Roll Against Regret (3d20) (4 page)

I parked next to Carter’s car, in the guest parking lot, and made my way toward Jackson’s apartment. The rest of the work day had been more of what the morning offered, but at least the tension wasn’t as high with Carter. By the time five rolled around, only the occasional stumble interrupted us. I’d been halfway out the door, when Mark called me back and asked me to finish some last-minute tasks. I told Carter to go without me, and ended up spending the next hour on more of Mark’s bullshit tasks. I hadn’t even bothered to go home and change, so I still wore my blouse and skirt.

I walked into Jackson’s apartment without knocking. I didn’t have a key, but he left the door unlocked on nights he knew I was coming over.

Carter had already staked out a spot on the floor near the far window, and his laptop sat on the coffee table. He’d had a chance to change into something more comfortable. He looked like that had always been his spot, as he leaned back with one leg propped up, wrist resting on his knee. He flashed me a warm smile. “Are you following me?”

Jackson stepped between us, wrapped an arm around my waist, and pressed his lips to mine. He held me tight, entire frame pressing against me. My pulse soared, and the gesture chased away more of the day. I sighed and rested my forehead against his, after we broke the kiss.

“Coworkers, huh?” Jackson let me go, but I wrapped myself in the lingering comfort of his greeting.

“Better.” I looked at Carter, who was staring at his laptop, not doing anything. “Did you tell him the rest of it?”

Carter’s head flew up. “Uh, no. I thought I’d let you do the honors.”

“Thanks.” I stuck my tongue out at him. I was going to keep this casual and fun, regardless of what it took. “He’s being groomed to be my replacement.”

Jackson clenched his jaw, and a growl rumbled from his chest. “You know Mark can’t do this.”

“I know he’s got a lot more influence and pull than me, so I’d better have actual proof for accusing him of trying to push me out, before I pursue any complaints.” It was an old disagreement—one I didn’t expect would go away until either Mark or I quit. “Besides, the guy I’m training is nice. He feels bad about it. And there’s nothing we can do tonight, so let’s play.”

Jackson nodded to the chair against the wall, where I usually sat. “Plug in. We’re already on.”

I woke my computer up, and stopped halfway to plugging my headset in. Right. I didn’t need to do that. As with the night before, in the coffee shop, it didn’t take long for the conversation to shift to the familiar banter we were used to online. Even though we started our game clients, none of us made it past the character login screens.

At some point during the conversation, we logged off the game one by one, and closed our machines. Apparently, half the time we were only playing to talk to Dark. Now that he was in the room with us, we could eliminate the middle-man.

I relocated to sit next to Jackson on the couch, Carter took my spot in the easy chair, and still the conversation stayed light and fun. At some point my eyes drooped shut, and I snapped my head back up with a jolt.

“Still a morning person?” Carter asked, sympathy in his eyes.

“Especially when we keep her up too late, too many nights in a row.” Jackson tucked a loose strand of hair out of my face. “Go to bed, Pixie.”

I shook my head. “I’m good here a little longer.” A yawn threatened to split my jaw. “But I might lie down.”

Jackson patted his leg, and I shifted so my head rested on his thigh, my legs tucked up behind me. I risked a look at Carter, worried he might be wearing that same almost-sad expression I’d seen too many times in the last day, but he was still smiling, looking fine with the whole thing. Good. It would be fine. Everything would be fine.

I struggled to keep up with the conversation, but the small part of my brain that was still conscious knew I wasn’t grasping any of what was being said.

The next thing I was aware of was a sharp pain in my neck, and the discomfort of prying open dry, tired eyes.

“Hey. Welcome back.” Jackson helped me sit up.

I stretched my shoulders and struggled to grasp the world around me again. Carter and Jackson still sat in the same spots, but something was off about their postures. The clock on the wall told me I’d only been out about an hour. “What did I miss?”

“Nothing.” Jackson’s answer came too quickly. Or my brain was moving too slowly. “Random shit. Guy stuff.”

No, there was definitely something off about his tone. “What does that even mean? Guy stuff?”

“We were talking about you,” Carter said.

My gut twisted. Why did I assume that was bad? “Because I was snoring?”

“No.” Jackson’s laugh was forced.

Carter started. “Because he thinks you didn’t—”

“Don’t.” A heavy warning hung in Jackson’s voice.

My uneasiness grew, and I shifted my weight enough to look at Jackson. “Don’t what?”

“Nothing.”

“No. That’s bullshit.” I wouldn’t have delved too far into questions, but even half-awake, I knew Jackson didn’t close off like this. “You don’t think I what?”

