Romantically Challenged (30 page)

“If the wait’s not too long,” Joe chimed in. “But it looks like it is. So maybe we should try someplace else.”

“That would probably be best.” I spotted Steve and Kaitlyn leaving the bookstore and added, “There’s my date. I should go.”

Joe turned and followed my gaze. “Isn’t that your friend Kaitlyn?”

I couldn’t believe he remembered her. “Yeah, she tagged along with us tonight.” I waived to Kaitlyn, who waved back and whispered something to Steve. When they reached the three of us, Steve put his arm around my shoulder and gave it a squeeze.

“Hi, honey,” Steve said. “Did you miss me?”

“More than you could imagine,” I replied. At that moment I could’ve kissed him and Kaitlyn.

When I arrived home Saturday night I had a message from Marty. He said he was back from his ski trip and was wondering if we could get together that night. If only I’d checked my messages earlier in the day.

The Beginning of the End

I played phone tag with Marty for the next three days. When we finally spoke he said he wanted to tell me all about his ski trip over dinner. He promised that both he and his stories would be much more entertaining over a bottle of wine. I suspected he was right.

We made plans for Saturday night. Since he was a good friend of Todd’s, I thought it was safe to have him pick me up at my house. Besides, I wanted to ride in the Porsche. Even if we only lasted one date, at least I’d have that.

* * *

The next afternoon I was in Simone’s office discussing a fraud case we were both working on when my assistant Lucy stuck her head in the door. “Your mother’s on the phone. She didn’t want to leave a message.”

If my mother was calling me at the office in the middle of the week then there had to be a problem. I just hoped it wasn’t serious. I went back to my office, closed the door, and picked up the receiver.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you joined a dating service,” my mother said.

“What?”

“And you might’ve mentioned when I spoke to you on Sunday that you were going to be on TV. I’m your mother, Julia, didn’t you think I’d want to know?”

“Mom, what are you talking about?”

“What am I talking about? Your interview on
Hollywood Tonight
!”

This was not happening. Someone please tell me this was not happening. It had to be a bad dream. Kaitlyn swore
Hollywood Tonight
wouldn’t run the story. That there was no story to run. I’d even recorded the show for a few days, just in case. But it had been over a week. I thought I was in the clear.

I noticed that my mother was still talking and heard my sister’s name. “You mean Deborah saw it too?”

“Yes, Julia. I just told you, she’s the one that saw it first and called your father and I. You know we don’t watch those celebrity gossip shows.”

“Tell me exactly what they said in the story.”

“I don’t know about the rest of it. We only caught the last few minutes.”

“Then just tell me what they said in the last few minutes.”

“Don’t yell at me, Julia. I’m still your mother and I don’t appreciate your tone.”

I took a deep breath and counted to five, backwards. “Okay Mom, I’m sorry. You just caught me by surprise here.”

“You mean you didn’t know you were going to be on TV?”

Duh! “No Mom, I didn’t.”

“Can they do that?”

“Apparently they can. Now will you please just tell me what they said.”

“Well, like I told you, we only caught the last part. You told the reporter that you’d dated twenty-five men in the last six months and that you were romantically challenged.”

“I’m not romantically challenged!”

“That’s not what you said on TV. You have to admit, Julia, twenty-five men in six months is a lot. That’s one a week.”

“It wasn’t twenty-five different men, it was twenty-five dates. It was probably only ten men.”

“Still, I hope you’re being careful.”

Careful? “What do you mean careful?”

“You know,” she said and lowered her voice. “It’s not just about pregnancy anymore. These days you have to worry about diseases too.”

I’m thirty-two years old and now she wants to give me the sex talk! “I didn’t sleep with them, Mother, I just dated them.”

“I didn’t say you did. But I’m sure you will someday and I just want you to be prepared.”

“I didn’t say I was a virgin. I just didn’t sleep with any of those men. But I promise, if I ever have sex again I’ll use protection.”

“I’m not telling you not to have sex, I just—“

“Listen Mom, I gotta go. I’ll call you back later.”

