Rough Drafts (2 page)

“What are you talking
about?” he asked her. “I have the utmost respect for you.”

Candace shook her head
again sadly and stood to face him. “No, you don’t. If you did, you would not
have jumped to any conclusions about Jameson. To disrespect my marriage is one
of the most disrespectful things you could do to me.”

“I don’t understand
how…”

Candace offered the
younger man a weak smile. “I know you don’t,” she softened her tone a bit.
“That’s exactly why we cannot continue on together,” she explained. Jason hung
his head and nodded. Candace guided him to her office door and opened it slowly
for him. She placed a hand on his back and looked in his eyes. “Take the
lesson, Jason. There are a lot of bumps on this road. I’ve been driving on it a
lot longer than you have. Sometimes, you have to take a detour,” she said. He
forced a nod and stepped into the reception area. Susan looked up from her desk
to meet Candace’s gaze. Candace shook her head gently. “Susan, please call Dana
in as soon as possible,” she directed her assistant. Susan nodded her
understanding. “Good luck, Jason,” Candace said before retreating behind her
office door again.

Candace closed the
door and collapsed against it with a heavy breath. “It never
ends.
”

***

“I’m glad you came,”
Scott said as Jameson took a seat.

“I almost didn’t,”
Jameson admitted without looking at him. Scott nodded. Jameson inhaled a deep
breath for courage and looked across at her old friend. “I’m still angry,” she
told him.

“I know,” he replied.

Maureen gently rubbed
Jameson’s back to encourage her as Jameson continued. “This isn’t easy for me,
Scott.”

“I know that too,” he
said.

“Maybe it was a long
time ago. For me, it still feels like yesterday most of the time,” Jameson
said. “I also know this is something I need to do. Not for you. For me. For
Craig.”

Scott nodded again. “I
understand that. So? Let’s get started.”

***

Dana entered Candace’s
office tentatively. “It’s okay, Dana,” Candace said with a light chuckle. “I
retracted the claws a while ago.”

“Do I want to know what
happened?” Dana inquired sheepishly. Candace gestured for her to take a seat.
She handed Dana the photos that Jason had given her. Dana looked at them and
then back at Candace. “So?” she asked.

“Good answer,” Candace
said. She sighed. “Jason busted in here ranting about Jameson’s addiction
problem.”

“What?” Dana yelled in
disgust. Candace shook her head. “Is he delusional?”

“No,” Candace
chuckled. “He is overzealous. And, he is definitely a capricious son of a
bitch, too impulsive and
downright
foolhardy.”

Dana rubbed her eyes
and groaned. “You fired him,” she surmised.

“Yep.”

“Did you tell J.D.
yet?” Dana asked.

“Nope.”

“She’s going to…”

“She is going to blame
herself,” Candace said assuredly. “As much as she detests the way Jason lingers
and interferes, Jameson wouldn’t wish any ill on him.”

“I know,” Dana said.

“She’s got enough on
her plate today,” Candace said softly.

“Did you talk to her
yet?” Dana asked.

“No. I’m flying home
in a few hours. Maureen went with her to the clinic,” Candace said.

Dana detected the
guilt in her voice. “Candy—that might be for the best. You didn’t know her
then. Craig and Scott were her best friends.”

“I know. She told me.
Dana, she still blames Scott. She knows it wasn’t his fault. She just…”

Dana smiled wanly.
“Did she
tell you
what happened? I mean,
I know the basics…”

Candace closed her
eyes to still her emotions. Jameson was embarking on a painful mission. Jason
had struck more than one nerve when he entered Candace’s office earlier and for
several reasons. First, if Jameson was addicted to
anything,
it was her work. She had a strong aversion to drugs.
Something, those closest to her understood well. She hardly ever drank beyond a
couple of glasses of wine or
beer
by the
pool. It may have been true that people could be masters at hiding addiction.
How anyone could draw that conclusion about Jameson perplexed Candace.
Secondly, Candace was all too aware what had prompted Jameson’s mother to
accompany
her to the rehabilitation clinic. The
visit was overdue, and not for the reasons that Jason had surmised. In fact, in
many ways, Candace thought Jameson’s reason for visiting might have been even
harder than
confronting an addiction of her
own. Perhaps not, but the driving force in Jameson’s itinerary that day was
nonetheless attached to
facing
enormous
pain.

