RoomHate (27 page)

“I never knew you did that with her.” I walked around the room, admiring the transformation. “Where is all your stuff?”

“I broke down my bed, threw it in the corner of my office for now.”

Something about his vacating the bedroom and turning it over to Bea suddenly seemed so final and didn’t sit right with me. I started to read into the meaning and overreacted.

My heart started to pound in panic. “You’re not coming back.” I hadn’t meant to say it out loud.

“What?”

“You gave up your room because you know you’re not coming back here. You’ll go away, become a big star. You’ll visit, but deep down, you know you won’t be living here anymore.”

It was like all of my insecurities suddenly had a voice. I really hadn’t meant to lay everything out on the line like that. It all just came out after a long, stressful day.

Justin was speechless at first. When he finally spoke, his tone bordered on angry. “That’s what you think?”

“I don’t know. I guess I’m just thinking out loud.”

“I made this nursery because she shouldn’t be sleeping in your fucking room. She deserves a nice space of her own. I was planning this long before I ever knew about the tour. I gradually collected this stuff over the past month, hid everything in my closet.” He reached into the bureau drawer for a pile of receipts, took them out and roughly threw them up in the air. The white slips rained down onto the floor. “Look at the dates on these. They’re from weeks ago.”

I felt really stupid. “I’m sorry. I’ve just been stressed over your leaving. I was trying not to let it show, and I guess it finally caught up with me.”

“You think I’m trying to separate myself from you? You’re the one who put up a gigantic wall the second I told you about the tour. If I had my way, I would want nothing more than to sleep in
your
fucking bed tonight—inside of you—because I’m leaving in less than two days. Two days, Amelia! Instead of enjoying each other, you’ve been shutting me out. I’m respecting your wishes and not pushing anything because I know my leaving is hard enough for you, but fuck!”

Feeling ashamed, I said, “I’m sorry for overreacting. I made this about more than the nursery. The room is beautiful. Really.”

“I’m gonna go check on the food.” Justin placed Bea in her crib and abruptly left the room, slamming the door behind him. I looked up at the stars on the ceiling, deeply regretting my loss of composure. The sound machine had switched to a medley of thunder and lightning. It was a fitting representation of the mood.

Dinner was a quiet one that night.

With no permanent bedroom anymore, Justin slept on the couch.

I didn’t sleep at all.

***

Justin would be gone tomorrow.

I needed to fix things before he left, or I would regret it. Bea was quietly napping in her new nursery, so I figured I would take the opportunity to talk to him.

Justin’s mountain of black luggage was piled together in the corner of his office. The sight of that alone gave me anxiety.

As I made my way down the hall, the sound of him beating the punching bag could be heard coming from the exercise room.

Standing in the doorway, I watched as he hit the bag with more force than I’d ever seen him exhibit before. Justin was completely in a zone and either hadn’t noticed me or pretended not to.

“Justin.”

He didn’t stop. It was unclear whether he could hear me, since he was wearing earbuds. I could hear the music blasting through them.

“Justin,” I repeated louder.

He continued to ignore me as he hit the bag even harder.

“Justin!” I screamed.

This time he looked over at me briefly, but he didn’t stop punching. That confirmed that he was
definitely
ignoring me.

Determined not to run away from this situation no matter how painful, I stayed in the doorway watching him for several minutes until he finally stopped. Leaning against the punching bag and gripping it, he looked down at the floor while gasping for air but said nothing. After a long moment of silence, he finally spoke.

“I’m losing you, and I haven’t even left yet.” He turned to me. “This tour is not worth that.”

“You have to go. You’re not losing me. I just don’t know how to handle it.”

A stream of sweat trickled down the length of his glistening chest as he walked toward me but stopped short of touching me. The smell of his skin mixed with cologne served as a reminder as to just how much I was kidding myself when it came to my ability to steer away from him sexually.

“It’s understandable. Completely understandable,” he said.

“What is?”

“All of your worries…I would feel the same if you were the one going on a tour. That scene is no joke. I get why you’re scared.”

It didn’t exactly comfort me to know that he felt my worry was founded.

He continued, “It’s not that you don’t trust me now, but you think that environment will somehow change me, make me want different things than I want now.”

“Yes. That’s exactly right. If you understand my fear, then why are you so angry at me for it?”

“It’s more like…frustrated. Everything is happening so fast, and I’m running out of time to fix this before I leave. We have to trust that what we’ve been working toward is worth more than all of the crazy shit that life might throw at us in the next five months. I’m also scared, because I don’t ever want to let you or Bea down.” The look of fear in his eyes was unprecedented, and the uncertainty in them made me uneasy.

“Let me down?”

“Yes. Bea is getting attached to me. While she won’t remember these past several months, she’s only getting older and will start to understand more as time passes. This isn’t a game. I know that. I would rather die than hurt her.”

Even though he wasn’t saying it in so many words, I took his statement to mean that he still wasn’t sure if he wanted a child, which in turn meant he might have been unsure about us. It pained me to know that he still held doubts, given how phenomenal he was with Bea.

And with me.

This tour was forcing Justin to do something he never would have done otherwise; it was forcing him to leave us, to step back and reflect on the responsibility he unknowingly walked into the day he decided to come to Newport one month early last summer, expecting an empty house. He certainly got way more than he ever bargained for that day. He’d been our rock ever since. Even though I didn’t want to lose him, he needed this separation to figure out what he truly wanted.

