RoomHate (23 page)

“Take care of it? You’re making it sound like having sex with me is a surgical procedure.”

“Far from it. And take care of it isn’t the right term anyway. Technically I’d be fucking you into oblivion.”

“I’m not going to be anyone’s mercy fuck, Justin.”

“That’s not what I’m saying.” He slipped his hands under his hood and pulled on his hair in frustration. “Fuck. Do you have any clue how badly I want you? I need this just as much as you.”

“I’m sorry, but you’re really confusing me. You care about me, but you don’t want to be with me. You just want to fuck me. It just seems like an oxymoron.”

“I want to give you what you need today…not tomorrow or ten years down the line. Today. It just so happens that what you need is also what I need. I need to satisfy this fucking itch that has been eating away at me for over a decade. I need to be with you on a physical level before I fucking explode. But I just can’t put a label on everything right now. I can’t make promises for the future because that would be irresponsible. There is too much at stake. I won’t make a promise to that little girl only to let her down.”

“So, you’re suggesting that we forget everything else, just start a physical relationship with no expectations.”

“That was what you said you wanted with some random guy, right? Why not with me? It’s a fuck of a lot safer.”

“Because I don’t think that’s possible with you. I don’t think I can compartmentalize years of feelings in order to have a casual sexual relationship with you. You matter too much to me. I will always want you in my life. If we have sex, we can never take that back. I would never be able to look at you the same.”

“You’d never be able to
walk
the same.”

“Can you be serious?”

“I
am
being serious.” He smiled. “Okay…in all honesty, I want you to think about my proposition. I’m just asking you to consider living in the moment, having a little fun with me, taking things day by day.”

“Take things day by day and then one day wake up and find you gone?”

“I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.”

A part of me wanted to leap into his arms and take him up on his proposition right there on kitchen counter, but the logical part just couldn’t agree to this. “I don’t know.”

“If there’s anything I can do to help make your decision easier, let me know. Just think about it. You don’t have to make a decision right now. Sleep on it. Or sleep
on me
. Whatever you decide.”

He started to walk toward the stairs.

“Where are you going?”

“Upstairs. I’ll leave the door open in case you decide there’s something you’d like to watch later.”

I’d gone straight to my own room that night and didn’t come out because I couldn’t trust myself around him. Was he even serious? A small part of me pondered whether he was just pulling my leg with that proposition. Maybe this was some grand scheme to get back at me for hurting him a decade ago… lure me to succumb to his sexual charms then tell me it was just a joke.

Tossing and turning, I considered all the pros and cons and came to the conclusion that while sex with him would be amazing, it would only result in my getting hurt. It would also ruin our second chance at friendship which was still new and on shaky ground.

At the same time, I was completely turned on, my panties soaking wet from the way he was speaking to me. Just the thought of being with him was getting me off.

At some point in the middle of the night, I must have fallen asleep while ruminating. When I woke up the next morning, it was after 11AM. I hadn’t slept that late in ages.

The sun was streaming through the sheer white curtains of my bedroom window. Had I dreamt my conversation with Justin last night? It occurred to me that Bea was missing from her crib.

I ran downstairs to find Justin sitting in the living room.

“Where’s Bea?”

“She’s right here. Check this out.” Bea was slowly crawling toward him as he lured her with a new stuffed toy. It was a long rainbow-colored stuffed caterpillar that squeaked.

“Come on, Bumblebee,” he said to her.
I loved his nickname for her.

Bea was inching toward him; it was her most impressive attempt at mobility yet.

“She’s crawling toward you!”

“I know. We’ve been practicing all morning.”

“Where did you get that toy?”

“I picked it up for her the other day from the toy shop downtown.”

“So you came inside the room this morning and took her out of the crib?”

“No, she walked downstairs herself, Amelia,” he quipped. “Of course. I peeked in on you because you never sleep that late, wanted to make sure you didn’t pass out from diddling yourself to thoughts of me last night.”

“Not quite. Although you
were
on my mind.”

“Anyway…she was just sitting there in her crib, looking at me, quiet as a mouse while you were snoring. So, I took her downstairs so you could stay sleeping. You had a pumped bottle in the fridge, so we finished that off.” He looked down at Bea. “She’s my breakfast buddy now.”

“Thanks for doing that.”

“It’s no problem.”

Our eyes locked, and I felt like I needed to break the ice. “Justin, about last night…”

He got up suddenly from the couch. “Don’t worry about it. I was out of line. I went a little crazy, got jealous.”

I was surprised that he’d changed his tune so fast. “Really?”

“Yeah. I wasn’t thinking with the right head.”

“Okay…then I’m glad we both agree.”

“Well, I have a lot of work to get done. So…” He picked up Bea off the floor, lifting her up over his head briefly. “I’ll see you later, Bumblebee.”

He then retreated to his room and didn’t come out for the rest of the afternoon.

More confused than ever, I went about my day, cleaning the house and doing Bea’s laundry.

It was the beginning of September, and the weather was starting to get chilly on the island. A few weeks back, I’d officially notified the school department back in Providence that I wouldn’t be returning to my job this year. It was a tough decision but one that was best for my daughter. My savings would carry me through about twelve months. In a year’s time, I would reassess my situation, either return to teaching or maybe try to find a work-from-home job.

A knock on the door prompted me to place my broom in the corner.

Upon opening the door, my heart nearly skipped a beat at the sight of a familiar leggy blonde with a pixie cut. “Jade. Oh my goodness. This is unexpected.”

