Romance (8 page)

DEFENDANT:
No.

DEFENSE
ATTORNEY
:
No.

PROSECUTOR:
No indeed.

JUDGE:
Or, because they sometimes, uh, uh, uh, uh, they sometimes …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
… Everybody needs to “blow off steam” …

JUDGE:
But because, uh, uh …
{Pause)

PROSECUTOR:
Because of their “contributions.”

JUDGE:
Boy you've got it there …

DEFENDANT:
That's for sure.

BAILIFF:
I love the integrity of their native textiles.
(Pause)

(A murmur of general agreement))

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
And the teachings of these wonderful people …

JUDGE:
Uh huh …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Consist, as I have said, in a message of Peace.

JUDGE:
You're goddamn right they do. But what does it mean, when little children have to go to sleep every night, in garments which are too tight, revealing the various curves of their body to anybody with the least little bit of curiosity?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your Honor …

JUDGE:
… would you address yourself to that?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your Honor, we can bring Peace to the Middle East.
(Pause)

JUDGE:
I
S
this a “test” ?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
N
O
, Your Honor. It's true.

JUDGE:
H
OW
you gonna do it?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
My client believes that the imbalance in their countries, as reflected in their leaders, can be rectified by a readjustment of…

JUDGE:
Y
OU
want to bring Peace to the Mddle East.

DEFENDANT:
Yes, Your Honor.

JUDGE:
Whoa. Whoa. That's a big one. And I would
hate
to be the guy who stood in your way. Those two, what, benighted Peoples, warring… the Curse of War brought upon them by … uh … How seldom is it given to us? To bind the wounds—not only of the widow, but the orphan, those little tykes …
(Weeps)
May I have a hanky?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your Honor.

JUDGE:
N
O
, no, okay! You wanna go lay your plan for Peace, at the feet of those warring powers—

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
N
O
, Your Honor, we want to manipulate their neck.

JUDGE:
Sounds good to
me.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your Honor, then yes, only, if you would release us …

JUDGE:
By Jove, I
will then.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Bless you, Your …

JUDGE:
Watch
thisl (To
BAILIFF)
Order a car. I want a police car and escort to take these two gentlemen to present their petition to the Peace Conference. And now: By the power vested in me, yes to exercise compassion, it gives me great pleasure, to, as per my judicial prerogative, and for the purposes of world peace, to release the …

B
ERNARD:
(Enters with a large suitcase. Unable to see, he addresses the air squinting)
YOU LYING SWINE. I HAVE BEEN WAITING AT
YO UR
MOTHER'S FOR THE LAST FIVE HOURS. THE QUICHE IS COLD, THE CAPRESE SALAD'S HOT, SHE AND I HAVE, AS YOU KNOW, NOTHING IN COMMON SAVE OUR HISTORY OF BABYING
YOU
, YOU DECEITFUL, FORGETFUL, FAT, SLOVENLY…

JUDGE:
… who is he talking to … ?

B
ERNARD:
… UNGRATEFUL …

JUDGE:
… ‘cause, if he's talking to me, that's contempt.

BERNARD: …
OLD …

JUDGE:
I'm
sure
of that…

B
ERNARD:
WHERE
IS
HE? WHERE
IS
HE?

PROSECUTOR:
Put your contacts in.

B
ERNARD:
Where
is
he?

PROSECUTOR:
Put your contacts in.

B
ERNARD:
I cannot “put my contacts in” as I have been weeping a river of tears and they will not “go” in.

PROSECUTOR:
Bunny …

JUDGE:
Did you say you wanted to “crick their
neck”}

B
ERNARD:
And now I'm weeping in front of your friends. Perhaps you'd introduce me …

PROSECUTOR:
I …

B
ERNARD:
… or are you ashamed of me … ? You ashamed of me in front of your Straight Friends? “Oh, Honey … did you
come
yet…?”

JUDGE:
What's wrong with asking that?

B
ERNARD:
… if you have to
ask …

JUDGE:
I always thought it was
polite …

B
ERNARD:
Of course you did.
(To
PROSECUTOR)
And you might ask: What is this?
This
is a
suitcase.
What's in it, you wonder …

PROSECUTOR:
Bernard …

B
ERNARD:
Oooh, our
life
together … oh …

PROSECUTOR:
Bernard …

B
ERNARD:
You wouldn't even take my
call…

PROSECUTOR:
I'm trying a
case.

B
ERNARD:
Oh, bullshit.

PROSECUTOR:
I'm trying a
case, can't you see that:

B
ERNARD:
Don't you use that tone with me.

PROSECUTOR:
Buns.

B
ERNARD:
Don't you “Buns” me, you … you … words fail me … 7 don't know. You try to be a
helpmate.
You try to Care … you hope there is a God. Who sees you … who?
{He dissolves in tears. Pause)

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your Honor. There exists, today only, the, perhaps the last best hope to bring Peace to the Middle East. My client and I, though of Different Faiths …

B
ERNARD:
OH, FUCK
YOU.
HOW CAN YOU HAVE PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST WHEN YOU CAN'T HAVE PEACE IN YOUR
HOME
… ?

JUDGE:
… you know, you're right…

B
ERNARD:
(Pointing at
PROSECUTOR)
Tell
him
that. Tell him. He's the one that should be on Trial…

PROSECUTOR:
… Bunny…

B
ERNARD:
He
abused
me, he was
cruel
to me, and then, when I went home to
mother
, what was his responsibility?

JUDGE
and
DEFENDANT
and
DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
To come after you.

