RUIN - Part Three (The RUIN Series Book 3) (5 page)

"There are so many of them." I can't pull my eyes from the screen of his smartphone. "Noah told me a little about it, but he didn't say it was like this."

One of Ben's hands rests on my thigh while the other is cast behind me across the back of the sofa. He's leaning so close to me that I can smell the intoxicating scent of his skin. "Noah scrolled through a bunch of them."

I nod slowly. "Why did you keep them all?"

"I kept the first one because I'm bad at clearing out my phone." A small chuckle moves his chest forward a touch. "Once Parker mentioned your name I wanted to have them just in case I ever needed to show you."

I drop the phone to my lap. "You really didn't know who he was when you gave him the money for the ring, did you?" It's a question that I've already found the answer to in the saved messages on his phone. I read Parker's text thanking Ben for the gift.

His brow cocks. "He was just a random guy I had a few drinks with. He seemed down on his luck. I wanted to help him out."

"He's an ass," I mutter beneath my breath. It's an accurate description given the fact that I've just read more than three dozen messages on Ben's phone from Parker. Messages where he tells Ben that he's unsure if he's in love with me or Elsie and messages where he confesses to a split second decision to ask Elsie to marry him the day after he returned to Boston after meeting Ben.

He reaches to take the phone from me. "He's confused. He's not worthy of someone like you."

At any other moment in my life I'd find the words cheesy, but now they are anything but that. "Why didn't you tell me right away? You should have told me you knew Parker."

He places the phone on the cushion next to him before he raises his hand to his brow. He slowly runs it over his forehead. "You're the most amazing person I've ever known."

It's not an answer to my question. I want to push but I can sense from the tension in his shoulders that I need to let him set the pace. 

He closes his eyes briefly before his hand juts back to mine. "I've been close to one person in my life."

"Your mother," I offer. It's not a question. It's a fact. I know that is his truth.

"Yes." He tilts his chin down. "When she died I stopped feeling anything."

I've never dealt with a death that profound so the emotional compass I'm operating with in terms of grief is very different than Ben's.  I've imagined loss but I don't believe that's the same thing. I know it's not. Since meeting Ben, I've seen the devastating impact that death can have on someone. "I'm sorry you lost her."

"I am too," he says through a heavy sigh. "I went into medicine to heal people. It gave me a focus that I really needed. I can help a lot of people without getting too emotionally attached."

"You care for your patients." I still as I stare at his handsome face.

"I try to stay objective with them." He pops his brows up as he looks at me. "It's not always easy."

I want to know more about that because it's the very essence of who he is. Today is a perfect example of that. When I first turned towards him on the street, I could see the concern in his face. Part of that was directed towards me, but there was more beneath the surface. It's not possible for him to walk away from his work when the clock strikes four the way I do. He carries it with him. It's always there, pulling at him in ways I'll never truly grasp.

"I've only ever really cared for my mother." His eyes soften. "I mean I love my dad and Noah, but it's not the same."

I've never heard him speak openly of his feelings for his brother. It reassures me in some abstract way that I'm doing the right thing by coming to see him. "You've never been in love with a woman?"

The corner of his mouth jets up into a small smile. "No. I've cared for women but it was mostly related to sex. I'd keep my feelings out of it."

I admire the emotional control he has. I'm the exact opposite. Although I haven't ever loved anyone beyond Parker, I've cared deeply for two other men. I felt I could have fallen desperately in love with either but the circumstances never worked out that way. What I feel now, for Ben, is different. I want to express that but it's so jumbled together with the confusion that still lingers from the weekend and our encounter in Boston. I'm not ready to pour my heart out.

"Do you remember when we met on the airplane?"

My eyes dart over his face when he asks the question. "Of course I do, Ben."

"I was sitting in first class when you boarded." He scrubs the back of his neck with his hand. "You walked right past me."

"What?" I tap my hand against his knee. "You were not."

"I was," he confesses with a blush. "You stepped on to the plane and…" He blows a heavy gust of air out between his lips.