“Craig wasn’t just her
cousin, Dana. He was like a brother to her,” Candace said. Dana nodded.

“I know that he and
Scott…”

“They were inseparable
as kids, the three of them. Maureen told me that Craig and Scott practically
lived with them until Jameson left for college. The Three Musketeers,” Candace
laughed. “Apparently, they were known to wreak more than their fair share of
havoc.”

“I know the ending. I
just don’t know how they ended up there,” Dana said.

Candace closed her
lips tightly and then exhaled. “After Jameson moved onto campus, it started.
Scott fell in with the wrong crowd. Craig, from what Maureen told me, was
always the follower. Without Jameson to follow, he let Scott lead. Parties
turned to binges. Binges
resulted in
breaking into a few houses. That led to both being placed at the clinic. I
guess all seemed well for a bit. Craig started some classes and then suddenly
he just dropped out.”

Dana listened without
interrupting. The night that Jameson received the call about her cousin Craig
was embedded in her consciousness. She had not once seen Jameson so lost—before
or since. Craig Reid had visited Jameson a couple of times on campus. Dana
recalled that whenever Jameson’s cousin made an appearance, her friend seemed
to nearly glow with excitement. She envied the bond she saw between Jameson and
Craig. It was rare to have such a kindred spirit in life.

Candace continued.
“I’m not sure that anyone knows what led to it all. You know how kids can be,”
she said. “They think that they are invincible. Jumping off roofs into pools
wasn’t daring enough anymore, I guess,” Candace told Dana. Dana snickered
slightly. She could imagine a young Jameson getting into all kinds of mischief
with her cousins. Candace smiled at the reaction. “Not hard to imagine, is it?”
she said knowingly.

“Not really, no,” Dana
agreed.

“I still catch her
eyeing that big oak tree in the backyard,” Candace chuckled. She let out a
heavy sigh. “I guess they
outgrew
the tree
climbing, at least Craig and Scott did.
Adventure
ended up on the receiving end of a needle,” Candace paused. “I don’t know the
whole story, Dana. I’m not sure that anyone does. I do know that Scott was with
Craig when he overdosed.”

“J.D. still blames him
for Craig’s death,” Dana surmised.

Candace nodded. “Yes,
but I think on a deeper level she blames herself.”

“What? Why? Candy,
J.D. was with Steven and me in New York City that weekend.”

“Exactly,” Candace
said.

***

“I’m going to let you
two take the tour,” Maureen excused herself.

“What?” Jameson asked
nervously.

Maureen offered her
daughter a compassionate smile and placed her hand on Jameson’s arm. She leaned
a bit closer
to
Jameson’s ear. “J.D., you
need to talk to Scott. It’s been sixteen years. Talk to him,” Maureen said
before nodding to the pair and taking her leave. Jameson felt her body
beginning to tremble. The last thing that she wanted was to be left alone with
Scott Drummond.

“J.D.,” Scott began.

“Let’s get this over
with,” Jameson said a bit abruptly.

Scott did not move. He
looked a Jameson and shook his head. “Are we ever going to move past this?” he
asked her.

Jameson glared at her
old friend. “Move past
this
? Is that
what Craig is to you now?”

“You know that’s not
true,” Scott said calmly. “I think about him every day.”

“Yeah, well…Let’s just
do this thing, okay? I’m here to help redesign this place, not our friendship,”
she said bluntly.

“J.D….”

“Scott,” Jameson
closed her eyes to quell her rising temper. “Please. Just…show me what you are
thinking. I can’t right now. Let’s get through today, okay?” she implored him.

Scott nodded sadly.
“Okay, J.D.”

Jameson followed Scott
through a set of double doors and concentrated on her breathing. She offered a
silent thought to her childhood best friend.
I just can’t yet, Craig. I’m sorry.

