Rumble (24 page)

He Made Me Promise

To keep my mouth shut.

I thought it would be better

to maintain his trust, but

I only agreed if he vowed

in return to come to me

before he made any crazy

decisions. He gave me his word.

And he kept it.

Unfortunately, I kept mine,

too, and how many times

have I regretted that?

Countless! Multiply

countless by the days

I’ve got left,

stumbling through life.

I’m desperate to escape

the chest-crushing guilt

of not speaking up

when I had the chance.

I didn’t understand

the depth of his depression.

Never believed he’d do it.

School Was Almost Out

It was early June, the best

of summer closing in.

Surely time and lack

of proximity between

attackers and victim

would slow their drive

and cushion his pain.

Winter drizzle and spring

rain had left the hills green

beneath a warming crown

of sun. Creeks and lakes

teemed with hungry trout.

I’d take Luke fishing, just

like when we were little.

I’d make an effort to do that, even

though I was concentrating

most of my energy on Hayden.

But I didn’t mind splitting

my attention and giving a little

to my brother. Who knew

we’d never go fishing again?

I Shake Off

The memory, bring myself firmly

back into the present, and as I

straighten Luke’s bed, think about

how I’ve lately been splitting

my attention between Hayden and

Alexa. Why does Lex have to be

so much fun? Why can’t Hayden

be more fun, more like she used

to be? When did she get so serious?

I think it was even before this Judah

person became such a big presence

in her life. I’m really starting to hate

that guy. Can’t wait to meet him.

That is, if he wants to meet me.

Judah the Great and Powerful

“Absolutely” wants me to come

to a youth ministry meeting, so I can

“understand the power of God,

when many gather in his presence.”

Judah’s so anxious to impress, in fact,

that it’s three weeks before it can happen.

Apparently, he had some seminar

he had to attend back east, followed

by a visit to his parents. It’s a strange,

liquidy time—literally and figuratively.

The sun has disappeared again behind

a droopy, gray blanket, and a colorless

shroud has cloaked everyone’s mood.

Mom returned from her sister’s long

enough to pack more of her things.

Dad doesn’t give a damn about that,

or anything but his latest basketball

trophy and new/old girlfriend, not

sure in which order. It was weird,

but for the minuscule time frame Mom

and Dad inhabited the same room,

rather than two people there, it felt

like there were none, as if each

negated the other’s presence.

I suppose at some point they’ll

have to talk, if only to discuss who

gets what and who lives where,

because it’s obvious divorce is imminent.

I’m so used to hearing them argue

that the mutual silence was scary as hell.

Hayden is in a funk, and I’m almost

positive it’s because of Judah’s absence.

I’ve done everything I can think of

to cheer her up, from rubbing her feet

to suffering chick flicks to promising

something special for Valentine’s Day,

with only short-lived success. But

when I ask what’s wrong, she answers

with an inarticulate, “Nothing.” I leave

it there. What else can I do? My instinct

is to run to Alexa, dump everything

on her. But I can’t. Not fair to her.

Not fair to Hayden. For her part,

Lex has kept her word not to rupture

the fragile shell I’m tiptoeing across.

She smiles and says hi if we pass in

the halls, but nothing more, and her

smile is the saddest I’ve ever seen.

Arbitrarily

The day I finally get to witness

a youth ministry meeting happens

to be Friday the thirteenth. Something

portentous about that, I think.

Everyone takes their lunch, but I

seem to have no appetite, other

than for a good debate with the One

and Only Judah. His return has,

in fact, bolstered Hayden’s mood,

and that makes my own temper

prickly. We walk hand in hand until

we reach the media center, where

she shakes me off like a spider.

Prickly becomes razor sharp.

“Does Leviticus forbid holding

hands? Or do I embarrass you?”

Her sigh is heavy.
It’s just not

respectful to the Lord, you know?

“Are you really worried about

what God thinks? Or is it Judah

who might be offended by us

showing a small sign of affection?”

She huffs, but offers no other denial

and I follow her into the library

meeting room, where maybe

twenty kids have gathered. Some

I don’t know. Too many I do, and

if anything should offend God,

it’s their presence. Hypocrites. Judah

notices Hayden, comes to greet us.

He shakes my hand, firming his grip

as if to prove a point.
You must

be Matthew. Good name.
His eyes

are aquamarine—blue, but barely—

and they study me earnestly, seeking

signs of weakness is my best guess.

Thanks for joining us. Let’s get

started. Our time together is short.

He goes to the front and everyone

nods their heads for the opening

prayer. I sit in back, observing, and

it’s soon obvious that motives

for attending this group vary.