"How did you end up sitting next to me in coach?" I interrupt whatever it was he was going to say.

His finger traces a line over the seam of my jeans. "I asked the flight attendant to check if anyone was sitting next to you. She said you had the window seat, the middle seat was vacant and a woman was sitting in the aisle seat."

I never saw that woman. After I sat down in my seat I don't remember anything until Ben came up the aisle and sat down. "What woman? I never saw her."

"That's because she took my seat in first class after I offered it to her in exchange for your seat in coach when she boarded the plane."

"I thought that broke some rule or something." I tilt my head towards him. "Don't you have to stay in the seat assigned to you in case something happens?"

"The flight attendant called the gate. They made a note of the change and I took the seat in coach that was beside you."

"Why?"  I glance at him with a grin. "Why would you do that?"

"You have the most beautiful face I've ever seen." His finger jumps to my chin. "When I saw you walk past me, I knew I had to know you."

"Ah, Kayla." His hands run down the bare skin of my back. "Please. I need to. Please."

I push my wetness into his crotch. "Just hold me like this."

"Yes," he whispers the word into my neck. "I'll hold you like this forever."

I want that. I'd kissed him after he told me he arranged to sit next to me on the airplane. It wasn't because the gesture demanded a reward. It was because I saw within him the same need that I felt that night. When I'd first looked at his face as the flight attendants ran through the finer details of what to do in case of an emergency, my eyes had locked with his. There was a mirrored reflection in his face of my want and desire. We both knew, before either of us said the cursory and expected hello, that we'd be sharing our bodies.

"Your body is perfect." His lips graze over my chin. "Do you know how perfect it is?"

He's sitting against the thick wooden headboard of his bed, his back pushing it into it, while I straddle his lap. My breasts are splayed against his chest. My hands cup his cheeks. "I like that you think it's perfect."

"Everything about you is."

I push my lips into his, running the edge of my tongue along the lush full lines of his mouth. He groans slightly, his arms tightening on my back, one hand racing down to cup my ass cheek, pulling my core over his swollen erection.

"I've missed this," I whisper into his mouth. "I've missed you."

He pulls back just enough that his lips hover next to mine as he speaks. "Tell me you trust me, Kayla. I can't do this if you don’t trust me."

"I…" I edge forward wanting to feel his kiss again.

"Kayla." His hands bolt to my face. "I have so many things to tell you. I can't fuck you if you doubt me. I feel too much when I fuck you."

The growl that comes out of him with the words only arouses me more. "I want you to fuck me, Ben."

"Jesus, please." His thumb runs a path over my bottom lip. "I want to taste you. I've been craving you for days. Tell me this is okay."

"I want it." I push my breasts into his chest, pressing my core into his hard cock. "I want you so much."

"Fuck." His hands are back on my body, pushing me down. "I have to lick you."

I throw my legs open not caring that I'm on total display. He moves his tall frame with a single glide until his hands are on my ass and his head is resting against my thigh.

"Ben." I weave my hand through his hair. "Please."

He runs his finger over the lips of my slick sex. "Your cunt is so beautiful."

I push my hips back into the bed and arch my back. "I'm so close already. Do it, Ben. Please."

"You want me to lick this." His tongue spears hot over my swollen clit. "You want that, don't you?"

It's pure torture. I've never been with a man who knew exactly how to push me to the very edge of my desire with such a gentle touch. I pull on his hair, trying to guide his head back to my core. "I want it," I purr. "Do it."

"After you come on my face, I'm going to fuck you." He traces the tip of his tongue over my folds. "I'm going to fuck you so hard."

My hands jump to the bed linens, bunching the sheets in my fists. "I have to come."

"You will." He blows a puff of air over my flesh. "You're going to come for me now."

I scream out in pleasure as he scoops my ass into his hands, and dives into my pussy. His tongue expertly pulls at my clit, tracing a circle of pressure around it. I come quickly and hard. My hips buck beneath him but he doesn't stop. He only eats me harder, moaning into my flesh as I grind myself into his face.