Jackson narrowed his eyes, and directed the glare at Carter. “Not what we agreed to.”

“No secrets, dude.” Carter’s satisfaction was tinged with an uneasiness I didn’t expect.

Jackson turned his attention back to me, and his expression softened. “I know you still care about him. That despite what you say, there are still regrets.”

Wherever this was going wasn’t right. “We’re dealing. He’s still a friend, and we can make it work.”

Jackson’s smile didn’t reach his eyes. “I don’t want you to have to do that. I promised you this relationship was as much about exploring your wants and needs as it was mine. If that’s Carter, then that’s the way it is. It’ll hurt like hell, but I’ll let you go.”

A giant void grew inside, aching and gnawing at my every nerve. “What? You’d give me up just like that? For a random guy you barely know and a situation you’ve only just touched the edge of?”

“No. Not just like that.” Jackson trailed his thumb over my cheek. “I’ll be honest—it’ll all but kill me to let you go. But you have to do this for you.”

“Fuck you.” I spat the words, hiding my hurt under venom, and summoning rage to burn away the ache in my bones. “I mean, oh yay, how sweet of the two of you to decide what it’s okay for me to do. At least you did it while I was in the room, even if I was passed out. But you know what? That’s my decision. Not yours. I made my choices; I live with them. And even though you’re seriously making me waver on one of them right now, you and I are together unless our reason for splitting is us, not some random third party.”

“But it’s not that easy”—A raw edge crept into Jackson’s voice—“because I don’t think you want to get over him.”

The reality of his words sank in. It was easier for me to ignore what I felt for Carter when he wasn’t in my life, but with him right in front of me… Jackson was right, and I hated him for knowing that about me. Even more, I hated myself for not wanting to admit it. “You don’t get to say that.”

“Why not?” Carter cut in. “It was okay for you to do it to me five years ago, but not for him to do it now?”

“It’s not okay.” I whirled on him. Tears stung my eyes, and I blinked them back. “It was stupid of me then. It’s stupid of him now.”

“You know that, but you don’t want to take it back?” Jackson asked.

Holy fuck, why were they teaming up on me? I struggled to keep my thoughts afloat amid the turmoil flooding my heart. I wasn’t going to deal with this. I stood and backed away from Jackson. “You know what? Fuck you both. You can stay here and fight or negotiate or fuck or whatever, as long as I’m not the bargaining chip. I’m going home.”

I had my hand on the doorknob when someone grabbed my arm. I recognized the control in the grip before I registered Carter’s face as he spun me toward him, so my shoulder was to the door and Jackson was behind me. “That didn’t go the way it was supposed to. I’m sorry,” Carter said.

Tears tinged my vision. I dragged my hand across my face, and the friction burned my cheeks. “How exactly is something like that supposed to go? ‘Hey babe, I love you, but bye’?”

Carter’s laugh was bitter. “Stings, doesn’t it?”

I shook my head and jerked out of his grasp. “I’m leaving.”

He didn’t reach for me again, but his voice was enough to make me pause. “Talk this through with us.”

I sniffled and summoned the last of my composure. “I’m sorry about all those years ago. I really, really am. I loved you completely, and yeah, it hurt like hell to make a decision that stupid. But I’m not that person any more. I’ve dealt with my past. I’m with Jackson now. He helped me shed so much of what held me back, he pushes me more toward that every day, and I like to think I give him something in return. He wasn’t the impetus for my changing, though; I would have done that regardless. He just gave me the safety I needed to let it happen. Don’t you dare take that away from me.”

I didn’t dare look behind me. Couldn’t stand to meet Jackson’s gaze, after a speech like that. So I kept my attention on Carter. He was the guy I was pushing out.

“I get it,” Carter said. “I can tell you’re happy together. And I know you do the same for him that he does for you, because he told me. I’m not trying to… Okay, that’s a lie. I was trying a little to break you up. It doesn’t matter how good you are together—it doesn’t stop me from missing you. But I meant it earlier, that I can put that behind me. I’m bummed I never got to see this kinkier, less reserved side of you.”

“Pixie.” Jackson’s voice sank into the cracks in my frustration, and soothed me in a way I didn’t want. “Do you remember what I asked you about, a few nights ago?”

The question summoned memories I didn’t want just now. Arousal. Desire. Diving into Jackson’s fantasy about me being with another man. I struggled to draw a breath amid the conflicting emotions. I didn’t know if I was more turned on or pissed off that he’d bring that up now, of all times.

“Are you still interested?” Carter asked.

I pursed my lips. I wanted to grab onto more betrayal, but it was sliding away behind want. “He told you.”

