for anyone else for a long time. But when Olivia stood in your study and pulled the pistol on me, the only thing I could think of was what I needed to do to keep you safe.” His voice lowered roughly. “And then when I regained consciousness to the disturbing image of you facing down that very weapon…”

His gaze was almost painful in its raw expression of emotion. It communicated to her in a way soft words couldn’t because it showed the exact fear she had known when she saw Olivia turning the gun on Jude as he wrestled with the coachman. All doubt fled from her heart then.

Unbelievably, he loved her. She felt giddy and light and wondered how she hadn’t started floating with the buoyant joy that filled her.

“I swear I wanted to strangle you for putting yourself in danger like that,” Jude admitted.

Though he looked at her with a noble stoicism that warmed her heart, Anna couldn’t suppress her wild happiness, and she grinned back at him with unabashed pleasure.

“Is that why you wouldn’t look me in the eye afterward? Why you retreated from me so harshly? You were angry because you feared for me?”

“I have never been so terrified in my life. Promise me you will never rush at a person holding a gun ever again.”

“I can’t promise that,” she said with bright honesty. “I would do it again in a heartbeat if it meant I might keep a bullet from flying your way.”

A growl rumbled from Jude’s chest.

“Foolish, brave, impossible woman,” he muttered just before he lowered his mouth to hers.

The smooth contours of his lips slid over hers gently, almost reverently. The kiss was sweet in its simplicity, but still managed to bring a flush to Anna’s skin and awaken a now familiar ache in her body. She roamed her hands over the smooth skin of his muscled back and darted her tongue out to tease at the seam of his lips.

He pulled back then with a quiet groan of regret as he cleared his throat.

“Hold on a moment. There is one more thing,” he explained and released her to turn away from the bed.

Anna admired the masculine strength of his body as he walked away from her. There was something so wonderfully hedonistic in the image of a fine-formed man wearing only the narrow swath of a white towel low around his hips.

Sitting back on her heels, Anna scowled in confusion when Jude reached the pile of clothes he had discarded on the chair.

He was getting dressed? She was hoping things would go in the other direction.

She tried to be patient as he fumbled with his coat for a few minutes before turning to face her with his hands behind his back.

“You remember I mentioned earlier that I had a confession to make.”

Anna nodded. He had mentioned something about that, but she couldn’t imagine for the life of her what he might have to confess. Her anxious gaze followed him as he approached the bed. She leaned to the side, trying to see what he held behind his back. When he turned in reaction, keeping his hands out of sight, she tilted her head back and gave him her fiercest frown.

She did not do well with surprises. She hated the anticipation of knowing something was about to happen, but not knowing what it was or whether or not she would like it. She much preferred to have all the information up front.

“What is this about?” Anna pressed.

He smiled at her impatience, but his firm gaze indicated he would not be rushed.

Jude sat down next to her on the bed and reached out to cup her face in his hands. Without a word, he drew her forward and kissed her. This time opening to the play of tongues and teeth. Anna threaded her fingers through the pale curls at the back of his neck, holding him to her. It was not long before she was breathless with the need to get closer to him, to have more of him.

She would have shifted then to bring her body more fully in contact with his, but he chose that moment to pull back. His hands fell to her shoulders and he held her away from him so he could look into her face.

“I want you to be my wife,” he said then.

Anna blinked.

“I don’t want an annulment or a divorce or a separation of any kind,” he continued. “That day when you agreed to end our marriage, I know you expected me to take the necessary steps to see it done.” He swallowed. “But I didn’t.”

“That is your confession?” Anna asked, biting her lip against the amusement that threatened to bubble forth. She could see how important it was to him to be up front about the minor deception.

“Yes. When it came down to it, I wasn’t prepared to end things between us as they were. And now,” he whispered, his eyes darkening as he tensed, “I want you to be my wife. In every way.”

Anna smiled then, all anxiety and awkwardness fleeing in the face of his obvious and tentative hope.

“Jude, I love you more than I ever thought possible. I would be thrilled to truly be your wife.”

Jude released a pent-up breath and grinned back at her as he drew her sideways into his lap. “Then there is just one last thing,” he said as he reached behind his back and brought forth a small wooden box. He flipped open the lid to reveal the stunning Blackbourne jewels.

The necklace and matching earrings were traditionally reserved as the first family heirloom to be handed down to a new bride on her wedding day. The necklace was comprised of three large blue-black sapphires surrounded by a delicate array of sparkling diamonds and was set in the center of a double strand of precious pearls. The earrings each had a sapphire of matching depth and were set in a similar pattern with more diamonds and pearls.

Anna held her breath. She had seen the jewels only once before.

Helena had come to her one night before an important dinner party after Anna had been living at Silverly for more than two years. Helena had set the open jewel box in front of her on the dressing table, muttering something about it being a disgrace that she was a grown woman with no jewels.

She remembered how she had looked down at the breathtaking sapphires and, rather than seeing their beauty and their meaning, she had seen how the blue of the jewels resembled the color of Jude’s eyes and she had shoved the box aside with silent and stubborn pride.

“May I?” Jude asked now as he lifted the necklace from the velvet lining of the box.

The low timbre of his voice made her acutely aware of just how significant this moment was to both of them. She held herself still as he settled the necklace against her throat and fixed the clasp behind her neck. The pearls were smooth and warm against her skin, and the weight of the jewels echoed the sudden heavy warmth that flowed through her body.