His name falls from my lips over and over again as I ride the crest of pleasure into a deep orgasm. I cling to his head, pulling hard on his hair as he licks me softly until I finally rest my back into the bed again.

"Kayla." His lips are fluttering over mine now, the taste of my own desire mixed with his breath. "I feel so much."

I open my eyes slowly. His face is close to mine.  I can sense his arms on either side of me, his hands holding up the weight of his body as they push into the bed. I stare into his face. "Ben," I whisper back.

"I would never hurt you." A tear falls from his face onto my chin. "Tell me you know I wouldn’t hurt you."

"I know." I cup his cheek in my hand.

He turns his head towards my hand, pushing the gruff edge of his beard into my palm. "I kept him from you because I wanted you. You loved him for so long. I didn't want to give you back to him."

I feel all of my own emotions crashing to the surface. "I wouldn't have gone back to him."

"I lied to him to keep you." He sobs into my hand. "I lied to Parker to keep you two apart."

"I followed you a few times." His hands pull my body into his chest. He's behind me now. The dusk of the evening has taken over the city and his bedroom. The only light illuminating us is the faint lights from the buildings surrounding his.

"You saw me with Noah." I trace my fingernails over my bottom lip. "I heard that when you told Parker."

"I felt empty inside when my mother died." His breath is on my bare shoulder. "It took me years to forget how brutal the pain of losing her was."

I rub my brow. "I know, Ben."

"I felt it again." He exhales audibly. "I felt it when Parker told me he loved you."

I should turn over and face him but I know that I can't keep myself together if I do that. I'd almost fallen apart when he told me he had lied to Parker to keep us apart. It didn't really matter in the big picture of my life. I knew I'd never get back together with Parker once I met Ben, but still, hearing him tell me that he'd consciously manipulated the situation, it jarred me in ways I didn't expect.

"I didn't follow you because of Noah." He runs his hand over my hair, pulling it behind my back. "I followed you because Parker kept telling me he was coming back here to see you."

"What?" I lurch forward. "Parker told you that?"

His hands guide me back into his embrace. "He'd send me messages about how lonely he was and that he wanted you back and he was getting on the next train. Then he wouldn't respond to me for hours."

I'd read those messages on his phone but I hadn't thought much of them. Whether or not Parker tried to contact me the last few weeks didn't matter anymore. It likely wouldn't have mattered then either. I was so into Ben. I was so immersed in helping him and Noah that Parker was the last thing on my mind. "So you followed me because you thought I was going to see him?"

"It's stupid," he says the words in barely more than a whisper. "It happened twice and both times just as I was walking up the street to your place, I saw you leaving. I walked behind you and when I saw you meet up with Noah, I'd leave. I was so grateful Parker wasn't in New York trying to get you back."

"You should have stopped me. You should have just talked to me, Ben."

"I wasn't rational." He leans his head into mine. "I was fighting with myself, Kayla. The selfish part of me wanted to keep you away from Parker and the part that cares for you wanted you to have the life you wanted, even if it was with him. I was terrified of making another mistake that would cost me someone important to me."

"I wish you would have told me then that you knew him," I offer quietly. I do wish for that. Regardless of whether Parker was bad for me or not, Ben took on the task of weaving a new path for my life on his own.

"History is a powerful thing." His legs move slightly. "I asked you about him weeks ago. You told me he was your first love."

I cringe at the reminder. If life offered a redo of memorable moments that you carry with you forever, that would be mine. I did love Parker back when my innocent need to have a love that lasted a lifetime clouded all my better judgment. Parker was always looking over my shoulder for the next best thing which typically came dressed in a short skirt and had blonde hair and big tits. I never measured up to his ideal. I was the plain, skinny, brunette who was always sitting in wait for him every time he decided to sow his oats. Youth may offer many things, but in my case, my teenage years offered nothing but difficult memories of poor choices.

"I fell in love with Parker the same day I got my driver's license." I pull his hands tighter around my body. "That should tell you something about how immature I was."

He laughs so loud it bounces against the walls and fills the room. It's a beautiful laugh. One I've rarely heard. "You were young. People don't think straight when they're young."