I knew that I truly wanted
him
. I also knew that I loved him enough to let him go. I vowed not to push guilt any longer.

This tour was a blessing in disguise, because it would give him the space to determine what was really meant to be. I certainly didn’t want Bea to get any more attached to him if we weren’t strong enough to survive this. It was more important now to protect her heart than my own.

I reluctantly admitted my realization to him. “Maybe this time away is necessary. It will help you realize what you really want out of life.”

He surprised me when he admitted, “I think you’re right.”

His agreeing with me caused my stomach to drop a bit. At the same time, I vowed to be strong, to let fate take its course. I wouldn’t act stupidly and sabotage anything one way or the other, because I loved him. So much. I wanted the best for him, wanted him to be happy even if that didn’t involve Bea and me.

The universe had already shown that it had plans for me, ones that were beyond my control. Bea was proof of that. I had to trust that something bigger than us was at the helm and that this latest challenge had a purpose. The only thing I was sure of was that it would either tear us apart or make us stronger than ever.

At the end of five months, I’d have my answer.

***

It rained that entire day.

As if Bea could sense that something was off, she refused to sleep in her new crib that night. It made me think that it was quite possible that babies had a sixth sense. Ever since Justin had redone the nursery, she loved sleeping in there and watching the stars. But tonight—Justin’s last night—Bea only quieted in the safety of my arms. Intuition, maybe. So, I let her lie next to me in my bed, even though, like me, she couldn’t fall asleep.

The closer it got to midnight, the more melancholy I became as insomnia continued to win out.

Justin’s knock was light. “Amelia, are you awake?”

“Yeah. Come in.”

He entered and lay down on my bed next to us, repositioning the covers. “I can’t sleep.”

“Are you nervous?” I asked.

“Scared as hell is more like it.”

“About what in particular?”

He let out a single sarcastic laugh. “Everything. I’m scared to leave you alone, scared she won’t remember me…scared she
will
remember me—remember that I left. I’m scared to perform in front of thousands of people, scared to fuck up. You name it. I’m worried about it.”

“You shouldn’t be worried about performing. You’re gonna knock ‘em dead.”

Ignoring my assurance, he took Bea from next to me and placed her on his chest. Her breathing started to even out.

It broke my heart when he softly kissed her head and whispered in her ear, “I’m sorry, Bumblebee.”

My mood had been all over the place throughout the day, alternating between feeling sorry for myself and Bea, to feeling proud and excited for him. In this particular intimate moment, I felt compelled not as his lover—but as his friend—to help him understand that he deserved this opportunity that he’d worked his entire life for. He had nothing to be sorry for. That was how I knew I truly loved him, because in the eleventh hour, all I wanted was to take away his guilt and make him feel good, regardless of how much his leaving hurt.

“Nana would be so proud of you, Justin. She always used to tell me that she believed you were destined for greatness. When you go out there, don’t even think about how many people are watching, just sing for her, sing to Nana…do this for her.”

“She’d be pleased with how you turned out, too, Patch…all you’ve undertaken. The mother you’ve become despite how shitty your own mother was. Nana would be so damn proud.
I’m
so damn proud.”

With Bea now fast asleep on his chest, Justin leaned in to kiss me. He began to devour my mouth, firm but tenderly. We kissed for several minutes, careful not to wake Bea.

He spoke into my mouth, “I want to make love to you so badly right now. But at the same time, I get why you think that would make tomorrow even harder. I don’t know if I could ever walk out of here after that.”

“I don’t think Bea would allow it right now anyway. She looks too comfortable.”

He looked down at her and smiled. “You’re probably right.” He turned to me, his blue eyes luminescent in the darkness. “Promise me a few things.”

“Okay.”

“Promise me that we’ll video chat at least every other day.”

“Sure. That’ll be easy.”

“Promise me that if you get lonely, you’ll call me any time—day or night.”

“I will. What else?”

“Promise me that we won’t keep anything important from each other and that we’ll always be honest with each other.”

That one made me feel a little queasy as I started pondering what things he anticipated having to be honest with me about.

“Okay. I promise.” I swallowed. “Anything else?”

“No. I just want to sleep next to you and Bea tonight. Is that okay?”

“Of course.” I took his hand. “It’s going to be okay, Justin. We’ll be okay.”

He smiled and whispered, “Yeah.”

Justin placed Bea between the two of us. As she lay in the middle, Justin and I looked into each other’s eyes until sleep finally claimed us.

***

When I woke up the next morning, panic hit me for a brief moment because Justin was gone from the bed. Looking at the clock, I calmed down, realizing it was only 9AM. He wasn’t scheduled to leave until around noon.

The smell of his signature coffee brewing wafted up the stairwell and immediately made me sad. It would be the last time I would smell his coffee fusion for a long time.

Feeling my eyes getting watery, I took my sweet time before going downstairs, hoping to regain my composure before then. I did some mindless things: cleaned the bedroom, threw a load of laundry in, anything than to have him see me break down. Bea was watching me from her Exersaucer as I ran around my room like a maniac.

Justin walked in as I was vacuuming my rug. I wouldn’t look up at him as I moved the vacuum back and forth.

“Amelia.”

I pushed it along the carpet faster.

“Amelia!” he yelled.

I finally looked at him. He must have seen the sadness in my eyes because his expression slowly darkened. I just stared at him as the vacuum continued to run, even though I’d stopped moving it. A teardrop fell down my cheek, and I knew I had officially lost my ability to hide my feelings.