“Surprise!” She leaned in to hug me before stepping back. “Gosh, you look great, Amelia. Did you lose weight? Don’t people normally gain weight after having a baby?”

“I guess I got lucky my daughter didn’t let me eat or sleep for the first few months.” Trying to mask my discomfort, I asked, “Is Justin expecting you?”

“No. Not at all. Is he upstairs? I saw his car outside.”

“Yeah. He’s in his office working.”

She took notice of Bea playing in the Exersaucer. “She is so beautiful. She looks just like you. Can I take her out of this thing?”

“Sure.”

An uneasy feeling developed as I watched Jade crouch down to see my daughter.

What was she doing here?

Had he invited her?

Was that the reason for his sudden change of tune?

What felt like blinding jealousy bombarded me.

Jade lifted Bea up to hold her. “She smells so good. What is that?”

“It’s Dreft, the baby detergent I use on her clothes.”

“Maybe I should give you some of my clothes to wash. She smells so fresh and clean.”

I was totally over the small talk. “What brings you here, Jade?”

Sitting down on the couch and placing Bea on her lap, she said matter-of-factly, “I screwed up.”

“What do you mean?”

“I fucked everything up with Justin. This past year, I’d given everything I had to my job and nothing to him. I took him for granted. Did he say anything to you about why we broke up?”

“He just told me that he ended things when he went back to New York earlier this summer. He didn’t really go into the details.”

“It was a misunderstanding.”

“How so?”

“He’d come to surprise me and found me having dinner at the apartment with my co-star, Greg Nivens. Justin jumped to conclusions. Nothing was going on with Greg. It was a business meeting. Things had been rough between Justin and me for a while before that, but I would have never cheated on him.”

“So, you’re here to—”

“Get my man back. Yes. I never fought for him. I never pleaded with him. I was in such shock with the way things ended that I never truly reflected on my responsibility in all of it. It was basically all my fault. I still love him so much.”

No.

No.

No.

This unexpected and imminent threat was putting my true feelings to the test. I was terrified to lose him, terrified he’d go back to New York with her. My body stiffened in defense, somehow preparing to go to war in a battle it was destined to lose.

“Wow. I don’t know what to say. I—”

Justin’s deep voice startled me. “Jade. What are you doing here?”

She stood up, still carrying Bea. “Hi.”

His eyes shifted over to me briefly then back to her.

“How long have you been here?” he asked.

“Just a few minutes. I came all the way here because we need to talk. Can we go somewhere? Maybe take a walk on the beach?”

My chest felt heavy, and I was sweating from nerves.

Justin looked over at me again in a fleeting glance before saying, “Let me get my jacket.”

When the door shut behind them, all of the fear I’d been holding in released from me in one swift breath only to start building up again in my gut.

I looked over at Bea and spoke to her like she could understand. “I don’t want him to leave.”

She cooed and babbled while she smacked her hand down on one of the squeaky toys attached to her playset.

“I’m afraid to be with him and afraid to be without him.”

She blew a couple of raspberries, drool dripping down her chin.

“You really adore him, don’t you?”

“Ba…Ba,” she answered.

My heart hammered against my chest. “I know. Me, too.”

***

Justin was gone for almost six hours. I was sure he wasn’t coming home.

When the key turned in the door around ten-thirty that night, I straightened up on the sofa, trying to look casual so that it didn’t appear like I’d been anxiously awaiting his return.

Justin rubbed his eyes and threw his coat on a chair. He went to the kitchen to grab a drink before taking a seat next to me.

I swallowed, afraid to ask, “Where is Jade?”

He took a sip of his beer then stared blankly down at the bottle as he twirled it around mindlessly in his hands. “She’s on her way back to New York. I drove her to the train.”

“I wasn’t sure if you’d be coming back tonight.”

He was silent for a long time then looked into my eyes. “Nothing happened, Amelia.”

“You don’t owe me an explanation.”

He spoke louder, “I don’t? Are you kidding yourself?”

“What do you mean?”

“You seem to think that I can’t see right through you. I saw your face when she showed up. You were scared. Why can’t you admit that? Why can’t you admit that you’re just as fucking scared of what’s been happening between us as I am?”

I don’t know.

When I didn’t respond, he simply said, “We took a walk on the beach…talked. Then, I drove her to the train.”

“You were gone so long. I just assumed…”

“That we were somewhere fucking? No. I drove around for a while alone just to think.”

“I see. What did you and Jade decide?”

“She thinks the real reason I ended it was because I’d found her hanging out with that guy, but that’s not the truth. I’d gone to New York with the full intention of breaking things off before I even saw her having dinner with him.”

“You explained that to her?”

“I couldn’t be completely upfront about everything.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’d have to admit stuff to her that I haven’t even admitted to you…and I didn’t want to hurt her even more.”

“Things like…”

“Remember what I said about cheating?”

“That if you have the urge to cheat on someone, it’s better to just break up with that person?”

“Yeah. Well, I had the urge to cheat…with you…multiple times last summer. I thought that maybe you becoming a mother would somehow make me see you in a different light now, make me less attracted somehow, but that hasn’t been the case. It’s been the opposite. You’ve never been sexier to me. But even if nothing were to happen between us, my attraction to you is a sign that something was off between Jade and me. You shouldn’t covet someone else like that if you’re in a healthy relationship. It’s an indication that something is missing, even if you don’t know exactly what it is. I don’t believe in dragging things out if the outcome is already determined in your mind.”