Romance (4 page)

DEFENDANT:
… wait one moment…

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Trying, trying, somehow to …

DEFENDANT:
I'm paying you …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
… a
pittance
, For what I go through? Forced to sit
next
to you, you SICK FUCK, day-after-day,
supporting
you; nodding at your infantile hypocrisies. This sick Talmudic, Jewish …
{Pause)
Ohmigod.

DEFENDANT:
Aha.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
I… I… I must,
most
humbly,
Most
humbly.
Beg.
Your forgiveness. My speech has run away with me, I… I was to take my son, my son Tommy. To the Church Youth Hockey game today, and it is. A
particularly
anxious time. As, as I am divorced, I see him seldom. And these outings, and the time we spend together. Are
precious
to us, and I am somewhat distraught. At the
probability
that I will be late, and, and I can but most sincerely Beg Your Pardon.
{Pause)

DEFENDANT:
I accept your apology.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Thank you. That is gracious and generous of you.

DEFENDANT:
I understand your anxiety.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Thank you.

DEFENDANT:
I know that you are a religious man …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
… yes, I am …

DEFENDANT:
… that you're taking your son to a Church Function …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
… the Youth Hockey game …

DEFENDANT:
… and that if you arrived late …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
… yes …

DEFENDANT:
… you might have trouble, getting the Priest's dick out of your son's ass.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Y
OU
fucken kike, you sick,
sick …

DEFENDANT:
… fuck you.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Christkilling Jew, Cocksucking
bastard …

BAILIFF:
… you fellas want lunch?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
(TO
BAILIFF)
Fuck you, too. Fuck you, too. Fuck the Lot of you.

BAILIFF:
… uh …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
I'm done, I'm gone, I've been nixed.

DEFENDANT:
Y
OU
are
fired. I say you're fired, and you walk out on me …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Fuck you …

DEFENDANT:
Oh, oh, who's weak, now?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Fuck you. Call me a
liar …

DEFENDANT:
I
S
it upset, that I used One Little Word?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Y
OU
fucking kike.

DEFENDANT:
Oh, Bad Man's called him a Hypocrite …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Y
OU
you you you you you you're the fucken hypocrite …

DEFENDANT:
Am
I… ?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
You're fucken “well-told right you are, who who who, and who has to suffer for you?”
{Pause)
Uh?

DEFENDANT:
Oh?
You?

BAILIFF:
{Looking at paper and holding a pencil)…
prehistoric fish …

DEFENDANT:
Oh—who suffers for my sins … ! “Who gave his Only Begotten Son …” ?
{Pause)

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
What is that supp …

BAILIFF:
… prehistoric fish … ten letters …

DEFENDANT:
Y
OU
know what that means.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
N
O.
I'm not sure that I do.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
N
O.
I'm not at all sure that I do.

DEFENDANT:
Fuck you.

BAILIFF:
Prehistoric fish. Ten letters.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
I
S
, that, do I take that to mean … ?

DEFENDANT:
Fuck you.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Fuck me? Fuck
you
, you Rug Merchant, Greasy, Hooknosed,
no-dici
, Christkilling, son-of-a-bitch sacrilegious …

BAILIFF:
The judge says …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Fuck the Judge, and fuck
you
, and, and
you
, you mocky, sheeny ror£sucker … when I've missed taking Little Tommy to Church Youth Hockey, because I'm stuck in here listening to your sniveling, sick …

DEFENDANT:
Oh, Oh, Little Tommy, again? Limping, when he comes home from communion, does he … ?

(Pause)

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
I hope, I hope that the Arabs. Rise in their droves, and drive your people into the sea. Killing the children. Raping their wives and burning down all traces of your two-thousand-year-long sacrilege.

DEFENDANT:
Fuck you.

BAILIFF:
… you having lunch … ?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
And, if there
is
a God. And there is, who died for us, who suffered for Mankind, who lives today, and hears all, I pray to that God to hear my plea …

BAILIFF:
They're having meat loaf today …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
… that you, your family, your race …

BAILIFF:
… on the steam table …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
… I heard you. And that every sperm, seed, trace, artifact…

DEFENDANT:
If you would be ONE BILLIONTH as persuasive Out There …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Fuck you. I'm fired, and you're screwed. Because you're going to prison. Prison. Do you hear? Because the man who (and I am that man) who stood the
remotest
chance of saving your worthless Jew self, the one man …

DEFENDANT:
… if you had a fucking clue …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
I don't need a clue. I don't NEED a clue. I
needed you
to stay off the stand, to …

DEFENDANT:
Submit…

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Yes. Submit. At the dentist, do you say, “They're my teeth: Let me help” ? YOU NEED TO SUBMIT.