“Wait a minute,” she said and put the phone down before I could hang up. I could hear my father’s voice in the background shouting over Alex Trebek from
Jeopardy
. My mother picked up the receiver a few seconds later. “Your father just checked the
TV Guide
.
Hollywood Tonight
is on again at one in the morning. He wants to know if you want him to tape it for you.”

“No! Do not tape it.” I could just imagine us all watching it together at the next family gathering.

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

“All right. If you change your mind, you can always get a copy from your sister. I know she recorded it to DVD.”

Just shoot me.

Hooray For Hollywood

I hid in my office for the rest of the afternoon and left work early to make sure I was home in time to catch
Hollywood Tonight
. As soon as I heard the
Hooray for Hollywood
theme song, I planted my butt in the living room chair across from the television and determined not to move for the next half hour, not even during the commercials.

I watched celebrity interviews from the red carpet at last night’s movie premiere, found out who was sleeping with whom, who was marrying whom, who was divorcing whom, and who was going into and out of rehab. My story was last. It came right after the troubled love life of the latest “It” girl.

The screen filled with a shot of former male model turned host, Rod Light, sitting at the anchor desk. “And it’s not just celebrities who have problems with their love lives,” Rod said. “As every single woman in America knows, it’s not easy finding the right man. Rebecca.”

The camera cut to co-host and former beauty queen, Rebecca Quinn, standing in front of a matte painting of the Hollywood sign with the words REEL LIFE sprawled across it in red letters. “That’s right, Rod,” Rebecca said. “The search for love affects us all. For more on a growing trend, we go to our newest on-the-spot correspondent, Molly Truitt, for this week’s ‘Reel Life’ story. Welcome aboard Molly.”

The screen showed Molly Truitt standing in front of a Starbucks. “Thanks Rebecca,” Molly said. “Times may change, but the search for love continues. In this week’s ‘Reel Life’ story we focus on a disturbing trend in America, romantically challenged singles.”

The camera panned the crowd at the outdoor tables while Molly’s voice-over continued. “Coffee houses like these across the nation have become the spot of choice for first dates. But are we dating too much? Have we forsaken true love in our quest for the perfect mate?”

The camera returned to Molly, who walked over to a couple drinking coffee at a table for two. The woman was a beautiful redhead in her mid-thirties. She was much better looking than the man sitting across from her with the receding hairline. Although he actually looked a little familiar. Could I have dated him?

Molly introduced herself to the couple who gave their names as Eric and Susan. “Is this your first date?” Molly asked Eric.

“Yes, it is,” Eric said and smiled into the camera.

“Going well?” Molly asked.

“Very well,” Eric said. “I’m very pleased.”

Molly placed the microphone in front of Susan. “How about you, Susan? Do you think it’s going well?”

The very uncomfortable looking Susan responded, “It’s going fine.”

Molly stayed on Susan, “Would you say that most of your first dates take place at coffee houses?”

“Sometimes,” Susan said. “More often I meet the man at a restaurant for lunch or dinner. But Eric wanted to meet for coffee first, so that’s why we’re here.”

Molly turned back to Eric. “Why coffee, Eric? Why not take your date out for a fabulous dinner and sweep her off her feet?”

“If I’d met Susan in person,” Eric said, “then I probably would’ve suggested dinner. Until recently, I always took a woman to dinner on a first date. But when I started going on blind dates and meeting people on the internet, I switched to coffee. There’s no sense sitting through an entire meal with someone you’re not attracted to.”

Molly turned back to Susan. “Do you agree?”

“Sure,” Susan said. “No sense wasting time and money on someone who might turn out to be a dog.”

Molly raised her eyebrows. She hadn’t missed Susan’s sarcasm, but Eric evidently had. He continued smiling into the camera.

“How did the two of you meet?” Molly asked.

Susan said, “blind date,” at the same time Eric said, “on the internet.” The camera panned down to Susan kicking Eric under the table. “I mean blind date,” Eric said. “I met my last girlfriend on the internet.”

“Do you do a lot of dating?” Molly asked Eric.

“Yeah,” he said. “I usually go out with two or three women a month.”