“She’s upstairs,”
Pearl told Candace when the senator rolled through the front door.

“How
did she seem?” Candace asked.

Pearl
shrugged. “You know her.”

“Yes,
I do,” Candace said as she glanced up the staircase.

“Long
day for you both,” Pearl observed.

Candace
turned back and snickered. “That’s an understatement.”

“Well,
you know where I am if you need me,” Pearl said.

“I
do,” Candace smiled.

“By
the way, Jonah called,” Pearl said.

“Everything
okay?” Candace asked.

Pearl
shrugged. “I think so,” she answered. “Just said he would talk to you later.”

“Ah,
a man of few words,” Candace laughed at her son.

“Yeah,
didn’t get that from you,” Pearl quipped.

“Funny,”
Candace returned. “I’ll give you a call tomorrow.”

“If
you need me…”

Candace
hugged Pearl. “I promise, I will call. Isn’t Jeffrey supposed to be visiting
this weekend?” Candace asked.

Pearl’s
face lit up. She hadn’t seen her youngest son in nearly six months. “Supposed to,”
she said. “He’s only here for a few days before he heads off again.”

“Where
to now?” Candace asked.

“London
for a month. Then? Who knows?” Pearl said.

“007
is
on
another mission, huh?” Candace
joked.
 
Jeffrey was an interpreter with The
State Department. Pearl wasn’t entirely sure what he did other than interpret
Russian and German into English. She often joked to Candace that he must be a
spy with all the travel he did. It led to the affectionate nickname 007.

“Lord
only knows,” Pearl rolled her eyes. “I love that boy, but where he ever got the
inclination for all his adventures I will never know,” she said.

Candace
winked at the older woman. Jeffrey was fourteen years younger than Candace. She
had changed more than a few of his diapers and had always considered him more
of a brother than her own two. He was a great deal like Candace. A fact that
Pearl seemed to always delight in. “Well, if you two have time…”

Pearl
grinned from ear to ear. “I am sure he would jump at the chance. Only if
Jameson is up to that,” Pearl said.

Candace
glanced up the stairs again. “I don’t know, I think it might be exactly what
she will need.”

“Good
night, Candy,” Pearl said with a
hug
.

Candace
watched Pearl leave and then faced the stairs. She made her way quietly through
the upstairs hallway and to the bedroom door. Jameson was standing
at
the window looking out as Pearl’s car drove
away in the distance. Jameson spoke without turning. “Did you
really
fire Gollum?” she asked.

“Yep,”
Candace
answered
.
Jameson turned slowly to face her wife. Candace shook her head. “Jameson…”

“I’m
all right.”

“Sure
you are,” Candace replied knowingly.

“Why’d
you can him?” Jameson asked.

“Don’t
worry about Jason,” Candace said. “I want to hear about your day.”

Jameson
shrugged. “Not much to tell. Not
a challenging
project. I think I should be able to meet all of their…”

Candace
arched an eyebrow at Jameson. “I wasn’t referring to upgrading the center,” she
said flatly. Jameson shrugged again as tears
pooled
in her eyes. Candace closed the distance between them slowly. “Jameson,” she
whispered. “Talk to me.”

“What
is there to say?” Jameson asked quietly. “I just don’t have it in me,” she
said. “I could barely look at him,” she admitted.

“Scott?”
Candace guessed. Jameson nodded against Candace’s shoulder. “It’s okay, honey.”

“No.
It isn’t,” Jameson said as she pulled away and turned back toward the window.
“He’d be so pissed at me.”

“Who?”
Candace asked gently. Jameson didn’t answer. Candace sighed. “Craig?” she
asked. Jameson nodded. “Jameson…”

Jameson
kept her gaze out the window and took a deep breath. She had told Candace the
basic story of Craig’s death. She’d shared numerous tales about the Three
Musketeers. Craig was her father’s youngest brother’s son. Scott was her
mother’s brother’s eldest son. All three were less than a year apart in age.
Candace knew that there was a great deal that Jameson had yet to share, not the
least of which surrounded her feelings about Craig’s untimely death at the age
of twenty.