"I'm still too young to think straight." I reach back to run my palm over his hip. "I'm not too young to know Parker is bad for me."

"When I first knew you two had been together, we were struggling with the Noah stuff." He adjusts his body slightly, pushing his knee over my legs. "I was worried."

"About what?" My hand slides down to caress the skin of his thigh.

"That Noah would tell you about what happened with our mother and you'd run back to Parker if you knew he wanted you."

It fits. Ben was almost frantic at times before I learned of the circumstances surrounding his mother's death. "I didn't run away when I found out, Ben."

"That only made me want you so much more." His lips push into my shoulder. "You were so kind and good to me. You listened to me talk about her and Noah. You didn't give up on me."

"I wouldn't have given up on you." I mean it. The thought of walking away from Ben when he was trying to claw his way out of that emotional hell that was created after his mother died, wasn't something I ever could have done. I cared too much about him.

"I thought you had when I saw you in Parker's apartment." His breath hitches before he continues, "I thought you were moving back in with him."

"What?" I flip over so quickly he can't react. "You didn't really think that."

"I went to Boston to meet with some doctors for a project I'm working on." He stops to push a few hairs away from my forehead and out of my eyes. "I got a call from Parker saying he wanted to talk to you to tell you he loved you. I wasn't in New York. I felt so far away from you."

"You had no idea I was in Boston," I offer sullenly. He couldn't have known. I went there to surprise him with the news that Noah was ready to let him back into his life.

He shakes his head briefly. "I panicked. I imagined Parker calling you and everything changing that day."

"So you went to talk to him?"

He leans forward brushing his lips softly across mine. "I asked for his address. I wanted to do it in person so I could control things."

"You told him he could have me back once you got Noah back." I don’t say it with malice or anger. I say it because it's what I heard.

"Kayla." He runs his hand along my jawline. "I would never have let him have you."

"I heard you say it." It's been the one part of that day that has haunted me relentlessly. Hearing Ben essentially tell Parker that I was his to have back was unforgettable. It made me feel like a pair of old borrowed shoes that no longer serve their purpose so they're sent back to their owner, weathered and torn.

"I met Parker in the lobby of his building." His grip on me tightens. "The very first thing he said to me was that he bought a train ticket for New York. He was taking the ring he bought and coming to see you."

I hadn't thought there was anything to their conversation beyond what I heard when I was standing in the bedroom after they walked into the apartment. "I didn’t know that."

"We were down there for more than ten minutes. I tried to convince him over and over again not to leave Boston."

I wish I would have heard that exchange. It would have offered a lot more insight than the fragmented part of their conversation I heard. "It doesn’t change what I heard."

"I was grasping at straws at that point." His body stiffens. "I'd told him in the lobby that I needed more time with you. I told him it was because of Noah. I was worried that if I told him I was involved with you as more than friends that he'd beat a path straight to your door and tell you that I knew him."

"So what I heard when you two walked in was…"

"It was my desperate attempt to get Parker to stay put in Boston so I'd have time to confess everything to you and beg you not to leave me for him," he interrupts me in a rush.

I can't look in him in the eyes as I process it all. The words I heard him say to Parker that day had bitten right through me. They'd stolen all the promise I felt for a future with him away in a flash. "You didn’t seem very surprised to see me there."

He tilts his head back as his jaw clenches. "I was in shock. I thought that was it. I thought you'd made up your mind and that you were there to take him back."

I shudder physically at the thought. "You were so calm and you just left me there with him."

"When I saw you two together, it finally hit me." He pushes his hand into his chest. "I saw how real the pain was for you. I saw how hurt you were by both of us. I knew I had to leave you there to find your way out of it."

I should feel abandoned by that. I should feel as though Ben ran away to leave me in a cage of uncertainty with Parker, but that's not what I feel at all. "You left me there to make my own choice."

"I did." He closes his eyes briefly. "It's the hardest thing I've ever done. I knew I had to stop manipulating it all. I knew that if I lost you, that it was because it was what you needed to be happy."