DEFENDANT:
SUBMIT … SUBMIT SUBMIT SUBMIT SUBMIT SUBMIT. God forgive me, what have I done? I hired a Goy lawyer! It's like going to a straight hairdresser. And now he wants me to SUBMIT. You fucken brain-dead, white socks, country club, plaid pants, Campbell's soup fucken
sheigetz
Goy. Submit. That's fine. Take the example of Your Lord.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
… there I must insist you stop …

DEFENDANT:
Your fairy tale … oooh, they rolled the stone away from the cave …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
… I've warned you …

DEFENDANT:
While the porridge cooled …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
I'm not warning you again …

DEFENDANT:
Oh. What will you do? Hitch up your pants and kill every Jew in Europe?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
… it's what you deserve …

DEFENDANT:
Hitch up your leather pants and gas everybody?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
… a pogrom …

DEFENDANT:
My very presence here. MY VERY PRESENCE HERE IS A POGROM …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
… there it is …

DEFENDANT:
A pogrom …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
… you people can't order a cheese sandwich …

DEFENDANT:
Fuck you.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
… without mentioning the Holocaust.

DEFENDANT:
My people do not
eat
cheese sandwiches.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Oh. Oh, what? It isn't “kosher” … ?

DEFENDANT:
IT ISN'T
TASTY. TASTY.
You mindless Nazi Fuck. IT DOESN'T
TASTE
GOOD, AND SO WE DON'T
EATYT.

DEFENSE
ATTORNEY
:
IS THAT SO?

DEFENDANT:
Yes. Yes. We eat Christian
Children.
We bake them in
pies
, just like you have been saying these two thousand years. Your whole dolt, Catholic …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
… I'm Episcopalian …

DEFENDANT:
And what the fuck is
that}
A Catholic with a Volvo …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Oh, that's charming.

DEFENDANT:
G
O
back to the Country Club. Drink, fuck each other's wives, and increase the defense budget. Fuck you.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
… what's wrong with the defense budget?
{Pause)

DEFENDANT:
What's
wrong
… ? What's wrong with the
defense
budget? Are you
serious}

BAILIFF:
Y
OU
want lunch?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
What's
wrong}
Yes—with the Defense Budget, which, among other things, keeps the Israelis and the, the, the, Duly-Constituted Palestinian …

DEFENDANT:
I'll
give
you the Palestinians … I'll…

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Oh. What are they? “Hanky-Heads” ?

DEFENDANT:
… no …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Savages, who don't deserve …

DEFENDANT:
N
O.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
“Sand-Negroes” … ?

BAILIFF:
Y
OU
fellas want lunch?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
I don't want lunch.

BAILIFF:
Y
OU
might want to eat. Going to be a long afternoon.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
I'm not hungry.

BAILIFF:
I was you, I'd eat. What do you eat?

DEFENDANT:
What do you mean?

BAILIFF:
I mean “what do you eat?”

DEFENDANT:
I eat “food.” What do you mean?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
He meant, is there anything you don't eat?

DEFENDANT:
There's lots of things that I eat. If they're food I eat them. Why do you ask?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
He asked out of politeness, because you're Jewish.

DEFENDANT:
H
OW
would he know that?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
You've been shouting “goy cock-sucker” for an hour. What did he think it was? “Self-loathing” ?

BAILIFF:
Y
OU
fellas see the parade?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
… shouting like some
rug
bazaar …

DEFENDANT:
… what does that mean?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
A rug bazaar.

DEFENDANT:
What does that mean, I know what you said, what does it mean?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
It means, it means, my friend …

DEFENDANT:
Don't start in with that.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
With what?

DEFENDANT:
With the Jew thing: “my friend.” You Goy Flunky. Yes, I come from a Rug Bazaar. Yes. I'm a
kike; yes, I'm a sheeny Jew. I come from the Casbah. I come from the Middle East. Two thousand years ago, when we killed your Lord. That's me. A hooknosed greasy Jew, who would prefer the good, clean logic of a Rug …

DEFENSE
ATTORNEY
:
… if …

DEFENDANT:
Shut up … of a Rug Bazaar … where each has something … to …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY: If …

DEFENDANT:
Y
OU
fucken brain-dead, child molester thief
goy
monsters, and you tell me Justice? You know what true Justice is?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
N
O
, please tell me.

DEFENDANT:
It is the Rug Bazaar.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Ah ha …

DEFENDANT:
Y
OU
want to solve the evils of the world? You want to know how? By reducing the discussion, to a Simple Human Need. Instead of screaming at Me, Standing Me Up in front of the Prosecutor of Judea … and, by the way, he was Jewish …

DEFENSE
ATTORNEY
:
Who?

DEFENDANT:
Christ.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Christ Jesus? Yes. He was a Jew. Yes. I affirm that.

DEFENDANT:
Sporting of you.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
N
O
, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of listening to you malign my faith.

DEFENDANT:
Fuck you.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
From a chiropractor? From a “chiropractor” … ?

DEFENDANT:
My profession, sir …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
And now I've missed the hockey game …

DEFENDANT:
My profession, sir …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
… fuck your profession …

DEFENDANT:
… was alleviating suffering when doctors dwelt in caves.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Through rubbing people's feet…

DEFENDANT:
N
O
, actually, through realignment, of the

spine …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Oh, bullshit.

DEFENDANT:
… realignment of the spine, excuse me, yes, which, even in the most obstinate cases …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Oh,
please …

DEFENDANT:
… brings about reversal of disease, well-
being
, right
thinking
, mental equilibrium, and … ohmigod …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
What?

DEFENDANT:
OHMIGOD.