“He
would be. He just would be. I can’t help it,” Jameson said. Candace waited for
her to continue. “He didn’t even call for help, Candace,” Jameson said. “What
the hell? While Craig was convulsing on the floor, he just sat there and
watched,” Jameson explained. Candace closed her eyes as Jameson continued to
speak. “I know. I know he was stoned out of his mind. I get that. He didn’t
want to get caught. Jesus!” Jameson’s voice raised measurably. “He was more
worried about getting in fucking trouble than his best friend choking on his
own vomit! What the fuck? How the hell am I supposed to forget that?”

Candace
placed her hand on Jameson’s back and turned Jameson to face her. “Jameson,”
she said softly. Jameson looked up and into Candace’s eyes. “You aren’t ever
going to forget that,” Candace said honestly.

Jameson
closed her eyes and shook her head. Her chest was constricting so violently
that she feared she would stop breathing. Most days, Jameson went about her
life without immersing herself in the memory of her two best friends. She had
chosen Cornell University largely because she wanted to remain close to the
pair. At eighteen, she assumed that their relationship would be unchanged by
her move to a college campus. She’d underestimated exactly how much entering
college would change all their lives. Jameson was immersed in her studies. She
made new friendships and those commanded most of her free time. Scott never
seemed to have a desire to pursue college. He worked painting houses and doing
odd jobs with Jameson’s father’s construction company during the day. At night,
he liked to party with friends. Craig enrolled in a community college, unsure
of what he wanted to do. The lack of structure proved difficult for him. He
followed along with Scott and before anyone had a clue something was wrong, the
weekend parties morphed into weeklong escapades. When Craig and Scott were
caught breaking into a neighbor’s house, it had shaken Jameson’s entire family
to their core. With no history of trouble, both were given a Conditional
Discharge by the presiding judge. Scott and Craig would both be required to
enter a drug rehabilitation and counseling program and they would need to
complete a hundred hours of community service. All seemed well for the next
year. Even when Craig had dropped out of his classes again, no one suspected
that he and Scott had begun to fall back into their old ways. No one suspected
until that fateful night.

“Jameson,”
Candace called to her wife. She gently coaxed Jameson to open her eyes. “There
is nothing you could have done,” she said knowingly.

“You
don’t know that,” Jameson said. “How
can you
know that
?” she asked.

Candace
took a deep breath and released it slowly. She led Jameson to the bed to sit.
“Because, there is no what if in life, honey. There just isn’t.”

Jameson
sighed and shook her head in dismay again. “He didn’t even call. How do I
forgive him for that? How could he not even call?” Jameson asked. Her voice had
lost its edge and fallen to almost a whisper.

Candace
pulled Jameson into her arms. “I don’t know. Have you ever asked him that?” she
asked Jameson cautiously.

Jameson’s
eyes flew open. “Ask Scott why he didn’t call for help?” Jameson asked. Candace
nodded. “No. Until today, I haven’t spoken more than hello to him in sixteen
years,” she said sadly.

“Maybe
you should start there,” Candace suggested.

“I
can barely look at
him,
” Jameson
admitted. Candace gently caressed Jameson’s back and waited patiently for her
to continue. “Every time I see him….”

“You
remember Craig,” Candace guessed the problem. Jameson nodded. Candace pulled
Jameson back onto the bed with her and into her arms.

“It’s
my fault,” Jameson said softly.

“No,
it isn’t,” Candace said flatly.

“Maybe
if I had been there…”

“Maybe,”
Candace admitted. “And, maybe not. Maybe it would have been a car crash. Maybe
something would have happened to you. There are no maybes, honey. I think, the
only maybe to consider is that the person you need to forgive is yourself.”

Jameson
held onto Candace more tightly. “Maybe it is,” she confessed. “You fired Gollum
over this,” Jameson said bluntly. She’d seen an initial story on the evening
news. It had shown Jameson and her mother in a photo with the caption:
Addicted to more than love?
“Now,
someone has lost their job because of me too.”

