Rules for Werewolves (20 page)

—I know, I went up the street so I could start waiting a little bit earlier than you.

—What are you talking about?

—I didn’t go to the park. I went up the street. I introduced myself to the mailman. His name is Steven. He likes chocolate chip cookies. He gave me the mail and I’m not giving it to you.

—Give it to me, Tim.

—Not until you tell me what you want to be in it.

Fight. Fight. Fight. Fight. Fight.

—Where is it, Tim?

—Get off me. Get off me.

—Where is it?

—I didn’t bring it home. I knew you would kick my ass and search me.

—Was there any mail for me?

—I can’t tell you, Rob. Not until you answer my questions. I promised myself no matter how bad you hurt me or anything. And I’m gonna hold myself to my own word. That’s what you said mattered.

Silence. Silence. Silence. Car. Silence.

—I’m waiting for a postcard.

—From your friends?

—Telling me where they are.

—The ones that burned down that house.

—Probably, I don’t know.

—And you’re going to go meet them?

—Probably.

—Take me with you.

—Did it come today?

—It’s all bills and shit for Mom and Donald.

—Did you hide the mail in the knothole in the tree?

—I rolled it up and slid it into the birdhouse.

—How are going to get it out?

—I’m going to break the birdhouse open.

—They’re gonna be pissed off. It’s gonna be covered in shit.

—Don’t cuss.

—Okay, sorry. They’re gonna be
angry
. It’s gonna be covered in … shit.

—Take me with you, Bobert. I’m not going to let you go otherwise.

—You’ll tell.

—I won’t.

—Just as bad, you’ll watch my every move and give me away by accident.

—Please.

—Okay, okay. Okay.

—Why is everybody naked?

—We’re wearing blankets.

—Some of you.

—You’re telling me you never wanted to see what we all look like without our dirt on?

—You all smell funny.

—All the soap in this house is scented. I guess they prefer lavender to humans.

—It smells like there was an accident at the potpourri factory.

—We’re trying to make ourselves seem like we live here so the maid won’t be able to sniff us out the next time she comes back.

—The maid was here?

—We gave her a fake note from the older Baxter daughter saying we had permission to be here.

—But Malcolm thinks she’s gonna come back so we all have to smell normal so we can hide better.

—Our clothes are in the dryer.

—The ones that didn’t disintegrate when they touched water.

—Where were you two?

—We found the Peugeot house.

—Are you sure?

—Why would we say it if we didn’t mean it?

—That’s a good question, Tom. Why would you say it?

—I guess to show everybody that we’re just as werewolf as you are, Malcolm.

—You have any proof?

—Look. Carl is gonna open his fist so you can see. But it might blow away, so look quick.

—What’s that?

—Is he bleeding?

—No. It’s flecks of red paint we scraped off the Peugeot using Tom’s old house keys. I’ve been holding it in the palm of my hand the whole walk home. We wanted to show you guys some kind of proof.

—You scraped this paint off with your old house keys, Tom?

—Yeah. Right into Carl’s hand.

—That doesn’t prove anything.

—Well, we couldn’t bring the hood ornament. It wasn’t on the car ’cause Malcolm’s already got it.

—What’s in your other fist, Carl?

—Anger.

—Haha.

—Okay, where’s the house at?

—It’s over by the elementary school.

—You mean it’s over by the last Baxters’ house.

—Yeah.

—So you were feeling nostalgic when you disappeared.

—I didn’t disappear. Carl and I just wanted to take a walk.

—I’m not mad. You found the Peugeot house. It’s a miracle, Tom. Do you think you could show it to me on a map?

—Yeah. I think so.

—I didn’t expect this. I’m surprised at you. I wanna give you a surprise, too. But I can’t think of anything just yet.

—Don’t do anything to us, Malcolm.

—I’m not going to do anything to you, Carl.

—So then what’s next? Are we gonna go play a prank on this asshole, or are we gonna settle into a quiet suburban lifestyle?

—Let me ask you one question, Tom.

—What?

—Why are you still carrying around your old house keys?

—I dunno. Why do you care?

—Are you gonna run home when things get tough?

