Rumble (20 page)

signal in the smoke, so I just ask, “Can I kiss you?”

I Hope She Answers

The way I know

she would

have a year ago,

or six months

ago, or even just

a few weeks

ago—with a tender

brush of her lips

against mine,

flint to fire the kiss

that could bring light

to the blackest corner

of the darkest room.

I search her eyes,

wait for that response,

or something close

to it. Instead, she says,

Not here.

I step back, offer to

help her up into the truck,

and as I do, notice

the black leather jacket

on the console between

the passenger seat and the driver’s.

No Way Around

The explanation that must come,

still I hurry to secure both doors,

start the engine, and take off down

the road, so I’ll at least have the chance

to give it. I keep asking what’s wrong

with everyone else, when maybe

the real question is what the hell’s up

with me? Was this some subconcious

stab at confession? Hayden picks up

the jacket, sniffs the signature perfume

permeating the leather.
Alexa. Jocelyn

said she saw the two of you together

yesterday. Don’t tell me. You gave her

a ride home, and it got a little hot in here.

I was going to offer the ride home

excuse, minus the rest. But now I’d

better come closer to the truth, minus

any mention of getting hot. “Not exactly.

I’m sorry, but I needed someone to talk

to. About you. We talked about you.

I’m just trying to figure you out, Hayd.”

I Don’t See Hayden’s Temper Often

But it swells to bursting now.

Figure me out? With Alexa?

What does she know about me?

Why didn’t you talk to me instead?

I couldn’t have asked for a better

opening. “I’ve tried to talk to you,

Hayden, begged you to stop closing

yourself off from me. Alexa knows

what it’s like to lose you. I’m doing

everything in my power to make sure

she and I won’t have that in common.”

That quiets her for a second or two.

I keep driving away from town.

Away from her father, her friends,

her minister, out into the countryside.

She watches the landscape shimmer

beyond the window. Finally, a whisper

escapes her mouth.
What did she say?

I have to stop and think about it.

Not sure I should bring up the part

about the reason Alexa and Hayden

are no longer friends, and that’s really

about all she said before . . . Better make

up something. “She said you hurt her.”

Hayden Sniffles

Is she crying? Oh man.

Not that. I hate it when she cries,

hate it more when I’m the reason.

I hurt Alexa? What about me?

She quit being my friend because

she was jealous you liked me better.

Slight distortion of the facts

there, girl. Not that I’d say so.

“That’s not exactly how she put it.”

Oh really?
she hisses.
Tell me

how, exactly, she did put it, then?

I pull off the main road, onto

a gravel logging track, but don’t

dare go far. The woods-shadowed

mud would swallow us whole.

I turn to Hayden, whose entire face

is puffy from tears. “Please don’t cry.”

I reach for her hand, afraid

she won’t give it, but she does,

and I kiss each finger, one by one,

on the very tip. “Alexa doesn’t matter.”

Pretty sure that’s not one hundred

percent true in the larger sense,

but in the context of this conversation,

it’s valid. “Look. Until a few weeks

ago, you and I were solid, or at least

that’s what I believed. Something

has changed, and it isn’t me.” I take

her other hand, kiss those fingers,

too. And it’s only the tiniest interior

voice whispering that I’d never have

to go to such lengths to prove my love

for Alexa. If I did love Alexa, that is.

I guess I have changed,
she admits,

but not in a bad way. I’m growing

deeper in my relationship with the Lord,

is all. I love you, Matt, I do. But spiritual

love is more important than love born

of the flesh, and that’s what we have.

She’s Trading Me In

For Jesus. Can’t imagine whose

idea that was. “I thought all love

came from God. What happened

to that? Don’t tell me. Judah,

who’s given you a whole new

understanding of the scriptures.”

That’s right.
Her eyes fill with

something very much resembling

adoration. But for the Lord, or for

his earthly messenger?
Remember

the last argument you and I had,

about why you never tried—

“Of course I remember. To be

clear, however, my only problem

was about your ‘discussing’ my

probable homosexual predisposition

with your friends and pastor.”

I know, Matt. And when I told Judah

what happened he said to put myself

in your shoes, as Jesus would have

us do. And then he laid the blame

totally on me. He said I was at fault

for believing my worth was determined

by the artificial standards of man.

Insane

The man.

The message.

The way she believes every word.

The control that gives him.

But I don’t dare argue.

Mustn’t contradict.

I can’t fight him long distance,

even though I know those

artificial standards

he expects her to eschew

are his own.

He is a two-faced prick,

and the only way to expose

the one he so skillfully hides

is on his home turf.