Candace
pulled Jameson to face her. “Jason lost his job because he failed to do it
properly,” she said assuredly. “Not because of you, Jameson. He’s been walking
a tightrope for months. Today it snapped. This campaign is only beginning in
earnest now. I can’t spend the next nine months babysitting my campaign
manager. It won’t work. Jason did this to himself.”

“Is
this bad for you?” Jameson asked with a tinge of
guilt
in her voice.

Candace
couldn’t help by laugh. “Bad for me? That you are working on a project in
memory of your cousin? Hardly,” she said as she placed a kiss on Jameson’s
temple. “Dana has it under control. You don’t need to worry about that at all.”

“I
do worry,” Jameson said.

“Don’t,”
Candace told her. She kissed Jameson’s lips gently. “I am worried about you.”

Jameson
brushed a strand of hair out of Candace’s eyes and smiled. “I’ll be okay. It’s
just something I have to do. I’m just not sure how I am going to do it right
now.”

Candace
understood. “Why now?” she asked gently.

Jameson
shrugged in Candace’s embrace. “You’ll laugh.”

“At
you?” Candace asked. “I doubt that.”

“I
don’t know. After we got back from
Marianne’s,
I just kept thinking about them. I mean…maybe it
was being
with the kids. I just couldn’t help but think about
Craig. About how things were before…I don’t know.”

Candace
smiled. She placed a tender kiss on Jameson’s lips. “Babies will do that,” she
said. “They make you look at things differently. Make you feel hopeful.”

Jameson
chuckled. It was true. She and Candace had spent a week at Marianne’s after
Marianne gave birth to her second child. This time a little girl named Madeline
Pearl, or Maddie for short. Jameson spent most of the week playing with Spencer.
The toddler went from enthralled by his baby sister to total disinterest in
less than a heartbeat at any given moment. It reminded Jameson a great deal of
her youth, each time a new baby entered the family. There were groupings
within
her family of children that were close
in age. That made family events something Jameson had always looked forward to
in her youth. She found herself pondering what it would be like for Spencer and
Maddie.

“I
guess that’s true,” Jameson admitted. “I was lucky to have them both growing
up.” She sat up and looked at Candace.

“What
is it?” Candace asked.

“Nothing
really. It’s just strange,” Jameson said. Candace tipped her head in confusion.
“What I mean is, I love my life now. I really do. But…Sometimes, I just miss
them.”

“I
don’t think that’s strange at all,” Candace said. She pulled Jameson back down
to her.

“I
hope Spence and Maddie find friends like that,” Jameson said.

Candace
smiled broadly and stroked Jameson’s back. “You really are a big sap,” Candace
teased. Jameson groaned and Candace giggled. “Just take it one day at a time
with Scott. Talk to him. If not for Craig or for him—for you.” Jameson nodded
and nestled closer to Candace. “Did you want to go have some dinner?” Candace
asked. Jameson shook her head. “No? What about…”

“I
just want to stay here for now,” Jameson said.

Candace
sighed contentedly. “You all right?”

“I
am now,” Jameson said. She closed her eyes and let herself begin to drift away.

Candace
held Jameson close and let her eyes fall shut. She didn’t need Jameson to speak
any more words to understand how difficult the day had been for her wife. There
was
very little
that Jameson and Candace
did not discuss openly in their marriage. Jameson’s cousin’s death was one of
the few topics that often led Jameson to trail off into thoughtful silence.
Loss
was never
an
easy
thing. Untimely loss, a
loss
that seemed avoidable made it all the more senseless. Jameson carried that
weight for many years in her heart. Today had marked
an important step in
releasing it. Jameson was drained emotionally
and physically. Candace could feel the tension slowly drifting off Jameson like
waves of heat off of summer pavement. She continued to caress Jameson tenderly,
content to remain in the silence that hovered between them. “Sleep,” Candace
whispered. She felt Jameson release a deep breath and smiled.