—No.

—Then why do you carry them?

—I’m just used to it, I guess. It’s a habit. About twenty times a day I pat down my pockets to feel if I have my keys. It makes me feel better.

—I don’t accept that.

—Why do you care what I carry, Malcolm?

—Because you’re also carrying me and you’re carrying everybody who’s a part of our family. We have to trust that there’s no going back. That you’re not gonna get so nostalgic that you run all the way home. If we go over to the Peugeot house and offer to teach him a lesson we have to know that you support that lesson. This is gonna be our first exploration of an occupied house. That’s new territory for us. I wanna go to this new territory with you. But I’m worried. I don’t want to go into this new territory with you while you’re walking around carrying souvenirs from your old habitat.

—I don’t even know what you’re talking about, but I’m ready to go.

—There must be a reason why you carry those keys. That’s all I’m saying.

—He used them to scrape paint off the car, Malcolm.

—I understand that, Carl, but that’s not why he carries them. He didn’t know you two were gonna stumble upon the Peugeot, did he? If he did, he would’ve had to have known where the Peugeot house was all this time. And that would be treason, right? So I still have to wonder, why do you carry those keys, Tom?

—I can use them as a weapon. I can put ’em in my fist like this, with the keys sticking out between the knuckles to make them a weapon no cop in the world is gonna be suspicious about if we get stopped and frisked.

—Maybe. But I guess what I want to hear from you is: If things get tough and we need a place to lay low after we make our first exploration of an occupied house—what I’m wondering is if,
maybe
, we can use your keys then?

—We can just lay low here, can’t we?

—Unless the maid comes back. And I’m convinced she will. She doesn’t trust us. She gave us rules, so she’s gonna wanna see if we violate them. And if she doesn’t come back right away, someone else will—the cops, the paperboy. We’ll fill you in on the plan for what to do if someone does show up and somebody will help you find a hiding place that isn’t already taken.

—You’re all gonna run and hide if someone comes over?

—That’s what I’m asking
you
about, Tom.
If
we do need to hide, in an entirely different house, in an entirely different neighborhood, do you think we could borrow your keys and find temporary refuge at an occupied house?

—You want to lay low at my parents’ place?

—I dunno. Maybe. I wanna know if it’s an option.

—Sure. But what are we going to do with my family?

—We’re you’re family, right?

—Sure. But what are we going to do with my parents?

—I mean, it could happen in so many ways. Either you could use those keys to unlock the door to your old home and go inside and tell your parents we’re gonna lay low there for a while and give them some rules, like a bedroom or a bedroom closet or something they’re not allowed to leave. Or else you could just give us the keys and you could stay out on the front lawn until we’re done and then we would come get you.

—Done doing what?

—I don’t really know. And I won’t really know until we finish up our first exploration tonight. So think about it. All right? All right? Why don’t you answer me, Tom?

—Leave him alone, Malcolm.

—No. Wait. Carl, you seem to be spending a lot of time with Tom. Does he look weird to you?

—No.

—His skin’s turning red and he’s sort of shaking and he won’t say anything to me.

—He’s angry.

—No, Carl. I think Tom’s changing.

—I’m not changing.

—What a surprise.

—I’m not changing!

—No, Tom. Listen. This is going to be great. You’re going to feel weird, but it’s a great time.

—I’m not changing.

—Have you ever changed before?

—No.

—Then how do you know what it feels like?

—Leave him alone, Malcolm.

—Some of you guys help me. Tom’s changing.

—Stop it.

—He’s resisting it so be careful. Hold him down while I tie up his hands. Stop fighting, Tom.

—Fuck off!

—I’m gonna have to put a gag in his mouth so he doesn’t swallow his tongue.

—Can I be his reader?

—That’s perfect. Yes.

—Where should we put him?

—This is bullshit.

—Shut up, Carl. Put him in the big closet in the master bedroom upstairs.

—I’ll get him some food, baby.

—What do you want me to do?