The Female-to-Male Ratio

Is three to one,

and most of the girls

seem as enamored

with Judah the Charming

as Hayden is. Honestly,

his voice is rich and

his patterned speech

is almost hypnotic.

Brainwashing was his calling.

Barbara Rossi fidgets,

but that girl is pure ADHD.

Jocelyn scribbles

on a small piece of paper

balanced on her leg.

Taking notes, or

preparing to pass one?

About half the guys

are under the preacher’s spell.

The others, including

my no-longer-good friend Doug,

have obvious ulterior motives—

the girls, whom they study

like scientific specimens,

the kind you drool over.

Prayer over, there’s a quick

praise song, then Judah introduces

Matthew 5, otherwise known

as the Beatitudes.

In his well-practiced lilt:

“Blessed are the poor in spirit,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn,

for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek,

for they will inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger

and thirst for righteousness,

for they will be filled.

Blessed are the merciful,

for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart,

for they will see God . . .”

There’s more, but I quit

listening there, bemused

by the way those assembled

here claim to be disciples

and yet have no idea

what their Jesus was trying to say.

I Sit Listening

To Saint Judah explain it to them,

half in awe of his charisma,

half pissed off at his ridiculous

spin. My expression must

give me away, because he

says,
You look confused,

Matthew. Do you have a question?

“First, it’s Matt. And second,

yeah. Well, no. It’s more of

an observation. You’re talking

about mercy. Did you know

that a few of these people right

here in this room were among

those whose unmerciful bullying

drove my little brother to suicide?”

The room hushes as I level

my gaze toward Doug, who looks

away, then at Jocelyn, who doesn’t.

Judah considers just how to answer.

I’m sorry about your brother,

Matt, but you can’t rightly

blame anyone else for his decision.

Luke was weak, and—

Boom! “Excuse me, but what

would you know about Luke?

You weren’t there to see the way

these hearts-overflowing-love

Christians brutalized him.

Luke took it as long as he could.”

Suicide is the ultimate weakness

of the mind,
he argues.
Homosexual

behavior is weakness of the flesh,

and a sin in the eyes of God.

The room buzzes again, and heads

nod agreement. I steady my voice.

“There was no ‘behavior,’ dude.

Luke never got that chance. There

was only the way he was born.

When a baby’s born, is that a sin?”

Of course not.

“When a baby’s born straight?”

Don’t be ridiculous.

“So how can it be a sin to be born gay?”

That Quiets Him

But not for long.

Most Christians believe

homosexuality is a choice.

“Most scientists say you’re wrong,

and anyway, who are
you
to speak

for ‘most’ Christians? There are

plenty with open minds, and

even more who don’t think

it’s their place to judge.”

We’re—I’m—not judging

anyone. Like God, I love

all sinners but hate the sin . . .

“Pulled straight from
The Big

Book of Evangelical Truisms.

The seminary should teach

how to avoid clichés. Well, let

me tell you something about

my brother. Luke was the most

pure-in-heart person ever put

on this earth, so if there was

a God whose word was sincere,

he and Luke would be partying

down right now.”

There’s a Big Addendum

I’d love to insert

in this lopsided

conversation.

But if I did mention

how I’m pretty damn

sure Judah the Holy

has the hots for my girl,

said girl would for sure

disown me completely.

Already she’s staring

at me, disbelief in her eyes,

and not a small amount

of anger. I back quickly

away from the black-hearted

youth minister theme.

Judah backpedals, too.

Please don’t think we’re

unforgiving here, Matthew,

and if I seemed judgmental,

I apologize. It’s just, I try to live

by the tenets of my faith, and

adhere to the word of God.

The Bell Rings

Partially obscuring my reply,

but I’m pretty sure Judah hears

it. “You should totally give

that a try. Blessed are the meek,

after all.” You blowhard prick.

I don’t wait for Hayden, who

I’m sure wants to stay after

and apologize for her bad taste

in boys. Tomorrow is Valentine’s

Day. I’ll probably spend it alone.

I’m almost to class when footsteps

pound up behind me. I turn, sure

it’s Hayden, hungry to argue, or

maybe Marshall, with Presidents’

Day weekend party plans. But no.

Unbelievably, it’s Jocelyn.
Did

you really have to embarrass her

like that?
she snarls.
Oh, and by

the way, Hayden agrees with

Judah about the gay sex thing.

“Y’all have interesting conversations,

but as I mentioned, there was no

sex involved, only self-awareness.”

Whatever. Thinking about BJs

is as good as giving them. Oh,

here’s another piece of information

you should know. The only reason