Susan choked on her coffee.

“How about you, Susan?” Molly asked. “How many men do you date in a typical month?”

“About the same,” Susan said.

“And do either of you see this as a problem?” Molly asked.

“No,” both Susan and Eric responded in unison. “I’m going to keep dating until I meet the right person,” Susan added. “No matter how long it takes.”

“I agree,” Eric said. “I’m thirty-six years old and I have no intention of settling. I’ll date for as long as it takes to meet Ms. Right.”

The camera cut to a close-up of Molly wearing an earnest expression. “And that’s the problem,” Molly said. “In our quest for the perfect mate, we’ve become a nation of romantically challenged serial daters, which sometimes leads to disastrous results.”

The camera cut to a shot of the complaint form I’d filed in small claims court. “These court documents obtained by
Hollywood Tonight
reveal one such story.”

The camera then cut to a shot of me walking down the hallway. “Local entertainment attorney and self-proclaimed romantically challenged single, Julia Burns, was so desperate to meet Mr. Right that she paid a company called Just A Date $300 for an introduction. When Just A Date didn’t deliver, Burns sued.”

The camera cut to Molly asking me, “Do you feel vindicated by this judgment,” and me ignoring her. Molly’s voice-over continued. “Burns is savvy enough to win her lawsuit, but still won’t admit that it’s her desperation which has led her down this jagged path.”     

The camera then cut to me saying, “I’m not desperate, I’m just romantically challenged. I’ve got plenty of dates, with or without Just A Date.”

Then it cut to Molly asking, “How many dates?”

Then it cut to me replying, “Twenty-five dates in the last six months.”

Then it cut to Molly standing in the hallway. “Like most romantically challenged singles, Burns dates three, four, even five men a month in her constant quest for the perfect man. When asked why, Burns just gets defensive.”

The camera cut to me asking, “What are you, my mother?”

Then it cut back to Molly standing in front of the courthouse. “No, Ms. Burns, we’re not your mother. But we certainly hope your mother’s watching and gets you the help you need. This is Molly Truitt reporting from West Los Angeles for
Hollywood Tonight
.”

The screen switched back to Rod and Rebecca at the anchor desk in the studio. “Thanks, Molly,” Rebecca said, “for that insightful report.” The camera zoomed in for a close-up on Rebecca who added, “If you’re romantically challenged or know someone who is, please log onto our website for a list of licensed therapists that can help.”

The theme music began to swell and I shut the television.

“My life is over, Elmo.”

Then the phone rang.

Out Of The Woodwork

I picked up the phone on the third ring.

“Oh my God!” Kaitlyn said. “Did you see it? You were on television.”

“Yes, and I haven’t forgotten you’re the one who told me my life wasn’t interesting enough for national TV.”

“That was before I knew you were a romantically challenged serial dater.”

“I was joking!”

“I know. But you have to admit, it was a pretty flimsy story.”

“Is that why you called? To tell me my life story is flimsy?”

“No, I called to tell you that this is a good thing. You looked great and you’ll probably get tons more dates out of this.”

“I doubt that.”

“Don’t be so negative,” she said as my call waiting started beeping. I told Kaitlyn I’d call her later and clicked over to the other line.

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you were going to be on
Hollywood Tonight
,” Simone shouted in my ear.

When I explained what really happened, Simone told me I should sue.

“Do you really think I have a case?”

“No, but it would probably make you feel better.”

“I sued Just A Date to make myself feel better, and look where that got me.”

The call waiting clicked in again. I left Simone on hold and clicked over to the other line. This time it was Greg.

“It’s America’s favorite romantically challenged serial dater,” Greg said. “Can I get your autograph?”

“Drop dead,” I told him and clicked back over to Simone. “That was Greg.”

“Did he see it?” Simone asked.

“Yup. He’s already calling me America’s favorite romantically challenged serial dater.”

She laughed.

“I’m glad you’re all so amused.”

“You’ll be too, in time.”

“I doubt that.”

The call waiting clicked in again. This time it was my Aunt Rose. I hadn’t spoken to her since my cousin Sharon’s wedding.