—Susan, why don’t you take Carl and explain the plan we came up with for if the maid comes home. Everybody else get your shit together. It’s eight p.m. now. We’ll go find the Peugeot house at midnight. I’m gonna go see how Anquille is doing with that safe. Tanya, Tom’s food can wait. Why don’t you come with me? Give everybody a chance to talk without us spying on ’em.

—Okay. No one’s allowed to turn on any lights upstairs or down in the basement. The upstairs lights you can see from a block away and the basement lights shine through the garden windows.

—So?

—We’re only supposed to be on the first floor. You can still go anywhere you want, you just can’t turn a light on. And everybody is supposed to plan a hiding space. If the maid does come by we have an alarm system and everybody will scramble for his or her hiding space.

—What’s the alarm system?

—We’ll turn the stereo on really loud. That’ll cover the sound of all of us diving into the hall closet.

—I was gonna hide in the hall closet.

—Is it gonna be cramped in there?

—Have you seen the hall closet? It’s huge.

—Everything in this house is bigger than it needs to be.

—It’s cool. We can both hide in there.

—Susan and Carl are a couple!

—Fuck off.

—We all take shifts being the lookout and watching for the maid to
show up. The lookout sits in the leather chair by the front door. From that chair you can see all the ways into the house. All the
normal
ways into the house. Down the front walkway, and to the side door, which you can see through the kitchen window.

—You should disable the garage door opener so we’ll have more time if somebody comes that way.

—That’s a cool idea, Carl. We’ll get somebody to do that.

—It’s my idea. I can do it. I used to do it to my parents all the time. If I wanted to smoke dope or watch porn or something, the minute my parents left the house I would climb up on a kitchen chair and flip the switch so the garage door wouldn’t work. When my parents came home they would just end up sitting in the driveway, honking. Later I would volunteer to take a look at the garage door opener. I would
say
I couldn’t find anything wrong with it, but secretly I would flip the switch back so it would work again. My parents just thought it was balky. They bought a different brand, but I can do the same thing on any brand. My parents ended up believing it had something to do with “radio interference” blocking the signal from the remote opener.

—That’s cool. I’ll tell Malcolm it was your idea so you’ll get credit and maybe he won’t be so hard on you.

—I don’t care. As soon as I can get Tom, I’m outta here.

—After he’s changed he might not want to go with you.

—Tom’s not really changing. I think Malcolm just wanted to shut him up.

—We’ll know in three days.

—What do you mean?

—When Tom comes out he’ll be able to tell us if he really changed or not.

—I’m not going to wait three days.

—That’s not cool. Don’t go in and try to get him. Remember what happened to me?

—He’s not changing.

—It doesn’t matter, Carl. You think you’re right, but you have no idea. I didn’t think I was changing, but something happens once you’re alone in the dark. Tom has permission to change now. That’s what it is: permission to change. If you go mess with Tom now, somebody’s gonna get hurt. And
that’s true either way. Whether Tom decides to change or not. Somebody’s gonna get hurt if you try and mess with him.

—Maybe.

—Maybe’s cool. Just stick with “maybe” for three days, all right?

—All right. I’ll wait. What do we do in the meantime, if the maid comes?

—It’s so simple. You just press play on the CD player. It’s already on and the signal song is cued up. The volume’s turned up all the way so wherever you are in the house you’ll hear it.

—Boo.

—Jesus Christ, Anquille. You scared the shit out of me.

—Sorry. Just goofing around. Malcolm told me to take break.

—Take it more calmly. That’s not cool.

—You said you’ll hear something. Hear what? What are y’all talking about?

—You get into the safe yet?

—My finger muscles are sore from spinning. The pads of my fingers are sore, too.

—No luck yet?

—Not yet. I’m up to plus or minus seventeen. I’ve been doing add one/subtract one, add two/subtract two. I’m being real careful, ’cause I don’t want to feel like I missed a number.

—So, Anquille, you know the maid came by, right?

—Yeah. She saw me. I introduced myself to her.

—Well, if you’re the lookout when she comes back or if anyone else comes by, you sit in that chair, you look out the front window, through the house to the side door in the kitchen, and out the garage door windows. If you see anybody pull up from any direction you press play on the stereo to start the signal song and you run and hide.