Carter shrugged. “Jackson’s more comfortable sharing his fantasies with me than you are.”

Jackson’s hands rested on my hips, the heat from his touch melting more of my frustration. “What if that was actually an option? You and Carter get another chance. Not at
you
, but at a no-strings version of what you never got.”

This was so ridiculous, I didn’t know why I was still there. It certainly wasn’t because part of me clung to the suggestion. “It’s not no-strings, because of this entire conversation we just had. Were the two of you listening? How did we go from the me-choosing-and-everyone-understanding bullshit to no-strings sex?”

“Guy stuff?” Carter suggested.

“He wasn’t supposed to lead with that.” Jackson tightened his grip enough his fingers dug into my hips. I tried not to dwell on the possessiveness in the gesture, but I needed the reassurance. It was the one thing I expected in this mess. “That was supposed to be a plan B, to make sure you had an out, in case you didn’t go for the first idea.”

“That’s ridiculous. You’re both insane.” I poured emphasis into the words, as much to reinforce the notion in my head as anything.

Carter traced a finger over my ear. “Is that a no? You’re not interested?”

Damn them.

“It is ridiculous”—Jackson’s breath was hot against the back of my neck—“but the entire situation is completely, implausibly ludicrous.”

“It’s a bad idea.” Fantasy and memories of both men weakened my resolve with each passing minute, nudging aside my reasons for arguing.

Carter trailed his finger along my jaw and over my bottom lip. “It’s closure. I don’t expect you to come back to me, after. It’s really fucking obvious where your heart is.” He swallowed. “This is only sex. If our only regret is we never got to try this, now’s our chance.”

There was so much more to the situation than that, but if I kept arguing, I’d lose the chance. Saying yes would come with new baggage, but not a lot more than what already existed. The tension was already there, between Carter and me. And if I said no, I’d hate myself for it. “All right.”

“You’re sure?” Jackson trailed his lips along the back of my neck.

I wasn’t, but when he pulled me closer and his erection dug into my butt cheek, the remainder of my hesitation slunk away behind how much I wanted this.

“I’m sure.”

Jackson nipped at my ear with his teeth. “I love you,” he whispered.

His hands still rested at my hips, when Carter closed the distance between us, captured my face between his hands, and crushed his mouth to mine. Reason evaporated, and I groaned against his mouth. Cool air met my back. Carter slid one hand up, to tangle his fingers in my hair, and tugged my head back. His teeth scraped along my throat, to the soft spot where my shoulder met my neck. The day’s worth of stubble on his chin and cheek left a delicious burn on my skin. I dug my fingers into his chest when he sucked and bit at the sensitive skin, marking me.

He dragged his gaze back to mine, and held my head captive. A wicked smirk had replaced his casual smile, and my heart hammered against my ribs.

“God, I missed the way you yield.” Carter claimed my mouth again.

He slid his hand down my arm, intertwined his fingers with mine, and led me toward the bedroom. He stopped me in the middle of the room, a foot or so from the bed, and stepped in front of me again. I registered Jackson sinking into a chair in the corner, and the sound of a zipper sliding down.

I expected the sight to make me hesitate, but a new surge of desire rushed through me when Jackson worked his cock free and wrapped his fist around it.

Carter raked his gaze over me, devouring me even though I still had all my clothes on. I shivered under his attention, as anticipation built inside. He rested his palms on my neck, and then moved lower, his caress gentle on my skin. He reached the collar of my shirt and grabbed both sides. He yanked hard and ripped my shirt open, sending buttons clattering everywhere and my pulse screaming through my veins. My senses flared at his attention, nipples straining against lace and wetness growing between my legs.

“Fuck,” Jackson muttered.

Carter stepped in and wrapped an arm around my waist. “Getting there.” Gravel lined his voice.

I managed to find my voice. “That was silk. And expensive.”

“I’ll replace it.” Any of the negotiation that had been in Carter’s voice earlier was gone.

And, Elders, I wanted him to own me for the night.

He shoved up one bra cup, forcing elastic over my already pert nipple, and then dragged a calloused thumb across the hard nub.

I reached for him. Something to grab. Needing to touch more of him.

“No.” His single word stopped me. “Hands to yourself. This is my game tonight.”

I dropped my arms back to my sides. “What am I supposed to do, then?”

He massaged my breast, as he lowered his mouth and sucked hard on the sensitive flesh. Pleasure spiked through me at the rough handling, and I leaned into him. He pulled away and blew on the damp skin. The combination of cold and hot drew a gasp from me.

Carter looked me in the eye. “If I do my job, you’re supposed to enjoy yourself as much as I’m about to.”