“You’re not to blame

for anything, Hayden, except

wanting to feel valued. I try very

hard to do that for you, but obviously

sometimes I fail. Still, I’m glad

he’s making you look at things

through a wider lens. In fact, I’m impressed.

Do you have a youth group meeting

on Friday? I’d really like to come.”

Unconvinced

Doesn’t quite cover

her expression. Skeptical

isn’t strong enough, either.

She studies me, as if looking

for my own hidden face,

or the alien crawling beneath

my skin, seeking egress.

Why?

“Why do I want to go? Why not?”

Matt, you’ve never shown one

tiny bit of desire to go to church

with me, let alone youth group.

So, why? What do you want?

“Wow. What a cynic.

Okay, Hayden, I want

to see your Judah

in action; to try and wrap

my brain around the way

you feel about him;

to comprehend the power

of his message. I want

to understand.”

Not Exactly a Lie

Though I hope she misses

the nuanced meaning,

and she seems to.

I’ll ask Judah, okay?

“Okay, but it’s his job

to win me over, right?”

Go ahead, dude. Convert

me and I’ll shave my head

and relocate to Tibet.

Finally, a smile.
I guess it is.

“So, we’re okay, then?”

Can’t believe I pulled it off.

“Is it okay for me to kiss you

now?” Please, please, please

don’t say no. “No one will

see but that bear over there.”

She jumps. But there’s no

bear.
Matt! That was mean.

“Allow me to make it up to you.”

Unpredictably, she softens, lukewarm,

into my arms. Let the kissing begin.

This Kiss

Is a shallow winter

pool—watery,

much too cool.

It makes me shiver,

and not in a good way.

I try to dive deeper,

find the hot spring

I suspect lies hidden

somewhere

inside this girl I love.

I give it my best shot,

but she keeps reeling

me back

to the surface,

where the scent

of citrus-perfumed

leather

is overwhelming.

Sunday Morning

I wake earlier than usual,

no doubt due to the sunshine

flooding the eastern window.

A second sunny day in a row

demands a celebration. But first,

I text Hayden.
DON’T FORGET

TO ASK JUDAH IF I’M WELCOME

ON FRIDAY. I PROMISE TO BE

THE PERFECT GENTLEMAN.

What I don’t promise is that

I won’t change my mind.

When I open my bedroom door,

breakfast aromas smack me

square in the nose. Mom’s still

gone, so it’s Dad who’s claimed

the kitchen. Weirdly, he’s wide

awake and smiling around his eggs.

Enjoying the silver morning, too,

I guess, and some strange air

of nostalgia engulfs me. “I’m going

to the range today. Want to come

along?” Holy hell. Did I just invite

my dad to go shooting with me?

Holy Hell

Is what his body language

screams, too. And in the span

of about thirty seconds, his

expression segues from surprise

to pleasure to disappointment.

Seriously, thanks for asking, son.

But I’m afraid I’ve got plans.

The tone of his voice is odd.

Husky. And I understand

immediately that his plans

do not involve his buddies.

He’s doing something with
her.

But next time, give me a little

warning. I’ve been meaning to

hang out with Jessie. The two

of us aren’t getting any younger.

And Luke will never grow older.

“So you know, I’d give my left nut

to spend one more day with my brother.

Next time you should come along.”

I Retreat

Before he can respond, exit the house

without turning around. When I start

the truck, I notice the leather jacket

on the backseat. Damn. I forgot to drop

it off. Oh well. Lex’s house is on the way,

so it will be a quick stop. I’m almost there

when I notice the little tremor of nerves.

What does she think of me? What does

she expect of me? And a bigger question—

what do I expect of her now? I glance down

at the speedometer, which holds steady

at thirty-eight in a fifty mph zone.

My subconscious, reminding me I really

don’t want this meeting, hope it won’t turn

into a confrontation, or even worse,

a tear-fest. I hate when women cry.

Only Fitting, Then

That Alexa answers the door,

puffed red eyes feeding the black

streams striping her cheeks.

Déjà vu to the nth degree.

“Uh. Hi? I came to retu—”

She pushes straight past the offered

jacket and rushes out the door,

not much differently than I just did

at my own home a short while ago.

I need to get out of here.

The words are tossed over her shoulder

as she hustles to my truck and jumps

up inside, like I’d invited her to do

exactly that. I can only watch, half

choking on a silent protest.

My head swivels toward a flick

of movement behind the window.

Déjà vu to the nth degree, except

the scowling face belongs to a woman.

She is Alexa, only twice her age.

Okay, What Now?

I retreat toward the truck, backward,

just in case the shrewish woman

decides to come after me. But I reach

my vehicle safely. Alexa stares out

the far window, not acknowledging

my presence. “Hey, lady. What’s up?”