B
ERNARD:
You're goddamn
right
to COME AFTER ME, which is the one,
inviolable
law.

JUDGE:
He's right.

B
ERNARD:
In anticipation of which, I made a quiche, a
quiche
offering. When
he
was in the wrong.

JUDGE:
Huh.

B
ERNARD:
AND IT'S
HIS
GODDAMN
MOTHER.

(All mumble.)

JUDGE:
(TO
PROSECUTOR)
That's some fella you've got yourself then …

B
ERNARD:
I want to make a complaint: Your Honor …

JUDGE:
This is the most irregular …

B
ERNARD:
I ACCUSE …
(Holds up the legal pad he has pulled from his suitcase)

JUDGE:
… but-what-the-hell…

B
ERNARD:
I ACCUSE THATMAN
OF
…(He consults his legal pad.)

PROSECUTOR:
Bunny, I'm trying to
work
here …

B
ERNARD:
… of boorishness.
(Peers at the pad)

PROSECUTOR:
Bun …

B
ERNARD:
… I'm not done … And a lack of sensitivity.

JUDGE:
(TO
PROSECUTOR)
If this is true, you have a
lot
to answer for …

PROSECUTOR:
Your Honor …

JUDGE:
T
O
have the love of a fine young man …

B
ERNARD:
Thank you, Your Honor …

JUDGE:
And to … what?
What
did he do … ?

B
ERNARD:
He ruined the ROASTING PAN.
(Takes roasting pan from suitcase. Puts it on bench)

JUDGE:
… this pan is fine.

B
ERNARD:
He ruined the
roast
… I cleaned it with baking soda. He ruined our evening; and he
revealed
to me the essential emptiness, not only of
our
life, but of
my
life …
(He cries)

JUDGE:
… come up here …

B
ERNARD:
No, NO, I don't deserve affection.

JUDGE:
… sssshhhhhhh …

B
ERNARD:
I deserve
nothing …
that's why… time after time …

JUDGE:
Hush …

B
ERNARD:
What am I? A hot water bottle … a Trick with his name on the lease …
(Weeps)

JUDGE:
Sshhh. Nothing's that bad …

B
ERNARD:
Time after time … Huh. Can I pick ‘em … Your Honor?

BAILIFF:
Y
OU
mustn't blame yourself.

JUDGE:
Listen
to the man.

B
ERNARD:
Cook, clean, understand when he's too tired to Make Love …

JUDGE:
Sshhh.

B
ERNARD:
And who is it, takes care of his mother?
(Pause, cries some more)

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Wait—… excuse me, are they a Bunch of Fags … ?

B
ERNARD:
Why why, why,
why
Can't There Be Peace … ?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
… are they
queer}
Is that the punch line … ?

(BERNARD
WeepS.)

JUDGE:
There, there, little fella …

B
ERNARD:
… all I ever wanted was to make a
home …
for some
man.

JUDGE:
Sshhh …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
(Generally) These
guys are queer as a v-neck sweater …

B
ERNARD:
… wash his
clothes …
each year, the waistband on his shorts gets bigger. Do
I
complain … ?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
(TO
HIMSELF) …
they're a Bunch of
Fags…

PROSECUTOR:
Objection.

(BERNARD
WeepS.)

JUDGE:
I had a dream the other night. Of a clean land, untroubled by pollution. Untroubled by strife. With liberty and with compassion for
all
its citizens. A land administered by people of good faith and self-respect, which stood as an Example To The Nations. Which reached out to them. And stilled
their torment with aid: with food, with medicine, with love and understanding.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
… Your Honor …

JUDGE:
And then this Big Fat Fucking
Dinosaur
came by and
stomped
everybody into moosh.
{Pause)

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
… Your Honor …

JUDGE:
I think he came from Japan.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
There exists …

JUDGE:
I
believe
his size was the result of nuclear testing.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
The possibility of bringing Peace to the Middle East.

JUDGE:
But I don't remember how the dinosaur got there in the first place.

PROSECUTOR:
He was a lizard, begging Your Honor's pardon, from the Pet Shop.

JUDGE:
… what was he doing in my dream?

PROSECUTOR:
It wasn't a dream, it was a movie.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
… Your Honor …

JUDGE:
It was a
movie}

PROSECUTOR:
Yes, Your Honor.

JUDGE:
I
S
it hot in here, or is it just me?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your Honor: As we speak, two great World Leaders, as we speak, are engaged in this historic conference. Have met, in Good Faith, we believe. To attempt to settle the strife in the Middle East. We have devised a plan, which we feel, if it could be represented to them, would bring about that blessed result.

PROSECUTOR:
And what
is
this plan?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
(TO
DEFENDANT)
Tell them,
(DEFENDANT
mumbles)
… go on …
(DEFENDANT
mumbles. A pause)
Your Honor, my client believes, and has demonstrated to me, how a simple readjustment of that which very well may prove to be the fifth lumbar vertebra, may, THROUGH A DECREASE IN THE SUBDURAL MFFMFF, RESTORE MENTAL BALANCE TO THE LEADERS AND, through them, to the populace of the Mddle East.

PROSECUTOR:
Your Honor, the case before this court…

JUDGE:
I know the case before this court. What do you think I am, Deaf? I'm not deaf.
(To
BAILIFF)
I'm not
deaf am I, because then I couldn't hear myself.
(To self)
Mooooo … Mooo … Mooo …

BAILIFF:
Your Honor, I've taken the liberty of asking a physician …

JUDGE:
The
question
is: Was Shakespeare a Jew?